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Jan. 22nd, 2010

(no subject)

Since this year began, I feel as though all my weeks run together and are simply a repeat of the one before.


Dec. 22nd, 2009

May the scent of berries comfort you, and the taste of wine linger long after the bottle is drained.

It is 1:04 in the morning. I am sleep deprived, and quite ridiculous.

I was sitting here quietly in my little corner of the room with only my monitor to light my keys as I type and began to think.

I rarely, if ever, type my true thoughts out here. This is a diary of sorts, is it not? My diary....and yet I am afraid to put true thoughts here.

I instead have a word document that has all the real details enclosed in the language which I do actually speak inside my mind. Not overly simplified, condensed like a sludgy cheap soup that must be watered-down to be understood.

No, no.

...and so I share an excerpt:

Lately life has thrown me for a loop. Some twisting churning ride, that is careening at such a rapid pace that I feel as though if I were to claw my way out that I would surely perish. End up a navy blue splatter on a seldom-seen wall somewhere, left to dry and crackle away under the searing gaze of an autumn sun. Un-missed, and the worlds spins on.
It just seems to me as of late that the people and things I'd focused so intently on living my life for just don't add up in the grand equation anymore. I feel as though I am back in school with a teacher sneering at me for not understanding the numbers on the page. The equal sign mocking me as if the answer is obvious.
I seem to be struggling the most with change. The idea that people can become someone completely different and not a trace of who they were remains. I had always clung to the belief that change does indeed happen, but some of the original essence is left behind as well. A faint reminder of how we started. Is it really possible to become someone else?
I laid in bed last night with tears streaming down my face thinking this very thing. Interrupted at times with him wanting to say something and never finishing...ultimately getting frustrated at me and turning away in a huff after raising his voice like I should know the words trapped in his mouth, pressing behind his teeth trying to find their way out and into my ears.
Everything he says to me lately is wrong. Hard. Unkind, and uncaring. Just wanting me to leave him alone, to let him escape into his electronic universe and ignore the problems waiting right outside our door. He just lays next to me and lets me cry.
I am quite convinced that not a shred of the boy I fell deeply in love with is left inside there. This realization is the hardest of all to swallow and endure.
That boy would have held me close cooing softly in my ear to calm me, reassuring me that he loved me and that we weren't drifting. That everything was going to be okay and that he was going to take care of me. That sickening sweetness that I fought my hardest against but eventually won me over and melted away the fortress of ice I'd built around myself and my emotions.
We were sweeter then. More free than we'd ever been with affection and it was beautiful.
Everything is mechanical and routine now. As if the only reason we're together is because it beats the alternative of being alone. We've programmed ourselves into some sad mockery of the love we once felt, and it's tearing me apart inside. I don't even think he sees it. How could he? We never speak.
Even when he's near I find myself feeling alone and isolated. It used to be he and I against the world, and now it seems he's simply morphed into one of them.
I am alone.
There is always the possibility that I am partially to blame. I have changed too. I don't feel different.
I still gasp at the sight of his bare skin, revelling in the warmth of him when he chooses to share it. I watch him sleep, his face serene....his body twisted into strange positions though his face remains as innocent as a child's.
When he kisses me, really kisses me...I still lose my breath in the best possible way.
I feel like I don't create such feelings in him anymore. I feel he is bored with me. I have let my appearance go pretty much completely downhill. Weight gain, lack of care for how I look on most days. I am less attractive and I know it. It sounds shallow and vain to be whining on about such things, but it crosses every woman's mind at times.
I miss the days when all I had to do was look at him a certain way to get a reaction. To be scooped up in his arms and be held, kissed until left gasping for air. The tender moments when just laying together and listening to each other breathe was enough. The faint sensation of his lips grazing my forehead softly...his fingers entwined in my hair.
These things never happen anymore.
Perhaps it is just another of the myriad differences between men and women.
As a relationship goes on....we get more familiar with one another. Every miniscule quirk you can imagine, we know.
For myself, and some other women perhaps, I find this pleasant. The passion is still there that was present in the beginning, only now it is tempered with experience. It knows him in the most intimate of ways, and this brings me a joy like nothing else. To be able to map his body by memory, to know his likes and dislikes. To curl up next to him each night, move in close and still feel the familiar intoxication the smell of his skin brings. The passion has evolved, but never died.
For men, I think familiarity often brings boredom. I think it goes back to the primeval hunter instinct....the thrill of the chase. All of their passion goes into wooing, and ultimately landing their woman of choice. A lot of times just for a night, but sometimes an actual relationship results. The first year is steadily amazing for the both of them...but past that threshold things start to lose their initial draw. The thrill subsides, and now that they've landed their catch it seems of little necessity to try as hard. They have what they want, right? They know the moves like the back of their hand. The sweet little romantic gestures stop because theres just no point anymore.
The remainder of the completely smitten nineteen year old girl I was when I met him is whimpering inside my mind, begging me to tell her this isn't true....saying she was certain we would be different.
I wish I could tell her with confidence that we're the exception.
I've seen little proof to confirm it.

