How do you write a note to someone who hates you?
Hell, how do you even get them read it?!
Hell, how do you even get them read it?!
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The more sleep I get, the less I feel like I am getting. Did I mention I am tired of this? Just a note about my last entry if anyone besides remini_scent read it, that was not a suicide thing at all. A few years ago I began popping pills as an escape from being tired of being sick and sick of being tired. As time went on I stopped reacting to pills and took more and more. Pretty soon I was addicted to a drug that did nothing at all. I would go to dollar stores and buy $20-40 worth of pills and go back a couple days later to restock. I was taking hundreds each day and not once did I even throw up. Eventually I was caught after ODing at school on something (apparently illegal in the US) and almost killed myself. I went to the hospital, got my stomach pumped and they ran tests on my body. I had serious damage to my liver, went into counciling and took 6 prescriptions each day to fight multiple psychological disorders I was apparently diagnosed with. This made my addiction grow and I began ODing again on the prescriptions. I was sent to the hospital again, this time for mutliple days. After that I made a conscious choice never to take another pill. Right after that I had to have surgery and ODed once again on painkillers (Vikodin and Codeine). I promised myself once again and for the next 2 1/2 years I have fought the urges to OD on all the pills that surround me every day of my life. Until recently.
I read recently in a book that addictions become attached to other addictions. For example an addiction to sex will become to an addiction to alcohol. To make a long story short a month before I began ODing I became...how do you say...attached...to someone. I was in a verbally and mentally abusive relationship and as a therapist once told me, I was addicted to him. Still am and I will never deny that as much as I would love too. This addiction brought me to another, pills. To this day, my need for pills becomes stronger if someone mentions his name, I see his picture or a song reminds me of him. I have cut off as many ties to him as possible. Including changing my email and number, nickname and getting new friends.
A couple days ago, he emailed me.
I read recently in a book that addictions become attached to other addictions. For example an addiction to sex will become to an addiction to alcohol. To make a long story short a month before I began ODing I became...how do you say...attached...to someone. I was in a verbally and mentally abusive relationship and as a therapist once told me, I was addicted to him. Still am and I will never deny that as much as I would love too. This addiction brought me to another, pills. To this day, my need for pills becomes stronger if someone mentions his name, I see his picture or a song reminds me of him. I have cut off as many ties to him as possible. Including changing my email and number, nickname and getting new friends.
A couple days ago, he emailed me.
I want pills. I want lots of fucking pills. Hundreds. Thousands. Millions. Never-fucking-ending supply. Anything and everything I'll take it. I just fucking want pills.
My stomach is shaking, my breath short and bitter
My eyes are burning, to cry away our pain
I’m just fucking tired.
I’m tired of my head hurting. I'm tired of my eyes burning. I’m tired feeling like I’m about to cry. I’m tired of my eyes going cross eyed when I try to concentrate. I’m tired of feeling angry. I’m tired of feeling lazy. I’m tired of feeling fat. I’m tired of my muscles hurting. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of being tired. I’m just fucking tired.
I’m tired of listening to music letting them do the talking for me. I’m tired of not being able to cry. I’m tired of my breathing. I’m tired of being sick. I’m tired of being mad. I’m tired of wishing. I’m tired of broken hearts. I’m tired of trying to get lost in a book. I’m tired of trying to create my world in a dream. I’m tired of trying to bring back my past in the worst possible way. I’m tired of missing what I shouldn’t. I’m tired of thinking of people I shouldn’t be. I’m tired of feeling like I’m about to barf. I’m tired of tears sitting on the edge of my eyes. I’m tired of hanging up the phone. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of being lost. I’m tired. I’m just fucking tired.
My stomach is shaking, my breath short and bitter
My eyes are burning, to cry away our pain
I’m just fucking tired.
I’m tired of my head hurting. I'm tired of my eyes burning. I’m tired feeling like I’m about to cry. I’m tired of my eyes going cross eyed when I try to concentrate. I’m tired of feeling angry. I’m tired of feeling lazy. I’m tired of feeling fat. I’m tired of my muscles hurting. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of being tired. I’m just fucking tired.
