Push me out from the darkness
To a sky that's coloured blue
Somewhere someone's finding happiness
While I'm still here so hung up on you

Nothing is real and I want you to know that I'm not alright
Tear open my chest, I'll try not to flinch
Won't make promises, I won't make promises
You taught me that

I'm still losing what's left of my self-esteem
And I'm still watching the slow fading of all my daydreams

The hardest things to say are the words that mean the most
So I'll bite my tongue 'til it bleeds and I doubt you'll even know
The easiest things to fake are feelings to fool someone else
And I've been tricked for so long by you, spent these last few months in my own hell

A failed apology, a day too late, but now I see
That all you really want's to see me dangle neck first from a tree
But what would you need me for? You've got friends galore
And all you've ever been to me is a waste of time and nothing more

Nothing is real and I want you to know that I'm not alright
When you tear open my chest, I'll try not to flinch
I won't make promises
You taught me that

I hate myself for loving you like this
And I hate myself for hating myself
Just enough to love you
Just enough to love you

I'm in a bad place today. It's been a bad couple days. Or weeks really. I don't know what it is. It's perpetual. It's terrible. Vodka has taken the edge off a bit. I guess.

But with today, it's one less thing I have to worry about I guess. I mean, it's like parts of my life, all compartmentalized and neat and separate. It's like drawing an X through bits and pieces. Drop a person, change the scenery, whatever. Resign myself to the people I lose, the people I [sometimes voluntarily] choose never to see again. I keep thinking about the future. I used to be all about five and ten-year-plans. Now they make me depressed the more I veer off course from my intentions. That and when I consider the future, I wonder if this is it? Does it really never get better? Is this as good as I can be? The best I can feel? All the happiness I ever get? Then I take something to interfere with my thinking because the thoughts are nearly paralyzing.

I'm supposed to be social Saturday. If I didn't have obligations, I'd consider spending the day unconscious. On a sidenote, I like being able to write while intoxicated even if a bit incoherently.

And here it is: I feel empty. Revelation. That's all.

I'm a lush, I'm shutting up now.

I've been getting headaches again, I hate that.

I'm attempting to ration out my Xanax so I have enough to get me through Maryland. For me, they have an immediate and rather unpleasant withdrawal effect. Every day. Perhaps, come autumn, I'll actually get proper antidepressants.

I can't sleep. Even when I take stuff for that, too. Unless that stuff includes alcohol.

It's always weird for me when I read someone else's journal and feel like I could've easily written what they're saying. It's not comforting, it's saddening.

I ate too much today. I hate when I do that.
I did an hour of yoga and downloaded some fitness videos.

I bought pink Korean circle lenses which I should get in the next two weeks or so. Yes, I'm Asian, obviously.

My mom wants me to stop wearing my rubber bracelets. She says I'm too old for them. She apparently misses the reason why I never take them off.

I think...I might be on a Bright Eyes binge again.
Which reminds me of Cameron and Rachel and this one girl.
Cameron brought up Does He Love You? by Rilo Kiley the other day.
And your husband will never leave you, he will never leave you for me.
Every emotion I attach to that song is never positive.

I know you have a heavy heart
I can feel it when we kiss
--
But me, I'm not a gamble
You can count on me to split

The love I sell you in the evening
By the morning won't exist

I ate too much today. Fail.

I picked up a nine hour shift tomorrow from Sergio. Money in the bankkkkk. =]

Still on the fence about Maryland. It's really stupid.

I wish I would have made myself a raspberry vodka cranberry earlier. Ay. Might still go for it.

I tried my vodka with orange and pineapple juice. I was reminded why I despise Screwdrivers and Sex on the Beach.