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03:53pm 23/06/2005

yeah, so im using the librarys computer because mine hasnt come yet. stupid little kids are looking at what im typing, so im going to type it in white. my mom just rorally pissed me off. so i was dricing and shes giving me all this #### about what im doing wron g and mkaking me nervous and it ####### drove me crazy so i just left and came up to the library. im not going to ####### stay around her bullshit. tis ####### stupid. so whatever. yeah, i graduated. no more high school for little meegan. yay! haha. anywho, ttyl.


01:19pm 13/06/2005
  this computer is retarded. it would let me use the rich text editor. anyway, justin now has a thing with marissa. it really hurts me because i still like him more than anything. i wanted so badly for something to work out between us. and now...its like we never even knew each other. he said to me that im a bitter mean person...and that line has been running through my head over and over. and the more i think about it, the more right it becomes. i am bitter, and i dont mean to be. i feel like im left out of everything and now matter what i do, it will never be as good as what everyone else is doing. im sick of feeling inferior, so i try to make myself look better than people to somehow help that, but it doesnt ever work. i just want to be happy, i just want to be loved and accepted. i dont think that is too much to ask. i just want justin to give me a chance. what hes seen of me isnt who i truly am. so what if i got pissed off that hes been lying to me, i think its a normal reaction, dont you? fuck. well, im going to go back on myspace. <3  
10:57am 10/06/2005
  i graduate tomorrow morning at 9.

today is my last day of school.

i start college in the fall.

somehow its all so surreal to me.

(and its amazing how much people change in such a short time.)

justin is a fucking bitch ass loser who is fucking marissa who is a fucking whore...shes 15. FIFTEEN AND SHES HAD 3 MISCARRIAGES. how pathetic. so...fuck him. ive completely lost all respect for him and im determined to make his life a living hell for hurting me and lying to me. its going to be wonderful.

supposedly amy can make calls today...i hope she calls me. i miss her. and i heart her.

last night i had the strangest dream, where everything was exactly how it seemed...   
09:15am 06/06/2005

4 days until i graduate. its so fucking insanely surreal. i dont know how to react to it.

supposedly i get my computer saturday, but i dont know if its actually going to be here in time.

my mom isnt going to die from her cancer. i dont know if i wrote that already or not, but i think its wonderful.


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RIP Tejae Carlson   
09:39am 31/05/2005

Grief for dead teen

Click to Enlarge

Family, friends, flowers and food filled the Merchant-Carlsons' Grass Valley house Sunday afternoon, when loved ones gathered to mourn the death of 17-year-old Tejae Carlson.

A lover of rap music and nice cars who prided himself on his appearance, Tejae was killed late Friday when the silver Chevy Malibu he was driving ran into a PG&E pole and swerved into a large tree.

He was taken to Sierra Nevada Memorial Hospital, where he was pronounced dead.

Tejae was returning home from a friend's house, his mother, Beki Merchant, said. He was killed less than a block from his house.

The accident is under investigation, but additional information will not be released because he was a juvenile, said Grass Valley Sgt. Joe Matteoni.

Tejae, a junior at Nevada Union High School, lived with his mother, stepfather Mike Merchant and younger siblings Lane, Lizzy and Robbie.

"My son was everything to us. He was really beloved by the community," Merchant said.

Tejae was also close to his father, Richard Carlson, who lives in Las Vegas. He had been thinking of going to college and then working with his dad in Las Vegas, Merchant said.

Tejae loved spending time at the Yuba River with his many friends and was an avid L.A. Lakers and Kobe Bryant fan, his mother said.


Flowers, candles, and personal notes mark the place he died along Packard Street. A large box of Kleenex lies on the lawn near the dangling wires of the unearthed utility pole.

Friends and family congregated at the site to mourn.

"He had a great personality," said friend Shandy Spears, 17, through tears. "He was a great person."

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09:43am 27/05/2005
  its like, everyday i float form place to place, but i dont belong anywhere. i think thats what im looking for, somewhere to belong. im quite distressed because i think that me and kyle really dont have what we thought we did. my mom starts chemotherapy today, and pretty soon she'll lose her hair, and be hella weak and sick, and its going to be awful. theres only a 50/50 chance that chemo will kill the cancer. so i could still lose her. its the worst feeling in the world. i try to stay distracted and busy so i dont have to thin kabout it, but its always there in the back of my mind.  
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09:40am 25/05/2005

havent written that much lately, probably because ive been going through a shitload of shit. wow, that sounds lame.

first off, kyle and i broke up but were cool with each other. we both realized that this is for the best and we wil lbe together again in the near future.

secondly, my mom decided that justin was this horrible person (which he isnt) and its trying to control who im friends with. im almost 18, she needs to get over it.

but on the other hand, she has cancer and has a 50/50 chance of the chemo working so thats hella stressing me out.

lastly, i graduate in less than 2 weeks and im ffrekaing out. its going to be so weird leaving here.

work is going great, i had such a great night last night. chad made me laugh so hard i was crying. it was great.

love to all.

ps. warped tour isnt coming fast enough.

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11:57am 23/05/2005
  kyle and i broke up and i am completely numb and empty. i dont know what to do. i never wanted to see that hurt look in his face and have him shaking as badly as he was. he really truly loves me and i broke his heart. i didnt mean to, he doesnt understand that we need this. that we need time apart. i love you kyle. i really do. i hope youll realize that someday.  
10:31am 19/05/2005

senior projects are done. you have no idea how unstressed i am.


