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Road trip recap




Josh and I go back a long way. Pretty much all the way back to the day he came home from the hospital. I was ten. Months. Our mothers were friends, and since his wasn't working she made a perfect victim for babysitting duty. We grew up together for a few years, quickly becoming best friends and we've always maintained contact since. So of course when he asked me if I wanted to go with him on a road trip halfway across the country, I told him no way. I told him I couldn't afford it, particularly in light of my being "unofficially" unemployed for at least a month.

About half a week before he intended to leave, Josh phoned me up.

"What is it going to take to get you to come with me on this trip?"

Fortunately Josh was able to combat my stubbornness as well as work out a plan where he could pick me up at home in Charlotte so I didn't have to meet him in Atlanta. What followed was a week full of more time than I ever want to spend in a car again, crazy niggas, and lots and lots of corn.

Day 1

So Josh received an attractive offer to take his doctorate at the University of Nebraska, and he wanted to meet them in person and check it out, as well as check out some important places around the country like Mount Rushmore. The plan was to leave Tampa around noon on Saturday after his soon-to-be-fiancée completed an exam and head straight up to Charlotte to pick me up, then head through the mountains as far as we could get that night.



A-Tampa
B-Gainesville
C-Jacksonville
D-Savannah
E-Columbia
F-Charlotte

Josh rented a V6 Dodge Charger for the trip and made the journey to Charlotte in a record eight hours. After bidding farewell to my folks and my cat, we raced another five or six hours West, through the mountains. In the rain. At night. We stopped only briefly at a mountain town Burger King, then crashed for the night in Knoxville, TN.



A-Charlotte
B-Asheville
C-Knoxville

Day 2

After a quick shower and the requisite Starbucks pit stop, we were on the road again. The goal today was to make it up to Iowa Falls, home of Josh's friend Bill, in time for dinner.



A-Knoxville
B-Lexington
C-Louisville
D-Indianapolis
E-Peoria
F-Iowa Falls

Now that the morning sun had vanquished the horrible night, we were able to see the country on the other side of the mountains for what it really was: corn. Hundreds and hundreds of miles of nothing but corn. What do you people do with all that corn?



In order to better cope with the maize monotony, Amber's portable DVD player was patched into the Charger's sound system. Selections throughout the trip included the 2004 Phantom of the Opera (surprisingly not bad when I paid attention), Blazing Saddles (surprisingly not as funny as I remembered) and Carlos Mencia's Not for the Easily Offended. This would prove to be an important influence on our adventure, with one sketch in particular making an impression:

"You white people astonish me. I turn on the Discovery Channel, you will go to any goddamn place in the world to fuck with crazy animals. You will go to the fucking Congo, you will go to goddamn Peru, you will go to fucking Brazil and the Amazon. You will go anywhere to find a fucking animal and play with it...but you wont go to Oakland 'cause a nigger might shoot you. Am I the only one that sees that as a little fucking weird? But I turn on the TV and there you are -

[Carlos imitates Steve Irwin, which is funny enough that a Mexican is speaking with an Australian accent, but is even better because it's dead-on]: 'This is most dangerous animal in the world! One bite can kill you instantaneously! I'm gonna put my finger up its asshole.'

'Hey, lets go get some fried chicken in Oakland.'

[Irwin again]: 'Those niggers are crazy! They run really fast and they'll chase you.'"

The last line in particular would become a new politically incorrect catchphrase.

Thanks to Josh's competitive driving and the time zone we crossed, and in spite of some Dorothy-in-Kansas-looking weather we made good time to Iowa Falls, arriving well before 8:00. Iowa Falls is a quaint-but-in-a-charming-way sort of town, big enough to have a Walmart, albeit one that closes at 8 or 9 and could be dwarfed by some of the gas stations we'd seen on our trip. The downtown looked like it dated from the '40s, and the cinema was beautifully renovated. Bill's parents lived on the outskirts of town, which wasn't very far from the inskirts. The house stood behind a small garage warehouse that Bill's father owns part of, and their very own vineyard. The place was gorgeous, particularly the recently-added guest suite where Josh and Amber got to stay. Bill's folks treated us far too well as we dined from the grill, sampled some homebrewn wines (I wouldn't recommend they quit their day jobs but Josh seemed to like it) and shot some bad pool while listening to the jukebox Bill's father had partially restored skip 45s like nobody's business.

Day 3

Morning came sooner for some than others, and I kept myself occupied reading Neal Stephenson's Snow Crash while waiting for Josh and Amber to rise. Before long we were on the road to Nebraska, after which the plan was to get to South Dakota and then as far along towards Rushmore as we could get.



