such a f0x: UberNooberKnoker: I already do #2 maybe I should do #1 :-\ ... Nah! :-D Auto response from Dark Triumph: You need to do either of two things: 1.) Go kill yourself, or... 2.) Go fuck yourself. kkthxbi UberNooberKnoker: :-D UberNooberKnoker: :-D:-D:-D:-D such a f0x: ::giggles:: UberNooberKnoker: your just afraid you'll like it such a f0x: lol such a f0x: how cruel of you to say :-) UberNooberKnoker: you mean honest!! UberNooberKnoker: ^_^ such a f0x: lol UberNooberKnoker: LoA "Horny" started playin UberNooberKnoker: :-D such a f0x: LOL UberNooberKnoker: I'm horny, horny, horny, horny so horny I'm horny, horny, horny, horny, tonight!! such a f0x: lol that's Mousse T, Nic. such a f0x: OMFG IT STARTED PLAYING ON MY CD PLAYER such a f0x: I HAVE IT ON SHUFFLE.
Well, for not getting any sleep, I had an AWESOME day. Currently, I am watching bits and pieces of Underworld. Very good movie I might add. It's like a vampire/werewolf fan movie crosses The Matrix (lol). Other than falling asleep in U.S. History, not much exciting happened. Phill came over in the morning, and as I rushed to get ready I handed him this pink envelope with a letter inside that I wrote at 4:13 in the morning while I was depriving myself of my well needed sleep. I was being as honest as I could be about how I feel, and I also tried to describe how I feel. Well, I must have done a pretty good job because he was smiling, and that made me happy. So, that put me into an automatic jump start of a good move, and the fact that he walked over to my house from school when it was fucking cold outside. :)
Oh, and the best thing about that note is the fact that Phill has the same feelings for me as I do with him. ^_________________________^
After school, Phill and I escaped the usual crowds and went back to my house. We attempted to take a nap together, but we were talking and kissing too much for that. We had a pretty good time, and shared plenty of romantic moments... ::Grins.:: Then we watched some t.v., ate some snacks, got Phill all hyped up on sugar cookies once again, and hung out with my little brother. Then my mom got us pizza and we watched some of Underworld, yet 45 minutes into the movie, Phill had to go home, so my dad and I gave him a ride home.
You know... Phill's so great... I can't believe I found who someone that likes everything that I like, who feels the very same about me as I do with them, and who isn't bullshitting his promises to me about the future. I'm so in love.
Yet then again, I am living off of 20 minutes of sleep, so I better go to bed and get some real sleep. Hope everyone had a good day! I'M SO IN LOVE! I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO TELL ME I'M A RETARD, BUT THIS IS GOING TO LAST FOREVER. I'LL SHOW YOU!!! Phill, I am so godamn in love with you!!!
I had been staring down at my French Final outlines. A long, yet small, rectangular piece of cardboard that had been folded twice lay in the corner of the purple paper. Razorblade sitting right near it, and there I sat, watching the tiny droplets of blood escape from the cut I had made. Three cuts I had made, actually. My music blaring, I did not hear anyone enter the room, but I saw the black bur in the corner of my eye. I immediately leaned back and hid my arms. Phill smiled and asked me what I was hiding. I replied, "nothing." He had noticed the razorblade, but decided to take nothing of it. He asked what I was hiding again, and I replied, "I'm just trying to be cute!" He leaned over and gave me a kiss. My hand fumbled on the worksheet, trying to get a hold of the razorblade to hide it. I failed that and he noticed it. He made me show him my arms, and once he saw those three fresh cuts, he began to walk out of my room. I grasped his arm, and I begged him not to leave and to let me explain, but he pushed my hand off of his arm. His warm brown eyes that bring me so much comfort and hope were now a blaze with a fire that shouted, "I can't believe you broke a promise to me. Fuck you!"
I took that razorblade and jammed it into my wrist. Phill saw it, his reactions went quick, and he took the razorblade from me and threw it in my closet. I started crying and he just looked at the cut. It was deep, and it was bleeding pretty bad. I stood up to go get some toilet paper, the blood leaking down and dripping off of my fingertip. He ran into the bathroom, got some toilet paper, and put it onto the cut, applying pressure. Oh yes, how fun! I had to explain to him why I did it... Just, fuck... There's so much I told him. After the bleeding stopped, we just talked about it all. Y'know, it's really hard to be happy when you're bouncing off of the walls, and the one who means the world to you is still fucking depressed after all that you've tried... I feel like giving up a lot.
