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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in BrittSKAny Tease's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, February 1st, 2006
11:36 am

I'm going with my mom today. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm meeting her at her work after I stop by SAIL. I miss living with her. I miss our arguements that start as something so small and then end me up in handcuffs and in the back of a cop car. Yes, I'm twisted. But I know that she loves me somewhere, deep down. She may not like me alot and she may not agree with the way I choose to live, but I know that even though she doesn't accept me totally for who I am, she loves me for the parts of myself that she helped put in me. The one person that I can always turn to, hasn't been the person I've always turned to. And that's fucked up on my part. I'm not the best kid in the world, but I would die for her. I really hope she understands that even though I can't stand her sometimes, I love her all the time.



Awww...Okay, now that I've passed all that ickymushylovey stuff I can continue with all the other shit that's in my head.



I'm easing away from the suicidal thoughts. It's funny because I realized that the harder life gets, the louder I laugh at how the whole world is trying to bring me down. But when things are good, I'm a wreck. I don't know what's wrong with me or why I'm so backward about things, but I kinda like it..there's another thing that's disturbing. I was talking to one of my friends last night. She's going through a tough time..a time that I remeber perfectly, so I'm trying to be there for her, but at the same time it's killing me. I've been trying for almost 3 years now to get past this issue and it seems like lately it's all I've noticed. It's all coming back. My nightmares. Talking about it. Not being able to talk about it completely. The embarassment. The shame. Those same feelings I got...feeling dirty and wanting to keep myself hidden and covered. I told her last night that this problem is in some ways my baby. Like it's my child. And it just keeps growing with each passing year and I don't want to raise my "baby" in shit like that. How I'd want to shelter and nurture it and keep it away from that, but it's like no matter what I do..my "baby" is going to hear about it, think about it, see it, remember it. She asked me why I would call it my baby and I told her it's cuz I'm just a nutcase and I see things all distorted. I never thought that going through that would help me heal another person. It really is true when people say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and "someday you'll help someone who is going/or went through the same thing you did/or have"



I'm worried about this month. I feel an uproar on the way. It could just be because I'm living with my dad now and his whole family are nothing but racsist bigots...don't get me wrong I love em, they're my family, but shit...some people can be so ignorant sometimes. It makes me sick to my stomach to hear people laugh and joke about the horrid things that happened to black people in the past. And not just black people, but jews, and any other group of people who faught for freedom. It's bullshit that through all of these years, some people are still so dumb. It really blows my mind. It's not even about conformity...it's about the rights and respects of others around you.



I'm talking to Will online. He's a cool kid. He's gonna be my Valentine this year. He's fun. We're gonna go to an Italian resturaunt then go see All Shall Perish. Score! What an awsome Vday to look forward to!



This days okay. I guess it could be better, but I dunno how to make it any better...so I'll settle for this. I hope nothing fucks up me and my mom's visit today. That would ruin it all.

Friday, January 20th, 2006
11:55 am
CORRECTION
I don't want this journal anymore. I got a new one. Add me if ya want. Tease_Diseased
Wednesday, January 18th, 2006
12:10 pm
Okay..I put in my answers
T h e | B a s i c s | a n d | s t u f f . . .
- Name: Brittany
- Birthplace: Tallahassee, Florida
- Birthday Month: January
- Current Location: Chav's classroom
- Eye color: In between borwn and green
- Hair color: Black with random bleach and pinkish spots that are sneaking back in
- Height: 5'3
- Righty or Lefty: Lefty
- Zodiac sign: Capricorn
- Your heritage: Jewish, English, Indian, Irish
- Shoes you wore today: My pink converse look-a-likes
- Fears: The dark, being alone, myself
- Your perfect pizza: Thin crust with extra cheese and black olives and muSHROOMS
- Goal you'd like to achieve: Get out of Second Chance, move out of both of my parents house and get my own, get a job
- Your thoughts first waking up: "If he doesn't get the fuck out of my room and stop yelling at me...". My dad comes into my room early and will just sit there and tell me to get up over and over and he'll shake my head. It's annoying as hell.
- Your bedtime: It varies, usually late
- Pepsi or coke: Neither
- McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King
- Single or Group dates: Bleh
- Best friends: yeah I guess
- Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Bleh
- Adidas or Nike: Neither
- Lipton ice tea or Nestea: I don't like either
- Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate candy..but vanilla ice cream
- Cappuccino or Coffee: Grande vanilla chai latte from Starbucks..fuckin' Ed got me hooked on that shit.
- Smoke: Used to but lately it's crossed my mind
- Cuss: More than I notice and more than I should
- Sing: Usually I just mouth the words, but when I'm alone I sing
- Take a shower: Yea right.
- Have a crush: Yes
- Do you think you've been in love: As close as it comes, I suppose
- Want to go to college: Fate will decide
- Where: I dunno. I really wanna get out of this town, but I'll probably end up at FSU
- Like(d) high school: Here and there. It's got it's ups and it's downs
- Want to get married: Yes
- Believe in yourself: I can't tell, others would probably say I don't
- Get motion sickness: On occasion
- Think you're attractive: On good days, I don't care. So I guess yeah, sometimes.
- Think you're a health freak: Never
- Get along with your parent(s): From where I'm living now..I think we know that I don't get along with either of my parents. This wasn't volentary, and it wouldn't hurt me one bit if I could get up and walk out.
- Like Thunderstorms: No
- Play an instrument: No, but I can click my tounge
- Ambition: Eh, to live?
- Country/Place you'd most like to visit: I dunno, somewhere else

