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  • Current Music
    The Birthday Massacre- Pins And Needles

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So much want
  • Current Music
    The Birthday Massacre

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I'm always gloomy over summer. It reminds me of old lost friends and school and horrible drama because there's nothing else to do but turn on each other. The only summer I have real fond memories of in recent years is 2006. It was the year I had the most friends, the year I went to download for the first time and the year I met Adam. It's like, all the good stuff life had in store for me was thrown at me during those few hot weeks. soon after that my life turned to shit. I got kicked out/quit college, friends died, I fell into a severe, deep and unrelenting depression, lost most of my other friends through crumbling social bridges and in losing them I lost most of myself.

I wanted to die. Every day. For three years.

Adam was the only person that knew. I never even told my mother.

Not many people really know the extent of the depression and it was only after I started sorting my life out that I started talking about it to people.

I began fixing myself, I re enrolled at college, got the necessary grades to get into university and there I ended up. On a mediocre course that focuses more on pretence than on actual talent. But it doesn't even matter to me because anything ANYTHING is better than sliding back into what I used to be. So stick with it, I shall.

This summer is the first in four years that I have began to feel a fraction of my old self. I've started clawing back all the scattered pieces of the puzzle and it feels good for the first time. It feels good to feel anything other than total fucking despair for the first time in 3 years. I've made friends again, ones that I actually want to be around without feeling misplaced or like I'm wasting my time around and for that I am more grateful than I could ever properly articulate. I've been to another country on my own [well, with Adam] I got to see two of my favourite bands twice. I have accumulated more memories and good feelings in the past 4 months than I could ever have hoped to achieve in the three WASTED years I spent wanting to just ...stop being.

I will waste no more time. The time I have spent is irreplaceable and for wasting it, I can never forgive myself. But I will move on and I will achieve contentment one day. I don't care if I'm poor, I don't care if my tutors are dissatisfied with the choices I make regarding MY art style and subject matter [and neither should anyone else on the course] the only thing that matters is happiness. The only thing that matters is fixing myself.

I move back to Bournemouth tomorrow and I couldn't be happier about it. I'm ready to turn the past 4 months into the next 4 years, we'll see where I go from there.
  • Current Music
    Nine Inch Nails - I Do Not Want This

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Adam got a new car yeah, yeah yeah he got new wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelz

VW Golf it's 18 years oldddddd - and awesome.  


I finally FINALLY watched blue velvet last night.  It was pretty amazing. I always get the same feeling of unease watching David Lynch stuff, because it feels like no one reacts as they should and it's jarring. But in a good way.  It's like:



OH MY WORD SON LOL YES IT IS OMG LOL *caaaallllllllmly walks away*

that is totes not how I would react if someone shoved an EAR into my face, but w/e w/e I also enjoyed the obvious Silent Hill inspiration when Machlachlahalanaan dragged his giant, beautiful moon-chin into that closet ala James from Silent Hill 2.  There was rape and everything. Just not pyramid head rape, but w/e.

  • Current Music
    That damn table fan making irritating clicking sounds >:C

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Summer time is Peeping Tom time ♥

So about 4 years ago I got lucky enough to see Peeping Tom play their ONLY show in London. [I think] And I got like, 2 feet away from Mike Patton and I died a little because I thought I'd never be able to see him play live ever again.


About this time last year I got to see him play in Faith No More at download, I was really REALLY far away from the stage but it was still the most amazing hour or so of my LIFE - And Mike screwed up the lyrics to The Real Thing, which was hilarious.

And NOW in a little over a month, I'm going to see Faith No More again at Sonispehere - I feel like I'm having a heart attack I'm so happy.

So cannot.wait. Auuuggh. I've got to try and get closer to the stage this time ;_;
  • Current Music
    Peeping Tom - How u Feelin'? [feat Doseone]

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New journal layout.  All done by me.  I'm terrible at coding but I wanted to make some reasonably pleasant looking graphicy--things. So new background [which is also my desktop] and new info picture. First vaguely artistic looking thing I've done in WEEKS.  Auuugh.  slowwwly getting my art back up to speed.

I'm also gonna try and make some money selling adorable pokemon sculptures.  Nerdiest thing in the world, maybe but it's relaxing :3  I'm making a tsutaaja and cyndaquil doing handstands together.  Because they have the same shape head. 

Red Dead redemption is amazing and is eating away at my life.  My only gripe is that it needs more exploration/clue following as the whole "running to this place and shotting that thing that I have to shoot" is a little bit linear.  Not boring yet, though.  I just wanna come across some mysterious items that are part of sidequests like in fallout 3.

