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[03 Jan 2008|03:16am]


add me there!
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[30 Dec 2007|02:05pm]
what a marathon.

i grabbed a strangers hand and left a note in it saying you're the sweetest thing.
there was a sad boy who kept saying,
'no boy will love me'
and i wanted to take him out of the harsh strobe lights
but i realized that once i'd reach the door,
we'd have no where to go that i could think of
where he'd be loved like he's longing for
and that was the saddest thing.

it's constantly this battle, lonely or alone.
the feeling never changes, just the surroundings.

i am made out of constant skin.
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[29 Dec 2007|03:04pm]

and i hope you're smiling like god is pulling at the corners of your mouth.
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[29 Dec 2007|02:39pm]
i like the way my body moves.

i want dancing like i want words and art but could never use them.
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[25 Dec 2007|09:35pm]
i miss secret kisses and not feeling heavy.

lets be lighthearted friends.
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[24 Dec 2007|11:50pm]
there's this video of my cousin maggie's funeral. she died so long ago. and my dad and my sister are watching that video in the living room.

and after a day like today,
it's hardly something i can bear.
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[24 Dec 2007|05:10pm]
frankly, i am not having a merry christmas.
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[13 Dec 2007|02:41pm]
day two of the i'm home sick extravaganza.

le suck.

go watch breakfast on pluto. so far it's been the only cool thing about these two days.
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[12 Dec 2007|07:37pm]
i'd like for you to understand that
i am not just a girl.
because i get this thing.
way people look at me, talk to me, i don't know how they think of me.
but they talk like
hey, girly.
you're so soft, maybe you shouldn't
hear this
see this
be near this.

and you know what.
i've been there. seen it. touched that.
i think the same way, but i
don't have to express it
let it come up from my mouth like
and i'm not self-conscious, and
i like to shake my ass and
i love women.
in this way i can't even explain, like
they're so soft in my eyes
and everything inside of them is just something
i want.
to know, touch, love
and one day i'm going to be wildly in love
and i'll get there.
i'm not going to worry or be afraid because
we're all just getting there.

i have been drunk and
i have been afraid and
i have seen they eyes of people i love
high and destructive and
for years and years, i've seen that.
i've heard my mother near suicide call me
on the phone to tell me
she's so sorry, and she loves me
and then the next day she was in
my face
telling me i'm a disappointment.
so i walked out the door and i am
still waiting for her.
to just love herself.

i've had dishes thrown at me,
been used,
i have been touched and when i said,
no, i don't know.
it didn't stop.
so i walked away,
and i'm learning
how to love myself
more than that excuse for it.

sometimes it's a what else can i
am i supposed to lay here,
did you really want to see that to
what. understand?
am i supposed to lay here,
exposed like that?
so it can
what. define me?

what i choose is my choice,
and i am not these things that have happened.
in time, i am becoming not just a girl.
i'm becoming.
and so no, forgive me
if i'm not just giving it to you,
the hardness.
i'm still some little fool girl,
but i'm not
i would like to remain soft,
so i'm staying that way.
i would like to stay
so in love with the world,
so i am.

people need people, see,
and sometimes that's suffocating like
you have to become their alpha and omega and
you have to fix it,
but no.
no one can demand from me the
stars and the moon
and no one can say,
well i thought there were wings on your back
because i am flesh and i am blood
but baby, i'll do my best to hold you up
if we're moving in the same direction.

so excuse me, don't
talke to me that
condescending way because
excuse me, i am
still laughing and
excuse me, i am
still loving and
please, excuse me because
i am not afraid.

i didn't know i had to answer for that.
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[10 Dec 2007|06:57pm]
another haircut. i really am a spaz.

sometimes things are ridiculous.

slowwww down, everyone. liiiive your life. chiiiiill.

ps. someone get me superbad for christmas!
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[09 Dec 2007|10:54pm]
there are bruises on my knees and elbows this time, from my mother's drunken stumbling. she's always inches from my face, red and swollen, and she's saying, "i'm drunk." this time i she tripped over me, and i went falling joints first.

in the middle of the night she comes to my house to shout at me, ask me what's wrong because she could tell from my voice on the phone, and when i tell her she should probably leave, that nothing is wrong and what if dad calls the police again, she tells me she's not proud, that i'm not the person i should be, that i'm a disappointment. that i have to wake up tomorrow and deal with what i've done.

no, i'm not proud either.
no, i doubt i'm that girl yet.
maybe, though, i'm not a dissapointment.
and i've woken up every morning my whole life dealing with everything.
not that i've done, because you can't pick where you come from. but everything you've been through and how

all i can think about is how wonderful it would be to feel safe. to have someone who'd grab for me first, remind me i'm still here.
i feel pathetic enough, being so helpless. but she is still my mother. i still love her very much.

