| Middle fingers in the air |
[21 Mar 2007|05:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 just a lil lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Daughtry >> Breakdown |
] |
Sometimes, I want to run around with my two middle fingers in the air while yelling "Fuck you!" over and over at everyone and everything.
Hmm... I wonder how that would be like. Damn.
|
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| Endings. And the fugly word I don't want to keep typing over and over but do so anyway. |
[14 Mar 2007|04:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 weird, crazy, and senti |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Howie Day >> You & A Promise |
] |
Suddenly, everything is over. The monster I've long wanted to defeat (or did I?) is dead. The project I've long itched to finish (or did I?) is finished. The section and the paper I dedicated hours of sleepless nights to, in front of a computer (at the cost of my now higher contact lenses grade), obsessing whether "of" or "for" or "with" are the best prepositions to use in a particular sentence given its context, deliberating over principles and beliefs whether an idea and/or article is worth writing about and/or publishing or not, and perfecting every detail of a four-page section from the text, photos, and design -- it's over. At least for this school year. I have no regrets at all and ten years from now, I can look back and feel proud of what I accomplished, achieved, and also accumulated during the past, more or less, ten months. I'm relieved that "it" is over, officially, as of Tuesday 2:30AM, but gawd, call this strange, but I miss it ALL already.
Yes, I am a workaholic (translation: I have no life). Some days ago, a good friend made me realize and forced me to admit to myself that. It took a few days for me to as I kept myself in denial. The root of it, I later on realized. But a workaholic? Me? It was silly. Pretty hard to digest because I knew more people out there worked harder, slept less, and obsessed more than I did or maybe ever could tolerate. It's scary, really. Am I really one of them? Yikes.
Goodbyes are in the air. Even if they're not said, they're there, just lazily floating about almost all of the closest friends I've made throughout my whole college life, compelling me (yes, compelling me) to be all gooey inside and sentimental. Of course I deny myself this mush too but I always lose anyway so sometimes I ask myself why bother denying when I'll give in anyway? Haha! Yep, goodbyes are in the air. I hate it. SOOO much. All the more because goodbyes entail a parting and I ain't good with that kind of thing. Seperation issues, I guess. That I won't deny. Okay. Lemme promise one thing: I will not cry during the two ceremonies I am most likely going to attend on the last two days of March (if I break my promise though, please don't call me a girl).
Endings foreshadow beginnings. Scary ones. Time flies, true. One day you're (secretly) shaking at the daunting responsibilities ahead, which you wanted and got. The next thing you know, you're (reluctantly, almost with a heavy heart) letting them go and working hard to get brand new responsibilities. But for what? I heard or read this somewhere (probably from "Grey's Anatomy"): "Why do we like to beat ourselves or allow someone/something to beat our heads when it hurts so much? Because it feels so damn good when the beating stops."
The beating is about to stop (or has already stopped). When will the part come when I'll start feeling damn good that it's stopped? Has it passed without me even noticing and indulging in it? Strange. And yet here I am, asking for something to beat my head with or someone to beat my head with something. Am I crazy? I remember wanting to just throw it all way and "let it go" white it beat my head. What's going on? Maybe it's an ending that's crazy -- that's driving me crazy.
I'll shut up now at risk of possibly typing the letters g-o-o-d-b-y-e and e-n-d-i-n-g-s AGAIN! Bitter, yes. Hyper, yes. Crazy, very.
|
|
| Damn you Bellefire! |
[10 Mar 2007|02:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed groupie |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Daughtry >> It's Not Over |
] |
I was listening to the radio a while ago when a familiar song began to play. Jewel's "You Were Meant For Me" - its guitar chords, not just lyrics, I've memorized, enough for me to recognize it in a moment. When it's time for the first verse, an unfamiliar voice sings.
It was not Jewel. But Bellefire, this annoying Irish three-member girlband. They remade Jewel's "You Were Meant For Me."
What the hell were they thinking?! Do they not know how limited their vocals are? Argh! How dare they destroy my favorite song! Unforgivable little bitches. So annoying. For a fact, I think that I have one of the highest tolerance when it comes to girlbands. Sometimes, I even tend to appreciate them no matter how sucky their music really is (this is thanks to the Spice Girls). But to revive my favorite song? Unforgivable.
I say, as a law, "Thou shalt not remake any Jewel song or any song one does not have the capacity to remake!" Damn you Bellefire! I repeat, "What the hell were you thinking?!"
