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6:58 are you sure where my spark is?

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Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
July 11th, 2006 at 11:36pm
Knowing that Kevin fooled around with Marc while he was fooling around with me is messing with my head. I spoke with him on the phone today.... I still feel so strongly for him... I can't help it. I said that I smoke to relax myself. I have sex to relax myself... I was joking about the second part... but I don't know if he knew that. I'm kind of pushing him away because I don't want to let him back into my life. Sometimes I'm afraid he'll come running back to me and that scares me. I want out. He makes me want out more then anyone I've ever met... I want to talk to Marc. He has a tendency to make me feel better because he puts Kevin in his place in my mind. Just as pathetic as me.
Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
May 31st, 2006 at 10:29pm
For a while there... I really thought I was getting better. I didn't realize how unstable I was. I called Kevin for the first time since he left two nights ago. The conversation was dryer then fucking sand in the Sahara. I was increadably happy I was able to talk to him, but, the way he answered the phone. He sounded dissapointed to pick up and see that it was me. I know I was dissapointed that I had to call... escpecially when I found out that he called Anthony randomly. Its thrown me right back into a spot where I don't want to be. I'm hurt, dissapointed, awkward, angry, melancholy... you know all of these thoughts. They're pretty recodnizeable considering I had all those entries that so bluntly stated that I wanted to off myself. Guess what, everyone. I'm back in the room, painted black. Filled with fantasies of ramming into a fellow driver and killing the other driver. Leaving me awake and functional I get out of the car. I'm entransed, walking over to the speed limit sign. Slice and dice. I take the broken glass. Slice and dice. Bleeding, I walk down to the canal. That's where I bubble down to the bottom.

The room shows premeres, re-makes, and re-runs movies like this a lot. If I could talk to my counselor about this.... oh wait, I think she's incompitent. I don't think she's qualified to help me. Her christianity is pushing me away. Her faith disgusts me. I can't listen to that shit she has playing in the waiting room. I can't look at all those God-Damed posters on her walls. That little bronze statue of two hands praying... I want to smash that through her window. Maybe if she didn't tell me she "understood my sexuality but doesn't agree with it" I wouldn't be seething. I was screaming in the fucking car before I got out. I want a different therepist. I want a cigarette. Why won't somebody buy for me, fucking christ.

I need somebody to hold me. Someone I'm comfortable watching me cry. I want to lay in Kevin's lap while he strokes my hair. Just like the night he picked me up when I was drunk. Just like the first night I broke down in his car. When I came to the realization he doesn't want me anymore. Still doesn't. I want to be happy. I took my first anti-depresent today. I had a very bad day. I'm going to have a worse one tomorrow. There really isn't any hope. I swear, if these things don't work in a month like they say they do. I'm gone. I can't stand this anymore. I can't stand being this horribly smashed.

If I'm going to be smashed... I don't want to feel it anymore. I don't want to feel anything like this anymore. Help....

maybe one of these days he'll call me. HAHAHHAHA yeah right. I'm not going to call him until that happens.

Sunday, October 30th, 2005
October 30th, 2005 at 5:46pm
- yes i know what you think of me, you never shut up
i pledge allegiance to the flag
of the united states of america
one nation
with liberty
and justice for all.

you dreamed a god up, and called it christianity.~NIN
Thursday, June 30th, 2005
June 30th, 2005 at 1:10am
I don't know why i got this, i guess, friends only. comment if you want to hear me bitch (be added).

current mood: contemplative

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