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Mister Sirius Black.

light me a candle!
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Etc... [ Tuesday September 20th 2005; 8:53 pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Everything. Is so. Bloody. Dull.

Yes, I say this a lot.

But I feel like my life somehow has come to a stand-still because everything is so routine, and, well, drab. I'd almost rather something bad happen to me than to have this void of nothing going on. I want something different and vivid that will make me feel more alive than I am.

Because, honestly, so much of the same thing makes you wonder what the hell you're doing, sometimes.

I'm wondering whether I should go home or stay at Hogwarts for the Holidays. They're a long ways off, granted, but if I started thinking about in December I'd never actually decide. Hm.

flicker +++ 2

[ Tuesday August 30th 2005; 8:40 pm]
[ mood | GUILTY. ]

I've had a few days to think, and things are changing in the house of Black...

Remus, I want to talk to you. Sooner the better.

flicker +++ 21

Mm... [ Sunday August 28th 2005; 6:00 pm]
[ mood | utterly confused... ]

My head is spinning. I'm dizzy and sick but and it feels all so wrong but so... necessary. Necessary. That's definitely the word.

I'd like to believe that I belong somewhere. I've always been searching to belong somewhere. I miss that feeling, as a child - believing in everything, fearing nothing. Just knowing that you love the kid next to you and you never want to leave him. I miss those quiet days with Cissy and Bella and Dromeda... and Reg, just sitting on the grass at the manor and staring at the clouds. Things like scraped knees made us cry, and things like lollipops made us smile. And now... now we're cold. We're hardened and cold. We've separated on a basic level. It's not fair that just because we're in different houses we can't be friends, like we used to. I think that's perhaps why I make such an effort with Regulus. He's just my kid brother, but he's the only one in that family who I don't hate.

Yeah. Hate. I guess that maybe that's the word. I can't stand Narcissa or Bellatrix because of the things they stand for. There will be moments where there's a connection, a flicker - but it passes so fast that I know it'll never be back in the same way. I hate the feeling of sentimentality that I get when I think of the family, and the wave of fury that follows.

We're all just struggling through a strained sort of maturity - I don't think of any of us are mature, really, just pushed into it. Narcissa's already talking of marrying Malfoy - and I think that takes a certain maturity that she doesn't have yet, doesn't have in a million years. Bellatrix seems to be battling with some sort of... God knows what, absent love interest perhaps? Whatever it is, it must be a problem for her, based on the values of our family. And I don't know about Regulus. He's a good kid... I just hope he'll stay that way.

I'd like to think I'm turning out alright, but I'd also like to think that I'll find my significant other soon enough to save me from wherever I'm headed. Headed to some life of doing the same as I'm doing to the Slytherins now; I don't think I'll ever be great. I don't want to fall into the Black trap of life without love.

And maybe I don't have to look too far for that. Love. I love my friends. I love my brother. But... there's a little more to it than that, I think. Everything's a little too complex.

I can't keep my food down, and I don't know why. I should probably stop thinking so hard about all of this.

flicker +++ 7

Decisions, and, well... etc. [ Tuesday August 23rd 2005; 8:24 pm]
[ mood | awake ]

Hogsmeade was fun, if you consider fun being landed with a particularly odd mental debate.

Choosing between things you love is not the most enjoyable of things...

flicker +++ 2

Hogsmeade, late nights, full moons? [ Saturday August 20th 2005; 9:27 am]
[ mood | guilty ]

I am so terribly conflicted. Accidentally asked both Remus and Regulus to Hogsmeade and now I feel as if I'm going to end up abandoning both of them. I desperately want to spend time with Remus because I haven't lately and right now, of all times, I don't want him to feel alone. He's the only one of my friends that visibly cares about me, and the only I've actually been talking to on a fairly regular basis (James, I would rightly like to know why you're so busy all the time). Not that we've been able to really talk lately, but I was hoping we'd do that on the trip. And Regulus. My beautiful baby brother. On a sort of whim, because I was really enjoying his company, I asked him if he'd like to go to Hogsmeade with me... and then I promptly realized that I'd already planned on doing that with Remus but made no effort to say anything about it. I want to spend time with him, he's my kid brother, and save the other night (will elaborate in a bit) we haven't spent time around each other in a long time. I mean, we have, at home - but that's different, because I'm never the same person around mum.