I n | t h e | p a s t | m o n t h . . .
- Drank alcohol: Yes
- Smoked: nah
- Done a drug: Nope
- Had sex : Yes
- Made out: Yeah
- Gone on a date: No
- Gone to the mall: Yes
- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: Yuck
- Eaten sushi: I've never eaten sushi in my whole life
- Been on stage: Yes
- Been dumped: No
- Gone skating: No
- Made homemade cookies: No
- Gone skinny dipping: too cold!
- Dyed your hair: No
- Stolen anything: A fancy cloth napkin from that MLK thing at the civic center

H a v e | y o u | e v e r . . .
- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Sort of
- If so, was it mixed company: Yep
- Been extremely trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes
- Been called a tease: Aw, Beth. Beth..wow. *sigh*
- Gotten beaten up: No
- Shoplifted: Yea
- Changed who you were to fit in: In 6th grade, that's the only time I can remember

R a n d o m | s t u f f
- Age you hope to be married: Whenever it's real
- Describe your dream wedding: I dunno. I don't think about that shit.
- Thought about how you want to die: A lot, yeah.

G u y | s t u f f . . .
- Best eye color: It doesn't matter
- hair color: Anything ive got to do the rest of these after lunch....
- Short or long hair: He can have none for all I care
- Height: under 6'
- Best articles of clothing: Ummm ones that have stories behind em
- Best first date location: Laundromat, gas station
- Best first kiss location: either of the above two

I n | y o u r | l i f e . . .
# of drugs taken illegally: 0
# of people I could trust with my life: 0
# of CDs that i own: Probably cant count that high
# of piercing: 3
# of tattoos: 2
# of scars on my body: I don't want to think about that...

S p e c i f i c s . . .
- What kind of shampoo do you use?: Umm one that comes in a bottle
- What are you listening to right now?: Dead to Fall..ahh i cant wait for the show!!
- Who is the last person that called you?: Jeremy
- How many buddies are online right now?: 5
- What would you change about yourself?: my looks and some of the habits i have

F a v o r i t e . . .
- Color: i dont really have one
- Food: mac n cheese
- Boy's name: Mika, Rich
- Girl's name: Rya, Elisabeth, Regina
- Subject in school: Art, english
- Animal: i dunno
- Sport: Skateboarding, football

H a v e | y o u | e v e r . . .
- Given anyone a bath?: yes
- Got high?: yes
- Bungee jumped?: never
- Made yourself throw up?: Used to
- Skinny dipped?: yes
- Been in love?: Haven't we been over this?
- Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: I think once or twice
- Pictured your crush naked?: yes
- Actually seen your crush naked?: yes
- Cried when someone died?: yes
- Lied?: Yeah
- Fallen for your best friend?: yes
- Been rejected?: Alot
- Rejected someone?: Yeah, but I always feel terrible
- Used someone?: No
- Done something you regret?: yes

R i g h t | n o w . . .
- Clothes you're wearing: Chris' dickies that Beth ripped a hole in, Beth's boxers, ICP shirt Michael gave me
- Music you're listening to: Dead to Fall
- Time where you are: 8:01
- Favourite artist: I dont know
- Current Desktop picture: the beach
- Book you're reading: none
- CD in the player: Slipknot, Hoods, Beth's mix cd, Sublime, and The Slackers
- DVD in the player: I dunno

L a s t | p e r s o n | y o u . . .
- Touched: Food..does that count?!?!
- Hugged: Morgan or Chris
- IM'd: Jon prolly
- Yelled at: Amanda
- Felt sorry for: Everyone who is effected by this
- Missed terribly: Beth and BoBo
- Felt loved by:
- Spoke to: Tarah, my cousin
- Cried to: Erin

W h o | d o | y o u | w a n t | t o . . .
- Kill: Michelle
- Slap: Michelle
- Get really wasted with: Amanda, we have to finish our "pair shots"
- Get high with: Michael and Jon. Amber Jo. Beth...
- Look like: Someone beautiful..anything but this
- Talk to face to face: Uh, no one
- Talk to indirectly (on the phone, online etc.): no one

R a n d o m . . .
- In the morning I look like: hungover
- All You need is: ...
- Love is: suicide.
- Flowers or candy: Candy. I don't really like flowers all that much.

Y o u r | t h o u g h t s . . .
- I know: too many bad things about life
- I want: to be happy
- I have: problems
- I wish: things were easier
- I hate: that I don't have the balls to do what I really want to do right now
- I fear: for my tomorrow
- I hear: her voice..still
- I just: cant understand
- I search: for explanations
- I wonder: if there's a fucking purpose to my life
- I regret: one thing
- I'm hurt by: alot of shit that's happened to me in the past and in the present
- I like: my friends. they make me so happy.
- I'm at my best when: I'm manic, on top of the world but still there

i think im done with lj. im still gonna comment on other peoples shit but it just seems pointless now.
Monday, January 16th, 2006
3:52 pm
24 questions you may not think to ask.

1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at?
-- Jackie is being my mirror..and she says "nose", but that makes it sound like I have a big nose..so we redid our looksie and she now says, "eyes". Better? I guess, whateva.

2. How much cash do you have on you?
-- On me? Well there's no cash on me..but in my wallet I think I'm carrying somewhere around 30-ish? I'm keepin' my hoes in chezzeck! Nigga what??!!

