I will never find the things I need. Because no one has the things I need. No one can give me those things, so I have to try to deal with the feelings I have on my own. Maybe I do take everything too personally, but shit, I can't be a non-personal person. I have feelings and you can't expect me to just sit here and take not knowing something that you could quite easily tell me, but refuse to for some fucked up reason just because I had feelings for that person or something. I don't even know. And I don't get it. All I want is for my friends to be able to talk to me, tell me how they are feeling so I don't have to focus so much on what I am feeling - because fuck knows I get enough of that as it is! You know why I got so frustrated with the friendships in Invercargill? It was because no one talked, no one could express how they feel. I actually felt an affinity with S____ because we were able to talk to each other, and it was the same with B____. And I just don't get how you could sit in front of me and say "we don't talk Warwick, remember?" as though you were accusing me of trying to take the relationship somewhere that you didn't want it to go. I hate being a person who has all these feelings that have to be expressed, but is surrounded by people who don't want to know about these feelings, because that is what ultimately fucked it up with S____ - she actually gave me the opportunity to stay friends, but I couldn't hold back, I couldn't just step aside and let things be. Now you dangle this little temptation in front of me and once again I can't hold back, I have to know, I HAVE TO KNOW! And I don't even care about the consequences, I don't care, its too late for that. I just want to know, because the more I know, the easier it is to deal with, to be able to sort the feelings out. Thats what S____ doesn't get. She wants me to"move on" and forget about her, but I can't forget, thats impossible, and I can't know what my true feelings are until I see and talk to her again, I need that resolution, because otherwise I'm just a hanging thread. And i can't go on now and forget that there was something you wouldn't tell me about her, because that is just going to dog my mind and become some kind of burden bearing down on me, more unresolved feelings, more knowledge that wont make itself available to me. I hate how I'm so me, me, me and I this and I that, but I don't know who else to be. I have nothing else to be. I can't be anything else. I am me.