PRYZM: CHAPTER ONE: THE DARK UNICORN
I saw this staring at me at Gamestop the other day.



I barely glanced at the price tag as I ran it up to the register. It's not like I had any other choice.

The game itself is a constant argument between a dwarf who thinks that his unicorn is uncomfortable to ride and a unicorn who thinks that the dwarf is overweight, interrupted occasionally by some of the worst 3D platforming I've seen since the great war between Psygnosis and anyone who was unfortunate enough to own an original PlayStation in its early years.

But hold! What's this?





Oh boy oh boy oh boy. The cover promised unicorns and dwarves, but now we get wolves, elves, and fairies too? I'm loving this already.

The grinning unicorn up there in the logo looks awfully pleased with himself for some reason. Also, why does it look like everyone has a tail?



Oh no! The magical toadstool kingdom of the elves is under attack! Holy shit, I just realized that I paid money for this thing.

Lady's got some huge thighs going on up there. And there's that damn tail again! Do all fairies have tails now? Have the worlds of furry and fantasy completely crossed over since I last checked? This wasn't supposed to happen.

Quick, somebody do some research on those guys in the credits. They need to be reminded of this thing in about ten years.



Welcome to page THIGH. I can't keep my eyes off that thing. It's growing!

Watch out, there's some pretty vivid onomatopoeia flying around. FOOSH, FOOSH, FWOOSH! Also BWOOSH! And SPWASH!

Wait, SPWASH?



An errant BOOSH takes out our heroine and briefly reduces her thighs to somewhat reasonable size. The effects seem to have worn off by the time the last panel rolls around though because WHAT

How do you even do that? She's lying on her back, but...I guess she's angled in a weird way? Or she's propped up on something? Maybe she twisted her entire lower body, and then, like, snapped her whole leg off.

And oh man that unicorn. This is the best unicorn I've ever seen. Not only does he have wings, but he's wearing a necklace, a bracelet, and a purple goddamned cloak. X-to-the-Z Xzibit just pimped the shit out of some guy's horse.



UNICORN MAGIC! I'm not even fazed by this point. Healing magic seems kind of passe compared to unicorn bling and inflatable nymph thighs.

I don't have much else to say about this page other than "AND WHAT THEN OF THE TROLLS AND GNOMES????" What INDEED. Did you even THINK of the trolls and gnomes? You just think you're the only race in the magical mushroom woods with pointy ears, don't you? Fucking elves.



SHA-ZZAKK. Our unicorn hero reacts with orgasmic delight at the appearance of ZARTU?!, while the nymph slowly shrinks down to a head and a pair of breasts.

Guys, I think ZARTU?! might be evil. Look at that beard, and his non-flowing locks of hair.

Also, he's black. God damn it.



I hate this.



I love this part, especially with the lead-in from the last page. "Man, don't worry. The council will understand." (comical record scratch) "NO!" (sad trumpet WAH-WAH-WAH-WAAAAAAH)

Anyway, so an evil unicorn wants to go through an EXALTED PORTAL to the VORTEX OF SUPREME MAGIC, but is being blocked entry by a ruling council of unicorns situated far above an enchanted forest full of elves, gnomes, and nymphs. And it's a video game.

So...is this really happening? I'm not just dreaming this, right? I hate it when I dream about using the internet.



And here's the final page, concluding a comic that explains absolutely nothing about the game itself. Where was the dwarf? Why wasn't the dialogue limited to two word bubbles that were repeated over and over every five seconds? Where was the part where the unicorn kept dying because there was no way to control the camera?

To discover the answers to these and many more questions, please forget all about them and never play Pryzm: Chapter One: The Dark Unicorn. Do buy it for the exclusive comic book, though, because soon it will be a prized collectible worth as much as the premiere issue of Turok: Dinosaur Hunter or the first Ultraverse Prime signed by the original artist. It's easy money!

Also it practically guarantees that you'll be saying "No, I'm not playing that fucking unicorn game," to anyone who visits your apartment from now on.