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oh when, when will it ever end?

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[14 Jul 2003|01:02pm]
i'm gonna stop using this journal and focus only on my other one, http://livejournal.com/users/buffalosoldier so add that one to your friends list. its not going to be friends only, though so i dont worry about that.
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[13 Jul 2003|09:00pm]
well, its done. i have an apartment, starting early august (before the 15th). my new home for who knows how long? i'm really excited. i can't wait to move in. i can't wait for school to start. however, my life is still rocky. emotions are running on high gear right now, and any little thing can and has set me off. i've gotten depressed more lately. and its discouraging. i have to go back to school soon and my parents are worried for my emotional well being. i know i'll be fine, with or without paxil/psychiatrists. i know i'll see dr. hemlick (my therapist at school.) during the semester, she helped a lot not only with the cutting and depression but also with my school stuff. i know most people don't think i'm ready for all the responsibility i'll be facing next semester, 18 credit hours, my own apartment, trying out for the play?, financial issues, and transportation issues... all that and more? sigh... i feel like i need to stretch myself though. i need to push the envelope and gain ground. control my life. i need control. especially now in these rocky times i need to remember control.
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[10 Jul 2003|12:46pm]
woman: "why'd you put that streak in your hair?"

me: "i dunno, why not?"

woman: "cuz you're prettier with out it."

me: "gee... thanks."


way to make me feel like shite.
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[08 Jul 2003|12:00pm]
oh jewel, we knew you once...

http://slate.msn.com/id/2085175/
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thoughts for the day. [07 Jul 2003|09:30am]
"I say you can trace the whole mess on this planet to the fact that we lose ourselves in ideas for living while life awaits us to inhabit it."
--"the minister of leaves" (it came off my box of tea....)



"Cognitive scientists now understand that emotion influences every aspect of thought, feeling and behavior. Without emotions, our decision-making ability would be impaired. Emotion is always passing judgements, presenting you with immediate information about the world: here is potential danger, there is potential comfort. This is nice, that is bad.

"Indeed, you could say that emotion makes you smart. Current research has revealed that aesthetically pleasing objects actually work better. As I shall demonstrate, products and systems that make you feel good are easier to deal with and produce more harmonious results. When you wash and polish your car, doesn't it seem to drive better? When you bathe and dress up in clean, fancy clothes, don't you feel better? And when you use state-of-the-art tools or athletic equipment, don't you perform better?"
--From an uncorrected proof of Donald Norman's Emotional Design</i>
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oh beauteous beauty of beauties! [03 Jul 2003|02:45pm]
oh it is gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh!


--i feel so sick to my stomach i could just...vomit.
but i can't. i dont know why, but i can't.
i need to get the hell out of this disgusting office! AUGH.

what is everyone doing this weekend?
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[03 Jul 2003|11:04am]
the past two days have been great. getting back with katie! yay. and yesterday at jacksonville i totally felt God speaking to me. i had a really great moving experience. even though it was jason speaking (and i greatly dislike him), i know God was using him to speak to me. he even said this thing at the very end that God was speaking to him and laying on his heart a word from God. at that moment, before he said a word, i knew it was for me. he said "How long are you going to run? God wants to connect with you as a friend. He is waiting for you. Stop running." i was knocked to the floor. i started crying. actually choking back tears. i was so convicted. i am so glad i went last night.

in other news it seems like my other journal has been found, by pretty much everyone, so it is no use writing in there thinking people won't be reading it... so i'll have to make it private.

kate and i are going on a camping trip. i can't wait!
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[30 Jun 2003|10:24pm]
gosh i feel so heartbroken right now. its a struggle to write at all at this moment. i just want to run, run, run, and never stop. why can't life be how we dream it should be? why do we dig our own graves daily?
"cause i'm tired of 'why's' choking on 'why's' just need a little 'because, because.'"
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[30 Jun 2003|09:23am]
a day at the beach brought everything into perspective. i've forgiven myself of the once unthinkable deeds, and am calmly awaiting what is to come for the next 2 months. july begins tomorrow, wow. june went so fast.
here i am at work, doing nothing... dreading assignments. heh.
i keep starting books and then putting them down again. i've read about the first 10 pages of several books. However i just bought Fast Food Nation because it interested me, and i am a sociology major. so that's what i'm reading now. i'm sitting here at my desk itching to read it, it is calling to me from my purse on the floor next to me. ARG.
thought of the day: don't force it. everything will come in its own time.
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[29 Jun 2003|03:11pm]
i guess that last entry was a little dramatic. you do stupid shit, and then the world turns and life goes on. the more i think about it the more i realize you learn from your mistakes. there's still stuff i'm upset about, but writing in journals won't fix it, obviously. i'm healing, and i hope others are too. i'm just allowing some time to let things get....thought out i guess. this entry probably won't make much sense, cause i'm half asleep as i'm writing it. anyway...

thanks rae, you're a gem.

to the rest of you, thanks for putting up with my crap, i know its hard to know me. i love you all for it.
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[27 Jun 2003|11:03am]
it's all over. my life is over. anyway, i realized having this journal is sick and stupid and i'm no longer writing in it, let alone speaking to anyone ever again. basically i want to die and should die. so. bye everyone. sorry i'm such a shit head, guess i made all your lives shitty by association.

