So found out just yesterday second kid'll be a boy. They do a fancy test for older women when they're pregnant to look for downs syndrome and such, a side benefit I didn't know about is at that point they can tell gender from the DNA. April was pissed, she'd been counting on a little sister. Think she's still in a bit of denial and thinks we'll have a 3rd kid, but 2 is enough for anybody. I was pulling for a girl for a couple reasons. One, they could have shared stuff, now from here on out aside from gender neutral stuff, they each have their own clothes, toys, etc, etc. Two, April's been so great, I figured another girl was a safe bet. And lastly, even though I know the chances are low, I keep worrying the boy'll turn out like my brother. He got married recently, and I think he's finally (at going on 31) reaching a level of semi-maturity I achieved at, geez. 19? 20? So he eventually turned out ok, but before that, everybody just about disowned him.
I've got a black sheep uncle who WAS disowned by everyone, including his folks who brother, aside from drugs and whoring seemed to be copying till only a couple years ago. He made up for it in booze though. But even before all that, there was a twisted saga of Black Sheep and Golden Child, of Suck It Up Buttercup and Oh He Has ADD He Can't Help Himself! This is a real dynamic (Black Sheep and Goldenchild, the other one was just me elucidating), which you can google and find info on real quick. That won't be happening in my household no matter what, but I still worry. My parenting style doesn't bear much resemblance to my folks, and the boy will have a big sister and a big shot of Asian in him, so it's doubtful, but it's just one of those things.
The other thing I worry about is, having been a boy (before the operation, that's a joke son, I say, I say, that's a joke), I remember all the macho he-man alpha male dominance bullshit that'll get you arrested as an adult. I hope to impart something on him that my parents definitely never did, that it's ok to having feelings and a fucking brain, because that's what normal people do, and whole rah rah military thing is not a one size fits all approach. Anyways, that aside, feeling good about it all, but two kids is definitely enough, and at least I won't have to wonder. And the fact that it's a boy means he'll play games with me for sure. Never met a guy born after 81 who wouldn't play games, so Lex can stop using the "Oh, it's 3d, the camera angles are going to make me ralph" excuses
First kid is awesome, second kid on the way. Hoping for another girl, people say boys are easier but I think that's probably horse shit. Love my wife, we're in a good place, been meaning to write for her for awhile but I keep getting sidetracked. Married 11 years now. Holding steady at 200 lbs and I have my hair. We're both still employed. For the most part I know what became of all the mooks I used to know when I was younger. Shallow phonies then and still phony now. In the immortal words of Emilio Estevez, wouldn't trade a bucket of piss for their futures. You never really dump the baggage, you just kick it in the corner and maybe laugh at it a little bit to make yourself feel better. I bet Bill Gates is still bitter as hell.
Life is getting ready to change again, and for the better.
I don't claim this to be the greatest video ever, it's pretty repetitive, but I think if you were to open up my head and take a peak it would look something like this. Also going to introduce you to Synthwave, which is all nostalgia and decent if you can find the right band/song.
Do I come on livejournal to play a character or break character? I brood alot, only thing you can do on the long drive I make daily is sing along or brood, but the quality of it has changed recently. I feel like I'm ready to make some positive changes.
I'm doing better since my last post, it's ugly but I guess I'm feeling a little superior. I had mountains of respect and love for the person I followed up on you know and with just one act of emotional chicken-shittery, she reduced herself to just some redneck in Idaho.
"There's someone else, I knew them from before, and I just don't think this distance thing is going to work. Sorry, hope you find someone, don't wait up."
That took me about 10 seconds to write. I mean, I just composed it on the fly. If she had just said that, it would saved alot of time and alot of angst and alot of my personal dignity. Not to mention $800. That was a shit ton of money by the way at 20, and would remain a shit ton till my late 20's.
The kind of person who can't even bother to do that much, to clearly express their own disinterest in me is...what? Stupid? Immature? Cruel? Thoughtless? Selfish? Cowardly? Completely tone deaf with guys? At least one of those.
But whichever one or combination of the above it might be, I do know something it is for sure. Common and pedestrian, and just like that, that's what she became. After everything I wrote, you might think that's hate, but it's not, not even close. It's disappointment. I guess it would be like meeting your favorite celebrity and finding out that not only are they human, but just a cliche jackass.
All those feelings are just, gone, and it's very bittersweet. The hurts gone, but so is the poetry, and I feel cheated all over again for that. But I'm very much moving on now. It doesn't always come out when I write, but I feel good. I feel like I can reach a bit more of my potential, because nothing kills potential like lack of confidence. It builds a tough shell, but people making you doubt, telling you your shit, doesn't make for a healthy ego. You might build some after considering the source, but it takes awhile.
And you know, I wasn't always strong, smart, patient, brave or dignified. I didn't always say or do or think pure things or live up to my own principals, but when I didn't, I regretted, deeply, which is more than I can say for most I've met. Keeping in mind I never had any encouragement from someone who didn't wind up breaking my trust or pushing me off a cliff because they thought they could get away with it or it gave them their jollies or maybe I just have one of those kinds of faces. Who the hell knows or cares.