3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"?
-- Breast..har har har

4. Favorite plant?
-- 5 O'clocks

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
-- Rachel Crowley..hm, I should call her. She was throwing me a late birthday party, but it has been postponed. :)

6. What is your main ring tone on your phone?
-- Caress Me Down by: Sublime

7. What shirt are you wearing?
-- Jackie's blue halter..well I shouldn't say Jackie's because now I own it..so, MY blue halter.

8. Do you "label" yourself?
-- Uhh, BooBoo KittyFuck..?? Does that work?!

9. Name brand of your shoes currently wearing?
-- I represent the skin colored shoes! ..Garsh, I'm dumb!

10. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
-- I saw it on a random lj..so, nothing.

11. Do you know what an 8-track is?
-- Yes. lololololololjackielolololol

12. What were you doing at 9pm last night?
-- Being abducted by flying cows with pig snouts.

13. What did your last text message say that you recieved on your cell?
-- "I love you"

14. Do you ever click on Pop-ups or banners?
-- No..I hate pop-ups, especially the ones that say "you're a winner" and then you don't really win anything, they just try to get you to subscribe to shit or buy something.

15. What's a saying that you say a lot?
-- But, I do not want to hup hup?!

16. Who told you they loved you last?
-- My Jackawoowoo. :)

17. Last furry thing you touched?
-- Jackie's daddy's head. He got a hair cut..now he is like triple x...YES!!!

18. How many hours a week do you work?
-- 5..but that's only when I'm on my corner...lol jk jk

19. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
-- none, Jackie is cool and has a digital camera.

20. Favorite age you have been so far?
-- 16. i met alot of cool people and started to find myself.

21. Your worst enemy?
-- Self.

22. What is your current desktop picture?:
-- Jackie and her famous fishy face.

23. What was the last thing you said to someone?
-- "what was the last thing I said to someone?", I asked Jackie.

24. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to erase all of your regrets, what would you choose?
-- Erase all my regrets.


In the last 24 hours have you:
1. Had sex: poo...no
2. Bought something: a rice crispee treat. *rubs belly*
3. Gotten sick: No, Jackie no longer has strep throat. !!
4. Sang: Yes.
5. Been kissed: Yes.
6. Ate something: Yes.
7. Felt stupid: Yes.
8. Talked to an ex: No.
9. Missed someone: Yes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Last person who...
1. Slept/Layed in your bed with you: Well, reverse it. The last person I slept in bed with was Jackie. But the last person who slept in my6 bed at my dad's house was Ryan. and at my mom's it was Danny.
3. Made you cry: Memories.
4. Went to the movies with? Michael, Jon, and Jackie.
5. You went to the mall with: Jackie.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Have You Ever...
1. Said "I Love You" and meant it: Yes.
2. Got in a fight with your pet: Well, if you count throwing Jackie's puppy across the room and saying, "NO! BELLA NO!!!" just to move her away from my sandwhich, than yes.
3. Been to New York: Nope. I want to go there though.
4. Been to Mexico: No. I'm boring.
5. Been to Canada: No.
7. Been to Europe: No.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Do you have a crush on someone: Everyone has a crush on someone. DER
2. What book are you reading: Inkheart...but i dont member who its by.
3. Worst feeling in the world: Abandonment
4. Future kids names: Girl: Rya Boy: Micka
5. Do you sleep with a stuffed animals: Nope.
6. What's under your bed: Everything that is meant to be hidden.
7. Favorite sports to watch: Football and hockey
8. Location: jakcie's room.
9. Piercing/Tattoos: no, yes
10. Do you drink: Yes!!! mm...alcochol
11. What are you most worried about right now? Jackie biting me. Grrrr
12. Where do you want to get married? I dunno. Don't ask me that.
13. Who do you really hate: Who? MICHELLE
14. Do you have a job: no
15. Do you like being around people: sometimes
16. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: yes
17. Have you ever cried: .....
18. Are you lonely right now: no, jackie is keeping me company. :)
19. Song that's stuck in your head: "hep hep..on an island in the sun..."
20. Played strip poker: yes
22. Been drunk for more than 2 days straight: no
23. Done an all-nighter: Course.
24. Been on radio/TV: Yessss.
25. Been in a mosh-pit: Yup.
26. Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: yes
Friday, January 6th, 2006
11:58 am
R.I.P.


Image hosted by Photobucket.com



Lou Rawls died this morning or lung cancer. Such a cool guy. Why are there so many deaths lately? He will be missed, but rememberd by his music.

Thursday, January 5th, 2006
11:51 am
"Life Is The Disease, Death Is The Cure"-Beth Gilbert
It's been two monthes today. 2 whole monthes. And I thought it was bad when I didn't see either of them for at least 3 days. Wow. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. This shit really just fucked with my head. I'm so lost. I kinda stop myself from talking or thinking about it as much as possible because I know it will just stay with me forever until I fall asleep. But they're in my dreams and I love it because then I see them and hear them and talk to them. Like the last dream I had, Beth and I were at Chris' house and the cops were searching it but the whole time she and I were sitting on the couch cuddling and hugging and kissing and just talking. I kept hugging her and telling her how much I loved her because I knew in my dream that she was going to die. We traded pants in my dream and wrote Bethy n Tease forever and she wrote Bethy loves the Tease on my jeans and then I woke up. I guess it's symbolic, but it's still really hard. To be that happy in a dream and then wake up and have to let reality sink back in and remember. It makes me want to sleep forever. Rest In Peace Beth and BoBo.

