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Sep. 29th, 2010

Valt Interview

24/09/10

It is not easy opening yourself up to the world, to everyone you know, to face the ridicule or criticism of less inclined selves; but if you do and it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger and more corageous. You may find yourself with a better understanding of who you are in relation to those around you. It may help, it may not; it may hurt and it may destroy, or it may bring a wealth of happiness unknown before, but the one thing that it will bring is knowledge. And knowledge is better than silence.

Sep. 20th, 2010

A Time Of Changes

Clouding the Way

I guess what I've found hard to accept is that she has to deal with his feelings and the fact that he hates my guts, and if she stays in contact with me then life will be that much harder for her because he can't, or won't, forgive me, and will probably transfer those emotions on to her and their son; so in that respect I absolutely understand why she made the decision she made and pushed me away. I know that I made things so much harder for her before I left, and she didn't need that piled on top of having to deal with the break up.

It's so hard to stay away from her because she was such a good friend to me, but I know I have to regardless of whether I think it's the right or wrong thing to do. I have to respect her whether she cares about me or not, becuase if I don't I end up making things harder for her, and in the end, harder for myself as well. And I can sit here and type as much as I want about what went wrong, what she did, what I did, what I think all those things add up to; but if I can't let her go then I end up making things harder for everyone involved.

I just have to keep reminding myself about how hard it must be for her, and respect that.

I see your face against a backdrop of snow
And remember everything you were,
In my life a sun that glowed.

I imagine his anguish at our selfish act
But I know that's his own selfish needs,
Requesting pity for fact.

I read your
name as a signpost of joy
No longer available to me,
A path I cannot endure.

I understand my folly of not seeing straight
And I know that's my own selfish heart,
Emotions clouding the way. 

Sep. 19th, 2010

Stirner

New Introductions

I will never find the things I need. Because no one has the things I need. No one can give me those things, so I have to try to deal with the feelings I have on my own. Maybe I do take everything too personally, but shit, I can't be a non-personal person. I have feelings and you can't expect me to just sit here and take not knowing something that you could quite easily tell me, but refuse to for some fucked up reason just because I had feelings for that person or something. I don't even know. And I don't get it. All I want is for my friends to be able to talk to me, tell me how they are feeling so I don't have to focus so much on what I am feeling - because fuck knows I get enough of that as it is!  You know why I got so frustrated with the friendships in Invercargill? It was because no one talked, no one could express how they feel. I actually felt an affinity with S____ because we were able to talk to each other, and it was the same with B____. And I just don't get how you could sit in front of me and say "we don't talk Warwick, remember?" as though you were accusing me of trying to take the relationship somewhere that you didn't want it to go. I hate being a person who has all these feelings that have to be expressed, but is surrounded by people who don't want to know about these feelings, because that is what ultimately fucked it up with S____ - she actually gave me the opportunity to stay friends, but I couldn't hold back, I couldn't just step aside and let things be. Now you dangle this little temptation in front of me and once again I can't hold back, I have to know, I HAVE TO KNOW! And I don't even care about the consequences, I don't care, its too late for that. I just want to know, because the more I know, the easier it is to deal with, to be able to sort the feelings out. Thats what S____ doesn't get. She wants me to"move on" and forget about her, but I can't forget, thats impossible, and I can't know what my true feelings are until I see and talk to her again, I need that resolution, because otherwise I'm just a hanging thread. And i can't go on now and forget that there was something you wouldn't tell me about her, because that is just going to dog my mind and become some kind of burden bearing down on me, more unresolved feelings, more knowledge that wont make itself available to me. I hate how I'm so me, me, me and I this and I that, but I don't know who else to be. I have nothing else to be. I can't be anything else. I am me.

Sep. 11th, 2010

A Time Of Changes

As of Monday, officially unemployed (again)

Well, my 5 week stint as the music teacher at C____ College has ended, though today I started doing some marking that wasn't finished last week.

Most of the time on the job (especially towards the end) I was thinking 'I'm not doing enough' and asking myself 'what haven't I done that needs to get done?' but when A-M came back yesterday, I asked her to make a list or a kind of detail about the things that I didn't do and probably should have done, but as it turns out she said to me "You did more than was expected of you." That threw me a bit. "If I had been in the same position in my first year of teaching, I would have done a lot less than what you have done in the last five weeks." That was nice to hear but I still asked her to do the report so I could at least have some 'feedback and feedforward'.

I think I enjoyed the Strike Percussion lessons the most with the Year 8&9 students, not just that the students were fun but the fact that I was making up lessons as I went (big no-no at Teachers College!). But it worked well because I had already worked out the unit and lesson order, it just turned out that there were huge gaps in my planning. I ended up using an idea that I had written up for the Year 7s and that led directly into one of my planned sections of the unit, so the lessons I was making up on the spot worked in well to everything else I was doing with the classes.

