| (no subject) |
[Aug. 9th, 2006|02:07 am] |
| [ | feelings |
| |  drunk | ] |
| [ | sounds |
| | Pedro the Lion : Amazing Love | ] |
I'M DRUNK.
AND I'M GOING TO FINALLY FUCKING SEE TOOL.
XD |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2006|04:38 am] |
| [ | feelings |
| |  irritated | ] |
| [ | sounds |
| | Butthole Surfers : Birds | ] |
To whom it may concern:
You know, I appreciate that you care about me and feel the need to offer wisdom, but either a) find a more respectable way to voice this advice to me or, b) shut the fuck up.
This is getting fucking ridiculous.
Thanks,
Summer |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 15th, 2006|04:38 am] |
| [ | feelings |
| |  high | ] |
| [ | sounds |
| | Primus : Here Come the Bastards | ] |
I saw Primus. :] |
|
|
| weeeeeee |
[Jul. 12th, 2006|08:58 pm] |
(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)
| ✓ I miss somebody right now. (I always miss someone) |
✓ I don't watch much TV these days. |
✓ I own lots of books. (And read them too!) |
| × I wear glasses or contact lenses. |
✓ I love to play video games. |
✓ I've tried marijuana. (You could say more than "tried"...) |
| ✓ I've watched porn movies. |
× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. |
✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy. |
| ✓ I curse sometimes. (Sometimes is an understatement) |
× I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. |
× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. |
( it goes on... ) |
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| Yay Michael giving me entertainment. |
[Jul. 6th, 2006|03:35 am] |
jonestown_tea
- - - - - - - Your Life: The Soundtrack - - - - - - - -
So, here's how it works:
Open your music player (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, etc).
Put it on shuffle.
Press play.
For every question type the song that's playing.
When you go to a new question press the next button.
Some songs fit perfectly.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Opening Credits: Wumpscut - "Opening the Gates of Hell"
Waking Up: The Mars Volta - "Televators"
Falling in Love: Ministry - "Destruction"
Fight scene: Primus - "Arnie"
Breaking up: Hellsing Original Soundtrack - Akuma No Shiwazaka Kamiwazaka
Getting back together: A Perfect Circle - "Lullaby"
Secret Love: Tool feat. Rage Against the Machine - "Revolution"
Life's okay: Fall Out Boy - "Dead on Arrival"
Mental breakdown: Nine Inch Nails - "That's What I Get"
Partying: Metallica - "Frantic"
Long night alone: Queen - "These Are the Days of Our Lives"
Final Battle: Korn - "Play Me"
Death Scene: Bush - "Machinehead"
Credits: Meredith Brooks - "Bitch" |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 20th, 2006|11:06 am] |
| [ | feelings |
| |  itchy | ] |
| [ | sounds |
| | bjork : hyper-ballad | ] |
For whatever reason I feel compelled to make an actual update about the past few months of my life. I'll give you all the short version.
Spring semester of school was a total failure, literally. I failed every class. I got into a strange mental funk that I couldn't seem to get myself out of, and as a result I pretty much hibernated. I stayed at home the last 2 months or so of the semester, didn't take any finals, and yeah. As a result I basically have one last semester at OTC to get my shit together or I can no longer recieve financial aid. This should be simple enough, since I only have to raise my GPA by like .15 or some nonsense in order to get off probation.
After going through that, I felt it was time that instead of being a hermit, I needed to take action. I'm now seeing a therapist, and have been diagnosed as bi-polar, as well as depressed (still? again? I don't know). I've been taking medications and they help, but of course no medication or combination of medications is perfect. However I have seen a lot of improvement, and this summer semester is going a lot better.
The whole job/financial situation is still stuck, and I have a feeling it'll be that way for a while. I've been trying to get a job at a veterinary hospital doing anything, even just cleaning up animal poop, I just need the experience. Plus, veterinary schools require at least one letter of recommendation from a veterinarian you've worked with (some require 3, it depends on the school). This is what's most frustrating. I don't care so much about the money as I do about getting the letters. If I can't get into vet school because I don't have one letter, I may just end my life.
As far as the love life goes, I'm dating Josh...again. I won't get into this much, because I feel I don't need to explain myself to anyone. I love him, that's what matters.