I’m tired of listening to music letting them do the talking for me. I’m tired of not being able to cry. I’m tired of my breathing. I’m tired of being sick. I’m tired of being mad. I’m tired of wishing. I’m tired of broken hearts. I’m tired of trying to get lost in a book. I’m tired of trying to create my world in a dream. I’m tired of trying to bring back my past in the worst possible way. I’m tired of missing what I shouldn’t. I’m tired of thinking of people I shouldn’t be. I’m tired of feeling like I’m about to barf. I’m tired of tears sitting on the edge of my eyes. I’m tired of hanging up the phone. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of being lost. I’m tired. I’m just fucking tired.
numb
Another appology for my long absence. Life is catching up with me. I'm exhausted and numb. And lazy. To the extreme.
Anyway, I suppose I shall write a recent random scribble from my notebook as it tends to mean much more than these useless rambles about the weather and a fight with my mom. Though I must warn you, still nothing of anything or anyone's concesquence.
I don’t remember the last time I felt this way. But to be honest, it could have been last week. Or even yesterday. I guess that’s half the problem. I’m numb to everything but the given second. I’m not sure if I should cry, take a cold shower or sleep. If I should do my homework, call Chris or read my book. I don’t know how to feel or what to do. I’m exhausted and wide awake. Bored yet extremely busy. I’m depressed and content. I have no purpose yet everything to do. I feel fat yet can’t stop eating. I feel useless and over-used. I’m contradicting and hypocritical. Condescending and arrogant. Ignorant and skeptical of those around me. And, as usual, Chris gets the brunt of it. I finally succeeded in getting Chris to say, “I’m damn fucking sick of you hanging up. I’m going to stop calling, if you want to talk, call me!” Which of course, me and my careless pride have yet to do. I feel so bad doing this to him. Yet some sick, twisted psychopathic part of me believes, “he deserves it.” I know he doesn’t. But my pride ends when my guilt begins. The only thing in my way of calling Chris is my psychotic paranoia that he doesn’t even care. Of course I know he does. Yet of course I will not call him and tomorrow I will sit by the phone too stressed to focus on anything else knowing full well he will not be calling and gaining more unnecessary hate and dislike for him. If/when he finally calls I will once again snap at him while he sits trying with dignity to preserve his composure and not fall to my sad excuse of a level. Eventually I will hang up or he will snap and thus our relationship cycle has re-begun.
gawd I hate myself.
Anyway, I suppose I shall write a recent random scribble from my notebook as it tends to mean much more than these useless rambles about the weather and a fight with my mom. Though I must warn you, still nothing of anything or anyone's concesquence.
I don’t remember the last time I felt this way. But to be honest, it could have been last week. Or even yesterday. I guess that’s half the problem. I’m numb to everything but the given second. I’m not sure if I should cry, take a cold shower or sleep. If I should do my homework, call Chris or read my book. I don’t know how to feel or what to do. I’m exhausted and wide awake. Bored yet extremely busy. I’m depressed and content. I have no purpose yet everything to do. I feel fat yet can’t stop eating. I feel useless and over-used. I’m contradicting and hypocritical. Condescending and arrogant. Ignorant and skeptical of those around me. And, as usual, Chris gets the brunt of it. I finally succeeded in getting Chris to say, “I’m damn fucking sick of you hanging up. I’m going to stop calling, if you want to talk, call me!” Which of course, me and my careless pride have yet to do. I feel so bad doing this to him. Yet some sick, twisted psychopathic part of me believes, “he deserves it.” I know he doesn’t. But my pride ends when my guilt begins. The only thing in my way of calling Chris is my psychotic paranoia that he doesn’t even care. Of course I know he does. Yet of course I will not call him and tomorrow I will sit by the phone too stressed to focus on anything else knowing full well he will not be calling and gaining more unnecessary hate and dislike for him. If/when he finally calls I will once again snap at him while he sits trying with dignity to preserve his composure and not fall to my sad excuse of a level. Eventually I will hang up or he will snap and thus our relationship cycle has re-begun.
gawd I hate myself.
Attitude:
cold
Music: kanye west; gold digger
I keep writing in my (online) journal hoping someone will comment back and suddenly everything in my life will make sense. But yesterday, I realized something. I don’t ‘write’ in my online journal. I carry a notebook around with me which gets the brunt of my minds inner workings. I also have a hardcover journal which usually gets a summary of the days thoughts/happenings. And then I keep this one. Which I’m still not even sure what it gets. Every once in a while (mostly lately) I start rambling on a thought or two stuck in my head. Most of the time its…well, nothing - pointless and boring. I swear people; my life isn’t half as boring as I make it sound. I address my journal talking TO people. But a point of a journal is to write what your thinking/feeling that you normally can’t share with those around you. Somehow the anonymous “feeling” from the internet helps open you up. I’m not seeing that in my case. I’m really not sure what I’m getting at here.
