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| this sums it up... |
[October 11th 2008 - 04:13 pm] |
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Today was suppossed to be a great day. My family was in town for the OU Texas game and I was inviting friends over as well. Only one ended up coming. And all she did was watch me get all worked up over the game. My aunt was so into the game she basically ignored me. Nobody said goodbye to me when they left either. OU lost and that made me extremely upset. I have a really bad headache right now, actually. I also thought about Nate alot today. I haven't talked to him in a couple of days. I still can't believe I let myself get so attatched to him when I knew he was moving back to california. What did I expect? That he would change his mind for me? Hahaha. I'm feeling more depressed than usual and I'm seeing Connie again, which is really hard for me. I feel like I hate myself more than usual, I feel more alone and empty than usual... I just hate the way things are for me right now. I literally have nobody. There is no way I will be able to open up to the people that surround me now. All I want is to tell Nate everything and just cry. I just want to let it all go and I want him to hold me. Those nights with him were the best I'd ever felt. And now he is gone and I will never have that with him again. It is so weird how he has completely replaced John. It's like John who? I'm glad that I'm seeig Connie for the reason that if I wasn't I would go crazy. I do not know what I would do with mself. Things have never been like this before. I have never felt more depressed/empty/pathetic/worthless in my entire life. I feel like such a waste and I just want to dissapear. I've been so overwhelmed lately and all I want to do is talk to Nate, but I dont think that is appropriate. We weren't very good friends untill right before he left, and I don't want him to think I'm clinging to him like I did with John, his best friend. I feel like I can't completely breathe, and like I have a stomach full of rocks. I just might curl up in my bed and dissapear for the rest of the night.
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| what money and a big mouth can buy. |
[March 26th 2008 - 08:18 pm] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
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I hate this feeling. There is no real damage control for what I've let myself do. I just can't see myself the way I used to...
And maybe If I could I wouldn't look so shitty.
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| you are blind |
[January 19th 2008 - 08:03 pm] |
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mood |
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morose |
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Sometimes I feel so low that it seems to redifine the meaning.
I feel like my entire body is frowning. A part of me just wants to die, or run away. I'm am suffocating, and everyone is ignoring it.
I keep telling myself that I have to get away while I still can, but my escapes are getting cut off, leaving me with with no release.
How can you blame me for the things I've done? You've fucked me up. YOU are responsible.
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[September 16th 2007 - 08:46 pm] |
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I will always love you.
And I have to believe that you'll give me a chance when I turn 18.
I am so happy that I saw you today.
You looked so beautiful, with your t-shirt, basketball shorts, and bright blue eyes.
The butterflies were making me so sick.
The thought of you makes me want to cry out of happiness,
throw up...
I want nothing more than to be with you.
Today Marc said, "Okay, so lets say you are in a bar in New York, and in comes John... you are 21, and he's 26...you say 'hey smitty!' and you guys talk about your jobs and how life is going... do you think you'd ask him to have lunch?"
I answered with yes.
He was my first love,
he is someone who I will always love, I will alaways have a place for him.
I love him.
I love him.
I love him.
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| six more months... |
[August 6th 2007 - 11:26 pm] |
It's hard when you want someone, you want them really bad, or so it seems, and then you have them, and you find you don't want them anymore. You push them away. I thought it was because I was comparing all of the guys since John to John, but now I am thinking it's me. It's my problem. Maybe I'm afraid they wont treat me right, that's why I go for the older, more mature guys(the ones who don't want me). I don't know. I always say I want someone to want me, but when they do, I don't want them anymore. I don't know what I want.
I recently found out were John used to live, I know his parent's address. Of course It had to be literally right down the street from where I've been working for the past year. Wow. I drove by it five times yesterday, and twice today. I am pathetic and really creepy. Just thinking about him makes me happy. I was over him, but now that I know where he lived, it has brought back something. But nothing I can't control. I've been thinking again that when I turn 18 he will contact me. I just really hope he will contact me. But I'm afraid if we ever did date, or hang out, whatever, we wouldn't click, you know? How terrible would it be to realize the person you'd been waiting for was just wasting your time. I don't know. There is no way in hell he can feel this way about me. But I am going to give myself hope, I know fully well that I could be setting myself up for something terrible. But I need to believe in something. I need to believe that I havent spent the last year struggling for someone who doesn't give a shit about me.
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| Jesus Christ |
[June 20th 2007 - 10:03 pm] |
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I just want to cry. I want to let it all out. But I am tired of sitting on my bathroom floor balling. I want someone fucking there. Someone who doesnt have to say anything, just someone to hold me. Maybe I'm too picky, but I want someone who I know could say something really meaningful to me if I wanted to hear it. Someone who will understand how hard it is for me to cry in front of them, or how much courage it takes me to talk about things these days. I am just really hurting. I'm tired of feeling like I can't trust anyone with my feelings. I'm tired of feeling vunerable, I just want to find someone who knows how important my feelings are. It isnt something you let in one ear and out the other. Nobody knows the depths of my life. This year has fucking changed me so much, and nobody knows a damn thing. Nobody knows me.