Other than that, nothing too exciting has happened to me personally. My friend Jordan had a baby, and she's freaking adorable. I have a feeling she's going to be like a niece or something like that to me. Katie still seems to be going through a rough patch in her life but things do seem to be going better, and I'm trying to be there for her every step of the way. I've also seen some old friends recently, and even though we don't hang out all the time, I still think about them, and hopefully they still think about me.
I have a feeling I'll be frustrated with my position in life for a while, but all in all it really isn't that bad. Mainly what's frustrating is school, I'd like to just..go to vet school, to hell with the associate degree and bachelors degree. I may not be completely happy, but things do seem to be getting better. |
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| aweihtawoeitw |
[Jun. 8th, 2006|11:12 pm] |
NO LJ-CUT FOR YOU BECAUSE...I'M MEAN.
this was stolen, btw.
1. What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?
We usually don't have much in the fridge to eat, but it'll be either chips or a tv dinner.
2. What is your guaranteed weeping movie?
The Lion King. ;x
3. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
Nose job
4. What's one thing you like to do alone?
Singing, reading
5. Do you have a fear?
Eh, not really
6. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure?
Um, probably that I never talk
7. Are you a pyromaniac?
Not so much anymore
8. Do you have too many love interests?
Probably
9. Do you know anyone famous?
I know the bassist in Happy Endings. :p
10. Describe your bed:
Old...
11. Who would play you in a movie?
Christina Ricci? But only if she's like she was in Prozac Nation
12. What do you carry with you at all times?
Purse, which includes all necessities
13. Are you happy with your given name?
Yes
14. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year....
Um, a lot..I need the internets for many things.
15. What color is your bedroom?
Light blue with a darker blue sponge painted over it.
16. What was the last song you were listening to?
I know it was a Tech N9ne song in my car, but I don't remember which one.
17. Have you ever been in love?
Yes
18. Do you talk a lot?
Nope
19. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
For the most part, yes.
20. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
Eh, yeah
21. What is your ideal marriage location?
Don't really care, although I'd be concerned about bursting into flames if I were married in a church
22. Which musical instrument do you wish you could play?
Bagpipes
23. What smell do you find sexy?
Axe..any one of them
24. How do you eat an apple?
Bite and chew.
25. What do you order at a bar?
Well since I'm not 21 yet I haven't ordered anything for myself yet, but I usually get long island iced tea.
26. Have you ever pierced your body parts?
Yep
27. Do you have any tattoos?
Yes, 2
28. Do you drive a stick?
Yesm
29. What's one trait you hate in a person?
Too much arrogance..some is okay, but too much..no.
30. What kind of watch do you wear?
Don't wear one
31. Do you consider yourself materialistic?
Eh, yeah..but I'm not gonna like, break up with my boyfriend if he doesn't buy me shit.
32. What do you cook the best?
I make some pretty good chicken, however you want it
33. Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
Stand out
34. What's one car you will never buy?
PT Cruiser
35. What kind of books do you like to read?
Anything except romance novels..those are porn books in disguise.
36. Burial or cremation?
Burial
37. What's one thing you're a loser at?
Video games
38. Do you cry in front of your friends?
Yep.
39. What kind of first impression do you think you give to people?
Either I'm stuck up or extremely shy, since I don't really talk around people I don't know.
40. Are you a giver or a taker?
Both of course, but probably more a taker.
41. When's the last time someone made you cry?
Its been a while since someone actually made me cry, usually I just cry because I'm crazy.
42. Favorite communication method?
Instant messaging I guess
43. How many drinks before you're tipsy?
Roughly 2-4 to just get tipsy
43. First thing you did this morning?
Used the little girls room and took my medication
44. Last thing you ate?
Tv dinner
45. Is your cell phone a piece of crap?
In some ways, yes.
46. What's something you look forward to most in the next 6 months?
My freaking 21st birthday!
47. What's annoying you right now?
My computer's really loud humming
48. What's the last movie you saw in a theater?
X3
49. Do you believe in long distance relationships?
Not really..I mean if they work for other people then cool, but I couldn't do it.
50. When was the last time it rained?
Couple days ago I think
51. Is there someone you miss?
Yes
52. Who was the last person you texted?
Josh
53. If you could kill someone who would you kill?
My ex boyfriend Wes
54. Song that sums up your love life?
There's a lot, I really don't feel like putting too much thought into this question.