But I was never allowed to express my feelings, or act out, or show vulnerability, so it's small wonder I had as much trouble dealing with people and it's a Christmas goddamn miracle that I turned out to be as decent as I am. And I am. I have a house, car, money, job where I more or less get Christmas week off. I've been married for 10 years, and it's going strong. I have a smart, funny daughter that I encourage and hope to raise to be a better person than I am, because raising better than the other assholes I met is no great trick and I'm not going to set the hurdle that low.
Because there's some things I never did. I never cheated, I never lied, I never kept someone hanging on, I never took advantage of other people, and I never laid into someone who wasn't begging for it. The people I knew did. You might think I'm talking myself up to feel better about my life but I'm just letting the truth shine. Finally.
So this post actually has nothing to do with the election, it's just an interesting coincidence that my personal revelations happened to come this week. I've had alot of therapy recently. Not therapy as in, I pay someone and they listen to me talk about my problems. I always thought it was kind of like prostitution without the sex. Nope, just therapy as in confirmation, and despite what the talking heads say, that's really important.
I can't help the way I'm wired, I really can't. All the philosophy in the world can't erase those little nagging musings in the back of my mind. That speeding ticket back in 2009, what could I have done with that money? That gift card my brother misplaced. That dumbo kid that socked me one in 3rd grade because his parents beat him too hard, or not hard enough. And hey, did he ever wind up in a car wash like I thought? I'll bet he did. But wouldn't it be great to know for sure, compare my objectively better life to his, and then go on my merry way with that extra bit of confidence? You bet it would.
People who talk about moving on or past is past or some other bullshit like that just never understood there's just some things you've got to see and know for yourself. Accepting your circumstances isn't about philosophy, it's about changing those circumstances so that they're acceptable to you. I want my quarter for that little bit of zen wisdom, but I'm going off on a tangent here.
So, last month and just today I finally caught up on two people who I used to wonder about. Not enough to spend more than ten minutes a year actually seeking them out, least that's what I told myself, but just one of those maddening itches you feel when you're stuck in traffic, or trying to drop back off to sleep, etc. etc. Well, some of it was a matter of waiting for Facebook to catch up, but alot of it seems to be personal apathy/having my head up my ass on my end. I could have found one of them last year, and the other has been out for years, but I didn't. I guess I was trying to convince myself I didn't care, but I finally accepted it's ok to do things I know are "wrong" if that's what I seem to need. Why not, everyone else does right.
I let the both of them jack me up emotionally when I was younger. They say you imprint on people and things, not just when you're born, but in your teens/early twenties, that's why those memories are so much more intense. I don't know if that's true, but I can truthfully say these two had an outsized influence on me all these years that they definitely shouldn't have, but I gave up on trying to fix my own bad wiring and in some ways I'm better for that. There's no pill one can take, and even if there was, I doubt I would, and philosophy and relative success in the present only goes so far. I could have won the lotto and had a group orgy every night and I would have been just as bugged. But the knowing, that's done something for me I really didn't expect.
Just the knowing that I was right, that they both wound up about where I thought they would validates me for some reason. And no, they're not slaving away in car washes, not that I thought they would be. They're both doing ok, at least, for now, and I hope they continue to. I think both their significant others will be getting a surprise down the road if they haven't already, but I really don't wish them anything negative, except maybe to live in that crazy waiting room that lies between regret and not knowing like I did for awhile. That, I think, would even things up, and one of the things I hope to impress on my daughter is to never do that kind of shit to another human being, ever.
But I don't have the need to contact them further, and that's a relief. I've been so over them both for awhile now, I was just lacking that maddening little confirmation that my subconscious seemed to need, and now I have it, and just...wow.
I didn't know what it would do for me. Probably nothing I thought. Just a little extra confidence maybe, one less thing to wonder. But I feel GREAT. I feel like I can finally lay that load of bricks down. Pop psychiatry tells you you can do that anytime you want, but that's bullshit. You don't put it down any time you want, and you don't put it down when you're tired. You put it down when you find the right place.
I know this kind of mickey mouse highschool bullshit shouldn't have held me back, but now that it's done, I can feel how much it was. Nothing I could see, nothing obvious but yeah...at 35, I felt like my life was done already. I felt exhausted. I felt like I had early onset Alzheimers, must have as long as I was in a fog. Locked in to where I was, getting older, doing the 9 to 5, no prospects for reaching that emotional peak I've been looking for since I was 15 frickin' years old, and I just feel energized. I feel good about my life. I feel like I've got some pep to do something even better with it now. I've been limping along on a plateau for the last few years, and I feel like I can start climbing again.
So April will be 3 in August, still hard to cope but she's easier than she was. I know other parents just kind of ignore the kid and do their own thing, if you want to hear this in action, just play a game online, you'll hear some poor toddler plaintively crying for attention over yonder manchild's headset. I can't do that though, so yeah, I exhaust myself, but when I'm awake enough to appreciate her, I'm glad I had April. Not personally, I didn't squeeze her out or anything, but I helped.