Anyway, on deviantart.com (anyone here have that thing?) I was told my photography sucks and my subjects are boring. Well that’s fine and dandy, the photo’s on my page currently were taken for my school paper which by the way, the article (I also wrote) and photo’s were recently published in the local towns paper and I was given an award (certificate) for them. Woot. So yes, my journalism photo’s do suck.lol.
I have a lot of my mind right now and I would love to write it all down but I know that if I start writing about it I will be late to work so I can’t. I will later tonight I can almost guarantee it.
On a sad subject I’m going to talk to my boyfriend one more time. Basically I’m going to say, “ Give me one good reason not to dump you?” OK, so I wouldn’t say that…but still. Something like that…I think. Ugh. I give up.
I wish you could visit those damn tanning beds more than once a day. I’m addicted. I just came from it and I want to go back. *sigh* Write more later.
Anyway, on deviantart.com (anyone here have that thing?) I was told my photography sucks and my subjects are boring. Well that’s fine and dandy, the photo’s on my page currently were taken for my school paper which by the way, the article (I also wrote) and photo’s were recently published in the local towns paper and I was given an award (certificate) for them. Woot. So yes, my journalism photo’s do suck.lol.
I have a lot of my mind right now and I would love to write it all down but I know that if I start writing about it I will be late to work so I can’t. I will later tonight I can almost guarantee it.
On a sad subject I’m going to talk to my boyfriend one more time. Basically I’m going to say, “ Give me one good reason not to dump you?” OK, so I wouldn’t say that…but still. Something like that…I think. Ugh. I give up.
I wish you could visit those damn tanning beds more than once a day. I’m addicted. I just came from it and I want to go back. *sigh* Write more later.
Wow I get on here less and less. woot. whatever. I haven’t slept in 3 days which pretty much sucks. On Sunday I got fired. That kinda sucked too. Homework’s building up but it’s not sinking in yet. Good I suppose.
my boyfriend and I aren’t doing so well. When we first started dating *cough-8 months ago-cough* and we fell in love, I loved everything about him. No really. everything.
then some things happened in his family and he changed…dramatically. for months now I’ve been dating with half hopes he will wake one day and go back to the way he used to be. Everyone I try to talk to about it tells me to give up he’s not changing back. ok fine. I get that now. that chris is gone.
but now he’s going into depression. it was hard enough trying to date him when I wasn’t ‘in love’ with the guy he had become. but now he’s depressed all the time, tries to pretend he’s not, and if you call him on it gets defensive and bitchy. he can’t admit it if he’s wrong and gets pissed when he knows he is.
suddenly he brought up marriage. first of all, I’m too young. no thanks. second off, I don’t love him anyway. I couldn’t. I would have run…except he’s depressed and suicidal. every day I wake up wondering, “great, now what did he do last night?”
one night he’ll spend the night on train tracks and spend the day bitching how loud the trains are. the next night he’ll cry all night and bitch about how he wanted to drink but ‘didn’t’. then you find beer cans all over his room and still he claims he doesn’t drink. then the next day he’ll bitch about how he had a bad dream and will never sleep again. or he sat up all night trying not to kill himself because he doesn’t want to hurt me.
I don’t want to be selfish and push him away. but god damn. all valentines day he sat crying “lost in thought” because he contemplated killing himself the night before and the thoughts are still in his head. he claimed he “broke” my gift after I gave him his. sure. just like he ‘broke’ my Christmas gift. and my 6 months gift. both of which I never received. I’m not materialistic but geeze. some thought would be nice.
valentines day morning he got up early, bought his mom some flowers, made her a huge breakfast and gave her jewelry. I’m not saying I want all that, but hell. a card would be nice. i’m tired of him bitching and complaining. I don’t want to be mean or selfish but…
hey. I’ve been in depression. I know all the signs. I know all the mind tricks and bullshit you can do to yourself and everyone around you. I almost lost my family, I lost all my friends and the ‘love of my life’. hell I should of lost of my life too. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. and I can tell you this, no therapy or drugs can do as much as a good ‘slap in the face’.
that’s how I woke up.
