|I am tempting superstition.
||[11 Nov 2011|07:24pm]
Once, if I remember well, my life was a feast where all hearts opened and all wines flowed.
One evening I seated Beauty on my knees.
And I found her bitter.
And I cursed her.
I armed myself against justice.
O Witches, O Misery, O Hate, to you has my treasure been entrusted!
I contrived to purge my mind of all human hope.
On all joy, to strangle it, I pounced with the stealth of a wild beast.
I called to the executioners that I might gnaw their rifle-butts while dying.
I called to the plagues to smother me in blood, in sand.
Misfortune was my god.
I laid myself down in the mud.
I dried myself in the air of crime.
I played sly tricks on madness.
And spring brought me the idiot's frightful laughter. Now, only recently, being on the point of giving my last squawk, I thought of looking for the key to the ancient feast where I might find my appetite again. Charity is that key.—This inspiration proves that I have dreamed! "You will always be a hyena. . ." etc., protests the devil who crowned me with such pleasant poppies. "Attain death with all your appetites, your selfishness and all the capital sins!" Ah! I'm fed up: —But, dear satan, a less fiery eye I beg you!
And while awaiting a few small infamies in arrears, you who love the absence of the instructive or descriptive faculty in a writer, for you let me tear out these few, hideous pages from my notebook of one of the damned.
Add me. Or don't. Its your call.
|In the same confusing breath, you pull away and draw me in...
||[22 Nov 2005|02:31am]
I read these words in a book last month, and they impacted me so much that I couldn't breathe for a minute:
"Keep me up till five only because all your stars are out, and for no other reason."
Which is to say that I no longer care about the good points of a person. You see those all the time. I care now about the faults of everyone around me. Because how can you honestly say you know someone unless you know what they are capable of? How much easier would the world be if we started off on the wrong foot every time, and always put our worst face forward? If you can see the absolutely most atrocious part of a person, and still care, that is love.
Don't surprise me years later by ruining lives.
Don't turn your back on me once I finally start to trust you.
Don't hurt the people I care about, because you can walk all over me but I will never let someone hurt the ones who have showed me the full extent of their selves.
Let's all just be fucking honest with eachother.
When you first meet me, walk right up to me, shake my hand, and tell me you will try and fuck my boyfriend behind my back. If I can get past that and still want you in my life, I can get past anything.
Here, let me show you how simple this is -
*My name is Valerie Eisley Hawks.
*I don't clean or wash dishes or take showers as much as I should.
*I am bad with money.
*I curse too much.
*I have an extremely offensive side to me that I rarely show to people unless I know they will get it.
*I am controlling at times.
*I will think less of you if you make a habit of listening to Staind.
*I will harbor things that you won't even notice you have done to offend me and then just let it all fly out at once one day when you least expect it.
*Because I think I am honestly capable of rising above anger since its a useless emotion, but I am not as good at it as I thought.
*I will think I am better than you if I realise that you aren't as intelligent as me,
*And I will make a mental note to use my intelligence against you if you ever betray me.
*As a matter of fact, I rarely waste time even talking anyone who I feel isn't as intelligent as me.
*I can't stand when someone calls their self a "writer" or an "artist", because that is subjective and presumptuous.
*I am overly responsible, but
*I abandon responsibility sometimes just to make myself or someone else happy.
*I have a big head when it comes to wisdom, because I have experienced more than probably 98% of people my age, and I have learned every lesson I have had to take from it.
*I can't stand bragging or boasting, unless the person really is that awesome because then it is just the truth.
*I feel almost get violent if I hear someone glorify mental illness or death.
*I don't divulge much information about myself that isn't general knowledge or absolute fluff, partly because I don't want it used against me someday, but mostly because I would rather listen to someone else talk than listen to myself.
*I am ruthless when I catch someone being insincere, and I can spot it from a mile away.
*I get a little too much pleasure out of seeing people get what they deserve, whether it be good or bad.
*One of my best friends is a murderer, and I feel guilty for it sometimes because what he did was really wrong, but nearly all the time I feel guilty for feeling like his friendship is a fault of mine, because he is my equal.
*I don't tolerate someone being weak-willed, dependant, or impatient.
*And I hold grudges until I feel an acceptable amount of apology has been tossed my way.
There. Now I feel better and I know that anyone who read that and still wants to speak to me, much less know me, really and truly does because they see some sort of potential in me.
Is that so terribly difficult?
I invite you all, here and now, to do the same.
Don't give me a glowing review of yourself and keep me up till five because I am talking about what an enchanting person you are.
Keep me up till five because you have blown my perception, and I still love you.
|The only difference is what might be is now...
||[17 Sep 2005|06:43pm]
|Your Band Name is:|
The Cultivated Pope
There is this band from Chapel Hill called Cities, which looks like scene shite and sounds like scene shite in theory, but isn't at all because when you actually hear them... Good stuff. Unfortunately, they haven't recorded an album yet (and won't have one out for another year apparently) and if I want to hear them, I have to either -
a) go to one of their shows, which is guaranteed to be loaded with hipster chicks. I feel it is safe to make this assumption, because the kids in the bands might be hotter than Conor Oberst. And I just don't feel like wading through that.
b) go to their myspace site, which is equally swarming with said girls [luckily, I won't have to listen to them talk on myspace].
c) request one of their songs on the radio, but I always kinda feel like a tool when I do that for some reason.
I wish I had money. I would seriously fund these guys just so they would churn out an album sooner, cos I am selfish like that.
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