the past few days i have been doing very well with just eating a little and then cutting it off... usually me saying "i'll only have a few bites" turns into me eating the whole fucking cake... but the past few days i was able to overcome the "urge to purge" and it felt very happy with myself... not to mention less bloated... but today i slipped. i went to my boyfriends house and he made a big batch of brownies, and i just had to have one... i thought i would just take a bite since i had been doing so well today and i got by with only eating a cliff bar and drinking a buttload of water and coffee, but the brownies were SOOOOO good. gooey and the middles were just melted chocolate... i had one and a tall glass of milk... and then i had to have another and another... we ended up eating all of them by the end of the movie.... I FELT SO FUCKING DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF, I wanted to hang out with him but i was so full i couldnt move and i felt so gross i didnt want him to touch me, so i drove home and purged... but i felt bad.
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i have been mia for over a year now, and it scares me sometimes when i think that it is a disease i may have forever. its so addicting. it's really not something i can control. if i could, i would stop, but i just cant now. and its scary. i dont want to be mia forever, i dont want to always be rushing to a bathroom after i eat a meal... but then again, i love mia, i love the way i can "have my cake and eat it too" but i know eventually it will catch up to me... eventually i'm going to hit rock bottom.
im young and my body is strong, but it wont be forever...
mia i love you, but then again, i hate you.