I am so emotional right now.
These thoughts and statements are in no way cohesive.
I am so comfortable with, and yet so scared of, myself.
I feel like telling people my deepest feelings, only makes me more distant from them.
They can't possibly understand. And, I don't expect them to.
I know that at this point in my life, I am finally ready for boys.
They may be confusing and all the other adjectives that come along with the male species, but at the same time...I know that now, more than ever, I understand where they are coming from.
I am emotionally a wreck. But as much as I am a wreck, I am emotionally mature.
I am still so scared of what is going to happen when I finally fall in love.
Whether it be a boyfriend, or a true friend.
What happens? Are they going to get sick of me and move on?
If I change, will they decide it's automatically for the worse?
I need a true companion.
Someone to challenge me.
Challenge me physically, to make me stronger.
Emotionally, to make me stronger, to understand others' emotions.
Intellectually, to debate with me.
Psychologicall, to make me stronger...
I feel like I cannot challenge myself forever.
I cannot hide from what I am scared to try.
I am not shy.
God knows I'm loud and obnoxious.
But I need a balance.
I go to shows to meet people..to be social.
To hear new music also..but I love the people.
But i get so socailly afraid.
Who here is going to hurt me?
It's an automatic thought.
I am scared to trust.
I am scared to make mistakes.
I have great self esteem.
I know I cannot change me.
I know...this is the way i talk, walk, dance, dress, speak, style...I get it.
But I also know that not everyone understands me, or likes me.
I dont want to be misunderstood, or disliked.
Because I always want to know why.
I dont want to be the outsider.
I want a zillion aquaintances and awesome phone numbers to call.
I love my friends.
They all add a little bit to me, that i cannot find in myself.
you challenge me to find and experience new things.
this is because you persevere through any and all things thown your way.
you have the kindest smile.
you are accepting and generous.
no one could ever be as independent as you.
i cant even fathom how you stay afloat sometimes.
Julie and J-Lee-
even though this is a new friendship,
i have already learned how to let loose.
you bring out my true care free attitude and my want to be crazy.
i just feel blessed to be loved by two wonderful girls.
you are some of the best people to enter my life,
you accept me and you wouldnt have me any other way.
you fight me,
you make me so angry.
But i love you nonetheless.
you have made me realize so many good things about myself.
i probably wouldnt feel this self esteem with out your guidance and honesty.
i love and miss you!
so after i just wrote my goodbyes...
i love you all dearly.
i just need to get out.
i need to find my way.
i need to comprehend what it is that i search for.
this void is almost painful.
i know there is so much more that i am feeling.
but its just so .... unexplainable.
and i cant write what i cannot explain,
i still have alot of people to meet.
i still have more heart to be broken before it's mended.
i still have more self actualization that needs to be done.
i need to start living.
so that i can get the reward.
WHERE ARE YOU?