A-Iowa Falls
B-Des Moines
C-Omaha
D-Lincoln
E-Sioux City
F-Sioux Falls
G-Murdo

We arrived at the University of Nebraska around noon and found our way to the School of Music. After we dropped Amber off with the opera singer/vocal trainer Miss Bybee, I sat in on Josh's meeting with Dr. Carolyn Barber. The two immediately warmed up to each other like a couple of band geeks chatting about the things they love and that inspire them, rather than any sort of snooty formal university meeting. I really don't think things could have gone better for Josh, even to the point that Dr. Barber was jotting down some of his program ideas. She even revealed the piece that would be selected for his conducting audition, which he ordinarily wouldn't be told till two weeks prior to the audition date.

Josh invited Dr. Barber to lunch and we tracked down Amber, who seemed to have a similarly positive meeting. As it turns out, Miss Bybee had spent over 15 years singing with the Metropolitan Opera in New York, and has even performed with Pavarotti! Better still, she seemed very impressed with Amber.

Miss Bybee and her husband had their own lunch plans, so our party of four made its way to the local Applebee's to shoot the shit. It was here that I learned from Dr. Barber that a) on game day in Lincoln, you damn well better be wearing red and b) when the 80,000 seat stadium is filled, it becomes the third largest city in Nebraska (after Omaha and Lincoln itself).

Following lunch we reconvened in Dr. Barber's office to wrap up all of the details Josh would need to know. After a quick look around the university bookstore (which stocked more Cornhuskers merchandise than anything else), we backtracked through Omaha and were off to Sioux Falls, SD, due North. We stopped for way too much fattening food at the local Olive Garden, then began our trek West on I-90.

It is important that you understand a few things about I-90. It is the only way to get anywhere remotely populated in South Dakota, and is a four lane highway that runs lengthwise through the entire state. There are no curves, no hills, no overpasses (indeed, nothing to pass over)...at this point, even the corn had finally come to an end.



We drove and we drove till we (by "we" I mean "Josh") couldn't drive anymore. We made it as far as a town called Murdo and began to seek lodging. Murdo is remarkable for about a dozen hotels, four gas stations (two of which accept credit at the pump) and not a damn thing else. Yet somehow, here in the middle of nowhere, we struggled to find a room. The clerk at the Days Inn finally acquiesced to permit us to occupy the room reserved for handicapped customers. As it turned out, the place was more hunting lodge than inn, with wooden construction everywhere and a lobby that was a taxidermist's wet dream. They even preserved the testimonials on the black bear. Not a bad place though.

Day 4

After eating a quick breakfast in full view of a bear's wang and finding a gas station built in the 20th century, it was back to our friend I-90. The itinerary called for us to drive through the Badlands along the way to Keystone, stopping at anything interesting along the way and generally taking it a bit easier than we had been.



A-Murdo
B-Wall
C-Rapid City
D-Keystone
E-Sioux Falls

As we traversed the most boring landscape ever, we began to take notice of billboards promising a "ghost town". Intrigued, we pulled off at the appropriate exit to investigate. What we found was a small store in the middle of nowhere with a "ghost town" scene painted on one long wall. It was so lame, we didn't even honor it with a picture. And we took pictures of corn on this trip.

Returning to the highway, the roadside signs now began to advertise a location called 1880 Town. Reassuring ourselves that it couldn't be more bullshit than the ghost town, we decided to check it out. It turned out to be pretty interesting, containing lots of authentic relics of the era. They also appeared to be quite proud of their Dances with Wolves prop collection, as parts of the movie were filmed in 1880 Town. The Saloon was most impressive, having been nicely restored and "operational" - I paid a buck for a tasty Sarsaparilla. We got a lot of good pics of the 1880 Town, and I made a new friend while we were there:



We decided to be off before we ran out of time for everything else in the day. Before long we arrived at the Badlands. The views here were breathtaking, but after taking a bunch of pictures and making it about halfway through the 30 mile, Winnebago-clogged byway at 35 mph we had seen enough.

As soon as we crossed the South Dakota border Monday evening, we started seeing billboards for "world famous" Wall Drug, but had no idea where the place was, with its free ice water and five cent coffee. As it turns out, the Badlands byway just happens to come out to Wall. Starving as we were by then, we decided to check it out. Wall looked like a real interesting place for tourists with plenty of cash, but as soon as we saw the sign that said Wall Drug didn't take Visa or Mastercard we were back on the highway. You lose, Wall Drug.

Soon we reached Rapid City, half an hour from Keystone, home of Mt. Rushmore. We could tell we were close by the density of the tourist traps. We stopped for lunch in Keystone, then headed for our destination. As we came up and around the hill, our ears popping (a common experience on this trip), it could be seen from the road:



We spent a long time at Rushmore, taking pictures, climbing the Presidential Trail, learning a bit about the monument and its creator, Gutzon Borglum, and just generally sucking it all in. We then headed to check out the nearby Crazy Horse Memorial. Since the monument is still a work in progress you can only approach so close, but there is a museum on site...with a $25 cover charge. We took a quick turn through the parking lot, snapped a couple of photos and departed for Keystone.