"I like planes, and music, and I like hanging out with friends. I do not like broccoli. I like flying..."-Beth age:13

"Hey Beth, I was wondering if Brittany could get up in our mix too. She's easy on the eyes."-BoBo

"the day you died was the day I cried all alone on that hill with all my friends by my side, well thats the fucking world and the way that it works, EVERYTHING I LOVE 8 FEET IN THE DIRT, i've ben here before and i'll be here again, God took you away as I buried my friend, my heart feels empty and my blood runs cold...when you entered the ground, ink-filled tears fell down, and i hope you're in a better place, my brother (and sister), this beers for you, when you entered the ground, hardcore blues all around, and I hope you're in a better place my brother (and sister), our tears for you..." -Hoods
Friday, December 23rd, 2005
3:33 pm
eM evaS

10 LAYERS

LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE
Name: Tease
Birth date: January 7th
Birth place: Tallanasty
Current Location: ^ same as above
Eye Color: Right now...greenish/brownish
Hair Color: Black
Righty or Lefty: Lefty
Zodiac Sign: Capricorn

LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE
Your heritage: Irish, Jewish, Creek Indian, English
Wut Shoes Did You Wear Today: My cheap black payless slipper things
Your weakness: The "look"
Your fears: Growing up, the dark, being alone, myself
Your perfect pizza: Lots of olives and mushrooms and extra cheese
Goal you'd like to achieve: Get the fuck outta Second Chance! lol, but really, I want to be truely happy.

LAYER THREE: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW:
Your most overused phrase: lol...maybe, I dunno
Your thoughts first waking up: "Damn..."
Your best physical feature: I dunno
Your bedtime: Whenever I pass out
Your most missed memory: Bethy...everything before Mishel the bitch came into the picture...3way phone conversations with Michael and Jon...partying every weekend

LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK:
McDonald's or Burger King: Buger King
Single or group date: Single



Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla
Cappuccino or coffee: haha...Ed

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
Smoke: No
Cuss: Yes
Single: ;)
Take a shower: when I remember
Have a crush(es): yes
Think you've been in love: well its the closest I've been to it so far
Like(d) high school: yes
Want to get married: yes
Believe in yourself: sure
Get motion sickness: no
Think you're a health freak: something like that...
Get along with your parents: I'm never home
Like thunderstorms: no
Play an instrument: no

LAYER SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH
Drank alcohol: yes
Gone on a date: no
Gone to the mall: yes
Been on stage: no
Eaten Sushi: no
Been dumped: no
Gone skating: no
Gone skinny dipping: no...DAMN IT!!
Dyed your hair: yes
Stolen anything: no


LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER
Played a game that required removal of clothing: yes
Gotten beaten up: no
Changed who you were to fit in: yes, we all have once in our life

LAYER EIGHT: GETTING OLDER
Age you hope to be married: dont care as log as its real and will last
Number of Children: dunno
Describe your dream wedding: i dont dream about it
How do you want to die: i already know how my life is going to end.
What do you want to be when you grow up: writer, artist, tattoo artist, photographer, something relating to what Otep does
What country would you most like to visit: everywhere

LAYER NINE: IN A GAL/GUY
Best eye color?: doesnt matter
Best hair color?: doesnt matter
Short or long hair: doesnt matter
Height: taller then me
Best first date location: where ever we're comfertable and can talk and "stuff"...haha
Articles of clothing: whatever they feel comfertable wearing
Best first kiss location: where ever it happens?

LAYER TEN: IN THE NUMBERS
Number of people i can trust: 3 or 4
Number of CD's I own: 30 ish?
Number of piercings: none, but i finally got Ed to give in and pierce my tounge for my birthday!!
Number of tattoos: in january im getting my memorial for Bethy
Number of times been on T.V.: i dunno
Number of times my name has appeared in the Newspaper? I dont know if it ever has
Number of scars on my body: quite a few
Number of things in my past that I regret: one


In 2005 I...

{ } broke a promise
{ } made a new best friend
{X} fell in love
{X} fell out of love
{ } did something you swore never to do
{X} lied
{ } stole
{X} went behind your parents back
{X} cried over a broken heart
{X} dissapointed someone close
{X} hidden a secret
{X} pretended to be happy
{ } got arrested
{X}kissed in the rain
{ }slept under the stars
{ } kept your new years resolution
{ } forgot your new years resolution
{ } met someone who changed your life
{ } met one of your idols
{X} changed your outlook on life
{X} sat home all day doing nothing
{ } pretended to be sick
{ } left the country
{ } almost died
{ } given up something important to you
{ } lost something expensive
{X} learned something new about yourself

{ } tried something you normally wouldnt try and liked it
{X} made a change in your life
{X} found out who your true friends were.
{X} made a total fool of yourself

Tuesday, December 20th, 2005
10:32 am
Fall On My Face But Cant You See, This Fucking Life Is Killing Me...
had a good weekend. jackie's grounded for a long time and im not. hahahahahahahahaha. but it she said it was all worth it. at least she had fun. and thats what life is all about. hah. im going to get my clothes and michaels and jons clothes out of her car in a bit.

im soooo bored. someone come play with me. blah

my dad wants to take me to lunch today. mmm...im not really hungry but ok.

