(no subject)

Life is good. I've never been so thankful for so many things. So many little things. I was gone for 8 days and nothing else has been so good for me. In the midst of everything I felt so drained. I was stretched physically, emotionally/mentally, and most of all spiritually. I've never been to a point where I found myself so weak I was relying on His strength to get me through the next minute, or rest of the day. I've seen more last week than too many people go forever not seeing. I never had a heart for missions, But I can deffinitly say that my hearts changed. The people there were so open and desperate for what we had to say. I went there expecting something new. I found it. I'm a different person in a way I never thought of.
baby girl

I found myself in you.

Things have been weird. I feel extremely strange. Lonely, but only for reasons I forced on myself. I'd rather be by myself then with anyone else. Theres a battlefield in my mind about everything. Nothing comes easy these days. Decisions are almost impossible to make. I almost feel depressed. Trapped. And nothing terrible happend, thats the weird part. I underestimate myself and the things I want to do. I go back and fourth between like four things. I feel unworthy of any friendship, relationship, whatever. I push people away, which thesedays, seems like all I'm good at. I almost like it better this way. Because I'm a selfish person. Rather Cliche, but I'd like to let go of everything here, pack a bag, and peace out. I truely believe that something of that sort would be the only cure. The only cure for me knowing what I genuinely want and need. Let me just be honest with you, I dont know what I want. And when I think i know what I want, other people dont want it for me. My Grandma says that if you let something that you love go and it comes back. . . Its meant to be. What an easier motto to live by then what everyone else tells me. And nonetheless what I'm telling myself. I feel like I should have all these things figured out by nineteen. Then again I feel so young still. Who really knows what they want by my age? Or It could just be me. I can't wait to leave here. Or know what I want. Which ever comes first.

Do you ever feel like you have so much to say but you cant because you dont know what you feel? Or is it I know how I feel but I cant find the words to say it?

so fair warning.
I'm a disaster:]
  • Current Music
    Pour Out - Shawn McDonald

(no subject)

and the opposite of loneliness.
is what I want to feel.
right now.

I want to recover from this, instead of running back to only get (for lack of better word) crushed again.

stupid girl.
you wouldnt understand.

other than that; battle cry, was amazing.

I hope you find your will to follow through.

If only I could embrace my feelings, and emotions long enough to accept them, fully understand them, and comprehend why I have them.
Although, I don't think I want to understand.
Understanding would mean I'd have nothing to protect me.
And even letting somebody else understand would make me vulnerable.

Why am I scared of this?
maybe I'm just comfortable hiding behind my complexity.
Here, I dont have to explain.
I dont even have to know.
I have a reason.
A reason not to get close.
I have a reason not to let anybody in my life.

the only reason tho, is one I can't decipher.
If I could, I would. really.

(no subject)

Everything is falling in to place. It's like for 19 years i couldnt feel anything, I didnt let myself feel anything. But Im learning to let myself feel them, deal with them, and fix the things i feel. It feels good. I'm excited. Things are looking good.

I feel invincible.
LIke nothing can break this courage, faith, and excitement. I love this feeling.
I feel like running. & not running away- For the first time.


"To let go isn't to forget, not think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't winning, nor is it losing. It's not about pride. It's not obsessing about or dwelling on the past. It isn't about loss and it's not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories but overcome them. Letting go is having the courage to accept change and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up."

I like that...
  • Current Mood

I'm already yours, don't lie.

My view that nobody else sees is that I'm happy. He understands everything about me, I look at him, and I see a rough past with a bright future. I see someone who is trying, with his whole heart to be good enough. Truth is, he's always had what it takes. He just needed someone to encourage him, and show him what faith is. To make him feel like somebody. To bring him back to the place where he had everything in perspective. He's capable of everything anybody else is.

What you see is someone who has hurt me a great deal, and yes he has. But it began over two years ago with me hurting him a good amount. Things maybe you don't know, but I have. Several times, To many times. You see someone whose not on the same level, who brings me down. You think I deserve better.
You might be right.
But I'm willing to wait, and be patient. For what I know will become of this man.

I'm not saying this will last forever, but I AM saying that for the time being I'm happy.
You might know the outcome, but maybe you dont.
And I'm aware that If it ends, I'll probably be alone. I'm okay with that.

On another note, I'm still planning on going away. With an open heart, and an open mind. I'm still praying about the dreams God has instilled in my heart. Especially these past couple of weeks. He has a plan for my life, and Its only time between them and me. Once time isn't a factor, I believe He will make a way where everything is possible. I'm going to shine, and rise above all of my insecurities, and fears.

"I want to set the world on fire.
Take my dreams, Come and give them wings."
  • Current Mood
oooh ahhh

trying to find a way to understand.

This isn't the typical doubt. Its my own insecurities taking the best of me. I don't think I'm fit for that. & I'm not looking to hear otherwise. Not in a "feel sorry for myself" way either. Looking in, and back, & even now... Was that me? was that Him? Was it you? If that were to be the choice, the decision i make, I'd hate to be compared, That scares me. The insecurities I'm talking about aren't because I dont think I could do it. I know I could. I know it. And I could soar with that. Theres no doubt.

It seems as if the world is falling apart more and more every day and I want to help MY way. not yours.

Going away to college doesn't scare me. But going THERE does. If I choose to go away, I want to go AWAY. From everything. Not just half of what I have here.
I want to reach my highest potential. Jesus Christ is what I will always be pationate about. That will never change. But I have a feeling everything else is going to.

I need a leader. Someone to help me. Encourage me. And be here, by my side. I'm tired of distance. Space. Everything inbetween.

and so much more....