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music |
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lily allen - 22. |
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The past week, and especially the past few days, has been one of the most thought-provoking, emotionally-chaotic, and physically-taxing times of my life.
It's a big call - and so strange to think that it is not punctuated by any single major life event; at least, not in mine specifically. Stranger even, then, to mention that those surrounding me may not have noticed anything very significant happening in me at all (perhaps not even the very few who are obliged to).
So what has brought this about? I would say in one word, transition. From being one person, focusing on reaching one goal really - to juggling several and having to define these, decide what is worthwhile striving for, yourself. Then wondering whether you have made the right decisions or not, prioritising one over another.
My team from my last rotation have taught me things from textbooks, but even more invaluable lessons are those that you cannot learn without that face-to-face interaction, from simple, everyday conversation. Suffice to say, I found them inspiring when I wasn't busy worrying about whether I would have to draw the brachial plexus in the next five minutes, or be expected to name the ocular changes on fundoscopy in the varying stages of hypertension while they eagerly awaited my (sometimes admittedly ineloquent) response. I am lucky to have met such charismatic, driven but caring people so early on in my clinical experiences. I could not have asked for better teachers, or role models.
Yet last weekend with the friends from highschool was just such a refreshing respite from this expectation, this constant pressure to achieve: observe, retain and implement. A reprieve to just go outside and remember that such things as grass and sand, such places as movie theatres and friend's houses, exists outside the hospital. And the exchange? Time. LAMS would just have to wait.
Amidst caramel mudcake, I gave my long case presentation and finished my assigned audit on Friday. The workload would not have been so draining had I not been so anxious about giving my first powerpoint presentation ever, in front of some of the most esteemed people I have ever met. After some cake-searching, and a fitful night's sleep, everything went smoothly without a hitch. It's been a while since I'd felt such a sense of accomplishment or relief. World off your shoulders sort of feeling. Positive feelings were reinforced with a last lunch with the team, some handshakes and kind words of advice and encouragement. The grin on my face would probably have been noticeable in the car, and thank you to a dear friend who so graciously celebrated this small victory with me.
Saturday began with some flustered birthday and transport-to-said-birthday arranging, marking and some catching up that made me smile. Off to work to see the kids, who were kind of subdued due to flu-like symptoms and the cold. Some chores to perform, and monetary issues to settle before changing and heading off to the city. Annd even that had it's own dramas because of trackwork. I pick up a friend and we are both akin in our lateness - I due to my slow driving, and her due to the allure of sleep (ie. catnaps). It's tricky and we probably are the noobiest people ever to navigate the streets of Sydney, but we get there eventually. It's an adventure in itself, and I am glad I am not going alone. I am soon to realise she is not at her best - none of us are, upon further investigation. Such is the life, and the choices we make. I feel a little restless, but the restaurant atmosphere is lovely and lively, and Jess looks like she is having a wonderful 21st. The speeches (or what we can make of them) instill warm and fuzzy feelings in us all; and cake! Gorgeous home-made cake. The journey home is a lot less eventful, but car-conversation has got to be one of the best ways of connecting with another human being. We can't do it alone - we need to support each other, especially with the path we've chosen. I hope you felt even slightly better from our little tirade, because you certainly made my night. Oh, "Email-guy". Hahahah.
Sunday morning begins with an early morning shower (when I can finally get out of bed), back in the car the training to the city for this. While silently bemoaning my lack-of-warm-bed as I make my way there, I begin to enjoy being there, just people-watching, the change of scenery. My main motivation was curiosity, and I found it piqued here and there as the day progressed. Thought-provoking, but at a more relaxing pace. Meditative. I also shared a few laughs with my fellow conference-attender, and have probably learnt more about him today than I ever have in the past few years I claim to have 'known' him. A hairy stranger who I think means well until we notice a discernable trend, an old acquaintance whom seems to still be striving for that perfection, a spill, a fall and some curry-lunches and all this makes for a fairly interesting day; one that is different from the rest.
So from here it continues.
Life doesn't stop. 9am, Camden tomorrow.
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