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| you |
[May 3rd 2007 - 10:05 pm] |
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It's sad to me that all it takes is one word from you, for me to lose all the progress I have made and suffered for. I'm really pissed because I thought I was stronger than that, but I guess I'm not. I'm still a fucking pathetic, easily swayed, dependant girl after all of that. After all that I was put through. After all of me thinking this changed my life and I'm so different and better because of it, you're turning it to shit. I am going to stop myself now, I made a promise to myself that I'd never put myself through that again, so I'm going to get out while I still can. You might as well be a bitch to me because you being nice puts me through a greater hell. One you will never know. You lead me on, you fucking lead me on, and I fell for you. I broke every fucking bone in my body because of you and started over again. And now I am losing balance again! I just want to scream. I'm really tired. I'm tired of being hurt. You hurt me so badly. How dare you have the fucking guts to talk to me like you used to, haven't you learned...haven't I learned? After all of the tears and talks I haven't learned shit. I STILL am not over you and that kills me. Fuck you. I never want to talk to you again because I am so in love with you still that it hurts. It may amuse you and boost your self esteem to see someone so strung out over you, but thats so selfish to put me through that again, because you know god damn well that I am not strong enough to resist. But you taught me what feeling vunerable meant and that is the only thing I thank you for. Vunerability was what I had been feeling most of my life and you helped me find that. But I'm not up to making more self realizations over you. You aren't fucking worth it. And yet I still pretend that I'm with you because it's the closest I'll ever be. And this is the most emotional post I've posted in a while. Proves that I haven't learned a damn thing.
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| Sick |
[April 29th 2007 - 09:36 pm] |
Because of him my life had really gotten off track. He was all I could think about, I lost track of everything that had been important to me before. I ignored everything I had worked for. I'm so mad at myself. I can't forgive myself.
I let myself go, and here I am today. I look in the mirror ar stare at daunting fat. My stats make me want to keel over and die.
5'5
127
What the hell? I am ugly!I am fat, I am ugly, I am nothing. And I can't be beautifull until I make a fucking change. I was so close last year, SO CLOSE. But I screwed myself over and my mouth ruined me. I may never get enough momentum to continue on, but there is support, and I just want to get my drive back. I need to push myself now more than ever. I look sick in a bathing suit. Absolutely sick. I am fat. I just wish I would look beautiful.
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[November 20th 2006 - 06:01 pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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So...LIFE:
is pretty good. things have changed so tremendously. mostly for the better. i'm not sure what exactly has influenced me so much, but i have an idea. getting a job has taught me so much and definitely matured me. i am such a different person emotionally these days. i like it though. i'm much stronger and independent, its not good to feel like you can't make yourself happy. maybe i have just grown out of a stage, i'm not sure. but i do know that i am thankfull. i am so very thankful like i have never been before. i appreciate my family and friends so much more now. i've been really good on not repeating gossip. but in other aspects i have really let myself go and i can't forgive myself for it. i've been dabbling with new things, anything to get me back on track. i'm so scared to step on a scale, i promised myself not to give into that temptation, and i am trying to keep strong. i'm mortafied of thanksgiving. thanksbinging [for making me gain 5 pounds] is how i see it. but i'm going to excersise and eat better and try to make a healthy change in my physical lifestyle for the better. and in other events i think i am finally over him, for real this time, i truely believe that i am finally in the clear. ive been through hell getting over that, and i'm glad that things have been lightening up. but i've heard some things and i am not going to make it a big deal, but i really am scared. i don't know how i'll handle myself, and i guess it'll be the true test as to whether im over it or not.
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| Tonight |
[August 6th 2006 - 09:07 am] |
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I can't let this get to me. If I let it show how badly I'm hurt he'll know how much he really meant to me. I don't want him to know how bad he'll hurt me. It will end me. I don't want to be denied. I can't go through this again, I just can't. There is only so much rejection I can take. HE DOESN'T like me. I know it. If he did he'd IM me, unless he's in the same boat as me. Maybe he's afraid I don't like him and that I'll be creeped out. If I don't leave there without a kiss, I am coming home in tears. I don't want anyone else, ever. It has never been this bad before. WHY does it have to be with a 21 year old co-worker. I couldn't get to sleep last night because I know I'd see him today and the word will get out. And what will I do when it does? I CAN'T cry. I can't. I'm not very strong, but I'll try to muster every bit of strength I posses. It's strange to say, but even though I don't know if he even thinks twice about me, I find myself writing about him, thinking about him, and loving him. I think I'm in love with someone who may not even love me back. And Why would he? I'm 16! He could find girls his own age. Why would he want me? I just pray that something miraculous happens tonight, because I don't know how I'll live with myself otherwise.
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