Dec. 14th, 2009

(no subject)

I never post here anymore.

This is mainly due to the fact that I never really have anything of importance to say. I don't go anywhere besides work. Honestly.

So the whole "zomgzmakeups!" obsession has not been noted.

Well. Now it has. I'm getting really interested in makeup. Lately Hard Candy has been the much sought-after brand and tonight I picked up three of their products.

Trust me, it was hard settling on the three I did. I'd have something picked out and go to leave the isle and (to boyfriend's dismay) would run back and switch it out for something else.

I stuck with three "safe bets" tonight though. I got:

-Walk The Line Liquid Eyeliner in asphalt: Just a black liquid liner.
-Plumping Serum Volumizing gloss : Just a clear gloss, though the colored ones were pretty.
- Party Girl Lipstick in Perfect 10: We will see about this. I normally don't buy lipstick because I misjudge anything but my perfect shade of red. I'll try it out and see.

So yeah. I ended up spending a crapload of money that I don't really have to be wasting on makeup. *sigh*

We'll see how I like them.

Nov. 17th, 2009

(no subject)

Someday I will own my own home, if for no other reason than I'm tired of renting and having people come in an nitpick about the way I live.

Realtor is inspecting the house today, and it is making me cranky.

Oct. 29th, 2009

Small Joys.

My lunch today is amazing. Tomato-sage soup with pepper-bacon grilled cheese.

When asked whether or not I like to cook, I never really know how to answer people.

The truth of the matter is I love cooking, but moreso when I'm by myself. So...I like cooking alone?

Back to my lunch. Just felt the need to write this.


Oct. 6th, 2009

Series of unfortunate events.

So lately in my life I've been noticing a trend. A decline, if you will. I've been getting a rather large karmic ass-kickin'...and I'm trying to figure out why.

I've been complaining to just about everyone about my job screwing me over on hours. I pretty much work two days a week now if I'm lucky. I just feel unappreciated because I kicked my ass for those people in one of their "peak months" and now I'm losing hours to a new chick they hired. I wouldn't care so much if it were justified. I do what I do well. I enjoy my job. Where at first it was only about the money, I am learning things now that I didn't know before about some of the merchandise. So I've been not-so-quietly seething about that since I got back from visiting my mother last month.

Aside from that there've been noticeable personal letdowns that I'd rather not venture into right now.

So today when the boy gets home he looks very sullen, and I ask him what wrong. Long story short: He was fired from his job today. This is not in any way a good thing. Especially not since it seems my job doesn't plan on giving me any more hours at all. Period.

Things get hard. I know this. I'm trying to not let it get the best of me.

I'm just feeling very out-of-control, which drives me fucking bonkers.

