| thoughts before dc |
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| 09:26am 18/04/2006 |
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mood:  happy
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i'm tired of only being good enough to talk to online...and that i've accepted that and allowed it to happen.
i feel like he always holds me at arm's length, and i never really know where i stand. usually when he stops talking to me for a few weeks it's because of some 'other girl.'
i ache for...the way i feel for scott. when i picture us together, i imagine all the small, intimate things that aren't related to sex. the little things, like smiling at him, and pulling every inch of my body next to his, because i want to be that close. to me, that kind of intimacy and caring is so overwhelming. that doesn't scare me...it makes me want to cry because...it's such a wonderful and beautiful thing. i understand, without having that with someone, what it is. but i could never imagine it with someone else because i didn't feel the right way about them. and i can't imagine doing it with someone i feel less strongly about.
i need people around telling me good things about myself. it may be sad, and i should be old enough to not need it, but i still do. for example, brian seever told me last night that i was a lot of fun. this coming from him, a (gay) guy who i consider to be one of the most entertaining people i've ever met is a great compliment. and it's easy for people to remember the bad stuff, but forget the good stuff. i need to remember more of the good stuff.
i feel like...i'm not good enough for scott. i'm not funny enough, i'm not smart enough for him. even after all the things that he has done to me, i still feel like i'm not good enough. it kinda makes me ill :/ |
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whateva_