I really do mask how I feel. If I'm happy, do I say anything? No. If I'm sad, do I say anything? Sometimes. If I'm angry, do I say anything? Yeah. If I'm proud, do I say anything? Do I take the time to tell the people I love that I love and care for them? No.
Then I have Frank wanting to push me to talk to Nikki, though we all know that she's gonna' make up some shit to break me. You know, I know Phill doesn't like hearing about this, or talking about it, but shit.. It knocked down some of my trust in him, and now I'm worried that I'm going to give him all of my hope and love, and he's going to turn around and dump me.
I'm fucking tired. I think I'll just wake up two hours later after I eat, and work on my project.
And you just don't get it You keep it copecetic And you learn to accept it You know you're so pathetic [ Copecetic ]
Phill says he feels depressed all of the time. He says I make him happy, but he still feels depressed. I can't even begin to explain how much that makes me feel.... Helpless... Like I can't do anything about it...
I just want to make him happy... There's not a thing on earth that I wouldn't do for him. How can I be so happy when the one I love is feeling so down? So depressed? There's nothing I can do about it and it pisses me off. Frustrates me. What the hell do I do if this continues? What if he wants to keep hurting himself? I don't want that to keep burdening him! I just want him to be happy, to enjoy things.
Perhaps I am being a hypocrite about this one, because he said yesterday that I mask how sad I feel with a hyper and happy me. Perhaps I do that, but at least I get feelings of happiness here and there. I just love him too much to see him so sad, and I will try my best to be the optimistic one in the relationship. I'll try my best to make sure that he's happy, and that he won't feel depressed anymore.
Oh yeah, and here are my New Years Resolutions: 1. Stay with Phill, and only Phill. 2. Get a job. 3. Get Driver's Ed. 4. Buy a hearse. 5. Draw and paint more. 6. Be more reliable for my friends.
I couldn't have asked for more today. I woke up to Phill's ecstatic voice to find out that he was home again. I jumped out of my bed and into the shower, got dressed, and he arrived! Nahahahahaha! He's still hot. Lol. I adore him so much!! He got me some stuff, too. First off, he hands me two dozen pink roses (>:D). Put those in a vase and water, then head off into the basement. We sat down, and I gave him the ring I bought him. I told him it really wasn't the one I wanted to get for him, but it would do for now. I'm going to get a job so I can save up and get him a REAL kickass ring. Gonna' have it customized and all! Well... That's for later in the life, I suppose. Heh, well, I gave him the ring and a cootie bug plushie (LOL). He got me this crazy looking tiki thingy with a guitar (looks like the monster from Trilogy of Horrors, or some shit), a Tinkerbell necklace charm thingy, a Tinkerbell box type deal (very awesome), some cherry chocolates, a Tinkerbell drawn by one of the artists there (uber coolness!!), and I think that was it. His mom also got me some earrings, w00t.
So we cracked open a bottle of French Apple Cider and the DVD of Goodfellas, and had some fun. Haha! Before that, I tried to get some ice cubes out, and I ended up cracking the ice cube tray in half and then some pieces hit Phill's face (LOL, I'm still sorry, love!). We went outside and were trying to figure out how to open the bottle. Phill shook it up, and then the cap flew off onto the top of my garage. LOL I thought that only happened in cartoons! I got to cuddle with zhe one I love zhe most!! It's been so long since I had kissed him. Lol. It felt so nice. He woke my brother up, and he went downstairs. First thing Phill says to my brother is, "Jock Skateboarder." LOL WTF. Ah... It was so nice to see him again. We hung out from 4:30 until 10:00. Tried to get romantic and my brother ruined it. Go figure!! Can't wait until he brings his girlfriend, Michelle, over -.- He's gonna' get it!
I don't have much to say except for:
Ugh, so everyone at The Bean last night was giving my bear hugs and shit and now I'm like *wheez*. I DON'T WANT TO BE NICKNAMED "WHEEZY"!! I call some Freshmen that in my English 9 class. I'm having some trouble breathing right now. Last night it felt like my ribs impaled my heart. Lol. Oh well, I'm sure I'll get better soon. Haha. Tonight Phill and I declared our song as "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve. Weird, no?