Private; Sirius' eyes only.Collapse )

I guess I'll just time-share myself. Yes. That will solve things. Of course, Hogsmeade is happening in just a few hours, so I'd better decide how I want to go about that...

In any case, I spent the other night with Regulus. We went to the kitchens after-hours to eat, which was nice, and we talked about classes and such and caught each up on everything. After that, we went out near to the lake and just sort of star-gazed for a while. It was a lot like when we were kids, which I miss desperately, and we were able to talk about being friends and brothers and love and the Black family without argument. It was like... all I can say is that it was like when we were younger, when no one had these misconceptions about other people, when we were just children in the same family. I miss that. I've always been protective over Regulus, yes; however, I've never felt particularly close to him since we were very small. But that night felt like all of that didn't matter because we were brothers again, friends again. We stayed out quite late, and even after I got back to Gryffindor tower, I couldn't get to sleep.

Unfortunately, though, I feel a bit guilty about the whole thing - like I'm becoming a bad influence on Regulus or something. I don't know why, it's just sort of at the back of my mind.

Private to RemusCollapse )

Ah, well, off to catch a bit of rest before Hogsmeade - Remus, Regulus, I am terribly sorry. And don't either of you dare offer to go with someone else, because I want to go with both of you. I know you'd both do that, so don't.

flicker +++ 11

Somebody do something. [ Friday August 12th 2005; 10:31 pm]
[ mood | Mmph. ]

School is boring. Utterly and absobloodylutely dull. I have no idea what to do with myself! It's almost as if cutting class is as drab as the lesson itself. I'm almost tempted to do homework, there's just nothing to do. While yes, it's Hogwarts and it's better than any time spent in close proximity to mum, I feel almost useless. I haven't spoken to Remus or Peter or James at length about anything and I've been sleeping an abnormal amount. I suppose it's just my body adjusting, but I'm always bloody tired.

I've felt vaguely guilty about some of the things I've said and done in past years, but am nevertheless hard-pressed to change. I suppose it is Bella's fixation on God knows what and her strange behavior, but I'm almost inclined to worry about her. Almost. This all feels very out of place for me, and I'm trying desperately to shake it.

Marauders Only

I've also been increasingly worried about Remus. The full moon is a week or so off, I know at least that much, but I feel so powerless. There's nothing I can do to make the situation any better... though I have been practicing transformation from Padfoot to myself in order to make things a little easier (not that they will be). It's difficult for me to change into Padfoot of my own accord; Remus, I can't even imagine how you must feel.


Sod it. I need a girlfriend.

flicker +++ 33

Back to school; Diagon Alley endeavors [ Thursday August 4th 2005; 11:34 pm]
[ mood | ditzy ]

So, I'm back at Hogwarts and school is back in session. Homework aside, this makes for a very happy Sirius considering it means less time with the family and more time with the friends. This year has been excrutiating with regards to my family. Bloody hell, as far as I'm concerned, the less time spent with my neurotic mother and... well, everyone else, the better.

No matter, though. I'm back at Hogwarts and the Marauders are united once more. I've missed everyone so much - James, Remus, Peter - that even the nightly escapades for mister Mooney seem comforting. And of course we're in fifth year now, which makes everything that much more interesting. Better pranks, you know. That, and James mentioned in passing that he would help me fly this year. That's one thing I can't stand about the wizarding world. Flying. How anyone can play Quidditch is beyond me, it's so bloody frightening.

In any case! I escaped mum during our routine back-to-school Diagon Alley stop long enough to find Remus. On accident, actually. I sort of ducked into Flourish and Blotts for a moment and there he was, reading something or other. While we were there I bought an Ostrich-feather quill. It's really quite nice, I'm going to use it for good luck on tests or something. Anyway, we accidentally ran into Knockturn Alley momentarily (not that I knew it at the time, Remus told me later). We just sort of left because I felt uncomfortable. Good thing, too.

I have an essay calling me. It's unjust that these things are assigned so early into the term. I think I might just fall asleep instead.

flicker +++ 21

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