09:45am 10/05/2005
  i refuse to be in a relationship that is more of a burden than something that is enjoyable. im sick of kyle making me feel like shit for hanging out with my FRIENDS. its not fair to me. i gave up so much for him, and i want my freedom back. i dont want things to be like this. i dont want to lose him but i cant take things being like this. and i honestly dont know if hes going to change...and that scares me because i dont want to lose him. i love him, but i need to be sane.  
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08:16am 09/05/2005
  we have something like 26 days left of school. senior project presentations are next week. its so crazy how its all coming together so fast, after 4 years of waiting. ill be so happy to get out of this school, to be out in the "real world." not being confined by stupid rules and expectations that most of us cant live up to. nobody said they liked my layout and it makes me sad. well, im going to go potty then finish my snack. love.  
01:12pm 04/05/2005
  new layout... does the happy dance...everyone look at it!  
09:44am 03/05/2005

my mom has cancer...


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11:32am 29/04/2005

havent written in awhile....i dont really like lj anymore. but anywho, things are going alright i suppose...kyle and i are doing fine, we had a bit of a fight yesterday, but i came home from work and he had lit candles and got me a flower and was being really sweet, so i had to forgive him. i love him too much to stay mad at him. amy and pat broke up today which hella sucks. the poor thing was crying a lot....hopefully they'll get back together, for her sake, but pat is such an asshole, she deserves so much better. we have had testing all this week, but seniors dont have to do it, so we get stuck with a funky ass schedule...90 minute periods and shit where we do NOTHING. its lame. so half my class is gone this period, and the 8 people who are here are either in the comp. lab or watching forrest gump. yeah, so thats about it. i dont really feel like writing too much more. so toodles. <3


your mom is hott.Collapse )

11:54am 22/04/2005
  i am having SUCH a bad day. well, not just a bad day but i bad week. everything has gone wrong, people are mad at me for no reason, i feel like im losing at everything i try to attempt. im tired beyond fuck because i can never get enough sleep, i havent been eating right lately. im just really depressed and its bothering me becausse i hate feeling like this. im broke as fuck because somehow i over withdrew my account by 86 dollars even though i fucking didnt. lame lame lame. and tomorrow im going to redding even though its going to suck my ass.  
it was late and i was lonely, but you didnt even care.   
08:06am 22/04/2005
  i'm leaving again
for the second time around
you better believe
that this was
all just a joke to me
and as i look down on them
i repeat these words in my head
"they never heard one sound out of my mouth
they never heard one sound"
i saw pretty clear
but when i left you all stayed the same
now i think i believe
that i was never alive in the first place
don't believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die

07:54am 22/04/2005

my dreams are fucking with my sense of reality and its pissing me off. its getting hard to distinguish between reality in my dreams and reality when im awake.

so get this, sarah justin and i were supposed to hang out yesterday. justing picked me up from school and we went to flour garden where sarah was supposed to meet us. we waited for an hour and got tired of waiting so we left, went to work to get our schedules, went to my house, went to his house, then went to work. about 2 hours after we were at work, sarah comes in and comes up to me and is all like 'traitor.' and im like, what the fuck? and i tried to explain that we waited for her and she just walked away. its like, way to make a huge deal out of something that isnt big to begin with. so immature. so whatever. if she wants to be like that then fuck her dude. its not worth my time, especially when im not at fault.

its the weekend. hooray. i have to go up to redding this weekend, for a family party. at first i was excited about it, but now im just like, eh. i dont want to go. its always boring.

i cant say this is what i wanted, but i wouldnt have it any other way   
12:57pm 20/04/2005

today was some weird kind of testing for freshman-juniors so i didnt have to go to school until 1250, and now ive found out that its pretty much useless.so im going to leave....

i love kyle.

im really glad that i stopped talking to mickey and nick. its made my life better, how weird that may seem. i dont have to be weighed down by useless people who are just taking up space...

i finally get gold card tomorrow for the first time ever. im so happy. go me.

11:52am 15/04/2005

it used to be so simple. (but then everything changed.) i still remember your face (even though its fading away) i tried to tell you how i felt, but you kept slipping away, i wish i could make things right, i wish i could find a way to bring you back to me.


yay, its the weekend. i have to work till 10 tonight and 1130 tomorrow night. its cool i guess, except im really starting to hate work.


there is so much on my mind...

flamingo on a stick.   
01:19pm 14/04/2005

oh my goodness.

i totally just wrote a huge entry,

and accidently deleted it.

im pissed.


heres the jist of what my entry said:

I apoligised to mia, anne, jamie, and nicole for the shit i said to/about them awhile ago. i dont expect you to forgive me or anything, i just wanted to let you know im sorry for saying the rude things i did.

THEN i talked about how lame justins girlfriend katie is. its like deja vu writng the same thing again, so i guess ill just condense it. she called me last night. K is for her and M is for me. duh. K: Hi, this is justins girlfriend katie. M=okay.... K:when was the last time you talked to him? M=um....like a few months ago. K: oh... K: what did you guys do when you hung out? M= went to jack in the box, then he took me home and called me the next day and told me he didnt want me to call him anymore and i was confused. K: oh. M= why does any of this matter? K: because hes my boyfriend and i dont want you talking to him or seeing him. M:sweetie, i dont have any desire to talk to your piece of shit boyfriend. K: uh... M= wow, you must be fucking bored out of your mind to call me up about somethnig that happened 4 months ago and wasnt a big deal to begin with me, dont fucking call me anymore you fucking slut. click.

Pretty lame. im pretty sure that that day when we hung out we did nothing, and i wasnt even trying to get him bck or shit like that. dude. its fucking weird.