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whodoesthat_
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LiveJournal for whodoesthat_.
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| Wednesday, August 24th, 2005 |
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Does it seem like the current world is revolving around BABIES? There are so many loves in my life, my beautiful boyfriend, my gorgeous apartment, my adorable kitten, my family...most things in life. But it seems like all signs are pointing to FUTURE. But right now, if not more than any other time, I am all about living in the now. I want to travel and be an american bum in as many countries as possible, live vicariously through MYSELF, and be irresponsible until the last possible moment. I can already feel myself being sucked into the horrible world of responsibility: work, rent, blah blah blah. |
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| Thursday, August 4th, 2005 |
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It has been quite some time since this has happened... I was driving yesterday and my eyes opened and I woke up, without even knowing that I had been consciously unconscious. I realized that I couldn't remember what I had been doing for the last few hours, and that the thoughts in my head did not match up with my actions. I dont why this happens or how long its lasted, but I do know that I hate it. It's a lot like watching a movie of someone else living your life. I know what’s going on in my life, where I live, who my friends are, how much my rent is and when it's due, but I don’t know how I feel. I can't remember my intentions behind my actions, and I just don’t know why or how my life is the way it is right now. The life that I have been calling my own was a stranger to me. It all feels like a game. There is no reality in my world. I feel but it won’t affect me. It's all very confusing; it's like being in a constant daydream while my body runs on auto-pilot. And it's only in highly emotional situations when I recognize that I am not living my own life, but even though I see the problem, I cannot fix it. There are quite a few occasions where I tell myself to wake up, but I unsuccessfully remain numb. Yesterday I woke up. My eyes filled with tears and even as my boyfriend was telling me that he was leaving for the weekend, something that I would normally be very attentive to and affected by, his words could not penetrate my confusion. As I drove I tried desperately to connect what had been going on in my mind to what my body had been doing, but the more I tried to concentrate on my thoughts, the faster they faded in my mind. By the time I got home I was in an uncontrollable crying fit hunched over on the bathroom floor. I felt positively insane. This used to happen to me, mostly in my last year of high school. I was your average seventeen year old with your average seventeen year old problems that I took entirely too seriously and a few other not so average issues that I would never admit to being stressed out about. One minute I would feel entirely "normal" hanging out with friends, smiling, and laughing, the next I would find myself bawling as I drove home with a car full of things that I had bought without my knowledge. That’s what I would do. If I felt overly stressed out, I would shop. Not for anything that I needed, not for any reason, but I found this strange comfort in spending massive amounts of money. I would walk into a store and soon my eyes would glaze over, my heart would pound uncontrollably, my knees became weak and I would shop. The more I spent, the more relief I felt, I maxed out my mother’s credit card a few times before she thankfully took it out of my possession. When I left the tears began to fall and when I hid the hundreds of dollars of happiness in my room my body shook under the force of my tears. Yes, I realize that this may sound like a rich girls bitch. But let me assure you, I am nowhere near well off. Every dollar I spent hurt my family, and even now, away from home I work for everything that I have. I don’t even enjoy shopping anymore because it reminds me of every hour that I work, "This $21 dollar shirt is worth three hours of washing dishes and waiting tables..." In the last year: I have joined a sorority, dropped out of a sorority, got into a very competitive college, been dropped from a very competitive college, moved twice, signed a ridiculously large lease, have bounced a ridiculously large lease check, lost 15 pounds, gained 10 pounds, have gotten enough financial aid to life frivolously, have gotten financial aid taken away from living frivolously….. I looked up panic attacks on-line and came across a site on being bi-polar….and this is where I am today. I don’t want to admit that I may have a problem, I want to be considered normal and not have anyone treat me differently, I do not want my body ridden with drugs that can “fix” me, but I do want an answer. Could I be bipolar? |
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| Friday, July 29th, 2005 |
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so this is day one of the rest of my life. my promise: complete honesty and complete anonimity. |
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LiveJournal for whodoesthat_.
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