i havent posted in like a month. i have been in treatment for my dear dear ana/mia. my parents snuck behind my back and made all the plans and out of nowhere told me i wouldnt be going to skool for 3 weeks because they were putting me in a program. it was horrible, they monitor you when you eat and they make you finnish everything. its horrible, and no purging either, i gained 7 pounds.... they wanted me to gain atleast 5 by the end of the 3 weeks.... ahhh fuck i fucking hate myself. i want to kill myself. im fat... seven pounds is going to be hard to work off especially because i have these huge urges to binge now....


im bingieng on some good soup my mom makes me eat 2 cus of a day... it had veggies and chicken and stuff in it and its sooo good... but its food so its bad.


after i purge im starting an ana journal. im writitng everything i eat during the day and then calculating the cals. i neeed to reach 95....

Date:	2005-01-22 11:02
Subject:	finally.
Security:	Public
Mood:	content

the good thing about not owning a scale, is that i cant weigh myself everyday, but when i dont step on a scale for like 3-4 weeks and im at 110, and then yesterday i stepped one one again and i was at 105.... it feels like so much progress (but then again it was over like 3-4 weeks)

so im so excited. im at 105, just ten pounds to perfection!

i must x-post this a buttload.


think thin sistas!

Date:	2005-01-18 22:59
Subject:	i hate my fat ass
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed

the past few days i have been doing very well with just eating a little and then cutting it off... usually me saying "i'll only have a few bites" turns into me eating the whole fucking cake... but the past few days i was able to overcome the "urge to purge" and it felt very happy with myself... not to mention less bloated... but today i slipped. i went to my boyfriends house and he made a big batch of brownies, and i just had to have one... i thought i would just take a bite since i had been doing so well today and i got by with only eating a cliff bar and drinking a buttload of water and coffee, but the brownies were SOOOOO good. gooey and the middles were just melted chocolate... i had one and a tall glass of milk... and then i had to have another and another... we ended up eating all of them by the end of the movie.... I FELT SO FUCKING DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF, I wanted to hang out with him but i was so full i couldnt move and i felt so gross i didnt want him to touch me, so i drove home and purged... but i felt bad.

i have been mia for over a year now, and it scares me sometimes when i think that it is a disease i may have forever. its so addicting. it's really not something i can control. if i could, i would stop, but i just cant now. and its scary. i dont want to be mia forever, i dont want to always be rushing to a bathroom after i eat a meal... but then again, i love mia, i love the way i can "have my cake and eat it too" but i know eventually it will catch up to me... eventually i'm going to hit rock bottom.

im young and my body is strong, but it wont be forever...


mia i love you, but then again, i hate you.

Date:	2005-01-16 17:40
Subject:	=(
Security:	Public
Mood:	frustrated

im so angry. i told myself to restrict today and i didnt, and after i start eating when i tell myself not to, i just keep eating... and then i purge. but when i purge i feel like i didnt get it all out so it makes me nervous, which causes over eating... and its a cycle.

i feel so weak because i feel like i cant do it. i always try and i fail miserably. im having a bad day.

Date:	2005-01-14 10:28
Subject:	x-posted in all the communitys
Security:	Public
Mood:	fat fucker

im so angry with myself. my family and i went out to breakfast this morning. they have this thing where we go out to eat atleast once a week, they've done this ever since i had to go see a doc about my ED, I think it's because other than when we go out to dinner, we never eat together... but anyways...

i PROMISED myself that I'd just sip water and nibble a bit to make them happy. But as soon as the first course came out, I couldn't help myself... the food was soooo good, and it wasnt healthy either, pancakes, sausage and eggs.... man... i scarfed down, and when we were sitting there waiting for the check and they kept talking and they wouldnt get the bill. I sat there feeling like a stuffed baloon, every minute that past i could feel all the fatty calories being absorbed into me.

i wanted to start crying right there. so i excused myself and went to the bathroom, luckily nobody was in there so i was able to purge a little of what i ate. but i didnt get it all i know. i had to be fast because they would get suspicious. I'm going for a long walk now.


i hate giving into temptation.

i hope everyone else can be stronger than I.


stay strong, and think thin girls. we can do it.

<3

Date:	2005-01-12 22:40
Subject:	red bull fast.
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed

i ate so much today. and i was barley able to purge it. i need to quit the puking. it's so unhealthy. it causes heart problems, it straight fucks you up. but its so hard now, the thoughts of bingeing are pretty much, too tempting to control.

i hate it. and i hate myself because i feel weak. i start off fasting so nicely. but for some reason, i always end up bingeing/purging. i want to blame other people for my weakness... they make me eat! but they really dont.

im gonna try a liquid fast. but only low cal/ no cal liquids. tea, coffee, water and sugar free red bull/energy drink. it's going to be hard. yet another diet i'm going to try.

*think f-ing thin damn you!

Date:	2005-01-11 02:05
Subject:	omen
Security:	Public
Mood:	cold

Today I ate a lot. Way too much than I should have and I didn't need to. I chose to and I'm pissed. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich, some chocolate chip cookies, then some ravioli and 2 slices of pizza.

I'm so disgusted with myself. Tried purging like i usually do but it didn't come up very easy. So I took some laxatives. I can't get fat. I need to loose weight. I need to be strong. Chew on you hands, just don't fucking eat anything.

But today as I was going into the kitchen (to start a binge since i was so stressed about ow muhci ate today) i looked down on the table and there was a magazine with mary kate and ashley olsen on it.

i looked at mary kate. she is soo tiny, even after rehab. she is so thin. i would love to look like her. i figured i need to stop dreaming and do it. so insteadof bingeing. I looked at mk, she is my new thinspiration.

That is all for now. Long day tomorrow. I need energy. Post soon. It's cold in here. That's good... being cold is good.