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And she falls much harder than him [entries|friends|calendar]
seeyouinparis_

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[09 Aug 2007|12:00am]
it's midnight. the start of a new day.

no more fucking around.
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[11 Apr 2007|10:07pm]
self loathing.
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[09 Dec 2006|10:33am]
from a q&a with giada de laurentiis -

1. How is it possible to be a chef and be in such good shape?

I have to say that this is by far the question I am most frequently asked, and my answer is always the same: genetics, portion control and fresh ingredients. If you've ever seen my mother either on the show or in photographs, you'll notice that she is quite petite, trim. So I have her to thank for getting me off to a good start. In addition, I've never been one to sit down to a meal with a large plate of food and eat every morsel until I was uncomfortably full. Rather, I graze - eating small portions of food all day long. And the ingredients are clean and fresh. Yes, I absolutely love chocolate, and I do eat it, but just a bite.
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[13 Oct 2006|02:26am]
i'm falling for yet another completely unattainable guy. how extremely annoying. i'm trying really hard not to, but the more i tell myself not to think of him, the more i do. stupid and pointless, but really hard not to fall into.

yep.
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[29 Jun 2006|11:11pm]
i have to calm down. i'm ridiculous.

i checked my voicemail, and my friend had left me a message inviting me to go swimming with her and some of our other friends. all of my thin friends. like, 5'8", 98 lbs without trying thin.

that actually gave me a bigger scare than exams did last week. as soon as i heard it, i started panicking. i asked my mom where my bikini was. she asked me why, and i told her that i had to try it before i agreed to anything. i stopped myself before i said what i know makes her sad to hear: that if i look fat, i'm not going. but she knew. and i had to like interrupt her before she got into a speech.

so i tried it on, was revolted. ran downstairs and worked out.

i'm not going. i'm hoping for it to rain like it did today. or for my foot to wake me up at 5 am again, the way it did this morning, and to keep me sitting until it's too late to do anything, like today.

i'd like to know what it's like to be excited when somebody mentions swimming.
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[05 Jun 2006|10:30pm]
i can't even believe this. i don't even know how to identify the emotion i'm feeling, or the thoughts, or whether i want to cry or punch the shit out of her.

i don't even remember what happened. all of a sudden, my sister started telling me about how i was a loser compared to the girls my age at her school. she was comparing me to this girl she's pretty much obsessed with, telling me that although she's fat (i'm sure she's not fat, but my sister, who is fat, thinks she's allowed to fucking say things like that about anyone), she has a better body than me. than she got into this thing about people at her school who knew me said i looked like a horse. she only specified that it was that girl she's taken with.

and, had i shouted to her face that she was fat, i would've been in the biggest shit ever.

i don't want us to stop talking, because when she's not completely obsessed with losers she meets on myspace and such, she's fun. but if she keeps thinking in such stupid ways ... we're going to end up like my dad's mum and her sister.

i really don't fucking want that, but unless she changes, it's gonna happen.

i really want to yell at all those people she tells that she's a "health-freak" that she eats 400-calorie michelina macaroni for breakfast, along with other disgusting foods. then i want to tell her she's fat. then i want to lose thirty pounds, finding myself at 100 lbs, and i want her to realize i won.

i know this is the dumbest thing ever and i'm sorry. but i'm so mad. i can't even ... wow. i don't know what to do with myself.
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[18 May 2006|04:14pm]
i passed my driving test! i am so unbelievably thankful!
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[09 May 2006|07:36pm]
my friend is skinny and pretty. and a slutty drunk. she could have anybody she ever wanted.

i can't do anything about the pretty, but skinny is something i can do something about.

it's so stupid that i feel almost angry at her for being so lucky. because i feel like she could snatch away the guy i have my eye on in a heartbeat.

and it's even stupider that, right now, i'm feeling like he'd like me more if my nails were painted.

and it's stupidest that i don't think it's stupid to feel all of a sudden extremely motivated to eat like a bird in order to be thinner than she is.
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[07 Mar 2006|09:04pm]
i was going to keep eating the night away, but my dad made some comment and i've decided not to.

i have a chem test tomorrow that i haven't studied for.

and i'm going to bed.
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[01 Mar 2006|07:21pm]


i just ... wow. that picture is incredible.
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[24 Feb 2006|10:29pm]
and on goes the hunt.
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[10 Feb 2006|11:20pm]
baha nevermind. i have way too much of my life in this thing.
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[05 Feb 2006|10:17pm]
please add my new journal nowproveit. =] i promise to be more active and to comment more often. jus treading your entries keeps me going and i'm sort of taking that for granted :( anyway yeah so add it! woooo
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[05 Feb 2006|09:39pm]
i think i need to make a journal. one that isn't so full of my failures and my wining and my crap.
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[27 Jan 2006|10:54pm]
i like to make my hands look thinner. i'm so lame.

i paint my nails black then chip some of the polish off. i wear thumb rings and several bracelets. i make it a habit to play with my fingers on desks in ways that accentuate their bones.

if only making legs look thinner were that easy.
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[11 Jan 2006|09:19pm]
today has been ridiculously awesome!
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[25 Nov 2005|05:07pm]
during physics, taylor was tapping his fingers and making noise, so i turned around to see what he was doing. i met his eye and he smiled.

hot.
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[24 Nov 2005|08:04pm]
doing absolutely horribly.

day 8 without sugar, but i think i've binged every single day on everything else.
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[22 Nov 2005|07:02pm]
ran for 10 minutes in gym today. was hard, but good, i guess.

am on low-carb again. gugh. yesterday, i did a sort of organic today, but all of a sudden this morning i'd gained 5 lbs? what the hell?

we've moved up the cruise to january first, so i really need to lose, like, ten pounds, but i'm starting to doubt my ability to do so.
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[17 Nov 2005|09:39pm]
we're going on a cruise. in march. eek! very exciting, slightly (very) intimidating, and perfect thinspiration! i guess i'm coming off the low carb tomorrow. going to see harry potter at night, and hanging with friends from right after school until then, so i'm going to have to eat in front of them. and probably greek.

doesn't matter, though! i feel so ready!
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