riomariecaramellouyeji

aaron broke up wiht me but didnt but totally did.

so. yeah. fuck.

i dont know. sorry, hodges. that was really fuckin stupid.

i promise im not trying to ignore or blow anyone off. myspace. facebook. lj. phone calls. texts.
im not. i love you all. thanks for the support. im ok. if you're around and want to come over thats probably the best way to find me cuz im home.
other than going back to work yesterday. ugh. i know. im crazy.
but yeah. im around. im ok but not. but you know.
its just...
shitty.

he's gone.

i'm home.
and dying too.
fuck everything

this whole day = fucked.

i'm eating honey bunches of oats....with strawberries. the same damn strawberries from special k....those damn vicious killer strawberries.

but they taste delicious.

and next is honey roasted super chunk peanut butter. =D

june 17th is right around the corner.

i will be gone june 17-oct 12.

i'm on this hardcore quest to find me a decent but somewhat inexpensive bicycle to use while in the bay area because i refuse to be dependent on aaron or anyone else for my only means of transportation. that means bike to BART and bike to wherever else i'm going. i never had a bike the first time i lived in the great....hella...north. so this is kinda exciting!
the gym is 4.9 miles from the house. added exercise!

growing up with grandparents, i've never had a problem accepting "old" people. they have a lot to offer us young punks. but unfortunately, they dont get the respect they deserve. for the most part, they're warm and caring folk. call you son or dear. cheerful and polite. unlike all the other jackholes out there. perhaps being nice comes after you hit 55. but have you ever seen an old man or lady get their feelings hurt by some jackass 20 something year old in public. they have this child like look on their face, confused cuz they didnt think they did anything wrong. and then embarrassed. and many older folk i've talked to feel as if young people dont care about them. they feel liek because they dont use computers or iphones or have gps in their cars, that we look down on them. shame on every single person who does that. i AM judging you assholes. one day you will old. one day you will be that person that someone half yoru age talks down to or gets mad at while driving. take a good look at your futures. have some damn respect. do you have grandparents? how would you like it if someone was talking crap and making your grandparent feel liek a child.someone who doesnt know them at all and is just upset because they're starbucks ordering pros and your little ol grandpa just wants a coffee and unlike us, pays for his item in cash..that he earned through years and years of hardwork. sometimes i unintentionalloy make my own grandpa feel bad. he gets a bit frazzled, especially when my grandma leaves us to go to thailand. my grandpa is one of the main reasosn i came home. you just dont abandon your cancer tortured grandpa thats been there your whole life. and while he is fairly up to par with his technology, setting up certain things can be difficult, especialy cuz he just got a new computer. again. hes totally NOT that old. for being 70ish give or take a year or two, he acts like hes in his 40s. still rides his motorcycle and everything. hes very VERY smart. very sharp. but there will be those times where we go somewhere and i'll let him like order his own food or something and the dickhead behind me is getting weird cuz he doesnt order like everyone else. boo fucking hoo. old people dont rattle off a venti quad half caff 8 pump vanilla soy mocha light whip double cup no foam upside down on a spinning plate with monkeys dancing behind the counter. shut the fuck up, wipe that dickish look off your face and wait your ass in line.
i'm a big fan of old people. but thats just me. they dont even seem "old." we're all people. put aside the really mean ones that just hate the world. but i see them as old grumpy people that must have had/are having really hard times to deal with.

but its funny, if an old person is like that, i'm like whatever. if someone thats like under 50 is being stupid or a dick or irritable, i say fuck you, jackhole. i vent a lot and i'm easily set off when it comes to respect person to person. and i dont act like a bitch unless someone else acts shitty to me. i dont like a lot of people. most people. but that attitude just comes from working at starbucks/in customer service anything. but really, would you talk shit or bitch to your own grandparents if they drove slowly or took longer than you do to fill out a deposit slip at the bank?
if you do, i dont want to know you. you don't value much.

so 6-10 page research paper due. annoted bibliography due tomorrow. rough draft due tues. i havent done one of these in forever. for a second i think it isnt that hard. for another minute and a half i think "oh shit"

idk.

i did get my hair done though.

so there went 2 hrs of my day.

san francisco/los banos may day fair thing this weekend.

three weeks of school left.

shit.

hey wow. i fucking hate you.

have a nice night.

i told him that we arent working and i dont believe in us anymore. and i dont htink its worth it.

i got yelled at because i call too many times when he's busy.

i made it clear he doesnt care about the lack of communication and he doesnt take this seriously.

boohoo you find it annoying that you have to explain to people why i called you 10 times.

i have to explain and defend to people why you're a broke ass, have too much baggage, DONT respond to me, have your friends tell me i should "stop beating him up" why i dont get anything for my bday, xmas, anniversary, i have to constantly come to you, you dont come down here, and you dont communicate with me so i have to wonder your dumb ass is.

it must really suck to explain to someone why your girlfriend cares enough to TRY and make it work when your too occupied to remember anything she told you.

yes. having someone who CARES really sucks ass.


i said,
i dont want to do this anymore. its not worth it. i'm tired of the bullshit. i dont to deal with you and yoru crap. i want better than this.

but supposedly we're "ok"

i totally sucked at that one. apparently ive gotta try harder....


he fucking told robert he was gonna break up with me. that last time where it was really stupid shit. he told robert. of all people. what is that shit? he actually said i'm gonna breka up with rio tonight. who the fuck do you think you are? oh hell to the no.

someone once told me we were over. i said. uh, no. we're over when i say we're over.
and then i broke up wiht him the next day.
after convincing him we were gonna be fine.
i should have done that.

i hadnt bought my plane tix to go up in may cuz something told me not to. but he said do it. i mean, if anything goes wrong i can still go up there and either go to Sac or San Jo to be with Scott or Ria. if i start my WEEK LATE period soon then i guess it will be ok. usually i can deal with his crap but there are those days where nothing will go right.

c'mon. the one time i'm like WANTING to be on my period it wont budge. i am convincing myself it will happen..it better fucking happen. i refuse to deal with THAT shit again.

k. im done being angry. all better. i had ice cream.

i find it disturbing how little things like that change everything. i'm in the Im gonna fucking break up with him stage still but i had ice cream so im ok. im so fucking weird.

oh....


i believe i have failed to mention the long MIA filthy rich John O...as in NOT oneill...wants me back.
the richest person ive ever known wants me....again.
hes like kinda buddies with aaron yet buys and mails me crazy ass presents. like for xmas i got a tiffanys bracelet and earrings....and sold it on ebay. for my bday i found a plethera of flowers and a CHI flatiron for my hair.

oh goodness mr ive got 5 cars and 3 motorcycles. oh goodness.

silly.

i want a breast lift. k, fine i'll wait till after kids.

Scott isnt coming down to hang out with me.
that blows. i was looking forward to that.

but i "get" to go up to oakland in may. =\

every time all my straws get built back up again you destroy them and leave me on the last one.

too far away to be happy and not far enough away to be happy.

and robert just wrote me back.

so i do feel better.

but STILL. anyone hates having to be reminded of really shitty times.