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[08 Dec 2007|01:19pm]
and in my best behavior
i am really just like him
look underneath the floorboards
for the secrets i have hid

just be happy.
for christ's sake.
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what if i meant this more than anything else? [06 Dec 2007|10:25pm]
if i were to tell you the truth.
when i look in the mirror,
i think i'm prettier more than i think i'm ugly.
and my body doesn't bother me more often than i like it.
i like that i can do anything to my hair and i find a way to have the confidence to pull it off.
i like when i'm not afraid to sing.
and i like that my hands, ears, nose, toes...i like that they're all small, when i'm actually pretty tall.
i like that i feel pretty more than i admit,
and i'm not so afraid to admit it right now.
because the thing is,
why not?
i could. honestly, i could think that i'm not pretty. i could scrutinize over every inch of me.
i can do all those things, and i have before.
but i like looking at all these inches of me and thinking, hey, you know.
maybe i'm not half bad.

and then i like looking inside of me, and i'm learning to tell a lot of stupid voices to honestly. shut up.
because actually, i am worth it.
actually, i'm not quite so high strung.
actually, my expectations are pretty minimal, with the exception of human decency, and i love a lot of people a great deal more than i end up telling them.
and for once, i'd like to say, you know what. i do love you. you're my very good friend and i love you.
and i don't want that to be weird because i might have had a crush on you once, or because i just don't say it, or because i'm afraid to say it and i talk about that more than i talk about other things inside me. because i do love you. in this way that's maybe a little intense, but i'm the one feeling it full force, and you're only feeling what i'm letting off, and maybe i'm really very sorry i still don't know how to say so without being afraid. but i'm learning, you know.

i have the tendancy to accentuate the negative a lot of the time.
and maybe sometimes it's necessary to do so.
but i'm young and i'm beautiful and i'm sometimes a lot emotional and i'm very weird and i laugh a lot at things and i say stupid things i don't mean but they come out anyway and i'm a sucker for a lot of things especially if they're cheesey and i am an imperfect being.
and there is nothing wrong with any of that.

just. you know.
if i were to tell you the truth.
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[06 Dec 2007|06:24pm]
what a shit day,
and for no good reason.
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[05 Dec 2007|07:02pm]
could you let me go?
i didn't think so.
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[05 Dec 2007|01:50pm]
i want to find someone as in love with music as i am, and we can make music together.
voices the instruments and that's what i need.
music for the rest of my life.
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[05 Dec 2007|11:46am]
last night, i saw one of the most beautiful girls.
i wanted to smile, but my muscles stopped working.

stay away from me, please, if you plan on forgetting.
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[05 Dec 2007|11:27am]
Yet somehow letters arrive and buses
remember their routes. Banks balance.
Mangoes ripen on the supermarket shelves.
Everyone manages. You gulp the thin air
of this planet as if it were the only
one you knew. Even the earth you're
standing on seems solid enough.
It's always the chance word, unthinking
gesture that unlocks the face before you.
Reveals the intricate countries
deep within the eyes. The hidden
lives, like sudden miracles,
that breathe there.

tell me about the times you were moved to your core.
moved so deep you couldn't breathe. moved so hard your heart stopped.
moved, moved, moved into something else.
tell me about the greatest things you have ever seen.
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[05 Dec 2007|12:47am]
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

me these days.
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[05 Dec 2007|12:40am]
this girl's face has been defined by years of almosts, so she has to make it work for herself.
there's a lot of love, and i've been touched the deepest by things that are constant because that's how they exist.
once i wrote, i've lost the stars and the moon.
but you never lose them.
they stay the same, and you can change.
but they stay the same,
loving you in their far away ways.
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