So I have this weird habit or thinking or rule or something. For pants I haven't recently purchased, I need to be able to take them off without unbuttoning//unzipping them. It's a sign of weight loss for me. Weird, I know, but it makes me feel good when jeans that used to be fitted or tight aren't. (Plus it tells me realistically if I'm gaining//losing regardless of what I see in the mirror.)

I have work in a bit. Boo. I felt so exhausted this morning, but had a latte and a Xanax and an energy drink then after counseling and psychology, I had a coffee and a bit of chocolate. Made life infinitely better. I always love our discussions in counseling, they're very fun. In communications we had to separate into males and females and list derogatory words we've heard for our gender, words for the opposite gender, and words we'd prefer to be called. It was pretty fun and extremely profane. Apparently the males in our class like to be called "daddy". I don't know if I could call a guy that. Maybe papi. Also, found out I had a perfect score on our first exam. And that I was the only one to do so. I like perfection. (Though cute tattooed boy had an A as well.)

I received a packet from Chapman today. Annual tuition for 2010-2011 is going to be $38,500. I'd like to go there, but I just don't see it being possible. In what universe could I afford that? I'm also going to apply at CSU Long Beach, where I used to go, and CSU Dominguez Hills (super fallback, ew). I'm waiting on colleges in Washington for grad school.

I got an idea for my thigh tattoo. I'll toss it around awhile. I really don't want to get any more ink before the new year. I might see Rene's guy in Gardena or Al even though he's in Santa Ana now.

Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?

That's hard for me. It would probably be either Conor Oberst or Tegan and Sara. They both have such a great way with language. Conor's can be so brutal and heartwrenching and honest and his voice is so expressive. Tegan and Sara are also very talented and so many of their songs I feel like I can place in my life or that they vocalize exactly how I feel at some given moment.

Day 1 ~ A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

That's me. And Andrew. It was a fun night. I did a lot of stupid things and ended up having a lot of drama. My face looks kinda weird there, but his is pretty amusing.

As for how my day has gone, not terribly well thus far. I got to sleep pretty late, maybe around two, considering I had to wake up at seven for my first class. The couple of hours sleep I did get were terrible, though. I had three bad dreams. The first was in regards to Phil and Carly. I've had dreams like that before, in fact, I had one while I was staying with him which is kinda ridiculous since obviously he wasn't with her if he was right next to me in bed. Anyway. I don't remember what happened and that was completely intentional. You know how in order to remember some of your dreams you have to write them down or keep thinking about them lest they get foggy and you only remember the general concept? Well, I was so upset by whatever it was that when it woke me up, I had to intentionally force myself to think about anything but the dream. Luckily, it worked.

I forgot whatever my second dream was, but I don't recall it being pleasant. The third was the worst. I don't think I had ever had a dream before where I watched someone I know die until last night. It wasn't anything peaceful, either, it was a really random guy I've known since middle school who I haven't talked to in at least several months and we found him in a pool of blood. It was awful.

So when I finally did wake up for class, surprisingly unrested, I took a Xanax and went back to sleep. Now I'm getting ready to go to biology lab. Fun.

I've been getting headaches again, I hate that.

I'm attempting to ration out my Xanax so I have enough to get me through Maryland. For me, they have an immediate and rather unpleasant withdrawal effect. Every day. Perhaps, come autumn, I'll actually get proper antidepressants.

I can't sleep. Even when I take stuff for that, too. Unless that stuff includes alcohol.

It's always weird for me when I read someone else's journal and feel like I could've easily written what they're saying. It's not comforting, it's saddening.

I ate too much today. I hate when I do that.
I did an hour of yoga and downloaded some fitness videos.

I bought pink Korean circle lenses which I should get in the next two weeks or so. Yes, I'm Asian, obviously.

My mom wants me to stop wearing my rubber bracelets. She says I'm too old for them. She apparently misses the reason why I never take them off.

I think...I might be on a Bright Eyes binge again.
Which reminds me of Cameron and Rachel and this one girl.
Cameron brought up Does He Love You? by Rilo Kiley the other day.
And your husband will never leave you, he will never leave you for me.
Every emotion I attach to that song is never positive.

I know you have a heavy heart
I can feel it when we kiss
--
But me, I'm not a gamble
You can count on me to split

The love I sell you in the evening
By the morning won't exist