me n my mom argueing all the time is getting old. she really does mean the things she says. and that hurts. i cant even say i wish i was the child she wanted because i like who i am, i think. im comefertable with myself and i dont care if she approaves or not. it just gets tiring hearing her calling me all of these mean names and yelling at me for no reason. i try not to blame myself but it usually happens. i want to move out of that house as soon as possible. i know i can go live at chris' but i dont want to live over there. too much drama and too much secrets. im trying to stay possitive but with all the negative things being said to me and about me is only pulling me down. i need another drink. i havent cut yet so i guess that means im holding on good. i prolly shouldnt say yet cuz that gives people the impression that im going to. well, i dont wanna lie, i prolly will cut sooner or later. i know im not the best kid, but im certanly not the worst. im almost 17 and im still having to deal with bullshit. when will it end? uh, does it ever? im sick or being the one everyone looks down on. im sick of being ugly. i wanna build a little house far far away and leave. i dont even have the urge to prove anyone wrong. i dont owe them anything, i didnt do anything to deserve this.

grr whatever. bitch bitch bitch complain complain complain. i need some luvin.

im not starting sail as soon as i thought. my teachers want me to complete more assignments to get more credits. i dont have enough or something. im happy and sad about staying at second chance longer. i have made some good friends there, but if i dont get to sail by the end of this year im gonna be mad.

"i know where I want to go but i just dont know how to get there"

viva vega! i hear danny is out. thats great!

im thinking about cutting my hair again. i dont know what im gonna do with it yet. i want to grow it out but im impatient.
Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
10:09 am
HeartBrainHeartBrainHeartBrainLungGut

There's another boy genius who's fucking gone
And I wouldn't be so fucking mad so fucking
Pissed off if it wasn't so fucking wrong
It's all fucking wrong
It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair
But no one said life was easy
Yeah, but no one said, no one said
Nothing's supposed to happen right?
No, no one told me anything
To prepare me for fucking this
There's another boy genius who's fucking gone
Don't tell me it don't matter
Don't tell me I've had three days to get over it
It won't go away
It just won't go away...



This morning I felt hung over and today at school we had exams. I only had one though, and it wasn't so bad because we could use the book, but I still think I failed it cuz I didn't really take my time. I don't care. I'm in my last class waiting on the bell to ring for lunch. Not that I'm gonna eat. I think that's so dumb how we leave school after lunch today, what's the point of having lunch then? Lamontae just walked in the room. I listened to Beth's mix cd yesterday. Me n Amanda n Ms. Cassie went to Erin's to get it a few days ago. Apparently I gave it back to her, I think I had a contact buzzzz and didn't know it cause I don't remember any of it. I'm getting my copy of it today. What a crazy mix. It's so Beth, too. "Put your hand down my pants and I bet you'll feel nuts..." Yesterday, I think it started to hit me that everything is really real. But I kept denying it and blocking it out of my mind, but I was home by myself thinking and thinking and thinking for so long that it snuck up on me. And I finally broke down. I layed in the same spot on the floor for hours just crying and calling her phone and then his. I won't let it really sink in though. It still feels like a dream. And I can't wake up. I know my problem and that is: I don't want to belive it. I'm in denial. Fuck you, I said it. I would be lying if I said I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm not. I could talk about them forever. I think it's annoying everyone else, though. Fuck it I don't care.                                                                                                                                                          i want to cut so badly. 

Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
8:01 am

Turn her over
A candle is lit, I see through her
Blow it out and save all her ashes for me

Curse me sold her
The poison that runs it's course through her
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over

Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
with strawberry gashes all over

Called her over
and asked her if she was improving
She said "feels fine" it's wonderful wonderful here

Hex me told her
I dreamt of a devil that knew her
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over

Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
with strawberry gashes all over

I lay quiet
waiting for her voice to say
"Some things you lose and some things you just give away"

Scold me failed her
If only I'd held on tighter to her
Pale white skin that twisted and withered away from me away from me

Watch me lose her
It's almost like losing myself
Give her my soul
and let them take somebody else get away from me

Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
with strawberry gashes all over all over me




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I feel like I'm letting her down.

Monday, December 12th, 2005
8:54 am
a p p e a r a n c e
HEIGHT: 5'3''
HAIR COLOR: Pink
SKIN COLOR: Cracker
EYE COLOR: Brown/Green
PIERCINGS: None
TATTOOS: 1

r i g h t . n o w
WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: Blue jeans
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: Other classmates talking
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: Toothpaste
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: Breezy and a little chilly.
HOW ARE YOU? "For I am living in hell, And I am just swell, Yes I am living in hell, But the music makes me well."

d o. y o u
GET MOTION SICKNESS?: No, er, well I haven't yet.
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: Yes, maybe more than one...
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: Sometimes
LIKE TO DRIVE?: Not really. It kinda scares me.

f a v o u r i t e
TV SHOW: Will n Grace, Family Guy, Boondocks, Avitar, Spongebob, Rugrats, X-Men, Spiderman, Ninja Turtles, Degrassi
CONDITIONER: Hah, me wash my hair? LOL!
BOOK: A CLockwork Orange -N- Ophelia Speaks
MAGAZINE: Um, none in particular. I don't really read magazines that much anymore. Celebrity drama gets very tiring.
NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Faygo
ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Vodka tonic with Kettle One, Jim Beam, Any vodka, Jack Daniels, Jose Quervo
THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: Get drunk and hang out with friends

h a v e . y o u
BROKEN THE LAW: Yes
RAN AWAY FROM HOME: Haha, I attempted that twice. And each time only lasted 6 hours!
SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: Almost. Well, I was almost kidnaped. God, Bethy what the hell am I gonna do without you?
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: Yes
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: No
USED YOUR PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE: No, my parents aren't that dumb, they don't even let me breathe on their credic cards much less hold them.
SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: Mmmm...Bethy. That's all I've got to say.
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: Hah. Yes
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: Almost, but then I went to P.A.C.E.
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: Yes

l o v e
BOYFRIEND: No
GIRLFRIEND: No
CHILDREN: mwahahahaha...
CURRENT CRUSH: No one really.
YOUR GREATEST REGRET: Only one thing
GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS: No

r a n d o m
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: No
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: Slipknot and The Casualties
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: I dunno
WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?: Michael Jon Amanda Dixie

w h e n / w h a t . w a s . t h e . l a s t
TIME YOU CRIED?: This morning
TIME YOU GOT E-MAIL: Today
THING YOU PURCHASED: Gas money for Roxie's car.
TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: Boondocks
MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER: Don't remember
Friday, December 9th, 2005
10:42 am
Switchblade Love, Whiskey Suicide
There is an infinite road,

