Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Chantal's LiveJournal:

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Monday, May 28th, 2012
7:23 pm	Eat, Pray, Love... By Elizabeth Gilbert Quotes from Book One: Italy (Eat) "I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life - so why did I feel like none of it resembled me?" p 13 "I equal parts loved him and could not stand him." p 13 "... he was still my lighthouse and my albatross in equal measure. The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving." p 14 "He was playing a character I had invented, which is somewhat telling. In desperate love, it's always like this, isn't it? In desperate love, we always invent the chracters of our partners, demaning that they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place." p 22 "I was despondent and dependent, needing more care than an armful of premature infant triplets. His withdrawal only made me more needy, and my neediness only advanced his withdrawals, until soon he was retreating under fire of my weeping pleas of, 'Where are you going? What happened to us?' (Dating tip: Men LOVE this)" p 25 "...how could two people who were so in love not end up happily ever after? It had to work. Didn't it? Reunited with fresh hopes, we'd share a few deliriously happy days together. Or sometimes even weeks. But eventually David would retreat from me once more and I would cling to him (or I would cling to him and he would retreat - we never could figure out how it got triggered) and I'd end up destroyed all over again. And he'd end up gone." p 28 "I wanted what the Greeks called kalos kai agathos, the singluar balance of the good and the beautiful." p 37 "L'abbiamo rotto (we broke it)." p 50 "Del centro della mia vita venne una grande fontana... From the center of my life, there came a great fountain..." p 51 "I think I deserve something beautiful." p 57 "Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend." p 71 "When I get lonely these days, I think: So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfilled yearnings." p 85 "To have issues with boundaries, on must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time - everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else." p 86 "We loved each other. That was never the question. It's just that we couldn't figure out how to stop making each other desperately, shriekingly, soul-punishingly miserable." p 107 "And the question now for me is, What are my choices to be? What do I believe that I deserve in this life? Where can I accept sacrifice, and where can I not?" p 110 "Beauty attracts beauty." p 112 "Do not apologize for crying. Without this emotion, we are only robots." p 114 "It's a reminder - when you're making a big deal out of explaining something, when you're searching for the right words - to keep your language as simple and direct as Roman food. Don't make a big production out of it. Just lay it on the table." p 115 "My word might be SEEK. (Then again, let's be honest - it might just as easily be HIDE)" p 139 "In a world of disorder and disaster and fraud, sometimes only beauty can be trusted." p 152 (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 27th, 2012
9:53 am	Sunday Morning Mythology Sometimes I feel as though I am Atlas, and you are the lost world I will forever carry with me. Posted via m.livejournal.com. (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 26th, 2012
12:44 am	Sort Of - Ingrid Michaelson This is easily one of the most beautifully heart breaking and incredibly identifiable songs I've been introduced to in a long while... This. Simply this... Baby you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart And baby you've got the sort of face to start this old heart But your eyes are warning me this early morning That my love's too big for you my love Baby you've got the sort of laugh that waters me And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me I find you stunning, but you are running me down My love's too big for you my love My love's too big for you my love And if I was stronger then I would tell you no And if I was stronger then I will leave this show And if I was stronger then I would up and go But here I am and here we go again Baby you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales That you don't need me, but you won't leave me My love's too big for you my love My love's too big for you my love And if I was stronger then I would tell you no And if I was stronger then I will leave this show And if I was stronger then I would up and go But here I am and here we go again Tell me what to do to take away the you? And if I was stronger then I would tell you no. And if I was stronger then I will leave this show And if I was stronger then I would up and go But here I am and here we go again (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 24th, 2012
6:14 pm	"Cuando te toca, ni aunque te quites, y cuando no te toca, ni aunque te pongas." (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 23rd, 2012
10:42 pm	My Worst Fear... My absolute worst fear in the world, is finding the love of my life and then out living them. I have never been able to fathom a more heartbreaking scenario than that. In the most selfish of ways I hope I never have to experience it. My maternal grandmother outlived my grandfather by a decade. My paternal grandfather outlived my grandmother by even longer. But, perhaps one can take solace in the fact that they had lived their lives together. Raised children who were now adults, with lives of their own. But, this... To be so young, so vibrant. So full of potential and love. Life had only just begun! This is the saddest news I can possibly imagine. Thought and prayers and love xoxoxoxo. (Comment on this)