Keystone is a really fun tourist-y town. There are plenty of shops selling completely useless crap that you would never buy if it was sold in your own city. While we were in Keystone we:

• ate buffalo burgers served by a hot Romanian waitress (they taste just like hamburgers, just less greasy - the buffalo burgers, not the Romanians);
  
• saw a 7'2" man crack a whip at least as long as he was tall in the middle of the road;
  
• had Josh and Amber's portrait shot in period costumes and sepia tones;
  
• and loitered around the Gutzon Borglum museum (closed at 7), hanging out with our pal Abe:

As the day came to an end, we made our dreaded return to I-90. Fortunately, there was nothing to stop us from testing the limits of our rental vehicle, and we made it all the way back to Sioux Falls before stopping to sleep. The next morning we were off to Minnesota, to take Amber to the Mall of America.

Day 5

A-Sioux Falls
B/C-Minneapolis/Bloomington
D-Madison

Before we went to the mall we stopped for breakfast at Perkins. Something I have noticed on this trip is that every locale in the country seems to have Perkins except Charlotte. Seriously, screw you Perkins.

We arrived at the Mall of America in the afternoon, and you know what? It's big. In fact, it is Too Damn Big. My criteria for Too Damn Big^TM is as follows: the place has two Starbucks and two Caribou Coffees. This makes it too big because it means that there are customers who might like some vaguely coffee-esque beverage but would not purchase one if there were only one or two coffee vendors because it would be too far to walk. Oh my god so much walking. Amber seemed to like it though, and the steakhouse we ate at served draught 1919 Root Beer. Oh man that stuff needs a nationwide distributor.

We wanted to hit Chicago on the way back home, so after we departed the Mall of America, we cut through Wisconsin. Before we made it a mile however, the Poopyman struck (as Josh is so fond of putting it). And when the Poopyman calls, he doesn't use 1-800-Collect. Let's just say I hadn't written a...movement for my symphony since before we left Charlotte. All of a sudden I felt like I was having a baby.

That drama dealt with (if you work at the Bloomington Target, I'm really sorry), we were on our way. We made it just outside of Madison before calling it a night.

Day 6

A-Madison
B-Chicago
C-Indianapolis
D-Cincinnati
E-Lexington
F-Knoxville

After stopping to buy cheese (you have to do that in Wisconsin, don't you?), we headed for Chicago, in the hopes of eating us some Giordano's pizza for lunch. Man what a mistake. Chicago may be the worst place to drive in the world. It's certainly the worst I've ever seen. And man, everywhere you look is ghetto. There are some beautiful churches though, and I wish I'd gotten some pictures of them. The only parking provided anywhere is parallel - people don't even have driveways or garages. They don't teach us Florida boys to parallel park. It isn't on the test.

We were sort of winging it to find a Giordano's - Josh's mom on the phone looking up locations on their website with her AOL connection while I tried to find out how to get to them with our not-quite-adequate maps. We pulled off in the ghetto to end all ghettos, trying to find Hyde Park. We saw a billboard that read "I see black people", and we certainly did. These niggas were crazy. They'd run right out in traffic as if they couldn't get hit.



We did finally manage to find the Giordano's, and even got parked (luckily there were a few spots in a row open across the street). That pizza is certainly might tasty, but man it is a labor of love. We probably waited 40 minutes for it to be prepared. Having had our fill of Chicago, we got it to go and tried to get the Hell out of Dodge. Easier said than done, as even after we figured out how to get back on the highway, we were stuck in traffic all the way through Gary, Indiana. Snails were laughing at us. All told, it took us four hours just to drive through Chicago. I don't need to go back anytime soon.

Arriving in Indiana, it was back to the scenic corn. Our AAA TripTik had us get from Indianapolis to Lexington by way of Cincinnati this time, instead of Louisville as on the way up. We drove straight through till we got to Knoxville, almost to the same exit we stopped at on our way North.

Day 7

A-Knoxville
B-Asheville
C-Charlotte

We started the last morning of our journey off with breakfast at the requisite Cracker Barrel. After putting on some pounds, it was back through the mountains (they look much more beautiful during the day) and eventually back home to Charlotte. Josh and Amber still had an 8 hour or so trip back to Florida, so they were soon gone, to return the Charger the next morning with five thousand new miles on it. Enough rambling though - if you've made it this far, by gum you deserve some pictures. You'll find mine (plus one that Josh took of some large mice) on my Flickr account here, and I've uploaded Josh and Amber's pictures to Photobucket here. That's all folks!