And on that infinite road there are two moving shoes,

And inside those two moving shoes that walk on that infinite road there are two dancing feet,

And above those two dancing feet inside those two moving shoes that walk on that infinite road are two bending knees,

And above those two bending knees that have two dancing shoes inside two moving shoes that walk on that infinite road are pulsing hips,

And above those pulsing hips that are connected to two bending knees that have two dancing feet inside two moving shoes that walk on that infinite road is hungry belly,

And above that hungry belly that is connected to pulsing hips who's connected to two bending knees that have two dancing feet inside two moving shoes that walk on that infinite road is a beating chest,

And on both sides of that beating chest that is above a hungry belly that is connected to two pulsing hips who's connected to two bending knees that have two dancing feet inside two moving shoes that walk on that infinite road are two parallell arms,

And on those parallell arms who's on both sides of a beating chest that is above a hungry belly that is connected to two pulsing hips that are connected to two bending knees that have two dancing feet inside two moving shoes that walk on that infinite raod are purple scars,

Purple scars that lead to a hickey covered neck that move closer to chapped lips and rosy cheeks and fireless eyes on a pale face that lead to a mind, a crazy mind, that thinks about those purple scars and that hickey covered neck and those chapped lips and rosy cheeks and fireless eyes on that pale face and how they came from walking down that infinite road all alone.



**Just felt like writing. What a weird story. Reading back over it though, I guess I can see that symoblism with some things. Ain't it weird sometimes to just write and write without paying any attention and then to read it at the end and realize it makes more sense than you thought? It could be that, or could be that I'm just insane. *shrugs* School gives me headaches. We just finished an FCAT practice test. I slept through the whole thing and Christmas tree'd it at the last minute. O well. Next week is my last week at Second Chance and then it's off to SAIL I go. I'm nervous. I really shouldn't be because I'm so used to switching from school to school in the past year that this souldn't even be an issue, but unfortunately, it is. I just don't like the idea of starting all over again. Who knows, it could be for the best. Whatever. I'm a poopface. Ugghh, I'm getting more ink done Wednesday. I've been drawing out some things that I want. Amanda is getting a duck. YOU CRAZY BIOTCH! LOL. Yesterday was a day I wouldn't want to relive, but that's how most of my days have been lately anyway. I have to remind myself not to call her phone when I want to hang out with her. And I have to stop myself from calling him to offer him pills and call him a nazi. I miss her calling me Tease and "a cute kid" as she pats my head. And I miss him calling me a "dumb jew" and then me calling him "a nazi fuck" and then us burst into laughter and hug each other. I CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD.

"i'm supossed to be strong and have all the answers"...I have to keep reminding myself of that. Beth always quoted that one Otep lyric to me when I was down.

I'm going to see Amber this weekend at her other garage sale thingy. I can't wait to see her hair. I miss her. Amb., if you're reading this take a note: WE HAVE TO HANG OUT!!!
Thursday, December 8th, 2005
1:18 pm

Tree Top gave me my first tattoo. Go figure it's 420 and I don't even smoke! But it's for Bethy. We all got our 420's done where she had hers. In a few weeks, I'm going to get my tattoo my dad is taking me to get. I would just let Tree Top do it for me, but he doesn't have all the colors I want. I'm getting shrooms and...ok I'll just post a picture of it once it's done. I'm really happy with the outcome with my 420. I got a pair of her boxers, too! God, I miss that girl. Does anyone have a picture of BoBo? I had some on my cell phone, but I erased them a while back. I didn't think this would happen. God. I still can't believe it. I miss the both of them so much.



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"fuck you'er"-Amber.



After everything that happened, it kinda got me thinking. So I'm writing my will because you never know when it's your last day. And I want everyone to get what I want them to have.



I'm going with Dixie and Lindsey today. Can't effin wait. I miss hanging out with them so much.



 



 



Urrggg...NNNNNEEEEEDDDD MOOOORRREEE IIIINNNNNNNKKKKKKK!!!!!