Hard to describe her as a person yet, she's very strong willed, and very good at making excuses (she can't help in the yard because, quote unquote, her butt hurts, she told me). She dances, she imitates what she sees on TV, she keeps with her Chinese. English is her primary now and I'm always surprised at what she can say and the thoughts she expresses, but I really don't have any other almost 3 year olds to compare to, so I don't know. She sounds like a little Norwegian with her accent. I'ma donea. I'ma cleanah. I lika greenah foodah.
She watches her kids stuff but she asks about stuff I watch when she's curious, I tell her, and usually she retains it, so she's already got a pretty impressive stock of 80's pop culture references. I don't know what kids today watch? Justin Bieber? I'm not about to put that turd on to find out if she'd like him or not. She can do a pretty accurate imitation of the Tall Man from Phantasm (BOOOOYYYY).
I don't teach her this stuff, she just picks it up from what I watch. I can't really force her, she'll totally ignore Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, then watch Ferris Bueller all the way through like it was the most interesting thing in the world. She doesn't like cartoons for the most part. She sings, she draws. Won't say anything to anyone she doesn't know even if they give her a cookie, that's good and bad. She's either going to grow up to be the coolest or the uncoolest kid ever. Nothing in between, nothing!
So been what, another year and a half since my last entry? Glad to see people still check in here once in awhile. I'm going to do a separate post on April (my daughter, not the month) and Lexian because they merit it. So, a few things, not in order or importance. You may think otherwise from a few of the things I'll write about, but it's mostly upbeat. I do want to write about a fight Lex and I had because it's important to me, that'll be next, and alot of the stuff in this post ties into that. Everything is related to everything, so bear with me.
Turned 35 last month, guess it'll be awhile before the shock sets in. This finally became topical for me:
Going back and reading my old posts when I was a 20 year old with no filter, and more, realization that the people I knew back then are also my age or older, it's hard to process. Hell, even the ones younger than me have hit 30 by now, but in my mind everyone's still the same. Here I am, on the young side of middle age with a kid and a house and the two cars and all that, and mentally I still feel the same. I don't say every little thing that pops into my head anymore, but really, that's about the only difference.
So, "lost" my job, that is to say, it got offshored and I didn't make more than a token effort to find something else in the company. They became an AOL/Verizon/Inotech, started treating everyone like shit (more on that in a minute), and I could see the writing on the wall at least a year ahead of time. It went from a decent place to work to a grim, humorless parody of corporate mismanagement, one of Dante's circles of hell where people who want to have some kind of work/life balance go when they die maybe. I only did three or four unenthusiastic internal interviews, it was like a hazing, exactly like something Mike Judge would write, and believe me, the people who actually cared got it worse. I took my severance, found something else before I could even qualify for unemployment, and in a much better place. The drive sucks, the pays about the same, the environment, culture and work? Infinitely better.
It got bad. When everybody, and I mean everybody complains at work and management doesn't even bother to pretend they care about your opinion anymore, yeah, it's time to go. People were getting diabetes, hypertension, various stress related diseases. Two senior engineers dropped stone dead of heart attacks. Me? I picked up a variety of health problems while there, the level I can normally handle is a moderately stressful job and Lexian's bullshit, then throw what they did and the kid into the mix, it's no wonder I got sick. But long story short, the last, oh, 9 months or so, been struggling with LPR. Never mind all the other symptoms, you want to sleep. All the time. And when you're not asleep, you may as well be for how well you function. I finally managed to diagnose myself because the doctors sure as hell couldn't, changed the way I eat again, so down to 200 lbs again, with the goal of getting down to 180-175. This last weekend I actually managed to stay awake through most of it, and fact I'm writing this should tell you how I'm doing.
Family is finally getting it together. My mother made a bad financial decision, and I loaned her 5 grand to help, and what a difference that makes in how someone talks to you. Also, April finally will give her the time of day. Supposedly she'll start paying me back next month, but the nice thing is I don't even need the money. Brother fell in with an older woman who's keeping him honest, so even though professionally and developmentally he's where he should have been at least 5 years ago, he's working and in a relationship, so that's as good as I could have hoped.
Mortgage is getting paid off, I'm thinking of putting down another 10 or 15 grand on it next month. I could pay the whole thing off tomorrow but I want to stay a little liquid as I'm still a temp at this job. Pretty sure they'll pick me up, but you never know. So yeah, now that I'm getting over the LPR a bit, things are good, how's things with you guys?
I'm finding fatherhood suits me alot better than I thought. I always tell people, marriage is likely willingly going to prison with someone, and having a kid is like giving up your yard time, but they have their upsides, and that need to be involved and protect comes pretty easily, it mystifies me how parents can have the kid and then detach. Not much to tell yet as she's just become a toddler, she's quiet and serious and well behaved like her folks, she's big into eating and flipping pages in books and pointing, but she doesn't care for being read to.
I had more trouble with Lexian up until about 3 months after April was born, some of that might have been hormones. I finally went ahead and split the finances, which was a big fight at the time but has pretty much closed the book on every finance fight going forward, which is what most of ours usually came to, things have been good for 8 months now and we still go out on our dates on the weekends so hopefully they'll continue that way.