Two dozen other dirty lovers Must be a sucker for it Cry cry but I don't need my mother Just hold my hand while I come, to a decision on it Sooner or later your legs give way, you hit the ground Save it for later don't run away and let me down Sooner or later you hit the deck you get found out Save it for later don't run away and let me down, you let me down [ Save It For Later ]
So I talked to him on the phone earlier, and I was going to call him back, but then I found out I had the usual Friday plans. Blah. I've missed him so much! He wants his parents to drive him straight to my house when he gets back, lol. I'm like, "Hey, don't push it!" I took a walk up to the park in Plymouth tonight. People were talking about coupling off and making out, so I was like, "Godammit, I wish I was with Phill." I sat near the fountain in the park (even though the avocado statue is pretty much covered up.. Yes, there's an AVOCADO STATUE on top of the FOUNTAIN!). Look at the people walking by, watched the lights, and since there were clouds, no stars to gaze upon U_U;;; I LOVE PHILL SO MUCH!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! Hm, I should try and write him a song in here. Grr blah! I've missed him so much, there's not even words to describe the emptiness I have felt while he has been gone. I CAN'T WAIT!!! I want to sleep, but I have stuff to do. xD!!!
Meeeeeeeeeyow!! Time to finish writing zhe song! ( I also found some of my old CDs from two years ago.. ^^ )
You and I in a little toy shop Buy a bag of balloons with the money we've got Set them free at the break of dawn Til one by one, they were gone Back at base bugs in the software Flash the message, something's out there Floating in the summer sky 99 red balloons go by
99 red balloons Floating in the summer sky Panic bells it's red alert There's something here from somewhere else The war machine, it springs to life Opens up one eager eye Focusing it on the sky as 99 red balloons go by
99 Decision street 99 ministers meet To worry, worry, super scurry Call the troops out in a hurry This is what we've waited for This is it boys, this is war The president is on the line As 99 red balloons go by
99 Kriegsminister - Streichholz und Benzinkanister, hielten sich fuer schlaue Leute, witterten schon fette Beute, riefen Krieg und wollten Macht, Mann wer hatte das gedacht, dass es einmal soweit kommt, wegen 99 Luftballons
99 dreams I have had In every one a red balloon It's all over and I'm standing pretty In this dust that was a city If I could find a souvenir Just to prove the world was here And here it is a red balloon I think of you, and let it go... [ 99 Red Balloons ]
PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!! PHILL'S COMING BACK TODAY/TOMORROW!!!
I am so anxious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cat666Eyez: So your really happy now Dark Triumph: Yup. Dark Triumph: FUCK every other guy. Fuck them hard in the ass. I just want Phill. lol
Hey, guess what? <center><big<b>I LOVE PHILL SIMMER SO MOTHER FUCKING MUCH. I ADORE HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING!!!! WE'RE GONNA' GET MARRIED AND BE CARTOONISTS AND LIVE IN A BIG FUCKING CITY AND GO TO NIGHT CLUBS!!! And then we're going to make French Toast.</center></big></b>
No, but seriously. I love him so much, and I've missed him even more! Can't wait until he gets back so I can glomp him and kiss him incessantly!!!!
Ah, another year of adventures, filled with action, romance, mystery, drama, sci-fi, and kung fu! ... Wait a minute.. Doesn't the video store say that, or some shit? o_O;;; I guess we could have Sci-Fi.. I mean, look at my room.. I saw something green in there, and it was moving... Quite peculiar! Currently, I am becoming one with my power animal (which I might add is a white rabbit), so I put on my white rabbit ears. Hehehe. I think I'll dress up as a bunny one of these weekends (oddly enough, I have all the sexy stuff for it... ;D I'll take pics... lol).
Okay, my day was just a bunch of GAY! Lol. I talked to Frank online, he's really cool. Talked to some other people. Doug soon arrived to wait to get a ride with Nic and Zack as I was. They got us, and we headed over to Corky's hotel party. Wow, there were a lot of people there... I was the youngest one there. Nic was the designated driver, and Doug was the designated gay guy (DGG). Let's see, who else was there... Corky, Andy (zhe carnie), the Zimer brothers, these two girls (I think they got pissed off when I was drunk and asking if they were lesbians, LOL), Keely, Monica, CJ, "Druggy Dougy," and Joey! Zack got stoned, and I got drunk. I tried out this new thing called a "Pucker Fucker." Basically a shot mixed with a bit of Pucker, and a lot of Vodka. Everyone was like "Chug! Chug! Chug!" I was like, "Um.. Maybe I shouldn't... Eh.. It's New Years.." So I took the shot! It was good I might add. Then I had some Smirnoff's Triple Black. Yummy. I turned down cigarettes and weed. Supposedly I was drunk, but eh. I think I was just really hyper. Dun know, but it felt good. Lol. Well, Zack and I were just having our fun when Nic and Doug said we had to leave =( Ah, well, I guess it was for the best. Nic got us two pizzas and then he went to 711 and got me some Gatorade. Doug and Nic said when you drink you get all dehydrated, so I was like "WTF" and drank some. I think Zack drank most of it because he had cotton mouth O_O BASTARD!!! Then we basically went to Nic's, hung out, watched the ball dropped, and then I went home.