7:25 pm	"Non, je ne regrette rien..." I've become better acquainted with Edith Piaf this last couple of days... But I can't say I identify with this particular song, though I try to live in the best way I know how. I have one true regret. But today as I walked up to the customs line, waiting to get back into the country... I may have happened upon another. Tears streamed down my face in an instant. It breaks my heart that I did not come pick you up at the airport. I had a sign in mind and everything. But I felt so nervous and I got so scared. And when I wanted to change my mind, people told me I would never make it. I walked out the doors today thinking about how lonely it must have felt coming home from a year abroad and meeting no one on the other side. I have loved you so much and for so long. How could I not be there... Why was I so withholding? Sometimes I wish I could go back to last October and start it all again. I don't know if in the long run it would have made a difference to where we find ourselves now... but I know it is something I would have done differently. And least then I would know I really did do my best from the beginning. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry.... If I could take it back I would. But, I can't. I'm so sorry. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 16th, 2012
2:44 pm	Dear Student, I have more than 150 of you assigned to me. Please do not call me and launch into a rant assuming I know who you are. NAME and ID are a requirement. Sincerely, Chantal (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 15th, 2012
3:46 pm	The Optimism Bias Tali Sharot: "The Optimism Bias" http://youtu.be/B8rmi95pYL0 "Anticipation makes them happy..." A very interesting statement, that I feel is particularly relevant to my recent history. I feel, now, in retrospect, that so much of my happiness has been based on anticipation, rather than concrete mutual understandings and commitments. Perception versus Reality: Where do they diverge? Why do they veer off course? And how do we know when this is happening? (Comment on this)
Monday, May 14th, 2012
11:27 am	Ralph Waldo Emerson "The things that are really for thee gravitate to thee. You are running to seek your friend. Let your feet run, but your mind need not. If you do not find him, will you not acquiesce that it is best you should not find him? For there is a power, which, as it is in you, is in him also, and could therefore very well bring you together, if it were for the best. You are preparing with eagerness to go and render a service to which your talent and your taste invite you, the love of men and the hope of fame. Has it not occurred to you, that you have no right to go, unless you are equally willing to be prevented from going? 0, believe, as thou livest, that every sound that is spoken over the round world, which thou oughtest to hear, will vibrate on thine ear! Every proverb, every book, every byword that belongs to thee for aid or comfort shall surely come home through open or winding passages. Every friend whom not thy fantastic will, but the great and tender heart in thee craveth, shall lock thee in his embrace. And this, because the heart in thee is the heart of all; not a valve, not a wall, not an intersection is there anywhere in nature, but one blood rolls uninterruptedly an endless circulation through all men, as the water of the globe is all one sea, and, truly seen, its tide is one." (Comment on this)
11:09 am	There are no gaurantees... "Look at it with your heart," she told me. "It's not a bad thing. Or a wrong thing. Or a dysfunctional thing... It's a growing thing." This is a time I need to take full advantage of. I'm tough, but not quite strong. In fact, in many regards I am very weak. Brittle... I need to find balance... I've been told this before. I need to find my centre. It's there... Between breaths... I just need to focus. (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 12th, 2012
10:29 pm	"Everyone has a destiny... not everyone chooses to follow theirs." (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, May 11th, 2012
2:08 pm	This Dark Endeavour - Kenneth Oppel "Around her I feel like a pale, feeble moth. It's all I can do to avoid her flame." p 147 "I cannot control your will... only you can do that. And I wonder sometimes if you have the discipline to do so." p 155 (Comment on this)
9:52 am	Will power and restraint I have come to a realization... an epiphany if you will... I am utterly incapable of dealing with discomfort... especially not on my own and I will stop at few things to make myself feel better... even if it is to the detriment of the needs of others. Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 9th, 2012
4:46 pm	Came across this in one of the resource binders left to me from an experienced teacher: "A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions." -Oliver Wendell Holmes (Comment on this)
Monday, May 7th, 2012
10:42 am	Gavatron Love "I didn't waste much time marrying her as I never could think of not marrying her...seemed sensible logic and I stand by it" Today I caught up with a friend I haven't talked to in ages. He has a wife... and a child now! I was so surpised! But he said this to me and I understood. It is by far one of the most loveliest sentiments I have ever encountered. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 4th, 2012
6:44 pm	Metamorphosis It seems strange but the last couple of days I've been surrounded by butterflies. Reminiscing in that old diary... he used to call me "butterfly", he wasn't usually "sweet", but when he was it was lovely. One landed above Jasmine and I during our chat yesterday... They have been fluttering by me on campus.... Today I woke up and stood by my bedroom window, staring out into the world, and one landed right in front of me... It stuck around for a while too. I love this. This reminder of change and growth and development. Rebirth and new beginnings. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:11 am	Turning 30: 30 Things Every Woman Should Have And Should Know In 1997 Glamour magazine printed this piece written by Pamela Redmond Satran. I remember the email forwards coming in high school... I've got less than 2 years until I hit the landmark. Let's take a look at how far I've come, and how far I have left to go... My comments and reflections are in italics By 30, you should have ... 1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come. Check?... well, right now I've got the last bit anyway. 