Also. nothing beats the Fallout 3 Arefu vampires.  They were my favourites for forever - SO INTENSE!

Adam's car failed it's MOT and was apparantly in danger of blowing up.  So i'm stranded at his until he buys a new car.  Which will hopefully be tomorrow - I wanna see my mummy and daddy.  

not the dog though, she's a shitface.
  • Current Music

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 Fuck you university.  

Fuck you for completely crushing any creative inclinations I may have had.


This is the most frustrating thing in the world.
  • Current Music
    peeping tom - kill the DJ

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I am being stalked by a cat.

for the past week or so it keeps coming into the house and it just

Initially we were all very happy because hey, cats are awesome.  I don't appreciate waking up at 5AM to find it STARING in through the window at me from outside, though.  

Adam and I were cooking dinner yesterday and it was just STARING in at us.  It never eats, never goes home, just sits outside our house staring wistfully in at us yowling at the top of it's little cat lungs.

What are we gunna doooo?  

D:  D:  D:  D:  D:
  • Current Music
    flight of the conchords


My grandmother has MRSA in her eye/eyesocket


I think that most people that know me know of my INSANE grandmother and her 20year long descent into complete madness at the hands of dementia and eventual alzheimers.  

she was always fairly sprightly [albeit completely mad and a hazard to herself] and was in considerable physical health when she finally went to live at an old people's home after years of my disabled mother caring for her every day [Just little things really, but more than my mother could manage, certainly] She remained comfortable in the home, though her mental state continued to deteriorate at an alarming rate.  The last I had heard, she'd forgotten how to feed herself and didn't know what a knife or fork was.  But her body was still ticking away.

However, 3 or so months ago she was admitted to hospital with a GROSS infection in her left knee that made her whole left leg turn purple and swell to a disturbing size.  

She had sepsis [Blood poisoning] was on an IV drip and should have died. But the hospital insisted on pumping load after load of horrendous body wrecking antibiotics.  

An 88year old with severe alzheimers is not going to just leave needles in her arms. She repeatedly rip the needles from her arms and tug at the various tubes about her person.  She had horrendous bruising all along her arms from failed attempts to keep an IV in her.  She was sedated a lot of the time.  

Fortunately she didn't try to pull out her catheter or disconnect her colostomy bag.  By this point she is too far mentally gone to be able to tell if she needs to use the toilet.

So she had the course of antibiotics, leaving her leg healed but at an alarmingly high risk of strokes or heart attacks that could strike her at any moment.

They did not.

She recovered, was removed from a  quarantined ward at the hospital and place on a normal ward.  

A week later she fell out of her bed.  Bruising ensued.

By this time my grandmother lays curled like a fetus, singing to herself and rocking backwards and forwards, begging to see her family [Not my mother or uncle or her grandchildren, mind]  She's Asking for her mother and father.  Like a child.

My mother continued to visit once a week or so, on her own.  Sometimes Grandmother wouldn't respond, sometimes she'd be friendly and other times, she would be hostile telling mother to get out. Her only family member that visits regularly.  This is breaking my mother's hearts despite how used to it she is.

Yesterday on her way to the hospital my mother is informed that Grandmother has once again been quarantined.  This time because of an infection in a small cut above her eye that had became infected with MRSA virus.  Highly contagious and near enough untreatable.

I genuinely just hope that she dies quickly and just STOPS suffering.  Her body is obviously trying to die and she just keeps getting bought back from the brink.  If this continues much longer she will eventually just be a breathing lump of meat and hair.  I know this sounds harsh and  hate myself for saying that I hope she dies but I HATE seeing her this way.  There are barely any traces of who she used to be  Just shattered fragments of memory that stop somewhere before 1960 possibly even before that.  My grandmother died the moment Alzheimers began to grip and tear at her mind and sanity.  

There is nothing left.  Not even instinct.

Just breathing and rocking and humming the odd portion of wartime song.

She remembered all the words to Lord's Prayer when she was receiving antibiotics.

Funny that.  If anything solidifies my contempt for Christianity, it's right here.  She's lost who she is, the family and friends she made. all gone.  But that prayer resonates in there still. I resent how that had priority. And I resent how the only reward that priority reaped was insanity.

If she could see what she had become and the assumed burden she had become, she would weep.  She might not be able to register anything for more than a few seconds, but I hate the state she's in and she needs to be at peace.  Will her immune system be enough to fight off MRSA or will she succumb to a slow and horrifying ailment.  If she DOES recover it's just a matter of time until the next complication occurs. 

If I ever ended up in this state I would welcome death.

  • Current Mood
    worried worried