Tuesday, December 6th, 2005
4:18 pm
Don't ever take away from me my pornography
We obviously don't agree on what's obscene
I have the right to choose what I
Want to see and read

Don't try to take away from me
My right to privacy cause what I
Do is no one's business but me

So stay in your missionary position
I hope that you get bored to death
There's no way in hell I'm going through life
Having vanilla sex

The government's trying to get into
Your bedroom you better lock your
Door and close your shades because
There could be someone watching you today

Why do you try to make things illegal
Why do we have to be 21
Are you afraid that people are having
Too much fun
Why do you care what I do in my bedroom
Why do you want to know how I screw
It seems to me you've got nothing better to do
8:53 am
Whateva.
I thought about it and I guess it's time for an update. Eh, I dunno. I don't really like writing in this thing anyway...well anymore at least. So far, everything is still shit. I went to Philadelphia cause my brother is in the Navy and they had their traditional Army vs. Navy football game. Navy won. I froze. I rode in a taxi and a subway for my first time. I decided I want to move someday to the big city. I love it. So many distractions. We ate at the Hard Rock Cafe. That was awsome. My brothers and their friend Ryan snuck me into a bar and got me drunk. It snowed. Not alot though. Peter, my other brother, woke me up for it. I feel so much closer to them. I love having them as my brothers. Ross, the Navy brother, is going to come to a show with me sometime and get in the pit. Hah. This will be an expireince. Our plane back home was delayed an hour on top of our 4 hour wait. I colored my hair pink...again. My other cat died this past weekend. I'm torn up about that. Yesterday was an exact month that everything happened with, um, you know. I still can't talk about it. I think it's starting to settle in a bit and that scares me. Amanda and I are writing autobiographies. I think it'll be a fun thing to do. So's people will have something to look back on. I've been considering suicide lately. Alot lately, actually. Not that it's any of your buissness. And no I don't want your pity or sympathy so shutthefuckup. I need some lovin'. Kenny is moving soon. He'll be gone for like 5 years. OMG I can't belive it. I think a part of me is getting stronger. It's one of the only things that's forcing me to hold on. I guess that's good. Last two weeks of Second Chance. THANK BOG! I'm gonna miss Shauntae hittin on me, Lamontae and me talking about his pornos, and Phillip being all Crip-dified, Brittania being herself and braidin my hair, and Dominique...what can I say, he's a trip, a ghetto trip. "Life goes by so fast...Close your eyes and its passed. Story of my life." Hey Micheal, you may not even read this, but I hope things look up for ya. :) I can't think of anything else to say.
Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005
10:13 am
What is your. . .

1. Name: Brittany

2. Quest: A quest? Hmm, that would take motivation. It just so happens that I am drained of motativation at the moment. But, we did make a kick ass bong yesterday at Chris' house out of an old lamp bottom. I'm set on smoking out of it.


Your Favorite . . .

3. Color: Blue, Black, Pink...I don't think I really have a favorite color. I like 'em all, I guess.

4. Subject: English and Career Development, only because in C.D. we don't have to do any work unless we choose to do so.

5. Halloween Costume: Spiderman, well any super hero, really.

6. Season: Fall and Winter. But winter beats fall by a million.

7. Apple: Juicy and tart.


The last . . .

8. Thing you ate: Super greasy peanuts.

9. Person you kissed: Melody.

10. Time that you swam: Uh..a week or two ago with Roxanne and Brian and Jeremiah. We snuck into a pool in some apartment complex. It was fun and cold.

11. Time you saw your parents: Mom-last night before I went to bed. Dad-about an hour give or take a few minutes.

12. Movie you watched: We attempted to watch American History X (something like that) in memory of Bethy because that was her favorite movie. But the movie was messing up and Mel's mom was freaking out because of the sex scene in the beginning.

13. Music you listened to: Anything Slipknot. I've really gotten into Slipknot now.

14. Post you made: That's a dumb question. The one before this one, DUH!


Write . . .

Ten things that make you smile:

15. Music...Otep, Christmas music, old music from the 50's and 60's and 70's.

16. Cold weather.

17. Christmas cheer.

18. Getting a letter in the mail unexpectedly, or email.

19. Memories.

20. Scars.

21. My mom being silly.

22. Spending time with good friends, and being the only one sober so I can laugh at their silly nonsense.

23. Going to Bethy's grave.

24. Smells that remind me of better days.

25. Laying in bed with someone who you really care about when you shold be eating lunch instead.


Five things you do every day:

26. Fix all my jewelry, like get it untangled and whatnot.

27. Write in my journal journal.

28. Make sure I have our picture with me everywhere I go.

29. Pop my knuckles.

30. Brush my hair with my fingers.


Two things that annoy the hell out of you:

31. People.

32. Urges.


One thing you wish for:

33. I don't think I even have to say it. Everyone already knows.


Who . . .

34. Pays your tuition: No one yet. My grandfather is going to, though.

35. Makes you laugh: Everything. I'm insane.

36. Makes you think: Rachel.

37. Strikes your fancy: Bethlehem...:( and I dunno certain things people do, not nessicarily a person.

38. Do you talk to on the phone most: Amanda and Cwitafer.

39. Trusts you most: Okay, I don't think anyone in their right mind would.

40. Do you trust: No one.

41. Are you thinking of right now: *sigh* Bethy.

42. Fixes things for you: Bethy did, she still does.

43. Is the wildest person you know: Rachel and Amanda together. Duster feens are not a good match!


Tag Seven People:

44. I don't know. Anyone who wants to do it. Go for it.
5:51 am
Our Little Group Has Always Been, And Always Will Until The End
Her grave sunk in yesterday due to the rain we have been having. The hole was so deep that I could stick my whole arm down there and STILL not touch the dirt. We removed all the grass and re-buried our belongings we snuck in the dirt earlier, so now it's definitley buried with her. We finally got our proper burial, I guess. We got our real last goodbyes. It was hard. It always is. We played Sublime for her. I layed on the grass above her grave forever. Until I was forced to get up so we could leave. She wasn't ready. That's why she's still hear, proving to all of us she is still here. She's not fucking gone. I'm wearing her SLipknot shirt, her jeans, and her bracelet. I managed to steal all three from Justin. I want her back.

