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6:58 are you sure where my spark is?

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Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
Tuesday
July 11th, 2006 at 11:36pm
Knowing that Kevin fooled around with Marc while he was fooling around with me is messing with my head. I spoke with him on the phone today.... I still feel so strongly for him... I can't help it. I said that I smoke to relax myself. I have sex to relax myself... I was joking about the second part... but I don't know if he knew that. I'm kind of pushing him away because I don't want to let him back into my life. Sometimes I'm afraid he'll come running back to me and that scares me. I want out. He makes me want out more then anyone I've ever met... I want to talk to Marc. He has a tendency to make me feel better because he puts Kevin in his place in my mind. Just as pathetic as me.
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Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
Wednesday
May 31st, 2006 at 10:29pm
For a while there... I really thought I was getting better. I didn't realize how unstable I was. I called Kevin for the first time since he left two nights ago. The conversation was dryer then fucking sand in the Sahara. I was increadably happy I was able to talk to him, but, the way he answered the phone. He sounded dissapointed to pick up and see that it was me. I know I was dissapointed that I had to call... escpecially when I found out that he called Anthony randomly. Its thrown me right back into a spot where I don't want to be. I'm hurt, dissapointed, awkward, angry, melancholy... you know all of these thoughts. They're pretty recodnizeable considering I had all those entries that so bluntly stated that I wanted to off myself. Guess what, everyone. I'm back in the room, painted black. Filled with fantasies of ramming into a fellow driver and killing the other driver. Leaving me awake and functional I get out of the car. I'm entransed, walking over to the speed limit sign. Slice and dice. I take the broken glass. Slice and dice. Bleeding, I walk down to the canal. That's where I bubble down to the bottom.

The room shows premeres, re-makes, and re-runs movies like this a lot. If I could talk to my counselor about this.... oh wait, I think she's incompitent. I don't think she's qualified to help me. Her christianity is pushing me away. Her faith disgusts me. I can't listen to that shit she has playing in the waiting room. I can't look at all those God-Damed posters on her walls. That little bronze statue of two hands praying... I want to smash that through her window. Maybe if she didn't tell me she "understood my sexuality but doesn't agree with it" I wouldn't be seething. I was screaming in the fucking car before I got out. I want a different therepist. I want a cigarette. Why won't somebody buy for me, fucking christ.

I need somebody to hold me. Someone I'm comfortable watching me cry. I want to lay in Kevin's lap while he strokes my hair. Just like the night he picked me up when I was drunk. Just like the first night I broke down in his car. When I came to the realization he doesn't want me anymore. Still doesn't. I want to be happy. I took my first anti-depresent today. I had a very bad day. I'm going to have a worse one tomorrow. There really isn't any hope. I swear, if these things don't work in a month like they say they do. I'm gone. I can't stand this anymore. I can't stand being this horribly smashed.

If I'm going to be smashed... I don't want to feel it anymore. I don't want to feel anything like this anymore. Help....

maybe one of these days he'll call me. HAHAHHAHA yeah right. I'm not going to call him until that happens.

I WANT A FUCKING GUN.
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Sunday, October 30th, 2005
Sunday
October 30th, 2005 at 5:46pm
- yes i know what you think of me, you never shut up
i pledge allegiance to the flag
of the united states of america
one nation
indivisable
with liberty
and justice for all.

you dreamed a god up, and called it christianity.~NIN
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Thursday, June 30th, 2005
Thursday
June 30th, 2005 at 1:10am
I don't know why i got this, i guess, friends only. comment if you want to hear me bitch (be added).

current mood: contemplative
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