Spinning these days into things that I've lost

Time. Its weird. It is remarkable how years can go by in a flash, yet I know these next six to eight weeks are going to crawl. Time flies when you are having fun, and goes really fucking slow when you are stuck in a bed hoping you don't get a deadly blood clot.

Dreading the holidays even more. I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck at home and alone on the hardest time of the year for me. The rational part of me knows people aren't going to just abandon me, but I fail at being rational more than I would like. I just want to be able to go to my moms xmas eve party, and to my aunts brunch, etc. I hope I'll be a little more mobile by then. I would adore just being able to say...get into my bathroom. I miss seeing the rest of my house!

I'm going to get massive cabin fever, I know that. I suppose I could have Greg take me outside, but I can't drive anywhere really...well, maybe if we borrow the wheelchair van from Greg's grandma. Maybe I'll have to do that because. Um. I really might lose my mind!

In other news, Erik is doing amazing. Churning out milestones like its no big thing. Crawling, pulling up, and he even knows how to get back down again! Its amazing just watching him learn, watching him work through problems and figure things out. Its wonderful to see the light in his eyes when he figures something out, see his pride. I'm sure for most of you its just "blah blah blah mom talk", heh, but really, it is beautiful.

I've done some xmas shopping, but still have a lot to do. I imagine I'll be doing a lot of my shopping online this year, that or find a personal shopper, lol. My mom did volunteer. Some things I just can't get online, so I may have to take her up on that.

Doh! Go back to sleep Erik! The little bugger must know daddy is coming home >.>

Well, that's it for now I suppose. Hope ya'll are doing well.

I get to go home tonight!! YAAAAAY!

I'm nervous though. I hope I can get in the house alright. They took the giant cast off and replaced it with a big sturdy knee brace, but I'm still nervous its going to hurt more when I move than the cast did. They will be getting me visiting nurses and stuff too...to take a little bit of the pressure off those taking care of me. I just want to go home!

I need to go food shopping...I have almost nothing at home -.-. I may have to use Peapod. The delivery charge isn't expensive, but Stop and Shop is expensive on its own (we usually shop at priceright) so I don't really want to shop there -.-

Blah. Just waiting for someone to come get me...heh. I miss my baby! I'll see him soon. Hope he's excited to see me!

I broke my fucking leg.

That's it life, I quit.

Its the holiday season....so of course I'm getting depressed.

Every year I tell myself that I won't get depressed this time, and every time I fail. Even with it being Erik's first holiday season I can't get excited. It seems like a chore.

If I had the money I'd take off somewhere xmas can't find me, really I would. Am I just not trying hard enough?

I can't help but remember sitting around the tree opening gifts on xmas morning, hollow inside.

Greg found Erik STANDING in his crib this morning! He had pulled himself right up to a standing position. Holy cow.

He's eight months old. Can you even believe it? I can't. Its going to be this kids first birthday before I know it. Wow.

I need a good Samhain ritual. >.> .....

Sleep, I don't think we can see each other anymore. Its just not working out between you and me. There is this little squishy person....and he's coming between us. So...um, I think we need to break up. I'm sorry, I really do love you, so I hope that we can get back together someday. But for now, I bid thee farewell. I'm just going to stay up and eat oreos until they start telling me my hair looks pretty.

I just want to know where I stand

I'm tired of reaching out to people who don't reach back.

In other news, I'm just tired in general.

Baby proofing is in full swing. This kid will be crawling any day...he's already scooting around on his belly pretty darn well, not to mention making a lot of progress toward WALKING. Its crazy to see.

And yes, things besides baby things do happen to me. Played a lovely game of Gundam today with Scott and Joe (Morgan...where are you...?) ...and on Thursday we had a night out with Vero and Fin, went to Tini. Drank lots, ordered almost everything on the menu (its tapas) and had the most wonderful coffee in the world. The tattoo on my upper back will probably be making it into their slide show, though the whole restaurant almost got a view of my bra as we were trying to pull my dress out of the way to see it!

Tomorrow, probably going to babies r us (exciting?) to buy gates. I would love to go to the movies, but I don't think that will happen. Want to see Where the Wild Things are. Yeah. Uh huh. Also though...HOUSE! Always with House.

Faceplants, not fun. Dirt doesn't taste great.

KRF was a good time though, Erik loved it, and he looked ADORABLE as a little viking. Pictures will be up on facebook soon. People were crowding around just to take his picture. <3

My face rather hurts though....sigh. Knees, too, but what else is new?

WTF. I thought I was starting to get sick..but then I thought it was getting better and I was fighting it off! But now, just after I said I was feeling better I get MAJORLY sick. I can't breathe through my nose, my throat is killing me, and I got something like four hours of sleep, not even in a row, between mine and Erik's colds. Sure hope Greg's immune system is better than mine! Uggghhh

I'm so tired. I feel so crappy. But I have no choice but to work. Nancy has Erik so that Greg could work with his dad today, so I have to answer the phone cause yeah, phone and baby don't mix.