55. Are there a few things you wish you were better at?
I guess
56. If you could be anywhere this second, where would it be?
On the toilet
57. What's your most vivid memory from 7th grade?
Blake telling everyone we had sex when we didn't, and therefore I became a huge slut...fuckers.
58. Latest addiction?
Nothing new, just the same ole cigarettes and soda.
59. Have you ever had the urge to kill someone?
Plenty of times
60. How many people would you say you are interested in:
One
61. What do you love doing?
Learning, sleeping, sex (yes you can do sex), reading, bowling, and sometimes I even love doing homework :o
62. Do you think someone thinks about you daily?
I certainly hope so. Josh better.
63. Who was the last person you saw or talked to?
My mom
64. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Veterinarian |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 6th, 2006|02:56 pm] |
Hail Satan.
*eats a baby* |
|
|
| Help :[ |
[Apr. 26th, 2006|04:41 am] |
| [ | feelings |
| |  aggravated | ] |
I know there are at least 2 of you on my friend's list who know a bit about networking, so PLEASE HELP ME. :[
I managed to set up my little private network to where it was security enabled and only Jason and I could get onto it. Unfortunately, I couldn't find ANYWHERE on the web utility thing where I could change the default password/user id, so it remained the same. I figured it would be safe, since there are plenty of networks available around here, but oh no.
Someone (which I guess I shouldn't be surprised) has gotten into my network settings page and changed the user id and/or password. I can log onto the connection, because they changed the settings to where it isn't security enabled anymore, but the connection is shit. I tried resetting the router and all sorts of things, but so far nothing as work.
Brian, Tiffany, I'm looking your way. Please help. :[ |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2006|09:31 pm] |
The Five Love LanguagesMy primary love languages are probably
Physical Touch and Quality Time.
Complete set of results| Physical Touch: | | 8 | | Quality Time: | | 8 | | Acts of Service: | | 6 | | Words of Affirmation: | | 6 | | Receiving Gifts: | | 2 |
Information Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.
Take the quiz
LEARN THE LANGUAGE, BITCHES. :] |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2006|03:18 am] |
| [ | feelings |
| | depressed | ] |
Sigh. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 7th, 2006|02:22 am] |
| [ | feelings |
| | gloomy | ] |
| [ | sounds |
| | Origa : Rise | ] |
I think I'm falling out of touch with everything and everyone.
Especially everyone. |
|
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 2nd, 2006|02:57 pm] |
the Romantic
Test finished! |
you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR.
"I am unique"
Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.
How to Get Along with Me
- Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
- Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
- Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
- Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
- Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!
What I Like About Being a Four
- my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
- my ability to establish warm connections with people
- admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
- my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
- being unique and being seen as unique by others
- having aesthetic sensibilities
- being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me
What's Hard About Being a Four
- experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
- feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
- feeling guilty when I disappoint people
- feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
- expecting too much from myself and life
- fearing being abandoned
- obsessing over resentments
- longing for what I don't have
Fours as Children Often
- have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s
- are very sensitive
- feel that they don't fit in
- believe they are missing something that other people have
- attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
- become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
- feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)
Fours as Parents
- help their children become who they really are
- support their children's creativity and originality
- are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
- are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
- are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed
Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele
The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages
You liked the test? so please RATE it :-)
You are not completely happy with the result?!
You chose BY
Would you rather have chosen:
AY (EIGHT)
CY (SIX)
BX (NINE)
BZ (FIVE) |
 |
My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
You scored higher than 26% on ABC |
|
You scored higher than 59% on XYZ |
|
The Nice League
You are 48% Factor A, and 61% Factor B. Figure that out. |
TNL, baby woo!
In a way, you're perfect. People can come to you for a good laugh, an interesting discussion, or spare change. They probably love you, but just aren't in love with you. That's the handicap of your league.
If you want to play hard and with other leagues, you have to sex it up a little bit. Don't be afraid of rejection just because you get it so much. You can't win if you don't play.
