Wow I get on here less and less. woot. whatever. I haven’t slept in 3 days which pretty much sucks. On Sunday I got fired. That kinda sucked too. Homework’s building up but it’s not sinking in yet. Good I suppose.

my boyfriend and I aren’t doing so well. When we first started dating *cough-8 months ago-cough* and we fell in love, I loved everything about him. No really. everything.

then some things happened in his family and he changed…dramatically. for months now I’ve been dating with half hopes he will wake one day and go back to the way he used to be. Everyone I try to talk to about it tells me to give up he’s not changing back. ok fine. I get that now. that chris is gone.

but now he’s going into depression. it was hard enough trying to date him when I wasn’t ‘in love’ with the guy he had become. but now he’s depressed all the time, tries to pretend he’s not, and if you call him on it gets defensive and bitchy. he can’t admit it if he’s wrong and gets pissed when he knows he is.

suddenly he brought up marriage. first of all, I’m too young. no thanks. second off, I don’t love him anyway. I couldn’t. I would have run…except he’s depressed and suicidal. every day I wake up wondering, “great, now what did he do last night?”

one night he’ll spend the night on train tracks and spend the day bitching how loud the trains are. the next night he’ll cry all night and bitch about how he wanted to drink but ‘didn’t’. then you find beer cans all over his room and still he claims he doesn’t drink. then the next day he’ll bitch about how he had a bad dream and will never sleep again. or he sat up all night trying not to kill himself because he doesn’t want to hurt me.

I don’t want to be selfish and push him away. but god damn. all valentines day he sat crying “lost in thought” because he contemplated killing himself the night before and the thoughts are still in his head. he claimed he “broke” my gift after I gave him his. sure. just like he ‘broke’ my Christmas gift. and my 6 months gift. both of which I never received. I’m not materialistic but geeze. some thought would be nice.

valentines day morning he got up early, bought his mom some flowers, made her a huge breakfast and gave her jewelry. I’m not saying I want all that, but hell. a card would be nice. i’m tired of him bitching and complaining. I don’t want to be mean or selfish but…

hey. I’ve been in depression. I know all the signs. I know all the mind tricks and bullshit you can do to yourself and everyone around you. I almost lost my family, I lost all my friends and the ‘love of my life’. hell I should of lost of my life too. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. and I can tell you this, no therapy or drugs can do as much as a good ‘slap in the face’.

that’s how I woke up.