When I got home, I called up Chris Roy who had Ryan Sedlarik spending the night. Wished them a Happy New Years and said that next year we need to spend New Years together. I miss hanging out with those two. They were like my best friends, and we drifted apart. Well, that's high school for you. I still want to be Ryan's older sister figure ^.^;; After talking to Chris and Ryan, I called Phill. I thought his family and him would still be awake, but they were fuckin' sleeping! I was like "Oh, man, I'm so sorry..." Phill said it was okay because he loves talking to me. Made kissy noises on the phone as kisses... Lol. I'm such a geek. He's coming back on Saturday!!! w00t! Godammit, I wish he would stop being so depressed. I'm trying my best to cheer him up. We were talking about God knows what, and I just said, "Hey Phill..." He asks, "Yeah?" I reply, "I love you so much... You're so adorable.. I ADORE YOU!!!" He replies, "I love you so much also.. Always and forever." -^.^-;;; For those of you who don't think we'll make it through high school and college... Yeah, we're gonna' prove you wrong. XP!!!
Hope everyone had a Happy New Year! Remember to be all safe when driving!!! (if any of you are driving.. Even if you're crossing main roads, or some shit.)
My Horoscope for today: You could get very discouraged now as the fire of inspiration gets cold water thrown on it. It’s difficult to stay creative when your energy is being pulled in other directions. It’s nearly impossible to feel like you are in love if you also feel that you are being restrained--even if it’s for “your own good.” Try not to succumb to the worst-case scenarios that are floating around the back bays of your imagination.
Sexy. You're a sexy vampire, that loves a little blood with sex. You lure your food to your bed, and play with them before you eat. You probably don't kill your prey... just keep them around to boink and snack on once in a while. You're not evil... just horny.
(stolen from dannysdream) Yup. That's me. Just oh so horny. ::Rolls eyes.::
So I am waking up before 10 a.m. tomorrow so I can exchange the ring I got for Phill (get the right fucking size... Those stupid bastards!! lol) and possibly buy my new headphones. My stomach hurts.. I think it's because I really haven't had anything to eat at all today... Well, off to go find some snacks. I'll udpate tomorrow before I go partying. ^-^;;
Yup. That's how I feel today! My head is pounding, and I am still sore, but it's okay. Danny sent me some kickass pictures. My dad is making French Toast for dinner! I'm excited! Godammit. I haven't talked to Lyz in awhile... :( That makes me sad. I hope she's doing alright. Well, Phill gave me my wake up call as usual (lol). We talked more about stuff. He's STILL feeling guilty, but I explained to him that it doesn't really matter because we weren't together anyway. So, yeah, we're going out again. w00t. He says he wishes he was here so he could take care of me. I'm wearing his ring again because I'm not so pissed off about it. I can't say anything about that situation. I was upset that he did it, but you know what? I've done it before, too. I was being a hypocrite (like so many people have pointed out anyway.. including my mother). He has forgiven me for things, so I forgave him. We discussed things, so we're good now. Hopefully he's doing better. He said he ate breakfast. I don't want him to come back all anorexic and blah u_U I guess when I feel better, my mom and I will get him the right sized ring and then I'll rent a movie. I don't know. I should talk to her. Maybe I could go today. I'm feeling brave enough to get back into a car. XD
Yeah, so I've made the rule that I'm only going to drive with people who have been driving for at least 2 months. lol You know, so they get their experience and whatnot. I didn't get to talk to Evan, but I hope he's okay, and I also hope that his parents weren't too hard on him. We were all worried about that after the shock factor disappeared.
Why the fuck do I keep thinking about nachos?