Work sucks, they're doing this new initiative straight out of Office Space, but I'm making more each year and not in any kind of jeopardy, Lexian works for the same company and she gets her raise too. House is already half paid off two years later, so I'm in good shape.
My mother and brother are both still living their twisted lives, but they're up in Jacksonville so there's not too much damage they can do from there. I find I like the musical stylings of WASP, and I'll share my theory on how they indirectly caused the 2nd Iraq War if enough people chime in. Trying to grow my hair out one more time while I can, I've gotten a little farther with it and I've actually got a plan so we'll see if I can't manage Adrian Paul instead of Joe Dirt.
Wow, already been 2 years since my last update. Times flies when you don't have it to breathe.
So, I'm in Florida now, bought a house since Virginia was too pricy for me and the wages weren't there. It's not huge, I had to turn one like that down because it was too far from work, but decent for a starter home and I don't owe more than 80K on it. Got a new job, although it's not my dream job, I don't think being a porn tester would pay nearly as well, I'm finally making a little more than I would have at Verizon, only without the insane pressure. They're a fortune 500, and although they need to get it together, they treat me as an employee decent, and that's all I asked for ever anyway. Lexian also managed to land a decent paying job there too, so we actually work about 3 minutes walk from each other.
We're expecting a daughter next month, April Xinye. Would have liked to use Lexian's last name, not as guttural as mine, but my family wouldn't have been able to handle that. Besides, April X is a cool sounding name, hard to make fun of in highschool. As for the rest of my family, don't ask. At least we're on speaking terms, but that very nearly didn't happen, which is a long and interesting post on it's own.
I'll probably do another update once baby is born. Just paying down the house, trying to lose weight, and writing when I can, hope you're all well
Well I'll be damned, people still use Livejournal. I didn't update last year, but believe me, you didn't miss much. Last two years was like one of those Jean Claude Van Damme training sequences, it's best if you just pretend that him getting his legs pulled apart like chicken drumsticks happened over the course of a 3 minute 80's synth montage instead of years. So here's the 3 minute version: I left my crappy job for a less crappy job, but I'm leaving again in a month because we're getting out of here for something with an east coast view. We'll check out Florida, but if that doesn't work out, we'll be going back to Virginia. I did my time in Colorado, saved enough money to hire a really good contract killer, or about a half dozen mediocre ones. I don't know, what does a contract killing go for in a depressed economy? Or I suppose I could put that money towards a house, but nobody'll option a screenplay about THAT.
Lexian and I are doing really good. My memory is hazy when we got back from China last, could have sworn it was Spring or Summer of 2009, so I guess we were still doing pretty bad back then based on the last update. But for the last year and a half at least, things have been different, I even hesitate to say, how I wanted this marriage to be in the first place. She's honest with me now about what she wants and what pisses her off instead of playing that old favorite game "Hey stupid, guess why I'm angry with you today, and it's worth double points if you can actually drag it outta me once you guess". And on my side I'm not subconsciously or consciously looking for every escape hatch I can find. She's in China again, I couldn't make it this time, and she's coming back in about 2 weeks. I think it's a sign of how far we've come that we're counting down the days instead of wishing for more. Things are really good, and I think they're going to continue on this way.
I had 2 health scares that turned out to be nothing after all, but they lent us both some perspective. My family's doing good, they're about as sane and stable as they're ever going to get. Yeah, I know, that's me, just spreading vanilla flavored balance and calm where ever I go.
So, Lexian's coming back in 2 weeks, then I'm going to put in notice, and we're going to leave for a state that has 4 seasons, or if not, 3 warm ones.
So many friends entries, so many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out of patients' bodies. If you only knew how tired I am every single day, marriage is truly something you do when you're tired of having free time.
Still in Colorado. I'm moving up the street, tired of the asshole management at my complex, I'll do just fine with cheaper rent, more space, and a better location, thanks. My family has finally pulled themselves together, maybe. My mother definitely, my brother, hard to say. I've been there for him to the point where its personally embarassing.
I'm still at the same job. No promotions, no raises, no nothing. Although I do work from home half the week, so I'm comfortably numb to the whole thing.
I finished my first short story since high school...and come to think of it, all my short stories have always been assignments. Really its a novella, I suppose. It's 75 pages. The easiest way to describe it is, its like Somewhere In Time, only with vampires and gore and alot of other trippy stuff. Was proud to finish SOMETHING. Still haven't decided if I want to try and get it published, I'll know once I have one or two others finished, I don't want to just send one thing in and get shot down. I'd post it, but honestly, I'm afraid someone would steal it. Terrible, and terribly unlikely I know, but that would be the ultimate kick in the ass...slaving away for months on my little piece of mediocre glory and then someone pawning it off because I didn't bother to try to publish it first under my name.
