Lately I've been experiencing bouts of depressing feelings. And I find it hard to blog about it. It feels like I've lost a large part of my life and former interests away, while trying to aimlessly grasp a new set of interests that don't seem to quite gel with me.
I missed school. I missed working like a dog on a set as we rush to shoot scenes after scenes, project after projects. I missed hiding in the editing labs to stay back after closing just so I can continue editing my film. I missed sleeping 3-4 hours each day as I travel down to school for morning classes.
I would also spend hours at night with isaac, talking about a lot of things. Our dreams, our future and what we should and should not do with our lives. Supper was always hokkien mee and teh pengs. And after we bought our electrical bikes, riding them through the night was the best form of freedom I ever experienced.
I'm be honest and say that I also missed my old life, when I was heavily involved in the anime community. Watching animes, blogging on my aniblog, receiving tonns of comments and interacting with my readers, buying figurines, going on cosplay photoshoots, etc etc.
As I grew busier, I started doing less of that. And something in my head told me I should have lesser dealings with all this "otaku" stuff, and I started throwing those roots behind. Today I went back to my old aniblog and read all the entries and comments and it made me missed the old times.
Now, what do I do each day? I spend hours and all my energy on my recruits, pushing them to their limits, disciplining and scolding them, guiding and advising them. I talk, shout, joke and motivate my guys. I don't have to do all of this, but I still do. Even when I'm getting closer to my ORD date I still put in the same amount of energy I put when I took my first batch of recruits.
But is this what I really want to do? Before I enlisted I told myself I would spend my free time writing and working on building up a pool of scripts that I would then shoot after I ORD. But what do I have? Nothing. I keep squandering my free time around doing nothing. I play games, marathon dramas and spend an obscene amount of time on the internet. Because I'm broke as shit from paying for my macbookpro and 7D, I hardly go out to so as to save more money.
Even with those new toys, the lack of money just prevents me for doing anything I want to really do. I keep thinking of shooting music videos, short films but they all get cock-blocked in the end.
And as such, I'm really starting to feel very left out and tired. My social circle outside my army life is dwindling. It's pathetic. I haven't met anyone new in ages, talked about something I loved in ages or do anything I loved in ages. Everything's in a shamble now and I'm starting to lose the meaning of my existence.
It's so scary to think about what I'm going to do after I ORD. I've been doing the same thing for the last 1 plus year and to suddenly stop it all... it's going to be a huge system shock.
Help me, I'm really at a loss.