I should call my mom, or wait until she gets home, or some shit!
such a f0x: ::Headbangs. Brain falls out of nostrils.:: o.x GumBear4: oh no
such a f0x: Now that I look back on the egg drop soup, it's consistency was that of "snot." such a f0x: lol Corsair1944: yeah so
Yeah, Dan and I are good friends again. Nic and I are also still good friends. I'm gonna' go to this hotel party for New Year's Eve. w00t. ( Survey On Music.. AwesomeCollapse )
But for the last time You're everything that I want and ask for You're all that I'd dreamed Who wouldn't be the one you love Who wouldn't stand inside your love [ Stand Inside Your Love ] Kat
I took a two and half hour nap, and then my mom woke me up. She laid on my bed and pet the cat while asking me about earlier today. I told her I was still sore, and I just wanted to sleep some more, that I didn't want any dinner. Well, about 5 minutes later, the phone supposedly rang. It was Phill, calling again for about the 4th time? I mean, it's fine, I understood he wanted to talk. I questioned him about that one girl, whether he was just pissed that he was used, or was he pissed that he fucked up bigtime? He said it was the second one, and as soon as he started crying and saying he wished he was dead, I believed him. He spent like $200 on internet stuff so he could make apologies and try to get a hold of me. He just kept saying how bad he felt, and how he had to live with the guilt and stupidity of it, but he said he wanted to hire someone to kill him because he didn't have the courage to do it himself. I told him that it was going to be okay, that he has forgiven me for every time I have fucked up, and I would forgive him because those people played mind games with him, and he hasn't had that kind of lesson before. Besides, I can't just turn my head from the people I love, right?
I guess he's pretty damn serious about the way he feels and how sorry he is. I've had some of my friends already tell me that if he hurts me again, breaking promises, that he's going to get it. They don't want to see me get hurt anymore. Blah, when I was talking to him, he was outside (they're in Florida right now) and his mom came out and said she got him something for dinner. He said he wasn't hungry, and then she yelled at him and said that if he didn't eat that he'll end up back in Michigan in the hospital with an eating disorder. I made him promise me that he would eat just a little bit. I'm really upset that he's decided to cut himself. I told him not to, that it was really hard to get out of, and he was like, "But you do it." I replied, "Yeah, and I have been... For 4 years, before I even met you." I really hope he realizes that I don't want him doing that. I know I'm being hypocritical, but I have to take care of myself, and I want to take care of him, but it would make it very difficult if he was doing the same way, and being as stubborn as I. He said he would only do it if I did it, so blah.... If I really love him then I won't do it...
Fuck. My neck is all burny-like and it feels like someone is constantly pressing against my heart. It's still a little tough to breathe. If I laugh, then it really hurts ^-^ I like hurting myself, but I don't like getting hurt when I have no control x.X;;; My dad says I have to stay home for a few days. Fine by me. I am going to bed earlier tonight because I feel like shit. Emotionally, I must say that I am doing better. I just really hope that Phill is serious, and he says he is. I've only see three guys cry in my life. I heard Phill crying, and he has cried at my house before. I just see this whole ordeal as the last time we really have freedom from each other, but from this point on, it's going to be us, and just us.
I just wanted to tell these people that I love you and care for you!: Phill, Lyz, Badger, Nic, Doug, Cathy, Mary M., Ryan Bell, Danny P., Dan, Chels, Corky, Kitty (Christina), Donneh, Nic's mom, Meghan, Dan's mom, JoJo, KT, Donneh, my grandma B, my grandpa B, Corky's mom, Pippey (oddly enough), Kari, Tony T., Pat Harris (manwhore), Chris Roy, Ryan Sedlarik, Amber, Minkis, Paul, Missa, Alex, Evan (I am so sorry about your car man. I hope you're okay!), Anna, Lynne, Joe (you know, from LJ!), pkeod, my kitty (Simba), Garth, Tweetie, my hamsters, the lasagna I ate earlier, Matt (Mark's little brother.. thanks for not getting mad about Lyz and I), themadviolinist, Jessica, Jo (my niece! metaphorical one), Ashezz (wherever you are), Ronni, Bobby Welker, Brillo Pad, Gnome (Adrian), John John the Leprechaun (!!!), and anyone else I talk to on a daily or monthly basis!