Lexian...well, if you recall last entry, I didn't have much nice to say. I still don't. This is how its been: She starts a fight over some really petty bullshit, shuns me, and if she doesn't eventually apologize or really pisses me off, I threaten divorce. She cries and begs, and I don't think even really understands that she was wrong in the first place, but for some reason divorce terrifies her when just before being angry at me and my substandardness seemed to be her favorite thing in the world. I don't get it, I never did, and I never will, and I haven't even tried. So I forgive her because I'm a softy, and she tells me she won't treat me forgetting to buy milk like I fucked her cousin, and I resolve that I won't forget the milk again, not because I feel the least bit guilty but just because I don't want to give her an excuse to do this again, and we're good for a month or two and then it happens again.
And, me being me, all along I said, well, maybe her working full time will stop this stuff. Nope. Well, maybe me taking on more of the domestic stuff will stop it. No. Well, maybe going back with her to China for a month to visit her parents, who she never tells shit to about us, will stop it. Definitely no. So, I brought it all out in front of her parents, and it was news to them of course. So, now she's trying her hardest, and I'm trying my hardest, but there's very much a pattern and I can't see her breaking it.
So I don't know. I'm still together with her, and I try much harder than I did last year, and I suppose she does, but one good shitty blowup is all it takes. You know, the kind where there's no he said, she said, everyone just shakes their heads and says "whats a shitty thing to say/do", because its not even debatable. Those are the times that I threaten divorce.
So, really, not much has changed in a year. I'm trying to keep writing and such, but there's always something else
Honestly, I forget if I stopped writing here because I didn't have anything to say, couldn't get any privacy, or because I couldn't find the time and energy. I don't have the first two stopping me anymore, but the third one's a problem, this is the first time I've had a chance to write in days.
I guess I'll just jump right in.
I live in Colorado now, not so far from Denver. I came out here because the job market in Virginia was crap, especially for Lexian but for myself as well and I felt like I had reached the ceiling there, I came out because my family lives about forty minutes from me now instead of a 6 hour + plus flight, and they needed, and still very much need my help. As far as I know, I'm the most functional one out of the three of us and was able to deal with my father dying better. And they've definitely helped out and helped Lexian.
I work for an airline now, you can probably guess which one if you researched a little or know Colorado, still in computers but making close to what I would have made at the other job in Virginia, the one that was paying the most I was ever going to make out there. Once I get a promotion, hopefully next month I'll be even closer. And there's the added benefit that, unlike that other company that shall remain nameless, the one I'm at it now doesn't think it owns me and won't drive me to drink.
I don't write poetry anymore, and I don't write politics nearly as much except when someone is being exceptionally stupid in DC (and I mean EXCEPTIONALLY in uppercase). I've been very drained and tired for the last...year? Thereabouts, except for when I was getting ready to move out here, which was over a year ago. One thing I do now is write fiction, which is something I wanted to do all along when I was in highschool, I just couldn't plot worth a damn. It's funny, I don't have the slightest urge to write poetry anymore, but instead plotting and the urge to write fiction finally dawned on me instead. So, I don't have anything finished, but a few things that are exactly half finished. Writing fiction is like playing a video game, some days I want to play the same one all day, other days I spend 5 minutes on several, other days I don't want to even look at it.
Things between me and my family are somewhat better. Somewhat. THEY have a ways to go, and as I was saying before, since I'm the functional one, I have to carry my brother, who I do love very much, but who is never going to amount to anything if he doesn't pull himself together, and I don't know how much more carrying I can do. My mother has retreated into that place inside she always used to when Dad was alive and she had a six figure job. We still only talk once every two weeks, if that, but I see my brother every other weekend or so.
Lexian and I...well, let me give you this background first. Ever since I've moved out here, slightly more than a year ago, I have been working nonstop. Every day, it was either work or look for work. And on the weekends, any number of errands and chores, dealing with fucking immigration...for a whole year straight we've been dealing with immigration and their bullshit, dealing with moving, dealing with getting secured, dealing with my family, and only this past Thursday did Lexian finally get approved for her greencard, which is why I have the time to write to you now.
Now I can actually look forward to my weekend, knowing I might actually get to enjoy it. And I know that I don't have to spend every single evening right after work running down insurance and dealing with the bank and chasing rebates and God knows what else. And through that all, I'll be honest with you. Lexian lost her temper with me more than once over something trivial and stupid, and it always came to the same thing, her not being able to work and this immigration bullshit. Sunday night, just a few hours before I had to go to bed to be ready for work was her favorite time to start shit. I don't know why, exactly, she became like this, all I know is that it started happening after we moved here and she was most definitely not like that before.
I'm not going to say I'm a guiltless angel, because I'm not perfect, and I blew up at her once or twice, and more so, probably deserved being blown up at a few times. But that doesn't change the fact that, for example, when someone mentions that we'll have to remember my mother's birthday and do something for her this year, I often want to add "Maybe I would have remembered it last year if Lexian hadn't chosen that day to blow up again." Or why I have to go shopping for more plates because she broke them when she was pissed. Or when we talk about or pass by any number of things all they do is remind me of fights. You could usually tell when she knew she was in the wrong when she'd ask me again and again "You didn't tell your family about our fight right?" My patience rapidly shriveled to nothing for these fights, I don't know why...maybe it was the fact that she couldn't seem to go a week without getting pissed at me. I don't know, maybe it was the air or something here that made her suddenly decide she couldn't be like one of those grumpy cartoon wives tapping a rolling pin at their meek, deadbeat husband, and if any of you know me, you know that's not me.