I just want to crawl into a hole. When are things going to get better? They've sucked for a while now.

I can't seem to catch my breathe today.

Everything needs to slow down. I've reached a point where I can't function. I can't make myself do anything at the moment. I just....need everything to stop.

I'm feeling...a little bummed, religiously. Its really important to us to keep up with our religion/spirituality and that Erik have a good foundation, but our rituals and sabbats are almost always just the two of us. I don't really know what to do about. I know its partly because our schedule is so weird...but meh. I guess I just feel like these things are meant to be done in groups, and I feel like we're missing out.

Oh gods, just press zero! Aarrgh!! *tears out hair*

I need to plan meals better. I hate that I forget stuff. Blarg

38 DAYS UNTILL THE NEXT DIANA GABALDON OUTLANDER BOOK COMES OUT!!!!

*hyperventillating*

I need to babble, but I rarely know where to start.

First of all, I am feeling slightly isolated again. It is a bummer that I don't get to see my friends all that often. I suppose that's adulthood for you, and I'm still getting use to that. Its hard, without a common recreation, school or job to get together with people, I guess. Not that I'm blaming anymore, its mostly me that never has any time. I feel like I book my weekends many weeks in advance these days...and its not like my life is like...super packed full of important stuff. Just...the usual important stuff, jobs, babies, chores, errands. Guess thats why the socializing has to be scheduled.

Lets see. Erik is five months and one week old! Can you even believe it!? I can't. Its amazing how fast time has gone by and how much Erik has changed since we first brought him home. He's so alert these days, needs constant entertainment. He's fun though, when he isn't being a totally fuss pot, because he's smiling, laughing, and really interacting with us. I love him to pieces. I got the most adorable giggles out of him the other day just making funny faces at him. And he is getting SO BIG. He weighs twenty pounds now, and must be close to thirty inches. Very soon, it will be time for a new carseat (Hark, is that my wallet crying?) so we have to prepare for that. I'm also starting to really think about/start babyproofing, because I know this kid will be on the move before I know it and I want to be prepared. Looking around my house as it is now...its like a horrible death trap. I just look at everything that use to be so mundane and my imagination runs wild with traumatic things that could happen to Erik once he's crawling/walking around.

Scary thought, really it is.

Monday night, Greg and I had a date night. We went to the movies (the Ugly Truth, very funny) and then dinner at Ichigo Ichie a place Greg's mom picked out...sushi and hibachi. Very funky. We enjoyed it. Then we just came home and played video games for a little..had...well...a LOT of adult fun (mwahahahah!) and then slept in...baby free. It was really a treat! I missed my boy though, I was happy to have him back. Too bad I got back super fussy baby....I don't know, I think maybe he's got an ear infection (super nooooo!) so I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow. I sure hope he's just tugging on his ear for the hell of it, and is perhaps just grumpy because he's about to cut a tooth. Seriously, this kid has been teething FOREVER, will he just get a tooth already? PLEASE?

Right. Anyway. I bought a Chanel eyeshadow quad on ebay (why hello almost half the price. Its new, it was just a tester that never made it out, so it doesn't come in the compact) and I had fun playing with that today. I tried it dry, and the shades are fairly sheer, which I think is a good thing in that its pretty goof-proof. With a highly pigmented shadow if you mess up...well, you have to start all over again! I also got a new shadow from Mac, another quad in "Odd Bits" the shades are..similar to the Chanel in appearance but very different on. The Mac has a lot more shimmer and more pigmentation, and the colors are...different enough I guess. Though I'm silly for buying two that are so similar. (Wow, I wonder if ANYONE read that paragraph?)

I'm just waiting for Greg to get home from work, at which point we may play Fable or Dynasty Warriors Gundam before going to bed....maaaybe, if its not too late.

In other news, life is pretty boring, isn't it? Also, I feel old. Also, I love my family.

I need to see a doctor perhaps. I think my bod is more messed up than usual....but I'm being stubborn about it because I really don't want to go for some undetermined reason. I'll either have something wrong with me or...they won't be able to figure it out, neither of which is awesome. I think I would like to see the herbalist again to try to work out things in my digestion system, as I've seen MANY doctors for that and there was nothing conclusive there. Le sigh.

Okay, I'm tired. If you read all of this, I dunno. Good job, eat a cookie.

Woooo-ish. I'm a quarter.

People don't really understand why I'm depressed over this...I know, it seems really silly.

But I can't not think of the fact that my dad didn't even make it to 50.

Its scary.

I feel like I'm drowning. Omg. Please don't rain all summer, PLEASE!

Greg's work. Please let him come home now. Thanks.