All our secrets they are tailored trouble - March 9th, 2006

Everything that is holding the family finally seems to be crumbling.
The fine lines that used to hold and gel everyone together seems to be snapping apart slowly.
Perhaps it`s only just me, and to be honest i don`t know what`s going on.

I find myself no longer greeting my father, nor talking to him.
I no longer recognize him, just like how i have no longer recognize God.
And yet a part of me knows that i`m only hurting my father even more.
He`s having a lot of stress at work, and that my behavior towards him is unnessary,
i still can`t seem to stop being the way i am now.

Why must things be like that? Why am i acting and treating my father like that
when i know it isn`t right? Why can`t i make the first move and dispel the nonsense
instead of waiting for him to make that move? What`s with this senseless pride
between the two of us?
Ever since the arguement the other day, we haven spoken much.
Most of the time we would have arguements from time to time, but this time
the pretend-nothing-has-happened facade has finally broken.
What he has done has left a searing pain in my heart and i have refused to acknowledge him.
This is so infurating and it just wants to make me scream.

On top of that, the amount of school work is piling like crazy.
Now that all the projects are group based, it`s even more difficult to get it done because
of everyone`s own different schedule.

And the more stress i get, the more i escape to my alter world- my animes.
I know i have to prevent myself from being overstressed, or i might get a relapse
and my blood pressure will go up again.

Yet whenever my parents see me watching animes, they always think i`m not doing any work.
And then they complain I don`t sleep enough. How does one sleep if you`re under stress?
And can they see stress? I don`t write the word stress all over my face.
I bet if i were to go to school and ask my classmates, nobody will even know that i`m stressed up.
I`m always bouncing around in class and jumping from groups to groups and talking to people.
So carefree and easy going, yet producing his work on time.

If only it was like that.

My mother told me today that it`s impossible to talk to me because i get offended easily
by her poor choice of words. Then i told her to write me a letter then.
Because i know my mother is concerned for me, but she has a problem with keeping her tone in check
and when she raises her tone, i get angry and then her wrong choices of words would come out of her mouth.
It`s a vicious cycle. Always, and forever it will be.

and yet instead of taking my idea, she says that writting letter is for people who are apart
and if we can talk to each other face to face we should do so instead of a letter.
and goes on to say something about dying, blah blah blah.
seriously, why doesn`t she listen to me sometimes.

don`t you see? we already have a communication breakdown. we cannot talk.
we cannot talk without pissing the living shit out of each other, and we bloody hell know it.
a letter will completely erase the tonal issue, and then we will be able to get our messages across.
sometimes i wish they would read my blog instead of trying to read my actions.
sigh.

Also, the upcoming course interviews are coming. In lasalle, for us to enter the course
we intend to major in requires us to sit for an interview and portfolio review.
Not good. I intend to major in film, and yet there is nothing that i have done in foundation
that shows my capability in it. we just started doing film this term now, but it`s impossible to have it ready
for the interview next week. if only film was offer last term, i would have been able show it.
also, there intake for film classes is small. there are only 10-15 spaces avaliable
and i have to compete with students from 18 other classes for it.
the only thing i have to show would be the past films that i have done in my secondary school days,
and that upon watching it, i feel it lacks the impact.
it is without a doubt, superb standard in the ranks of secondary school but not here in lasalle.

I think i`m going to take my regular night stroll. I`m very very stressed up now.
I finished watching all my animes and i got nothing to kill this stress off.

Damn it.

You know that something isn`t quite right with you when you find dolls alot more attractive then people.
Well then again, that`s not wrong right? Since dolls are the perfect manifestion of people.
We are flawed afterall.


Lahoo, Shall, Camine

Man, it must be Rozen Maiden that got me hook up on dolls.