So, no, it hasn't been heaven, I've been very close to divorcing her at least twice. I haven't because love is something that has alot of tolerance and patience for nastiness and stupidity. I don't feel the need to say anything more about that because the fact that I am still married to her should tell you how I feel about her, and I hope that part of my life is behind me forever.
As for Myspace and Livejournal, Myspace was something I could post some impersonal fluff to once a month or so, I had some friends on it, but I realize there are certain things, like what I just wrote above, that I only feel comfortable writing here. And yes, I did miss you all, and yes, I did get your nudges, but I just either didn't feel like writing or couldn't with all this crap going on.
I don't expect to be posting as much as I was, but I think I will every few days.
Well, I'm back on livejournal. I've been off for more than a year now, I'm glad to see it still looks mostly the same even though it's now run by the Russian mob. Alot of things have changed and nothing at all has changed, but I no longer feel the need to post on Myspace, you don't have the semi anonymity of here and you personally know your friends to begin with, writing there like I do here is like posting a bulletin to all my friends and relations every few days letting them know how emotionaly unstable and pretentious I can be. I still have my honesty fetish, but I realize that doesn't mean I have to televise my every thought. Here, people can read me, or they don't have to, I don't really care, which is the feeling I need, and once in awhile I need to write something personal without drawing everyone a diagram to my life.
So, I'll try to remember to post here instead whenever I have the urge, I still don't feel the need to write as much as I used to, but maybe that'll come back. One thing that's changed (or hasn't) is that Lexian has my nuts in a vice, which is different than being whipped, but almost just as fun, so I'll have to cut this short for tonight unfortunately. But I will be catching up with everyone if I can.
There's alot I'd like to write about, about whats been going on, and politics, but today I'm just asking for you to help out my brother. He wrote this short story, and he asked me to post it anywhere where somebody might read it, so, here it is. It's very short, as he had a character limit he had to work with. I'd like you to read it and comment with a criticism or opinion. Be as positive or brutal as you wish, just don't write something short and trite, like "It's good!" or "Needs more gore!", it would be appreciated. He just wants feedback, positive and negative, so he can improve, he only asks that you keep in mind the character limit.
“Get the shutters!” John barked over the ensuing chaos, his shrilling voice a tiny squeal compared to all of the living dead shuffling in from outside. Rob was busy fending them off at the side doors, which were barely holding, to listen to what John had ordered. His attention was fixed on bashing a dozen rotten arms clawing at him through the shattered glass with a tire iron. Eddie, who was the most frail and sickly of the three men, overheard and ran to the back of the store to get the generator working again. John produced a sleeked, black handgun from his right pocket. It was already cocked and loaded; all John had to do now was aim. He had never liked using guns, as they felt like bizarre and alien tools in his hands. Then again, he thought, he never would’ve anticipated this kind of situation. With a shaky right hand he steadied the gun with the help of his other hand, trying to point the barrel right at one of the undead thing’s forehead. There were too many of them to focus in on, as they were legion. Throwing caution aside, John opened fire on the crowd of walking corpses that were swarming towards them. Shots rang out, sounding like deafening thunderclaps within the store and his ears. One, a woman with long blond hair fell facedown, apparently dead for good. Another, a lipless youth with an eyeball missing took a shot right in the lower jaw, dripping a trail of blood as it limped forward.
Rob’s displays of machismo were wearing thin with John, who knew there was no way to survive now that the dead had overrun the cavernous hardware store. “Get the fuck over here and help me!” John shouted, getting no response. “ROB!” The dead had broken through the door, shattered what little glass was left of it. Rob dropped the tire iron as they pushed themselves through the openings of the door, oblivious to the leftover glass shredding their bodies. “Where’s Eddie?” Rob asked, running to find another weapon in the store. Having only lived in there for a total of three months, none of them could keep track of where all the items were. Rob, however, did make it a point to know where the axes were. Rob wished he hadn’t smoked so much in his life as he gasped for air and pumped his tired legs, dodging the dead that were trying to grab him with their cold hands. His eyes shifted crazily left to right, scanning every item on the metallic shelves. To his left was a handsome set of nail-guns ranging from a reasonable fifty dollars to the seven-hundred dollar model by Black & Decker. On his right side was every size and shape of nail imaginable, ranging from the bizarre and expensive to the mundane and cheap type commonly used.
