I am depressed as fuck and I have nobody to talk to. I'll probably crawl into bed soon because I'm freezing but I have to get some stuff out first. It'll probably just be random because I don't really give a fuck right now.

I'm losing my family. I've had issues lately and I haven't hung out with anyone as much so apparently this makes me disposable to them. My aunt seems mad at me which is okay. Family gets mad. But, again, I'm disposable so it's an offense that allows her to drop me as family, I guess. I guess that's just all I will ever be to anyone. I am disposable. 

I am probably in love with Ryan. Fuck it. I am in love with Ryan. But he has his own stuff going on so it really couldn't be a worse time for me to realize this. And he has his whole pulling away thing. And wanting to tell him I love him all the time and not being able to/really wanting to makes me grouchy and emo. He said to me the other day I don't consider how he's feeling unless someone is dying. I really thought I was, but I guess I wasn't. I have always told him I was selfish and I guess he sees it now. He sees how crazy and vulnerable I am now. Everything I told him about how bad I was was spot-on and he realizes it now. He's moving and he'll be busy starting over somewhere new, and all my issues don't make me appealing to hold onto. I feel like I'm counting down the days now until he's not in my life anymore. And I can't tell him any of this because when I tried to explain it before, he just told me if he was causing me so much trouble, I should quit talking to him. BECAUSE I AM DISPOSABLE, GET IT? LOL. I'm easily replaced and I'm not that important or worth it when it comes down to it. I know that and he's not a shitty person for knowing it too. It's the truth. I told him that from the beginning all of this would happen because I knew it would. Why do I feel so bad about it? Here's a secret: I tell him all the time that I don't trust words; only actions. But I trust just about everything he says. Except when he says everything is fine right now. I don't feel like it is.

I miss my grandma. A lot. And it's weird because I hardly thought about her when she was alive. I saw her on holidays and a few other times a year but I guess a year and a half was as long as I could go without seeing her because I fucking miss her. I'm sad I'll never see her again. I'm sad she won't be at Christmas or Thanksgiving. I'm sad my mom has to work Christmas and Thanksgiving. Those holidays were always empty anyway because we hardly had any family. Now my stepfather is gone and so is my grandma. It's just my mom and I. Last year, my two aunts, their husbands, my mom, Scott, and me and all my cousins and their kids all had Thanksgiving at my aunt Robin's house and it was great. It was so nice that everyone was together and it was fun and it was me and my mom's first Thanksgiving ever without my grandma, but it was probably the best Thanksgiving we had in awhile anyway. I thought we'd do it every year. But now my aunt's big house is sold. My cousins are dispersed all over the state. Everyone's life (except mine) has changed so much from last year, and I think everyone is pissed at me or something. So I will be sitting alone in my room on Thanksgiving.

My second to youngest cousin is pregnant, and I'm happy for her and scared for her, but I'm also jealous. She's 18 and she already has a fuller life than I do. It feels at this point that she already has a fuller life than I ever will. I was 18 when my cousin Jessica got pregnant and I was already jealous then. Being 23 and having an even younger cousin surpass me is bothering me. I was the only one who really wanted kids and I still don't have them. I feel so behind everyone. I'm taking her being pregnant pretty hard.

I was closest to her sister who is now living with an asshole in a completely different city. He mistreats her and has already cheated on her so I have no interest in being around him. I feel like I won't see her anymore.

I felt like I was getting better. I was feeling better. I was keeping the house in good shape for once. I was pretty motivated. Now I'm not motivated to do anything but sit in my room and cry. On one hand, I just wanna move on and make my life what I always wanted it to be. On the other hand, I just want my life to be over. I'm not even sure how I make it out of bed to go to work every morning. I'm really not.

I'm always getting hung up on what people aren't saying. Or what I think they aren't saying anyway. It just confuses me and frustrates me. Then I get scared. Then I start pushing away. Then I feel bad I'm pushing away. And I put up a small fight and then retreat to my tongue-biting, feeling like I'm about to jump out of my skin mental solitude. Grin and bear it. After all, it's not their fault I'm confused. They don't deserve my being nasty because I'm afraid.