SIDE NOTE: Chris Daughtry, or just Daughtry, rocks. Loving his songs so far. Very pop-rock radio-friendly. That's how to do it, Bo Bice! Learn now.
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| Who will save my soul? |
[04 Mar 2007|09:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
guilty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Jewel >> Who Will Save Your Soul? |
] |
last night, around 11PM, i dropped by this convenient store near our place, Commonwealth Super Market ata yung name, tapos, before i went back inside my car, around three boys crowded around me, begging. then i said, "wala akong pera, 25 cents lang talaga." part true. i only had a 25 centavo coin, but i still had around PhP40 in my wallet. but they kept begging anyway.
one boy, he showed me his giant wound on his leg. it was still even fresh that i was so compelled to just give him all i got, but i didn't. he said he needed the money to buy medicine. he even offered to have my bills exchanged to coins so i can spare him some, but i didn't still. i shoo-ed him and the two others away and continued to say, "wala na talaga akong pera." fucking liar i am. big-assed, big-mouthed, fucking liar.
this is why i think i'll go to hell when i die.
:(
so sings jewel, "who will save your soul?"
the weird thing though was that, they wouldn't take my 25 centavo even if i already offered. true i guess that even receivers (some beggars included) pick the things they will receive.
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| Fete ("party" in French)! amid all the school-deadlines-shit |
[04 Feb 2007|04:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Bee Gees >> How Can You Mend A Broken Heart? |
] |
Last night, my friends, Lea and Lovely, the ones I met during my college review, celebrated Dennis' 22nd birthday along with his girlfriend Erika. Well, it was a post-celebration because of me daw for "always being unavailable during weekends." Crap. Haha! After dinner, we headed to this KTV place. Wow! My first time inside one! I should've brought our Magic Sing but some people forgot to tell me. It was annoyingly expensive at PhP350 per hour! Worst, the people won't even tell you if you've already exceeded the one hour thing so we ended up paying PhP700 plus the tax pa! Argh!
Anyway, here was my songlist:
1) "Baby Don't You Break My Heart Slow" (Well, Lea chose this but I ended up singing it just because she doesn't know the melody of the verses. She was my chorus girl! Haha! It's by Vonda Shepard and Emily Saliers of Indigo Girls)
2) "World Without Love" (original version by this oldies band)
3) "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart" (by the Bee Gees, sayang not by Al Green)
4) "I Know Him By Heart" (by Vonda Shepard)
5) "Love Song For No One" (by John Mayer)
6) "Lost In Space" (by Lighthouse Family)
7) "You Were Meant For Me" (by Jewel)
Songs 2 to 4 are all post-Ally-McBeal fever. Vonda Shepard and Al Green really got me! Love them now! :D The videoke songlist was amazing, all these songs I would never think would find their way there! I was happy that I got to sing my all-time fave song, "You Were Meant for Me" for the first time! Jewel rocks! Haha!
They were teasing me that I've mellowed down a little. I used to usually sing very upbeat songs they're seldom familiar with (well, they're still not so familiar with my song choices now). And also, they noticed that my songs seemed to have a common theme. I don't wanna tell what they said. Basta! Haha! Oh well... I'm an "old man"! Senti ass I have now! All the senti opportunities eh, can't help it! Plus, people do sound better when they sing slow songs in videokes! Videoking for me, is a time to get all the cheese out and to win, win, win (annoying machine didn't give scores)! Haha! I'm so happy that I've gotten over my fear of videokeing. La lang, it's so fun!
So, for super last song, just to kill the senti-mode, I sang:
8) "Pop" (by N'Sync) Haha! It's nice to pretend to be Justin just because I'm nothing like him.
Wooohooo! Been partying! :) Awww.. senti nanaman! Friday, two weeks ago, and just last Friday with my staffers/friends. Inuman and all. Love 'em to bits, really. And then this party-overnight thing with old friends. Lea, Lovely, and Dennis have been my friends since I was in junior high school and I'm so glad we stuck together even after we got in to the colleges we want and the reviews were over. Love 'em so much too! Cheers (gotta work out just to prevent beerbelly posibilities)!
Nothing beats partying with friends after so much stress! It does help unwind. Now I understand party addicts a little more :)
PS
I am recommending this drink, more like a shot (but they call it cocktail in the menu - tama ba yun?), called "Orgasm" - WOW! Orgasmic! :D Haha!
|
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| From the future |
[01 Feb 2007|12:57pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Aqualung >> Brighter than Sunshine |
] |
i said once that i wanted to meet someone from the future, one who could give me all the answers to the present, and then i realized that i am from the future, only without all the answers. at least my mind is. what the fuck?
christmas break time, my friend and i were having coffee just outside my house when we got to talking about future plans. then we got to talking about how time flies. i'm fucking turning 22 in a few months. how scary is that? 2-2. fucking scary!