2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family. Check. My black tall back side chair comes to mind. 3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour. Check to the man of my dreams... still working on the professional wardrobe, it's getting better. 4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying. Check. Check. Check... although I could do cuter in the suitcase and umbrella departments. 5. A youth you’re content to move beyond. Check. Most definitely ready for the next stages of life, although, I would argue, that I'll likely always be quite youthful. 6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age. Check. I have chosen to do many things, simply for the story I could tell. 7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it. Check. My to do list includes starting an RRSP... haha 8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you. Check. Check. Check. 9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded. Check... It's quite a number of pages now... but I think it includes a lot of valuable experiences. 10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry. Check...I've got many wonderful friends, old and new who allow me to do both. I am very blessed. 11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra. Check... I borrow my uncle's... Check... x2 12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it. Check... most recently... An impromptu trip to France and a boat load of S&D jewelry. 13. The belief that you deserve it. Check... I absolutely deserve it! I work hard... in both my personal and professional lives. I need to pay more attention to myself and be better to myself than I am. 14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30. In theory I have a skin-care regimen... haha... it includes a difficult to follow diet haha... The exercise routine is getting back on track. No plan, just yet... :S Perhaps this is a point to work on. 15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better. An astounding check to the first one... man... that feels good, it's been a long time coming... I have many satisfying relationships... it's just unfortunate that it can't be said on the romantic front... By 30, you should know ... 1. How to fall in love without losing yourself. Nope... no idea... 2. How you feel about having kids. I think I know... I will eventually want them, I just don't know when that will be... 3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship. This is something I pride myself in. I don't tend to burn bridges, people are not disposable to me... 4. When to try harder and when to walk away. Again, no idea... I have a hard time walking away from anything, even when I know it's in my best interest. 5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next. I think I might be ok with this.... but could also, perhaps, use a bit of practice. ;) 6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town. Hilary Clinton... even though I'm Canadian... Great Grandmothers?... nope... Gran Ty Coch... was what my father's father's mother was called colloquially... My facourite place to get alterations is the woman at Westmount. 7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to. Yes... (except for maybe the gourmet cooking)... I like it very much. 8. Where to go -- be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat -- when your soul needs soothing. I have some ideas.... but don't have a consistent go to at the moment. 9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents. Check... these things I do know.... the last one, I need a reminder on sometimes. 10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over. Yep... and I'm totally ok with this. 11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love. I say I know... but I don't always stick to it. 12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long. I still don't floss as much as I should. 13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally. I usually trust by default... when people show me I can't trust them, then I don't.... I'm still working on not taking it personally. 14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault. I will always apologize for making people feel bad. I think people need to be accountable for that more often. I will not apologize for my own feelings. Ever. Today someone told me, "An 'I'm sorry,' is free, and it can buy you a lot back"... I liked this sentiment, and believed it to be true.... BUT... only if it's sincere... you can only say it so many times, before it becomes meaningless. 15. Why they say life begins at 30 A couple of years ago, I was terrified of thirty... Now, I am actually looking forward to it. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 3rd, 2012
10:41 pm	My worst fear... My absolute worst fear in the world, is finding the love of my life and then out living them. I have never been able to fathom a more heartbreaking scenario than that. In the most selfish of ways I hope I never have to experience it. My maternal grandmother outlived my grandfather by a decade. My paternal grandfather outlived my grandmother by even longer. Having given up his job to be with her has her health deteriorated. But, perhaps one can take solace in the fact that they had lived their lives together. Raised children who were now adults, with lives of their own. But, this... To be so young, so vibrant. So full of potential and love. Life had only just begun! This is the saddest news I can possibly imagine. Thought and prayers and love xoxoxoxo. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 1st, 2012
10:19 pm	“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. - F Scott Fitzgerald" (2 Comments |Comment on this)
1:53 am	I emailed him once... to ask... "Am I wasting my time" and he said he didn't want to speak out of turn, which of course I understood... but, he was sure if I took out the history, the projections and all of my emotions, I would see it all there.... What a strange thing to say, I thought... I asked, what is left of a relationship if history, projections and most importantly, emotions, are removed... To me the answer was nothing. I guess that was what he was trying to tell me. (Comment on this)