It's just really scary when you can't stop yourself from feeling something even though you know you should. And you keep thinking maybe a person is changing their mind or just said something to placate you in the first place but why do you think that? And who is it helping, anyway? I drive myself completely crazy sometimes.

I'm really not good at this closeness thing.

Holy crap! I finally remembered the password for this account! The entries were all embarrassing so I deleted most of them except for a couple I made around the time my dad was dying. I made those private. I hadn't made one since 2009 anyway. I have a Dreamwidth journal I've seen writing stuff in since January but... well... that's all complicated. I wrote a goodbye letter to someone on it and made all the other entries private and then abandoned it. I don't need the one person who reads it knowing what else I'm saying about them. Thanks. 

Nothing much has been going on since that whole me telling Eric to quit talking to me thing. That's been bugging me a lot more than I thought it would. I'm kind of sad over it being done but I was prepared for that. It was a long time coming, and I needed to just pull the plug. I thought after everything he's said to me, he would be happy I was letting it go. I felt good for the first time in a long time the day I told him we were done with each other. Sure, he had acted like a dick (what else is new?) but I did say goodbye pretty nicely. Probably way nicer than he deserved. I think when I ended it, even after he had been such a jerk to me, I still thought he was a good person deep down. I know he's really messed up, but I still thought he cared about me on some level. I'm finding out way different.

Hours after I told him that, he flips out on me and says, "You're dead to me. I'm done with you in every sense of the word." At first, it was just funny to me because, like, he always says he doesn't give a shit about me but isn't saying that after someone had already said they were done with you hours before that a little, um, unnecessary? Then he says, "And about your little schpeel earlier... nothing is off limits." My little "schpeel" earlier was that I wouldn't talk about him if he didn't talk about me since this is an ongoing problem with both of us. He knows one thing about me that would devastate me if he told, and he knows that. He always swore he'd never tell anyone and I definitely never did anything to deserve him telling. I was pretty hurt and I'm still pretty hurt. As far as I know, he hasn't made good on the threat but there's a lot of things that just make me sick about all of it.

Firstly, he told me more than once that he knew how much our situation was bothering me and that he wanted to make it better but he didn't know how and that frustrated him. He once told me, "Do whatever you have to do to feel better." That's what I did and he completely changed his personality on me. My friend said, "I don't think he thought you'd ever give up on him or like anyone else, and now that you do, he's pissed. He just wanted to control you." And that leads me into the next thing that is so upsetting to me. Of all things I thought about him, I never truly thought he was just trying to control me. It all makes sense now, sure, but it's horrible to realize. I was totally in love with him and I had an insane amount of respect for him. I thought for all his assholeish personality, there was still a pretty decent man in there. Apparently you can know someone for three years and not really know them at all. 

Realizing all this means he never cared about me at all. Even when I was still dealing with all his bullshit, there were things he did and said that made me and other people think he did care about me. He just couldn't do a damn thing with it because he's so fucked up. It turns out everytime he apologized, gave me a compliment, or came back to me after I thought he was gone... it was just some cleverly disguised bullshit to keep me stuck. That explains all the times I thought he only seemed to be happy when I was lost and confused over him. He'd say he didn't like me and wanted to be friends. I'd act like his friend and he'd say I was acting fake. He'd say he didn't want me and then tell me he was so attracted to me and say shit like, "You piss me off so bad sometimes but I just can't be mad at you". All while claiming he didn't wanna lead me on. Well, what do you call that? 

I'm genuinely upset over it. I've hardly eaten the last few days because my stomach hurts all the time. I know that will pass though. I just hope he drops it and I hope to God he doesn't come back until I'm strong enough to tell him no. I can't do that anymore. I thought I was free when I told him we were done with each other. Apparently, all that meant to him is that he had officially lost control of me and had to throw out the one bargaining chip he had reserved. I can't figure out why else he'd do it.

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