Sep. 8th, 2009

Photosynthesis - Frank Turner

Well I guess I should confess that I am starting to get old
All the latest music fads all passed me by and left me cold
All the kids are talking slang I won't pretend to understand
All my friends are getting married, mortagages and pension plans
And it's obvious my angry adolescent days are done
And I'm happy and I'm settled in the person I've become
But that doesn't mean I'm settled up and sitting out the game
Time may change alot but some things may stay the same

And I won't sit down
And I won't shut up
And most of all I will not grow up
And I won't sit down
And I won't shut up
And most of all I yeah I won't grow up

Oh maturity's a wrapped up package deal so it seems
And ditching teenage fantasy means ditching all your dreams
All your friends and peers and family solomnly tell you you will
Have to grow up be an adult yeah be bored and unfulfilled
Oh when no ones yet explained to me exactly what's so great
About slaving 50 years away on something that you hate
Look I'm meekly shuffling down the path of mediocrity
Well if that's your road then take it but it's not the road for me

And I won't sit down
And I won't shut up
And most of all I will not grow up
And I won't sit down
And I won't shut up
And most of all I yeah I won't grow up
And I won't sit down
And I won't shut up
And most of all I will not grow up

And if all you ever do with your life
Is photosynthesize
Then you deserve every hour of these sleepless nights
That you spend wondering when you're gonna die

Now I'll play and you sing
The perfect way for the evening to begin
Now I'll play and you sing
The perfect way for the evening to begin

And I won't sit down
And I won't shut up
And most of all yeah I won't grow up
And I won't sit down
And I won't shut up
And most of all I will not grow up
And I won't sit down
And I won't shut up
And most of all I will not grow up

The video.

Sep. 5th, 2009

The hurt is still fresh.

I cannot believe that he's dead. I see the article, I feel the mourning of others, but I am having trouble accepting it. Never before has a death of someone my age been so close to me. I keep seeing that grin of his in my mind, and am flooded by memories. It seems as though every moment we shared in this life keeps playing over inside my head.

Not even a week ago I saw him come online, and we did not speak. Now we will never get to again.

I will grieve, and live on, as I know thats what he'd want us all to do.....because despite all his fighting against it, he was a good man inside. So few got to delve into that aspect of him, though.

I love you, Justin. The very thought of never seeing you again kills me inside. Of never hearing you ask me for advice, or telling me your recent antics. Of never being able to lovingly bitch at you for some of your less-than-wonderful decisions. Rest well, dear.

Jul. 28th, 2009

I r back!

So, we got internet going again in the new house after a month of bickering with the company that yes we WERE in their service area.

I am now working at the antique mall, and I quite love it. I'm making more money than at any of my previous jobs, and the work is insanely easy. Only issue is that I keep finding things I want and buying them. >.<

My garden, if you can call it that, is doing decent. My lavender, dittany of crete, and rosemary are going a bit funky on me, but everything else is fine. My angelica and basil have gone insane.

I need to get my ass set up and start making some incenses and packaging them. I must order bags and dig out the printer and buy ink cartridges for labels and business cards. I set up my etsy store, but have yet to stick anything into it. I have made up one particularly smellgoody recipe that I have named Greenman. It smells woodsy and awesome.

Also been tinkering around with polymer clay and making doll heads. I keep hoping they will eventually turn into whole dolls, but I'm intimidated by the thought at the moment.

May. 19th, 2009

(no subject)

So we finally got accepted for a house. Three cheers for no homelessness!

Its a cute little two-bedroom out in the country. Thats right, kids. We have the whole house to ourselves. No duplex bullshit. It is a cat-friendly place, so kitties get to stay with us. We have a YARD. The view out back is gorgeous. Seems like somewhere I can....breathe. I've hated living in town since around my second week living up here. >:(

So as far as I know around the beginning of June we'll be moving. So soon.

I'm likely to be invisible during the move, being busy and all. I sort of have been anyway, as I'm just coming out of the bright side of some weird mood-funk I was in.

Things seem to be getting better. Finally.

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