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| 07:44pm 08/02/2006 |
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mood:  discontent
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it's time to reflect.
i haven't been able to write lately, because i've felt so...emotionally constipated. haha, funny term but it fits me. everything with scott. ok, here goes...
i had asked him to tell me if anything changed between him and the girl. he said he would. he didn't...i found out on his livejournal that he is pretty much with this girl. so i got upset and blocked him. it was for the best, and i actually felt really good about it. i cried hard for a few minutes, and after that it didn't hurt as much as i thought it was going to. so i've been dealing...been smoking way too many cigarettes but that's better than the alternative. and don't get me wrong...part of me had been hoping that he'd figure it out and im me from another screenname and ask what the hell was going on...but i didn't expect it. well sure enough a few nights ago he imed me...and he sounded kinda pissed. i told him i found out a few things and was upset about it. i said that basically everything i had thought and suspected was right. he said he didn't realize it was such a big deal, which pisses me off. i said, 'i told you how i felt a long time ago.' he said he didn't realize those feelings were still there...and he didn't believe they were still there. that absolutely blows me away...because why did he think i got so upset about everything, and kept reacting this way to him and this girl?? so before we stopped talking he said, 'well when you're ready to talk to me again, unblock me.' i felt like i was being reprimanded or something. it was bizarre and frustrating. and after it was all said and done HE MADE ME FEEL GUILTY. what the hell...he just doesn't get it. how could he not get it?
so now, i unblocked him. i didn't know what else to do...it sounded like that was what i was supposed to do in the situation. i feel like i'm back to square one. i have that uncomfortable, unsettled feeling because again i'm always checking his away messages. and they hurt. and it kills me that he doesn't understand that. |
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| 11:25pm 08/02/2006 |
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mood:  moody
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no matter what, it always seems like scott has the upper hand. i was doing really well for these past few days, and now i'm back to feeling moody and upset. it's...really selfish of him, to not understand how i'm feeling. and to keep things going the way they are. i know he's not trying, but he is doing a really good job of hurting me.
this is torture |
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whateva_