I was putting away the chairs and guitars at the end of the day the week before last and I was thinking to myself that I really felt like I could take on the responsibilties of a fulltime music teacher. A-M asked me if this experience had put me off being a music teacher and I told her that it was the opposite - it had confirmed for me that I was more than capable and more than willing to do it.
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Sep. 9th, 2010

guitar in action shot

Quote

"We owe it as artists to come from the deepest place possible; that’s art." - Brann Dailor
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Sep. 7th, 2010

Children of Dune

Bankrupt on Selling

All the people you knew were the actors

Sep. 4th, 2010

A Time Of Changes

Down on the Upside (Job Blues)

For the first time in my employment history of being in a job that was drawing to an end, I find myself not wanting the job to end. As much as I liked working in the bookshop in Auckland, I was going through clinical depression at the time and was in a place that was not allowing me to have good relations with the people around me, so when it all came to a breaking point, I was relieved that I was leaving. Now, ten years later, I finally score a job that I'm very happy and content in despite whatever problems I have within the job, but the job is only temporary and quickly drawing to a close with only 4 working days left, and I find myself not wanting to leave at all.

On Wednesday I asked, somewhat tentively, the Deputy Principal (my old maths teacher) what the chances of getting some senior English experience were after I finish relieving for the music teacher. He replied that he had no positions coming up. Before I walked into his office, I already knew that there weren't any positions available, but hearing that there was nothing on the horizon, or practically no chance of staying on and gaining further experience really sent me down into the dumps. My mistake was having that conversation with him early in the morning - for the rest of the day I found it very difficult trying to smile around my students. I guess I was lucky that I only had two classes that day (for a first job, I've managed to score a pretty cruisy week due to the teacher I'm relieving for having management units which gives her extra non-contact hours. That's about 3 or 4 extra free periods, making a total of around 8 free periods throughout the week). There was a moment when I was helping a student through one of my free periods with his performance skills and onstage persona where I actually wanted to apologise for being in such a shit mood. But I got through it and he was very thankful for my help so I didn't feel so bad about that (and he ended up doing a really good performance for the class at the end of the day - made me very happy, momentarily).

But man I felt like shit all day. I'm just at that point in my life where I actually do want to settle down, I don't want to be moving around from one job to another, but now I feel like I have to keep searching. It sucks, but it's just the way it is.

I went for drinks with a few of the teachers afterwards at Soho, which I had never been to before (didn't exist prior to me leaving Home). One of the male teachers who I'd only spoken to once or twice said that this was his first year as a fulltime teacher and prior to this he was working as a relief teacher for 2 years. That made me re-evaluate where I was, and perhaps it won't be so bad afterall. Maybe I can cruise for a while just doing one or two days a week. I'm not paying board at the moment so money actually isn't such a big problem.

We also talked about squash and he said if I wanted to pick that up again he'd be happy to meet me on the courts. Sounds like a good plan, and he seems like a pretty cool guy, so I might take him up on that offer.

Down a little, but now I'm picking myself up again.

Aug. 23rd, 2010

Sinoda

Arrived home so happy from work today

Because today during a music lesson I had all but two members of my Yr 10 class's names on the board for either a Warning or already on Report. I sent two of them to the office, and four remained on Report. That settled the rest of the class down and I was able to talk with them honestly and openly about why they were having trouble focussing, or what aspects of the lesson that they weren't enjoying.

I wonder if students know that their teachers arrive home in a good mood after they've put students on Report or sent them to the office. The whole disciplinary system - in whatever form - actually helps teachers to enjoy their job!
Against The Grain

Implementing Alcohol Laws in New Zealand

So the brilliant minds of the New Zealand government have decided to implement even more drinking age limits, alcohol purchasing bans, and laws that punish adults for supplying youth with liquor. Will any of this have an effect? Most people on the streets when asked, say "no". Does the government take any of this into consideration? No.
       The New Zealand government, regardless of what party it is, seem to be experts at implementing laws that have no decisive outcome for the people that they are aimed at. Drinking laws designed around age limits do nothing to deter teenagers from drinking - anyone who has half a brain knows this; anyone who has been a teenager knows this! Nor will punishing adults for supplying their children with alcohol deter adults from supplying their children with alcohol - maybe some, but it is my opinion that most wont be detered. Why? Because fines do little to deter adults and teenagers from speeding. Maybe some, maybe most. I know that when I'm driving I don't want to get a ticket because I can't afford it, so I slow down or keep at the speed limit. But the consequence of speeding shouldn't be about "getting a ticket", it should be a conscious decision to take care while driving so that harm doesn't come to others. I say "it should be" as a belief in the general well-being of society which enhances my involvement in it (my Egoistic justification there, thank you very much!). I believe that the problem of binge-drinking and alcohol supply works the same way - give the subject a limit, and they will push against that limit; take away the limit, the subject no longer has anything to push against.
       I believe that the New Zealand's attitude can be summed up by the following quote taken from a news report: "...alcohol legislation and alcohol education could be the key..."  Who woulda thunk that alcohol education could solve the problem??? Amazing!
       Let me pose a possible fact that I have not substantiated: Knife stabbings are less frequent than deaths caused by alcohol. Children are around knives from birth, basically, and most of them respect the damage that knives can do; the alcohol laws New Zealand's government continue to implement only give teenagers and young adults more to experience, and more to test the limits of, once they've reached the legal age.
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Aug. 20th, 2010

Sinoda

Cat Affection

Mum and Dad are loving having the cat around. They both now have some[one] to show (some sort of) afffection to without any kind of personal commitment going into that affection (as I observe it). I think Dad really enjoys being able to "figure" the cat out and make "informed" comments about her behaviour - quite a serious thing in his life - without being told that he's wrong, or being accused of not knowing what he's talking about; I think Mum likes speaking affectionately to her and being able to show her affection. It's really nice.

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