Don't tell anyone in the other leagues this, but yours is secretly the best one. Key:
TCL = The Cute League
TNL = The Nice League
THL = The Hot League
TBL = The Beautiful League
|
 |
My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
You scored higher than 49% on Factor A |
|
You scored higher than 64% on Factor B |
|
Me and Cindo are twinkies. :o |
|
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 19th, 2006|10:52 pm] |
| [ | feelings |
| | disappointed | ] |
| [ | sounds |
| | Dido : Thank You | ] |
I don't think he even cares. |
|
|
| My new theme song. |
[Feb. 4th, 2006|02:38 am] |
| [ | sounds |
| | Nine Inch Nails : Getting Smaller | ] |
Getting a little erratic here
And I don't know who to trust
I guess they got a way of reading my mind
I guess I gotta adjust
Got my arms they flip flop flip flop flip
Got my head on a spring
Well I thought I got you on my side
I haven't got fucking anything
I'm just a face in the crowd
Nothing to worry about
Not even tryin' to stand out
I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller
And I have nothing to say
It's all been taken away
I just behave and obey
I'm afraid I am starting to fade away
Uh-huh
I cannot see through the cracks
When I'm pressed up on the wall
I'm not looking to stand up real high
I'd be happy to crawl
I think I'm losing my grip
But I can still make a fist
You know I still got my one good arm
That I can beat...
nnn, I can beat myself up with!
I'm just a face in the crowd
Nothing to worry about
Not even tryin' to stand out
I'm getting smaller
And smaller and smaller
And I have nothing to say
Its all been taken away
I just behave and obey
I'm afraid I am starting to fade away
And for what it is worth
I really used to believe
That maybe there's some great thing
That we could achieve
And now I cant tell the difference
Don't know what to feel
Between what I've been trying to hard to see
And what appears to be real
Fading away
Fading away
Fading away
Fading away
My world is getting smaller everyday-yay-yay-yay-yay
My world is getting smaller everyday-yay-yay-yay-yay
(and thats ok)
My world is getting smaller everyday-yay-yay-yay-yay
My world is getting smaller everyday-yay-yay-yay-yay
(and thats ok) |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 3rd, 2006|04:19 pm] |
After you die...
the Beetlejuice Waiting Room
After death, you will end up in an overcrowded waiting room sitting beside Beetlejuice. You've been given the number 736 076 827 378 919 023, but they are currently serving number 3. Good Luck.
|
|
Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com
|
haha. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 29th, 2006|04:02 pm] |
GENERAL 411:
Full Name: Summer Dawn Wilson
Nicknames: Mer, Satan, random nicknames Josh has for me.
Age: 20
Sex: Female.
Single Or Taken: Singleeeeee
Grade: Um. After this semester is over, sophomore in college.
Current Location: Springfield, MO
Date of Birth: August 13, 1985.
Astrological Sign: Leo!
Place of Birth: Springfield, MO
Where Do You Live: ...again, Springfield, MO
Who do you live with: Jason
Parents names: Bonnie and Mike
What Elementary School Did You Go To: Westport and Portland
What middle school did you go to: Jarrett Middle School
What High School Did You Go To: Parkview..
SKIN DEEP:
Ethnicity: Mostly German, various other western european ethnicities.
Eye Color: Hazel
Hair Color: Brownish..
Height: 5'3"
Glasses Or Contacts: Neither
Piercings (if none, would you?): Ears, left nipple, navel, vertical hood
Tattoos (if none, would you?): 2
Shoe Size: 8 or 8 1/2
LAST...:
Thing You've Eaten: Frosty from Wendys
Person That's Called You: This random person that calls me anonymously all the time and talks about gay sex. It's creepy.
Person You've IM-ed: Dennis
Person You've Emailed: Uh, probably Josh?
Movie You Saw In the Theater, and With Who: I think Chronicles of Narnia with Josh.
Movie You Rented: I dunno, one of Jason's random gay movies.
TV Show You've Watched: Full Metal Alchemist
Thing You Did With You're Friends: Eh
Thing You Wrote: Trig homework
Thing You've Bought: Josh's food and my frosty
Time You Laughed: Probably last night
Time You Fell: I fell last night at Josh's. I fall a lot.
Time You Swam: Uh, a long time ago.
Time You Showered: Friday
Place You Slept Over At: My parents
Time You've Seen Snow: It's been a few weeks
Time You've Seen Hail: Uh, few weeks
Song You've Listened To: Twiztid - Story of Our Lives
Song You've Had Stuck In Your Head: Judas Priest - Breaking the Law, I think
Song You've Downloaded: Don't remember
CD You've Wanted But Haven't Bought: Fall Out Boy
Time You've Fought With Someone: Couple days ago?