"i always somewhat think that after christmas, i automatically age a year older even if my birthday's still on may 20, so yeah, i feel like i'm already 22 and i feel compelled to say that i am already 22 when people ask how old i am."
"hahaha! i'm still 20 years old."
"but you're turning 21 in june na! hahaha"
"but i'm still 20 now. now is what matters. right now i am 20 years old. my friend said that because i plan too much, obsessively trying to prepare for everything, i've somewhat challenged a race with time. then i realized, the future does not exist, at least not right now. the future is still out there in the abyss. what does exist is now. this. right now. what we have. maybe should stick to that. we're our age, whoever we are right now, just for now. did i make sense?" then she laughed and i laughed too.
nothing was very funny, but it was funny just because... i don't know. maybe we were both laughing nervous-guilty laughter. i knew, as much as she does, that i am living in the future as much as she trying not to, fighting her urges, her mind, from floating to the future and stay put now in the present.
so there. because of that conversation, i realized that as much of a planner as i am, i will stop making plans in exchange of making goals. you see, there is a difference. plans are more rigid and time-bound, whereas goals are more flexible. i realized that sticking to the plan i made for myself and realizing that i'm far from my plans - what, where, and who i should be right now - it just depresses me. super. makes me feel like a fucked up failure.
so what was my new year's resolution? stop planning. instead, start making goals. maybe that way, i can begin living in this time as a 21 year old guy and not in the future, as a 22 year old guy. all in good time.
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|
| Hong Kong Post |
[13 Jan 2007|08:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
SUPER Happppppppeeeeeeeeee!!!! |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Some Coffee Shop, Chinese Music |
] |
I am in Hong Kong right now. YES. RIGHT. NOW.
I am in IFC Mall, inside Pacific Coffee. We'll be going to a bar called Red just to check out the party scene in a while then we'll have dinner in this "chic" resto. So excited.
That's all. I'll be back on January 15, Monday night. Crap. Back to school.
Somehow, I want to just stay here and stay relaxed. I miss just relaxing. Haha! My first vacation in 2007 is THE best - a trip here, in Hong Kong, only with my siblings. My first trip abroad! It's our folks' Christmas gift and I do wish they were here with us. They would've enjoyed so much with us!
Gotta go. See ya'll soon! :D
(More stories when I get back - so not ready to! Haha!)
|
|
| So I'm "Almost Perfect" - yay? Haha! |
[17 Dec 2006|08:28am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Beyonce >> Irreplaceable |
] |
Almost Perfect- INFP
40% Extraversion, 53% Intuition, 40% Thinking, 26% Judging |
So, you want to make the world a better place? Too bad it's never gonna happen.
Of all the types, you have to be one of the hardest to find fault in. You have a selfless and caring nature. You're a good listener and someone who wants to avoid conflict. You genuinely desire to do good.
Of course, these all add up to an incredibly overpowered conscience which makes you feel guilty and responsible when anything goes wrong. Of course, it MUST be your fault EVERYTIME.
Though you're constantly on a mission to find the truth, you have no use for hard facts and logic, which is a source of great confusion for those of us with brains. Despite this, in a losing argument, you're not above spouting off inaccurate fact after fact in an effort to protect your precious values.
You're most probably a perfectionist, which in this case, is a bad thing. Any group work is destined to fail because of your incredibly high standards.
Disregard what I said before. You're just easy to find fault in as everyone else!
Luckily, you're generally very hard on yourself, meaning I don't need to waste my precious time insulting you. Instead, just find all your own faults and insult yourself.
*****************
If you want to learn more about your personality type in a slightly less negative way, check out this.
*****************
The other personality types are as follows...
