| dealing with shit...even if it may not be what i want to hear |
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| 02:44am 10/01/2006 |
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mood:  tired
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had a heart to heart with gordo, which was depressing. he was almost crying. i hate when he does that.
if anything more happens with scott, my biggest fear is that i will only be the fallback. i don't want him to constantly be looking for a better girl. and honestly, if i do get into something with him it would be my own damn fault, because it's not like i couldn't see it coming.
i'm so scared. sometimes it feels so real, and feels like it's really going to happen. then i think about it, and it breaks my heart because it's like the wrong piece to a jigsaw puzzle. it looks like it should fit, and it almost does. and you want it to fit...you keep trying and keep forcing it to work. but it just doesn't. wow...that's a good analogy, if i do say so myself ;)
so yes. i have many questions. the situation i'm in is not a cut and dry one...there is a vast amount of gray area. that kills me...that's not what i like. i have so many questions and concerns...i'm scared. but i learned the first time around that no one's gonna take care of me but me. people want what they want from you, whether it hurts you or not. you have to be the mature and strong one and decide if it's right for you. if not...then fuck 'em. |
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| 08:31pm 10/01/2006 |
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mood:  confused
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I feel pretty good
I feel all right
And I've been thinkin' maybe
I could spend the night
I know you've been sad
I know I've been bad
But if you'd let me
Make you ribbons from a paper bag
Josephine
You're so good to me
And I know
It ain't easy
Josephine
You're so sweet
You must taste just like sugar & tangerines
I won't make a sound
Sleep on the ground
When you wake I will
Drive you into town
I missed your smile
Your schoolgirl style
But I never had much fun
Maybe the very first mile
Josephine
You're so good to me
And I know
It ain't easy
Josephine
You're so sweet
You must taste just like sugar & tangerines
Don't you know
I watched you walkin' home from school
Your friends on the old playgrounds
You never looked so down
Won't you come and help me with these cuts of mine?
I've disconnected my heart
And cut myself on the wires
Josephine
I know I was wrong
I knew all along
But I got so far from my home
I never thought I'd be so lonesome
lots of thoughts going through my little head right now. i didn't do anything at all today...i took a nap and i went to the cma for like a half hour for no reason really. i have had so little social interaction today, it feels bizarre. i'm really nervous, and i've shut down thinking about student teaching tomorrow. i hope i can snap out of it tomorrow. i wasn't expecting to teach tomorrow, which has really thrown me for a loop. there's lots for me to do and plan tonight, and i need to get to bed in an hour an a half! yucky. it's so weird, but i feel like tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. that's...lame haha, but i really feel that way.
gordo told me tonight that scott called mallis to talk to her about...me. or the situation that we are in. i don't really know what they are gonna talk about, or what it pertains to. at first, i was suprised that he took things seriously enough to even have a talk with her. but now it makes me extremely uneasy...just thinking that they are going to have a conversation specifically about me. i don't think she'll say anything bad about me, necessarily. but she could. hopefully she'll talk some sense into him and he'll grow some balls and realize how stupid he's been, then we can take things more seriously and live happily ever after. lol i like simple endings. i just don't know. i'm tired of feeling so uncertain about things.
it's hard for me to say "we" when it's always been "me." and i know that sounds cheesy and stupid, but it's true. |
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whateva_