So today I was hanging out with Evan, Nic, Badger, and Cathy. Well, I called shottie and jumped up front while Nic, Cathy, and Badger were crammed into the back. I felt bad, but eh. Well, we were on Schoolcraft and Merriman, behind this huge 7 Up truck. Evan was fiddling around with his iPod, trying to find a good song. Supposedly he was going about 30mph when Nic yelled out "EVAN, STOP!" and Cathy yelled "BREAK! BREAK!" We hit the back of the 7 Up truck. Evan's car was totalled in the front. Poor Evan... He was supposed to be getting a new grill, too. I was jerked forward as the car hit, and then jerked back. I didn't see the car crumple as it hit the back of the truck. I closed my eyes and felt a sharp pain in my sternum and ribs... I was yelling, "Shit! I can't breathe! I can't breathe!" You know, moaning and groaning. Evan flipped out and got out of the car to run around and let people out. Cathy, Badger, and Nic all made sure I was okay, along with Evan who was apologizing and calling an ambulance. Well, Cathy hurt her shoulder, Badger got a cut on his head, Nic (I think) had some cuts on his waist, and Evan had a bad welt on his neck from the seat belt. So after all of the paramedics came and stuff, my dad signed me off and he took me home. Cathy and Nic came over for a bit afterwards to watch a movie with me. Nic and I also had a nice conversation, and I am glad we had it.
I'm going to take a nap here. It feels like I was beat in the chest with a lead pipe. lol
Phill called me, so I called him back. ::Sigh:: I don't really want to talk about Phill. Well, Corky called me so I called her back. Told her what happened, and she invited me to a New Year's party at a hotel. w00t. Dan also called to see if all of us were okay. Nic talked to his mom and she sent me hugs. Today was just so weird. I panicked about the thought of me going to the hospital. Blah. I thought they would question me... >.>;;;;
Well, off to take a nap to get away from this bitter reality. :P
I am painting. I sketched out the flowers and other shit in the picture with the black pen Phill left at my house. Neat-o. I was really upset earlier tonight, but now that I am letting some things out, and not giving a shit, I feel better. I was all crying and stuff today. I cried twice. It just sucks knowing that someone you love would do that to you, and now you have the decision of ignoring it, forgiving them, and pursuing the promises you made to each other. Or you can smile, say "No thanks," and just keep on moving. So hard to decide... It all hurts so much.. ::Tear.::
Dark Triumph: I am totally having fun with painting :D Shadowgaurd16: :-) Dark Triumph: me = gonna use my blood to write some lyrics of this song. XD Dark Triumph: "Use me Holly, Come on and use me, we know where we go, use me Holly, come on and use me, we go where we know." Yeah, I am totally f-ing psycho tonight. Dark Triumph: But it feels good. Shadowgaurd16: hehe Dark Triumph: No! None of that is directed towards the fact that Phill was more pissed about being used than hurting me over kissing some slut named "Nikki"! :) Dark Triumph: HAHA! KNEE SLAPPER! LJ MATERIAL! Shadowgaurd16: ur funny katness Dark Triumph: ::Big grin.::
Eh, that's how it felt to me. He was more pissed about being used than knowing that he hurt me. ::Sigh.:: Here are the lyrics to that song (mind you, I say this song from Phill's point of view and how I take it... Whether Phill still loves me or not... "Holly" could be replaced by "Nikki" and Phill may wish he was with me... Or it could be the other way around.. u.u;; Mind you, SOME OF THESE LYRICS DO NOT APPLY!!!):
With all of this I know now Everything inside of my head It all just goes to show how Nothing I know changes me at all Again I wait for this to Change instead To tear the world in two Another night with her But I'm always wanting you Use me Holly, come on and use me We know where we go Use me Holly, come on and use me We go where we know With all of this I feel now Everything inside my heart It all just seems to be how Nothing I feel pulls at me at all Again I wait for this to pull apart To break my time in two Another night with her But I'm always wanting you Use me Holly, come on and use me We know where we go Use me Holly, come on and use me We go where we know She's all I need She's all I dream She's all I'm always wanting She's all I need She's all I dream She's all... I'm always wanting you Yeah I'm always wanting you [ All Of This ]
I'm so depressed right now.... I cried for an hour and cut the shit out of my arms.
I want to do it again when I wake up... I just want to open my eyes to see the sun creeping inside my room, my cat lifting his head, purring gently as my hand strokes his ears... And then in my left hand I have a gun, loaded. I take it to my head, I pull the trigger...
And there is nothing.
How beautiful that would be.
I broke up with Nic, who turned out to be the nice guy in this situation. I get online, happy to talk to Phill, only to find out that he kissed another girl on the cruise he is on (check the post beneath this one. Covo between us). I blocked him. Dan thinks I am playing games with him, and now here I am... screwed over. Well, guess I just gotta' smile and keep walking. ::Sigh:: I just... I really want to die right now. Well, thanks for listening to me bitch again. Ciao.