( Advanced Global Personality Test ResultsCollapse )
my boyfriend and I aren’t doing so well. When we first started dating *cough-8 months ago-cough* and we fell in love, I loved everything about him. No really. everything.
then some things happened in his family and he changed…dramatically. for months now I’ve been dating with half hopes he will wake one day and go back to the way he used to be. Everyone I try to talk to about it tells me to give up he’s not changing back. ok fine. I get that now. that chris is gone.
but now he’s going into depression. it was hard enough trying to date him when I wasn’t ‘in love’ with the guy he had become. but now he’s depressed all the time, tries to pretend he’s not, and if you call him on it gets defensive and bitchy. he can’t admit it if he’s wrong and gets pissed when he knows he is.
suddenly he brought up marriage. first of all, I’m too young. no thanks. second off, I don’t love him anyway. I couldn’t. I would have run…except he’s depressed and suicidal. every day I wake up wondering, “great, now what did he do last night?”
one night he’ll spend the night on train tracks and spend the day bitching how loud the trains are. the next night he’ll cry all night and bitch about how he wanted to drink but ‘didn’t’. then you find beer cans all over his room and still he claims he doesn’t drink. then the next day he’ll bitch about how he had a bad dream and will never sleep again. or he sat up all night trying not to kill himself because he doesn’t want to hurt me.
I don’t want to be selfish and push him away. but god damn. all valentines day he sat crying “lost in thought” because he contemplated killing himself the night before and the thoughts are still in his head. he claimed he “broke” my gift after I gave him his. sure. just like he ‘broke’ my Christmas gift. and my 6 months gift. both of which I never received. I’m not materialistic but geeze. some thought would be nice.
valentines day morning he got up early, bought his mom some flowers, made her a huge breakfast and gave her jewelry. I’m not saying I want all that, but hell. a card would be nice. i’m tired of him bitching and complaining. I don’t want to be mean or selfish but…
hey. I’ve been in depression. I know all the signs. I know all the mind tricks and bullshit you can do to yourself and everyone around you. I almost lost my family, I lost all my friends and the ‘love of my life’. hell I should of lost of my life too. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. and I can tell you this, no therapy or drugs can do as much as a good ‘slap in the face’.
that’s how I woke up.
( Advanced Global Personality Test ResultsCollapse )
tired
Yay a day off!! Woot.
I work 35 hours a week and my boyfriend is starting to get pissed off. Not to mention my 40 hours of school a week. I rarely get to see him.
Anyway, tonight my boyfriend, Chris, and I were talking and he kept mentioning a dream he had where *something* happened and it was "amazing". I assumed it mean't we had sex like what most teen-age guys dream about. Well he mentions these 'dreams' quite frequently, especially lately. He finally admited tonight what happens in each of them.
He asks me to marry him in different ways and every time I say yes.
I don't know what to think.
I honestly never expected this relationship to last over a week, much less 7 1/2 monthes. It's not that after 7 1/2 monthes I'd say yes right away. Fuck, I at least want to be 18 when I get proposed too.
But at the same time, him saying that doesn't freak me out as much as it would most people. I was engaged to my first steady boyfriend for about 5 monthes before we broke up. *cough-my current boyfriend's cousin-cough*(We dated for about 9 monthes).
I was "promised" marriage by my next steady boyfriend. We dated for almost 2 1/2 years. *cough-perfect-cough* I still think we could have made it to marriage but I don't want to go there.
The point is, I didn't think we'd make it this far, I don't want to screw it up now. I don't want to say, "Yeah sure, of course I will marry you!" and yet I don't want to say, "No, I don't want to marry you...yet?" either.
I don't want to hurt him either way. I kind of wish he hadn't brought it up. I love him but I'm not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him quite yet.
I really don't think I can/will. I have too much left to do in my life before I settle down...I think. Well I really want to get married ASAP and yet I still have serious 'crushes' for lack of a better word, on ex-boyfriends. Especially one. And I know if I saw him again, even if my boyfriend was with me...I'd choose him over Chris. I know it sounds horrible. Trust me, I know. But it was a stupid, useless ending. It never should have happened. We didn't really even break up to say the least.
And then the other. Ugh. Gawd just thinking about...Perfect...makes me...tired. And depressed.
Good night.
♥
I work 35 hours a week and my boyfriend is starting to get pissed off. Not to mention my 40 hours of school a week. I rarely get to see him.
Anyway, tonight my boyfriend, Chris, and I were talking and he kept mentioning a dream he had where *something* happened and it was "amazing". I assumed it mean't we had sex like what most teen-age guys dream about. Well he mentions these 'dreams' quite frequently, especially lately. He finally admited tonight what happens in each of them.
He asks me to marry him in different ways and every time I say yes.