Loner - Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving
Pushover - Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Criminal - Introverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving
Borefest - Introverted Sensing Thinking Judging
Freak - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
Loser - Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving
Crackpot - Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
Clown - Extraverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving
Sap - Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Commander - Extraverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving
Do Gooder - Extraverted Sensing Thinking Judging
Scumbag - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
Busybody - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
Prick - Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving
Dictator - Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
|
 |
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
You scored higher than 99% on Extraversion |
|
You scored higher than 99% on Intuition |
|
You scored higher than 99% on Thinking |
|
You scored higher than 99% on Judging |
|
|
|
| Christmas tree on Fire!!! |
[09 Dec 2006|11:31am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 horrified |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Chris Brown >> Run It |
] |
Just a few minutes ago, our Christmas tree was on fire! It was so scary! :O
I was surfing the net when I heard Jake ask how come our Christmas lights aren't working when they were before we left for mass. Then, he shouted, "Nasusunog ang Christmas tree!" From where I was seated, I could see the small flame on the topmost part of the tree. Immediately, I ran downstairs. My Lola Deng was going hysterical, calling everyone to help. Ate Yvette and Monique ran out of their room to help. We were all blasting the flame with water from our tabos. Then, frustrated because we weren't hitting the flame (it was blocked by all our huge silver Christmas balls plus, it's near the trunk of the tree so aiming for it was difficult), I got a moist towel from our CR and used it to extinguish the flame, which at that time was already "dripping" flaming-melted plastic "pine leaves." It was a horrible experience.
Truth is that, while I was watching that tiny flame lick away at our tree, I was reminded of my grade school classmate, Pat Valera, who lost some family members during high school when his house burned in December, allegedly because of their Christmas lights. I'm so glad nothing like that happened. Rest in their peace to their souls.
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| Like a werewolf |
[04 Dec 2006|03:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
stressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Emma Bunton >> So Nice (Summer Samba) |
] |
Today was interesting. So many highs and lows between very short time intervals. At the end of the day, I felt like a soggy french fry. Crap. I don't like it when my moods exhaust my body. It gets in the way of my "efficiency," especially when I'm working to meet deadlines.
- - -
My poetry teacher, Sir DM Reyes, suggested in class once that one of the best ways to release tension or whatever crap we store or hide inside our fucked-up selves is to howl at the full moon while in the middle of a field. Howl like a werewolf would. Howl like no one would hear. Howl like it's your swan song.
Last night, the moon was full. The sky was clear, save for some fluid, misty looking clouds that passed by the moon once in a while. Silver rays enveloped the world. I watched the sky and the atmosphere as I phoned a friend. The silver rays were enough light for me outside the house. It was beautiful.
Some day, I hope to howl like a werewolf would. Maybe I'd feel better. Here's a cyber shout then:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
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| MAC (My Advertising Class) |
[22 Nov 2006|04:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 energetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Gwen Stefani >> Wind It Up |
] |
I'm finally got myself in an advertising elective. Thanks to Evi's rambling about her experiences in ad, I really got into ad (I'll get my rambling revenge on her! Haha). Plus, my teacher says that if you love it enough, it could take you places. Again, the passion-play and the pending hardwork and the conditional "if." I'm prepared anyway. I like the challenge. I love the new stimulation. Everything is fresh and I'm so excited. Maybe it could be another career alternative for me, if my journalism career fails me.
I'm happy that my teacher lemme in. I'm the only senior who isn't a Comm major in a class of 17 sophomores, 2 German exchange students, 1 junior, and 1 super senior (also of another course). I had to email her pa just to load rev myself in since it's a class only for Comm majors. Because she lemme in, my teacher has some level of expectation from me and I will work hard not to disappoint. Grrr...
Also, thanks to this new class, I've no more Tuesday no classes. I don't like sandwiching a holiday between classes - kakatamad eh. It gives me reasons to slack off. Haha! Geekazoid!
I'm aiming for an A or B+ in my ad class, so hopefully I could take the following ad courses next year, in my fifth year (there, I wrote "fifth year" without cringing or getting sentimental). Although I just met my group mates, I'm glad that I feel the spunk in them to do really good and I feel like such an ass for my wrong impressions about them. Again, I take 'em all back. Sorry!
Shucks, it's so the time to be thinking about life after graduation. This is it!!!
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| About fading |
[21 Nov 2006|02:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Evanescence >> Call Me When You're Sober |
] |
When you wake up
one day and realize
that you are fading
away in a familiar
place where people used to
call your name and
know you,
not just by face...
...what will you do?
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| Apologies and humility |
[11 Nov 2006|05:41am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Panic! At the Disco >> Lying is the most fun a girl can do.. |
] |
Why are we, Filipinos, excessively apologetic?
It's not a bad thing, really. But it's strange how many of us apologize even when we're not at fault. I know certain people who, for some reason, always have "sorry" at the end of their every text message or even sentence when we talk.
While humility is good, sometimes overusing the tools of humility makes humility itself cheap and worse, false. I don't want to find myself at that point.