[25 Jun 2003|03:11pm]
it happened again.
this time it happened in the bathroom at work,
and because of the same thing. so...
i have to go to the gynocologist now.
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*blush* [18 Jun 2003|08:20pm]
swish_
Magic Number14
JobWriter
PersonalityThe Glass Is Half-Empty
TemperamentPussy Cat
SexualIf I Have To
Likely To WinNothing
Me - In A WordBeautiful
Colour
Brought to you by MemeJack

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update for all the loving people out there [17 Jun 2003|11:10pm]
my wrist is sprained.
work is hell. (no because its my parents office i don't get off easy.)
sprained wrists make work difficult.
i dont get to go bike riding (due to working long hours, and also, no use of the wrist.)
my hair's black for those i haven't seen in a few days... namely everyone i know.
i feel shitty cause my mom's on my back 24/7 and work makes me so tired, i sleep all day.
today i spent my evening at arabica and borders,
i bought tank girl and slums of beverly hills DVDs.
watched tank girl tonite and felt great about it.
there was a very cute boy working at borders
so i'm going back on thursday.
i think i should ask him out. or atleast say hi.
i feel queasy all the time, and pretty anti-social.
i miss spending time with friends, but no one's really available.
i work all day and am exhausted when i get home.
i don't know about kate
and rachel's in philly
vicki usually spends her evenings with rob
and they're pretty much my only friends around here.
my mom is ragging on me about making new friends
she keeps trying to force me to go to a bible study
but she just doesn't understand how i feel sometimes.
i tried to explain it to her... but... its no use.
i'm just... not a bible study type of person.
esp. in a situation like that when i'm already feeling low.
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liaaaaaaaaaaar! [14 Jun 2003|06:51pm]
Valerie

Which Princess Bride Character are You?
this quiz was made by mysti



YES! i am SO her.
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[12 Jun 2003|10:55pm]
i am sprinting up the sidewalk through torrential rain, it is 11:55 pm. my bare feet are squish-squishing in sweat and rain soaked nikes, my pokets dampening from freshly dog-chewed socks (worn for several days straight without washing, i might add) the stench of two huge piles fresh dog shit still lingering in my nostrils. all this, and yet, i am happy. HAPPY TO BE OUT OF THAT HELL HOLE OF A HOUSE!
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[12 Jun 2003|05:21pm]
i feel like a little puddle of watery stinky shit. yes, ma'am. (or sir, for those keeping track.) atleast i have a job. full time receptionist for Handi-Lift Inc. and no, just because i'm working at the same office where my parents work doesn't mean i'm getting special treatment, its a real job, full time, i start 8 a.m. monday morning. also i am babysitting tonite. two little crazy kids 7, and 9... i hope it goes ok.... i'm really not in the mood, and yes, i actually am sometimes. but tonite i'm lethargic. i'm just tired of the same old thing, the same old thing, over and over again. i'm trying to make myself happy, but i dont want to disappoint my family... i feel like i will if i do what i want to do. but... we'll see. now that i have a job, i can save some money for after the summer, wherever i shall be then...
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in case you haven't noticed [10 Jun 2003|10:20pm]
(and you probably haven't...)

i'm not really writing in here too much anymore. wonder why that is...
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[08 Jun 2003|01:07pm]
books i have read so far this summer:
A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
Amazing, simply amazing. Paired with the movie this is an experience that everyone should have.

The Story of the Eye by Georges Bataille
Okay, I admit I only read this book because Bjork based her video for the song Venus As A Boy on it(yes i know, i am way too obsessed...) but it was an interesting and short read. I don't recommend it to anyone who doesn't enjoy surrealism, because it is outrageous. Also, a strong stomach is a must, because it is quite graphic in somewhat disturbing or gross subjects (such as urination and feces and also sexual acts.) However, it is a "classic of pornographic literature," but i didn't find it very titilating myself...

The Red Tent by Anita Diamant
I am speechless when it comes to this novel. It takes a virtually unknown Bible story from the Old Testament and shows it from the female's point of view. The wonderful thing about this novel is the depth that Diamant goes into, in expressing the culture of women, how knowledge and tradition was passed down from generation to generation, and the amazing knowledge she shows of midwifing...its just all so astonishing. She really sucks you into the world of the Old Testament... This book is throroughly beautiful, wise, important, and affecting.

Queenmaker by India Edghill
I bought this book from Borders because i loved The Red Tent so much. It is similar in many ways. It is the story of king David's wife Michal. Again, a Biblical story told from a woman's viewpoint. However, I was seriously disappointed with the depth of the book, it has a lot to say about wisdom and love (something that is important in women) but it was not as culturally rich as The Red Tent was, which was one of the best things about the novel. So, it had a good story, and some good to impart on its readers, but compared with The Red Tent, it seems like an immature, shallow book.
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[06 Jun 2003|09:52pm]
strengthen weary hands.
steady trembling knees.
and say to all faint hearts:
"courage, be not afraid."



i'm not going to be around forever.
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