John ran to the back of the store also, taking the occasional shot at any corpse that would try to claim him from the shadows between the aisles of tools. He was more than willing to take the blame for what had gone wrong only a few hours ago, even though it was Parker that had let them in. Parker had gone insane, chattering about how it was God’s plan to resurrect the dead. Last night he was screaming through the store, unlocking everything, removing every barrier, and tearing up the generator outside. Briefly electrocuted but still alive, the dead repaid his kindness by eating him. John was supposed to be their leader and now the three of them would share death. Rob found his way to a pile of marked-down axes, immediately grabbing a double-headed model that looked particularly sharp. John wasn’t too far behind and neither were the dead; corpses were pouring in from every direction. The lines on John’s haggard face furrowed even more as he grabbed Rob’s one free arm. “We have to get out of here.” “What about Eddie?” Rob asked, his face an expression of bewilderment. There was a period of silence between the two men, each exchanging hard glances at the other. All of them had been through hell, each depending on the other to survive. John’s voice quivered. “Forget about him. He’s probably dead anyway.” John assessed grimly. He continued to look at Rob, his last words sounding less of a statement and more of a question. “RIGHT?!” John persisted. “You sent him off to die, John.” Rob whispered, just barely audible enough to hear. “There’s—not much we can do now except survive. I’m sorry.” John pleaded, his hazy eyes having a hard time looking at Rob’s sullen face. “You bastard. Are you going to let me die too?” Rob said as he glanced at the approaching horde from the corner of his eye. “I’m sorry. Just—just we have to get out. Eddie’s dead, I know it.” “Probably…” Rob muttered, shrugging off John’s arm. John was no leader. They were all going to die, Rob thought.
John tossed the emptied gun aside, looking for a new weapon and an exit. There was the shipment entrance where trucks were let in daily, but there was no guarantee a swarm of them wouldn’t be waiting to greet the two of them on the other side. There were no alternatives; it would have to do as an escape plan. John, a relatively skinny man, tried the wooden door and remembered they’d locked it when they first found this place. “Break down the door. I’ll—“ John stuttered, groping for words that felt as if they lost all meaning. “I’ll watch your back.”
Rob eyed John contemptuously as he chopped at the door, splintered wood sailing through the air with every stroke. Most of the aisles were crammed with the dead slowly walking through, making their way to the back where they knew the fresh meat was. The whole place stunk of rotten corpses now; it was like taking a whiff of several miles worth of soured, fly-ridden meat. John remembered the chainsaw he had been working on a few weeks back, something of a hobby in the midst of all the boredom and gruesome insanity. He looked at the aisles, squinting as to narrow in on the desired object. The shine off the blade drew his attention to aisle twelve, where it was placed high on one of the shelves. Rob was almost done getting through the door, discovering how thick it actually was as it was about to give. “Where the hell are you going?” Rob cried after John, watching him make a mad scramble to retrieve the weapon. One of the dead lunged after John as he weaved through a few of the large shelves, missing him by a few inches and slamming its head into one of the shelves. Stretching his fingers out to get the chainsaw, he took no notice of a corpse grabbing his arm and yanking him backwards. Both of their bodies fell to the ground, wrestling with each other. It was trying to bite John’s fingers, snapping its jaws open and then shut like a ravenous animal. Punching it in the face and managing to break free, John staggered to his feet. Rob had left his post to help out, tossing John his axe. He caught it, ignoring its usual heft and swinging it blindly at the thing’s face. The blade was buried deeply in the forehead, causing its eyes to widen. It fell to its knees and dropped, dead, on the floor; its tongue hanging limply in a permanent death loll.
Not wasting any time, Rob grabbed the chainsaw and John removed the red-smeared axe from its resting place. Both men ran through the back, ignoring whatever dead things lay ahead. It was a large, dark warehouse in the back with only a few windows to shine daylight in. The shutters were locked in place, but a side door was always open. The two rushed towards it, mere inches away from the door. A reddened hand shot out from the shadows, wrapping itself around Rob’s head like a python and pulling him backwards. John could only make out a pair of yellowed, jagged teeth biting into Rob’s neck, tearing out a huge chunk of flesh along with his Adam’s apple. John couldn’t see what else was happening, just more hands coming out of the shadows to claim Rob for food. There was an expression on Rob’s face, but John never knew what it was or even if he had just imagined it. It could’ve been sorrow just as easily as anger directed at him. He never knew, he simply opened the door to the outside world and slammed it shut behind him, pretending he didn’t hear the sounds of chewing followed by snapping bone. John told himself that somebody had to survive, that someone had to come out in one piece. Some leader, he moped to himself silently.
Don't count your chickens before they hatch. Things look good, but they've looked good before. Give it another day or two to cool down and then we'll know for sure.
So far, I can say, I'm happy to see Rick "Hot Dog On Man Action" Santorum and Kenny Boy Blackwell go, and sad to see that Lieberman will still be free to focus his attention on the oh so important matters of violent video games, flag burning, and how gosh darn swell Bush is after all. And not that I know anything about his Dem challenger, but Lincoln Chafee was a pretty damn good politician and was to most of us what Lieberman is to conservatives.
As for my own voting experience, it went rather poorly, and I very much regret that as this is the first election since I turned 18 that I didn't get to participate in, and since Virginia is shaping up to be the next Florida and Ohio this year. Suffice it to say, it was due to my recent move, and this goddamned maintenance guy coming this morning, and then them telling me I'd have to go across town to vote before I left for work. It would be ironic if this is the one we win.
You know, everywhere they had these signs up "Vote for marriage." I mean, what was the alternative on the ballot? "Vote For Fuckbuddies?" I can only hope that some semi young, semi secular people actually voted this time in place of myself, because I am sick of this state being legislated by a bunch of snake handling walking dead and psuedo Klan Nascar watching bigots.