My mom thinks I need help. I do, but I'm not going to admit that to her or my father because I know exactly what will happen when I do. I'm relying on friends, journals, and pictures. So far so good. Not really, but you know. Wtf can I say besides I'm still here.

I don't know what else to write in here anymore. All I ever talk about now is Bethy and how much I miss her. And I don't want everyone to get tired of reading that over and over. Whatever. If you get tired of reading it then don't read it anymore.

So much bullshit has happened to me and others lately it's not even funny. I don't know what this life is coming to. I realized all I need right now is: 1. Bethy, 2. Alcohol, 3. My arms and ect..., and 4. Love

Current Mood: discontent
Wednesday, November 16th, 2005
8:56 am
Tattered -N- Torn
Life is not conviently, Interuppted by commercials during tragedy, I can barely see, Come wipe the tears from my eyes, Cuz I need you next to me, Before I load the gun and die, You made me want to live, I have nothing left but rage to give, All alone in my room, Bethy I'll see you soon.

It's really hard for me to try to put all the peices together now about what really happened. There's alot of rumors spreading around our group of what really happened. It's hard to know which is the truth. I wish she left a note or something, explaining why or maybe just saying goodbye, because then it'd help me understand why they did this. Everyone still seems okay by this, like it was just another person or friend who passed away. I'm not okay. Everyone seems to have moved on. I haven't. I know it's not good to dwell on it, but how do you get over something like this EVER? I'm not depressed. I'm just angry. And with everything else that has been going on lately, I think I've got a right to be. Don't come near me. Don't touch me. I don't know when, but I'll be fine. I've got to be strong...for her at least. Bethy and Bo, I love you both very much and miss you.

I told myself I wasn't going to write in this anymore. It seems wrong to try to move on so soon, but I have to write. And since I forgot my journal in Roxanne's car I have nothing else to write on or in for the time being.

I can't keep this rage in me....can't be this empty anymore.

Fuck it all. Fuck this world. Fuck everything that you stand for. Don't belong. Don't exsist. Don't give a shit. Don't ever judge me...and don't you fucking touch me.

I want them back. I still don't belive it. I've gone to Bethy's grave a few times since it happened. But I haven't gone to Bo's yet. I need to go and pay my respects. He was a good guy. As much of an asshole he was sometimes, he was really a very caring guy. I steal flowers off Bethy's grave everytime I go. And I still haven't managed to bring one of those flowers home with me. I end up leaving them at Chris' or in Roxanne's car or at the grave. I'd much rather have her instead of the flowers though. I KNOW I wouldn't lose her.

Everything is shit right now. Everything. The only thing I can look forward to is 3 weeks, when I get my memorial tattoo of Bethy.

This is the end of everything...

Current Mood: Angry
Monday, November 7th, 2005
7:42 am
R.I.P. Bethy


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Man, woman killed in shooting

By Rocky Scott
DEMOCRAT STAFF WRITER

Tallahassee Police Department homicide detectives were investigating the fatal shooting Saturday morning of a man and woman whose bodies were found outside a trailer home in the southeastern part of the city, police said.

John Newland, a TPD spokesman, said the bodies of John Meikenhous III, 20, and Elizabeth Gilbert, 19, were found behind the trailer home at 1508 Bluebay Lane about 9 a.m. Saturday.

Newland said the victims were dead at the scene, apparently from gunshot wounds.

"A call from a witness to the shooting" was received by the TPD, and officers were sent to the scene, Newland said.

Homicide detectives were talking with "multiple witnesses," Newland said, but no suspects had been taken into custody by late Saturday.

A possible motive for the shootings was not released, and Newland declined to discuss whether a weapon had been found.






I love you and I miss you.



Love,



Tease

Friday, November 4th, 2005
6:00 am
What A Wasted Life To Quicc For Close Minds

Alot of things are...not going as smoothly as they could be. I'll just word it like that. I'm trying so hard to keep a smile on my face. Is it real or am I just asking too much of myself? I think I've got myself stucc. I'm starting to belive myself when I pretend. I don't know what's real or not anymore. Last night I was reading through some old poetry and I can't even stomach it. I can't read it, which is sad because it's my writing. I think I'm getting weaker. I thought I was getting strong, but how strong are you when you can't even reread old poems? I felt the urge to write last night, but I didn't do it. I can't bring myself to even write some form of poetry. I want to write a story, of nothing in particular, just a story.



I no longer have a job. No, I did not get fired. I'm just too young to work there right now. He told me to come bacc in a year. And you bet I'll be there. My dad is finally coming around and letting me get the tattoo he owes me. Bobby is going to draw it. And he'll probably do it for me too. I'm getting a skeleton skanking and beneath it, it will say "Rude to the Bone", the skeleton is gonna have one of those bubble things and he's gona be saying "Picc It Up". I can't wait. I'm possibly getting my tounge peirced. I'll have to hide it from my mother for a while, but it's worth it.




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Fuccing Walls Of Jericho is coming soon. MMmm. And The Slackers show is this weekend. Ah. A chance to make everything right in life. Some many pits, so little time. Heh. Roxanne and I are going to the show this Saturday and I'm gonna try and talk her into coming to see Walls Of Jericho. Hopefully, she'll agree. I'm pretty sure she will.



17 is just around the corner. Another to attempt have a good new year. Hmmm...we'll see what happens.



I'm going to the shop today so if you want to reach me call my cell.



 



 



this will be the end of your poison from the tip of your tounge...

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