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| About worrying |
[09 Nov 2006|05:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Vonda Shepard >> World Without Love |
] |
My dad keeps telling me to stop worrying because worrying leads to fear and fear leads to panic and that's not a good thing. How annoying! I mean, how can I stop worrying? Distract myself? Yeah, I've done that. What else can I do?
Worrying is like an instinct. It's automatic, almost animalistic in nature. It's NOT like a switch you can just turn off. It takes training to acquire a habit that'd be kind of like the antithesis of worrying - shucks, how the fuck can I learn that and how soon can I? I definitely need the habit now.
I get my dad's point though. Worrying, more often, is useless. It gives stress, not just to ourselves but also to those who concerned around us, and adds wrinkles to our faces. Hay naku... I want to stop worrying na. But how the fuck can I when it's my health I'm worried about? Damn it.
(To those concerned, I'm healthy. It's really no big deal. I just get a lil obsessed with worrying when I feel bumps on what I believe should be my smooth road.)
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| About people who share birthdays |
[02 Nov 2006|04:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
chipper |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Melanie Brown >> In Too Deep |
] |
I have a silly knack for finding and making patterns. I like seeing how my siblings and I are similar (I blame my fiction workshop last semester for this) - the common traits share, the traits we got individually from mom and dad, etc.
I also have a silly fondness for birthdays. I believe that birthdays are important. Well, of course, there! Birthdays rock despite the occasional blues over getting a year older and still single or unemployed or whatever! I believe that people who share the same birthday also share certain traits about themselves. Hmm... Wala lang. It's a thing. Silly, I know, but I can't help it! Haha!
So far, the only folks I know who share my birthday (May 20 - mark it bitches, ha!) are: Ate Katwo (Ate's kabarkada in high school), Justin (my cousin), this classmate in grade school (if I remember correctly, his name is Mico), and Cher (yes, of Sonny and Cher). I wonder what our binding factor is besides our birthday.
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| Pissed |
[29 Oct 2006|07:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pissed off |
] |
I am so pissed.
It's fuckin difficult to act all cool and civilized when inside, you feel all too emotionally savage. Damn it.
P I S S E D.
To the fucker pissing me off: I wanna bite your head off and spit it to our neighbors' dumb ass rooster!!! ARGH!!! SCREW YOU!!!
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| Screwing pain |
[27 Oct 2006|11:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
worried |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Wreckers >> Leave the Pieces |
] |
I am ambivalent towards pain.
I am attracted to it in a sense that I cannot stop myself from finding and opening hidden and sealed boxes that always seem to release monsters that never fail to bruise my heart-skin and drench me in my own blood.
At the same time, I cocoon myself in rock-skin every time I smell a looming kind of pain aimed right at me.
I am ambivalent towards pain. There really is a thin line between love and hate.
|
|
| Haunted |
[16 Oct 2006|03:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
weird |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Evanescence >> Haunted |
] |
I am haunted and my phone is possessed.
Lately, I've been receiving old text messages I've long deleted. It's not a lag reaction, I'm sure, because it's not just random messages in the past few hours or days. It's the special text messages I've received in the past weeks, months, and even years (I've had my number since I was a sophomore in high school) that find their way back to my inbox - birthday messages, comfort messages during my shifting experience, some of the very few heart-wrenching quotes I received, congratulations about certain achievements, and memorable compliments or messages. In fact, some of these text messages I even wrote down my journal before I erased them.
Is this normal? Does it happen to everyone else?
Or, is the cosmos trying to send me some sort of cosmic message? If it is, I wonder what it could be.
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| Would you lie with me and just forget the world? |
[13 Oct 2006|11:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
chipper |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Snow Patrol >> Chasing Cars |
] |
This song has been stalking me the whole day and I am allowing it because it's beautiful. Beautiful song. Beautiful voice. Beautiful poetry.
"Chasing Cars"
by Snow Patrol
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
|
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| Because the world is uncanny |
[10 Oct 2006|07:46am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 shocked |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Nelly Furtado feat. Chris Martin >> All Good Things |
] |
Out of boredom, I typed different combinations of my name and some words that might be attached to it on google blogsearch. When I typed my first name and org position, tada! I found this blog. Check this out:
http://peterbarlow.blogspot.com/2006/10/its-been-nearly-year-little-rant.html
How is it possible that two Lionels can exist in opposite sides of the Earth (one in the Philippines and another in South Africa), both occupying the same position in their student newspapers?
This is totally strange. Again, the word that's been repeating in my head, "UNCANNY!"
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] |
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