I've gone to stay with Malik for a few days. I just... need some time to think. I'll be home in a week or so, I guess. I can't take any more of this right now, koibito. I'm sorry... I love you.
It took him three reads before he got over his initial shock, the tote bag that he always took to the club still clenched in his hand and his shoes still on. Atemu had gone. Atemu had left him behind.
In one motion, he crumpled the paper tightly in his hand, refusing to cry, though his entire body quivered, his face hidden behind his bangs. He felt the intense pang of sudden loneliness fill him, but it was quickly and easily surpassed by anger. He threw the paper as hard as he could with a cry, missing the wastebasket by a lot.
Within his mind, he could see Malik’s smug smirk, taunting him and telling him that it was all his fault. He’d chased Atemu away because he wouldn’t listen, wouldn’t think, wouldn’t stop. He couldn’t stop. And now Atemu was with Malik.
In an instant of pure jealousy, hatred, and anger, he threw his head back and screamed. His body moved without any real recognition from his mind, tossing papers, pushing things over, punching walls and pillows and anything he could reach. Everything he smashed or hit was a laughing face, telling him it was all his fault, and now Atemu was gone. He screamed and cursed and beat until he could no more. He felt nothing.
An hour later, he simply collapsed on the bed, not caring if Ryou came home to a mess or anyone else complained about the noise. He simply lay, slightly curled, his face empty and tears trailing down his cheeks. A loneliness that he could only compare to the loss of his family was overwhelming him, filling his entire body with tingling pain from the inside out. His emotions had been hidden so long that they were fragile and easily hurt…but, he couldn’t bear to part with them again.
So he lay there, loving and hating Atemu with all his heart and soul as his eyes stared at nothing. It was all his fault. But he couldn’t stop. Why couldn’t Atemu understand? Why couldn’t he see the pain that he felt everytime he was forced to relive another beating, another capture, another near-death trap…he didn’t want to go back…
Please, don’t make me go back…
He sobbed softly in the dark room as the night’s shadows fell over him. He longed for someone to be there, to hold him and tell him it was all right. He didn’t care who it was--he just craved human touch, human warmth. He needed to be reassured. But it was far too late, now.
Though his body felt sluggishly tired, his mind stayed persistently awake. He was unaware of how much he needed those pills, not just to suppress his dreams, but simply to sleep. He was unaware of his addiction, unaware that he was killing himself slowly. All he knew was an escape from the pain. That was all he wanted.
The sheets beneath him became damp and wet, his form quivering uncontrollably, goosebumps forming along his pale skin.
His heart throbbed and twisted and the numb pain of loneliness made a permanent home in his soul. Just like when he lost his family. Just like every time he’d lost anyone he got close to, to the point where he’d simply stopped trying to get close.
“Atemu…” he murmured in a shaky voice to the empty room. “I’m so sorry…please…don’t leave me…”
He was all alone in the shadows, once again.