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LJ Idol Week 1, Saying Good-Bye

It’s midnight, and I sit alone on my apartment steps, the August humidity wrapped around me like a heavy blanket. I feel the judgment of the moon and stars weighing on me as they look down from their heavenly dais, their points of light cutting into me like a thousand silver needles. Two weeks have passed, but I am only now starting to glimpse the gravity of what I’ve done, the summer night sky casting a pale glow onto the ugly truth; I am a murderer.

I remember the physical anguish of that Saturday afternoon, curled up on my bathroom floor, guttural cries of pain reverberating against the white walls. The pain killers they gave me have no affect, and no one is answering the emergency pager number.

Why aren’t they answering?
When will it stop?
So this is what it feels like for something to die?

“Residual pain is normal.”
“Avoid sexual intercourse.”
“You should feel normal again in a few days.”

The dreams keep me from sleeping. Phantom cries slice through the darkness, and endless hallways lead nowhere. I never get any closer to them, but I search anyway, the screams growing louder, and yet no nearer. It is much easier to fuel myself with caffeine pills and bypass the ghosts.

This is what they call normal?

“How are you?”
“Did it hurt?”
“Do you feel different?”

There’s no scar, no mark where they removed it; only a fracture in my soul that I don’t know how to mend. Crickets hum as stale tears fill my eyes, silently falling onto my shaking hands. I realize for the first time the root of it all; I’m alone, more alone than I’ve ever been before. If sixty-seven days wasn’t enough to make it real, then why do I miss it?

I have no name, no face, not even a grave to cling too. Only bright pink and purple instruction sheets, a red stain on white porcelain, and the empty feeling in my stomach, serve as reminders of your existence. I killed a piece of myself with you, and I can never get either back.
Good-bye, little one.

A/N: Please no judgment from pro-lifers, or justification from pro-choice people...It is what it is, and I can't take it back no matter how much I want too. I simply had to post it because I know there's someone out there who has been through this, or is thinking about having an abortion. These are the aftereffects that no one tells you about...do with it what you will.


( 56 Tattoos — Write a Song )
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Sep. 27th, 2008 12:00 am (UTC)
No judgement here. I just wanted you to know that I read it, and I applaud you for sharing. I, like others, am sorry you had to go through what you went through, but as you said, you had to do what you had to do at the time.
Sep. 27th, 2008 01:48 am (UTC)
Wow! I was quite into your story, and trying to clue in what and where you were and what was happening, until you left that note on teh bottom. Sometimes, it is very difficult for me to red between the lines (language and comprehenshion barriers), but the description of words, the feelings that were occuring in your mind seemed to be quite alive. The decions you had to make was your own, and only you can decide. HUGS! You have my vote.
Sep. 27th, 2008 02:36 am (UTC)
If sixty-seven days wasn’t enough to make it real, then why do I miss it?
This sentence makes my heart ache. The entire piece is beautifully written.
Sep. 27th, 2008 05:16 am (UTC)
Thank you. I haven't really "written" in a long time, and neve in such a public way. All of the comments are so encouraging, and I'm glad I decided to post this.
Sep. 27th, 2008 02:44 am (UTC)
I agree that this must have been terribly difficult for you to right and for you to experience in the first place. Thank you for sharing such a private time in your life. My best to you in LJ Idol.
Sep. 27th, 2008 01:14 pm (UTC)
Very, very strong piece. And very brave of you to post your story. I'm sorry you've had to endure all that you've endured. Stay strong.

Wonderful piece.
Sep. 27th, 2008 01:19 pm (UTC)
Thank you for this, and you are right-- no one talks about the aftermath, and the pain that doesn't ever seem to go away... *hugs with tears*

I hope you don't mind if I share this story with you.

The child sat on His lap and prattled on with pretty stories and endless questions but He didn't seem to mind at all.

"Tell me about my Momma?"

"Oh, your Momma is beautiful and loving and funny. She is generous and kind and has a very tender heart. She loves to play games and tell jokes just like you. She loves dancing and singing and giving secret gifts to her friends and strangers. I love her very much, and she loves all those around her. One day, she will come to join us here, and she will be very happy to meet you."

"Didn't she meet me before?"

"No, Dearheart, I am afraid not."

"Why not?"

"I don't remember."

"...For I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.” Jeremiah 31:34 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him. Psalm 103:11-13
Sep. 27th, 2008 04:07 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much. I appreciate this a lot.
Sep. 27th, 2008 05:18 pm (UTC)
I feel heartbroken for your sadness. No judgment, just-- connection on that very human level of regret. This is beautifully written.
Sep. 27th, 2008 06:02 pm (UTC)
Regret indeed...thank you.
Sep. 27th, 2008 08:52 pm (UTC)
This was incredibly brave, when I was younger I'd think of abortion as something trivial, but then it dawned upon me what the consequences could be. And while I might have made that choice, I am glad I never had to.
A very strong entry.
Sep. 27th, 2008 09:21 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
Sep. 27th, 2008 09:23 pm (UTC)
This was so sad, but so real. Well told. Thank you for sharing it.
Sep. 27th, 2008 09:27 pm (UTC)
Sep. 28th, 2008 12:07 am (UTC)
Very sad and well-written. There have been several handfuls of posts about miscarriages, but this is a much-needed viewpoint as well. Thank you for posting it.
Sep. 28th, 2008 08:41 am (UTC)
I'm sorry you had to go through that.
It obviously had to happen for a reason, so I'm sure sensible people wouldn't judge you.
Good piece, and good luck in idol!
Sep. 28th, 2008 02:58 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I am so sorry you had to go through that and made such a decision.
Very beatifully written and pulls at the heart.
Sep. 28th, 2008 03:29 pm (UTC)
Powerful and brave...
Sep. 28th, 2008 08:16 pm (UTC)
This week, you have been braver than I dared to be. Thank you for giving this a voice.

The lack of grave was one of the main things that haunted me in the months, years following the choice I had to make. The nothingness. I wont say more, old wounds don't need reopening at this time of night.
Sep. 28th, 2008 08:50 pm (UTC)
I wish this "bravery" had manifested itself a year ago instead of now...I wish I didn't have to write this entry and that it was all different. I wish I was writing about an 87 year old uncle who had died, or the bamboo I couldn't keep alive my freshman year of college. Instead there's this; and all I can do is hope it helps someone in some way. Thank you for sharing...I know it is hard.
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( 56 Tattoos — Write a Song )

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