[07 May 2006|10:02pm] [ mood | frustrated ] eric's journal inspired me to update. but then i realized that out of alll the stuff that's happened lately, i have really nothing to say about it, or maybe i just have so much to say that i can't say it? it's like my studdering problem, when so many words want to come out of your mouth at the same time, they trip and fall and get jumbled up like a big pile of something, and it never makes sense, except to god. and god never tells. the bible says, cry to me, cry to me and ask for help and forgiveness and i will shout out to you, "I am here!" god never said that to me, in fact, god never said shit to me! he just said, "heidi, what are you doing, there's a bee in the house and a bolongni sandwich waiting for you in the bathroom when you go there to type and bead a necklace and why is there honey on the counter heidi, WHY IS THERE HONEY ON THE COUNTER HEIDI! and why is the handle sticky, the handle is always sticky!" and the things god said to me always jumbled up with the things that my parents said to me when they were angry, angry about stupid things like the kitchen and how my bed sheets were tangled and my car was touching the grass just enough for the leprechans to get angry, too. so i told jesus, "jesus, i'll tell you what, put your hand right there, yes right there, and if you have the power to heal, you will do it." and jesus didn't do it, he just stood there at the end of my bed like a stinking statue, except some kind of wind was hitting him just the right way for his shaw to sway with it, and the wind mattered more than me! THE WIND MATTERED MORE THAN MY LIFE! than my sadness, than my hope, than my dream, my dream that maybe this ridiculous bunch of nonsense could be real because then i could go to church and feel, and really FEEL the message, even if it was just a bunch of bullshit! but again, jesus didn't do it, he just stood there, while i cried and cried and he stood! why did he just stand there? i'll tell you what, if jesus ever moved an INCH after he died, it certainly wasnt for any crying girl, that's for sure, because he must be deaf. and blind. and speaking of which, i'm sure hellen keller talked to jesus but it made sense to her, because since she couldnt hear or see him, he was in her MIND people are hellen keller people are hellen keller christians are hellen keller RELIGIOUS PEOPLE ARE HELLEN KELLER open your eyes, jesus isn't moving and god never shouted shit he never will, he just sits up there and looks at you HE JUST KEEPS LOOKING HE JUST KEEPS LOOKING, he just keeps fucking looking at you until you're so frustrated with his nonresponsiveness that you just want to explode and he just looks at you some more, then you'll turn away then you'll turn away, and then you'll see what i'm saying you'll feel it, too. but no, you're hellen keller you can't even read what i'm writing right now so go figure it out for yourself and even if you dont, it's your problem if you'll be in your bed late at night and god is on your ceiling and jesus is at the end of your bed and neither one is responding, they're just laughing they're just fish in the sea of the bible which is just dust anyway and they'll just BE there, and you'll be crying so loud and NOTHING will happen except for the things you do yourself. Comment here! .:. 2 Talk

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