I don't know what to think.
I honestly never expected this relationship to last over a week, much less 7 1/2 monthes. It's not that after 7 1/2 monthes I'd say yes right away. Fuck, I at least want to be 18 when I get proposed too.
But at the same time, him saying that doesn't freak me out as much as it would most people. I was engaged to my first steady boyfriend for about 5 monthes before we broke up. *cough-my current boyfriend's cousin-cough*(We dated for about 9 monthes).
I was "promised" marriage by my next steady boyfriend. We dated for almost 2 1/2 years. *cough-perfect-cough* I still think we could have made it to marriage but I don't want to go there.
The point is, I didn't think we'd make it this far, I don't want to screw it up now. I don't want to say, "Yeah sure, of course I will marry you!" and yet I don't want to say, "No, I don't want to marry you...yet?" either.
I don't want to hurt him either way. I kind of wish he hadn't brought it up. I love him but I'm not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him quite yet.
I really don't think I can/will. I have too much left to do in my life before I settle down...I think. Well I really want to get married ASAP and yet I still have serious 'crushes' for lack of a better word, on ex-boyfriends. Especially one. And I know if I saw him again, even if my boyfriend was with me...I'd choose him over Chris. I know it sounds horrible. Trust me, I know. But it was a stupid, useless ending. It never should have happened. We didn't really even break up to say the least.
And then the other. Ugh. Gawd just thinking about...Perfect...makes me...tired. And depressed.
Good night.
♥
cheerful
Gosh, I feel like a horrible LJ friend. I used to get on every day, comment on everything I could. Now I get on like twice a week, rarely update and even rarer comment. I hope everyone can forgive me. I can't promise more time on LJ, but I can promise I will try.
I heard this song today and almost started crying. This describes my feelings for someone...we'll call him Perfect...perfectly.
( PerfectCollapse )
I heard this song today and almost started crying. This describes my feelings for someone...we'll call him Perfect...perfectly.
( PerfectCollapse )
OMG I'm in the weirdest mood.
I just wrote my ex boyfriend a note on myspace...FYI-I'm deleting my profile.
I hate this guy with true passion. He's done so many things to me that can not ever be forgiven for.
And yet...on top of it all...I have an "addiction" as my therapist once said, to him.
Anyway, he's not allowed to talk to me and yet I wrote him this:
" Hey kid.
It's been a while.
Just saying hi. I'm getting off myspace (probably delete it tonight or tomorrow if I ever get on again) and wanted to check up on you one last time.
It took a surprisingly long time to find geeze. lol.
Anyway, I read your blog (SOOO cute!), and I wanted to say-I'm so happy for you.
Honestly, when I came up on your page I expected a lot of bad emotions to come up. But for some reason, I feel calmer now than I have in a long time. So...thank you.
I really am happy for you. More than any words could ever describe. I just want to give someone a hug suddenly. lol. By the way, I checked out your girl's profile-she's soo pretty! You got yourself a hottie, good job! :)
Wow this is coming longer than intended. I guess I'll talk to you later...or well I guess not. Well maybe. If you do ever want to talk (not implying you do...don't worry, no pressure.)
my email is [---].
Have a great day/life.
Ps-update your pix! :)
Miss ya,
ariana "
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!
I just wrote my ex boyfriend a note on myspace...FYI-I'm deleting my profile.
I hate this guy with true passion. He's done so many things to me that can not ever be forgiven for.
And yet...on top of it all...I have an "addiction" as my therapist once said, to him.
Anyway, he's not allowed to talk to me and yet I wrote him this:
" Hey kid.
It's been a while.
Just saying hi. I'm getting off myspace (probably delete it tonight or tomorrow if I ever get on again) and wanted to check up on you one last time.
It took a surprisingly long time to find geeze. lol.
Anyway, I read your blog (SOOO cute!), and I wanted to say-I'm so happy for you.
Honestly, when I came up on your page I expected a lot of bad emotions to come up. But for some reason, I feel calmer now than I have in a long time. So...thank you.
I really am happy for you. More than any words could ever describe. I just want to give someone a hug suddenly. lol. By the way, I checked out your girl's profile-she's soo pretty! You got yourself a hottie, good job! :)
Wow this is coming longer than intended. I guess I'll talk to you later...or well I guess not. Well maybe. If you do ever want to talk (not implying you do...don't worry, no pressure.)
my email is [---].
Have a great day/life.
Ps-update your pix! :)
Miss ya,
ariana "
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!