Person You've Kissed: Josh
OPPOSITE SEX:
What Do You Notice First: Hands, smile, shoes
Turn Ons: Everything
Turn Offs: Body odor
Ideal Eye Color: Blue
Ideal Hair Color: Brown, Dark brown, black.
Ideal Height: 6ft+
Ideal Hobbies For Them To Have: I like nerds...video games, stuff like that
Ideal Sports For Them To Play: Eh
Ideal Personality Traits: This involves too much thought.
HAVE YOU EVER...?:
Fallen In Love: Yes.
Gone on A Date: Yes.
Made Out With Someone: Yep.
Gotten Drunk: Yes.
Wanted Someone You Couldn't Have: Yes.
Wished on A Shooting Star: Yes
Taken A Vow Of Silence: haha, no.
Cheated On A Test: Test, no..quiz, yes.
Cried After Watching A Commercial: Commercial? Unlikely.
Purposely Set Something On Fire: Yes.
Had Your Heart Broken: Yes.
Broke Someone Else's Heart: Probably
Had A Job: Yes
Cooked A Full Meal For Guests: Yes
Laughed, And Couldn't Stop: Yes.
Pulled An All-Nighter: Yes.
Watched The Sunrise: Yes
Watched The Sunset: Yes
Been To An Exotic Place: Uh, the most exotic place I've been is like..Florida.
Been Swept Away By A Current: Yes.
Made The Wrong Decision On Purpose: Yes
Stolen Something: Yeah.
Broken Something Out Of Anger Or Sadness: Yes.
Hurt Yourself Out Of Anger Or Sadness: Yes.
Pinched Yourself To See If You Were Dreaming: Yes
Cussed Someone Out: Yeah.
Bungee-Jumped: No
Broke the Law: Yes.
Made Yourself Throw Up: No
Kept A Secret From Everyone: Yes
Had an Imaginary Friend: No
Had a Crush on A Teacher: Kind of
Pictured Your Crush Naked: Yes
Fallen For Your Best Friend: Eh, yeah.
Been Rejected: Yes
Rejected Someone: Yeah.
Used Someone: Yeah.
Been Cheated On: Yes
Regretted Doing Something: Yep.
Regretted Not Doing Something: Yep.
DO...:
You Have a BF or GF: No
You Have a Crush on Someone: If you could call it a crush, yes
You Wish You Could Live Somewhere Else: Yes.
You Think About Suicide: Not recently.
You Believe in Online Dating: I went through a phase, but for the most part I think it's kind of silly. Unless you're Liz and Tim. :p
Others Find You Attractive: Probably not
You Drink: Occasionally
You Do Drugs: Randomly
You Smoke: Trying to quit..
You Like House-Cleaning: Sometimes
You Like Roller Coasters: Yep.
You Wait Online All Day For One Person: Not really
Save AIM/MSN Conversations: Sometimes
Wish You Were A Member Of The Opposite Sex: Kind of
Ever Cry Because of What Someone Said: Yep.
You Color Your Hair: I haven't colored it in a while, I'm trying to let my natural hair come out
Habla Espanol: Not really
Parlez Francais: No
Sprechen sie Deutsch: Ja..well, a little.
WHAT / WHERE / WHO:
Kind of Shampoo Do You Use: Garnier Fruitis.
Kind of Soap Do You Use: Dial
Are You Most Scared of: Death and rape
Car Would You Like to Have: Lots of them
Do You Want To Get Married: Yep.
Do You Want To Live: Germany, Australia, not in this city.
Do You Want To Have Your Honeymoon: Shrug
Makes You Laugh the Most: Lots of things
Makes You Smile: Lots of things
Gives You A Funny (good or bad) Feeling When You See Them: People I see that I went to high school with and I didn't get along with. Gr.
Easiest to Talk to: Katie and Josh |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 29th, 2006|04:01 pm] |
| [ | feelings |
| |  silly | ] |
We the most serious thing on the market since date rape. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 11th, 2006|10:51 pm] |
| [ | feelings |
| |  confused | ] |
I really don't understand why I do this to myself and to other people. When I get into an argument with somebody, I will argue to the death that I am right, or at least try to get them to see my point of view. When I start to argue, I haven't fully throught everything through, I just react. Later, after the argument, I look back and realize either I've been a total moron, or maybe that person is a moron. It seems to be the first one more often, but I don't want to put myself down too far. The point is, I can admit when I'm wrong. I may not do it while arguing, but afterwards I'll be like, hey, I'm sorry, I overreacted, I'm a crazy bitch, whatever. But by then, the damage has been done. And it seems like such a simple process to change. Just think things through before I start yelling. But this has been tormenting me for years. Maybe I should see a therapist. I don't like just reacting instantly like this, I don't like arguing and pissing people off because I can't get my head out of my ass. I'm a logical person and I know this, but just...gr. It all really seems so simple to change. It seems to simple to control my emotions (which compared to like...3 years ago, wow, I've come a long way). But I do still lose my head from time to time, and more often than I'd like to. And god dammit it seems so simple to just end it and be a rational person but I don't get it. I just don't.