I'm all for targetted assasinations. I know there's a convention somewhere about it being illegal to be sure, and there's "collateral", or for those of you who don't use newspeak, dead civilians all the time. But I think if it was used properly, it could save countless lives.
Assasinations have been performed time out of mind to scratch that one certain itch that just can't be scratched. Sometimes they've changed the course of history for the better, and sometimes for the worse. Negative examples include the likes of John F. Kennedy and Lincoln. There are many positive examples as well however, such as Al Qaeda's man in Iraq (and I'm sorry, I can't for the life of me spell his name correctly, but he was the main justification for the non existent Al Qaeda link in Iraq). Another example is Reinhard Heydrich, one of the authors of the Holocaust in Nazi Germany and a possible successor to Hitler. He was assasinated by Czech partisans.
I'll tell you why I'm for them. I am of the firm belief, that, when you get down to it all, the suffering and misery of dictatorships, wars, even terrorism, have at their root cause a handful of individuals. Hitler had his goons to be sure, but taking him out, and a few of his top goons at a certain point probably would have done away with the Reich. And even late into the war. Look at Iraq. Can we honestly say, if not for Bush and maybe a dozen neocons there would have been a war? And Vietnam. Johnson and his handful of whacked out generals who came up with such Democratic hits as Operation Mongoose and Operation Northwoods. Hirohito. Mao. If John Wilkes Booth had killed Lincoln near the beginning of the Civil War, would things have gone differently? The Gunpowder Plot in England.
Al Qaeda. Mullah Omar, Bin Laden, and that spotty little bearded boyfriend of his. Oh don't get me wrong. There would still be terrorism to be sure, and who's to say if we had taken Hitler and his pals out, especially late into the war that the Reich couldn't have functioned operationally. Once a crazy asshole gets into power, he usually structures things so he can stay there. But symbolically, as well as operationally, if an assasination is carried out on the planners, on the architects, on the leaders, it can sometimes be a fatal blow. And it beats the hell out of pointless full blown wars. Because its leaders who start wars, not people. I have never known a country to go to its leader and say "Please, please take us to war." There's always such a thing as popular support, but its always a decision made at top levels.
Assasination is not a magic bullet, its sad to say. If you wanted to, say, change China's government with it, goodluck. It could have never dislodged the Taliban from Afghanistan. And there are several governments that you would need an army of assasins to deal with. But think of what about a dozen nicely placed shots would do for North Korea, where the power is centralized.
And before you talk to me about the immorality of assasination, I'd just like to remind you that its alot more moral to me to spare the world the cost in blood, treasure, and human suffering caused by wars started by a couple of immoral, inept, petty, short sighted, stupid humans who don't have the ability or the right to make such decisions, then to retain the highground as someone who doesn't make the ultimate decision of who deserves to live and who deserves to die and who thereby lets the world tear itself to pieces because of a bunch of overgrown toddlers with power over the masses.
Why destroy everything to get to just a handful of people?
I'd like to say a couple of things. First of all, I'm at the point, even when I feel its socially relevant, where I will tune out of any "Insert story here"-Gate. I'll absorb much more than I want to know just by going about my daily routine then actively or even passively trying to hear the story.
Second, I want to get this out of my system. I'm glad for Foleygate for once, for a couple of reasons. Because it pits two of my most hated entities against eachother...the current Republican congress, and the mainstream media at large. When your enemies are ripping eachother to pieces, you just sit back and enjoy. The last 6 years have been a real peach, as we all know, but I'd like to reach a little further back, and just say, welcome to your Lewinsky Gate you outraged conservatives, enjoy it with my compliments, because god knows I did when I was in highschool. I hope they beat it into your skulls well past election time. And maybe Hastert might get the boot too. Nice.
Third, besides the obvious vindictive joy I feel at this, because it exposes them as the hypocrites we've said they were even back then, I honestly do think Foley is a scumbag piece of shit. If somebody hasn't made the link to the creepy old guy from Family Guy yet, that's who he is. The pediophilia from an elected representative while at WORK is bad, the cop out of priest abuse is bad (you just know he spent hours thinking THAT one up), but the thing that really sticks in my mind is the power he had over these pages. If you look at the text responses the one sent back to him, its obvious he wants to come back with something like "Get away from me you creepy old fuck" when Foley asks him if he makes him hot. But thats not something you say to your boss who holds the keys to your career in politics. If anybody here remembers working as a teenager, cuz I do, if you cared about your job, you didn't tell your boss what you really thought of them unless you just got so burnt out that you didn't care anymore.
Oh, and Foley's instant messages sound like a pediophile Austin Powers on too much weed.
Have a job interview tomorrow with Verizon for a Fiber Optics analyst position. Pay would be somewhere between $45,000 and $49,000, which solve at least a couple of my problems. I'm also moving to a better apartment in a better area, my movein date is Oct. 16th. So I imagine I won't be posting again until well into October.
Lexian and I are doing very well, there's just not going to be time for much these next three weeks. It's nice to be moving back to somewhere resembling where I came from.