And I haven't come to any conclusions yet, just a few theories, as to why I'm so bitchy and bitter towards Josh. It's not because he dumped me, I've been dumped before. Being dumped isn't all that big of a deal to me really, especially once I've thought out the reasons behind and realize that maybe he's right. I don't resent him for breaking up with me. However I think I do resent him because I can't have him (we all know that whole thing, even if you haven't necessarily experienced it yourself). It drives me crazy that I can't have him, and so I just take it out on him. I also think I may resent him because in some respects I've become dependent on him. I don't know for what exactly, though. I don't need him to be happy, I don't need him for financial reasons, I don't need him to move myself up the ladder or anything like that. I really don't know why. This is why these theories remain just theories, and not actual solutions. I decided to give myself a little break from Josh, and for how long, who knows. I need some time to get things straight. Of course the biology of my body isn't helping out AT ALL. I was on birth control for like 7 years and had maybe 2 natural periods before I started. So I decided to give my body a break, and now my hormones have completely freaked out and don't know what to do. But even then, my behavior wasn't all that different, it's just more extreme now. And I hate it. I don't hate myself, but god dammit sometimes I just want to hit myself. Ha.
Maybe I need drugs. Meh.
ao;wiehtoiaweht;oawetjwae |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 10th, 2006|03:34 am] |
| [ | feelings |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | sounds |
| | Korn : Twist | ] |
Many people do not understand why I go through so much effort to make this man see what I see, feel what I feel, think what I think. I don't want this man to think it makes perfect sense, I don't want this man to completely understand. I merely just want him to see the possibility. To see that there is in fact a method to my madness, however illogical it may be. But unfortunately this man is cursed. While logic and reasoning is in fact a major part of the thinking process, I believe there is much more to that. And while reacting soley on the basis of human emotion isn't the answer, I believe a combination of some sort is. The heart leads us, the mind gets us there. And while the mind may not agree with the heart's original destination, at some point we find that the destination was in fact the right one, however painful it may be. Or maybe it's I who has been cursed with the inability to think using logic alone, and the heart has absolutely nothing to do with our decisions at all. Maybe I'm totally wrong. No one has the ultimate answer, but everyone seems to have a possible solution. This is simply mine. Of course I have my doubts. But in the end, I feel most comforted using my heart and my mind. But trying to show that to others and make them see will probably be something that will remain uncompleted by the time I die. And however frustrating the journey may be, I still have to try. I still have to have hope. Because I feel if this man can in fact see what I see, feel what I feel, think what I think, even if only for a split second, this man will see that my behavior is acceptable. That I'm not entirely irrational afterall. That I'm not as childish as he thinks I am. It really doesn't seem like too much to ask. I can see what he sees, feel what he feels, thinks what he thinks. And while I may totally disagree with it, and not fully understand it, I can see the logic behind it, however many arguments I may put up against it claiming that it doesn't make sense. Maybe using logic alone has a crippling effect on our ability to see what others see...to truly see them as that person sees them. Instead of trying to understand what we don't know, we get frustrated, we may even unintentionally hurt others. Or maybe my heart clouds my being able to see the effort behind their trying, when in fact they've done everything they can to see what others see.
In the end, it's all a bunch of fucking unimportant bullshit. All of it. None of it matters. All the fights, the arguments, the silly little spats, however insignificant or major they may be, it doesn't fucking matter. Because at the end of the day, regardless of what thinking methods you use, you still have yourself. And if you truly love someone, regardless of how frustrating they may be and what thinking methods they may use, you still love them. And you can see what they see. Whether love is of the heart or of the mind, I honestly don't know. But wherever you think it comes from, you should use it. |
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the_frail_'s journal
