Danny Cowan, Press (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} sardius_) wrote,@ 2008-03-06 17:07:00 |
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reviews unfit for print vol. 1 -- lost: the shitty video game
I'm not so much surprised that Lost: The Shitty Video Game is garbage on a stick. I'm surprised that a game can be scrubbed so completely clean of entertainment. I'm surprised that a free rental of a game that I knew full well would be terrible can still leave me feeling sad, hollow, and used. I'm surprised that any single game company could find and hire hundreds of people (French people) who were all very obviously dropped on their heads as children, and I'm surprised that these shaken, retarded babies grew up to make a very, very terrible game and expected people to pay $60 for it.
Lost: The Shitty Video Game places you on the island (from the show!) and lets you interact with the survivors of flight 815 (like in the show!). The trouble is, your character is a cowardly, unlikeable asshole with amnesia, which ensures that the naturally suspicious survivors are going to hate you for the first 90% of the game.
Don't expect Jack to help you. You deceive him early on and he despises you for the rest of the game. Sayid pulls a gun on you. Hurley is depressed as hell whenever you talk to him. It seems like the mere presence of your character brings out the worst in every person on the island, and every (one-sided) conversation is a hateful, demoralizing experience that makes you feel worse as a person. About the only character who resembles her on-show counterpart is Kate, and nobody fucking likes Kate.
Luckily, the hour of gameplay wrapped around four hours of cutscenes and dialogue sequences is great, assuming you enjoy getting lost in the jungle, rewatching unskippable cinemas after you fall into bottomless pits that you didn't see, pointless collecting and bartering of items that you never end up needing, or firing your gun a grand total of four times during the entire game (in three different sequences!).
This is a game that no one can possibly enjoy. Anyone who claims that fans of the show will enjoy it is a goddamned liar and has no sense of perspective. Nobody wants to have their favorite TV show characters treat them like shit for five hours. Its gameplay is an irredeemable pile of balls, and somehow, it manages to make every aspect of the show unappealing in the process. It leaves you feeling like you're owed an apology. Your roommates, despite being huge Lost fans, will claim that it makes them "bored and depressed." It makes you yearn for the standards of writing quality found in that one fanfiction where Ben's boner "accidentally" slips into Locke's ass when he's taking a shower.
It's pretty easy to get 1000 achievement points out of it, though, and to its credit, you do have the option of killing Kate at the end of the game. I must've replayed that scene like five times.
Next up: Open Season.
I'm not so much surprised that Lost: The Shitty Video Game is garbage on a stick. I'm surprised that a game can be scrubbed so completely clean of entertainment. I'm surprised that a free rental of a game that I knew full well would be terrible can still leave me feeling sad, hollow, and used. I'm surprised that any single game company could find and hire hundreds of people (French people) who were all very obviously dropped on their heads as children, and I'm surprised that these shaken, retarded babies grew up to make a very, very terrible game and expected people to pay $60 for it.
Lost: The Shitty Video Game places you on the island (from the show!) and lets you interact with the survivors of flight 815 (like in the show!). The trouble is, your character is a cowardly, unlikeable asshole with amnesia, which ensures that the naturally suspicious survivors are going to hate you for the first 90% of the game.
Don't expect Jack to help you. You deceive him early on and he despises you for the rest of the game. Sayid pulls a gun on you. Hurley is depressed as hell whenever you talk to him. It seems like the mere presence of your character brings out the worst in every person on the island, and every (one-sided) conversation is a hateful, demoralizing experience that makes you feel worse as a person. About the only character who resembles her on-show counterpart is Kate, and nobody fucking likes Kate.
Luckily, the hour of gameplay wrapped around four hours of cutscenes and dialogue sequences is great, assuming you enjoy getting lost in the jungle, rewatching unskippable cinemas after you fall into bottomless pits that you didn't see, pointless collecting and bartering of items that you never end up needing, or firing your gun a grand total of four times during the entire game (in three different sequences!).
This is a game that no one can possibly enjoy. Anyone who claims that fans of the show will enjoy it is a goddamned liar and has no sense of perspective. Nobody wants to have their favorite TV show characters treat them like shit for five hours. Its gameplay is an irredeemable pile of balls, and somehow, it manages to make every aspect of the show unappealing in the process. It leaves you feeling like you're owed an apology. Your roommates, despite being huge Lost fans, will claim that it makes them "bored and depressed." It makes you yearn for the standards of writing quality found in that one fanfiction where Ben's boner "accidentally" slips into Locke's ass when he's taking a shower.
It's pretty easy to get 1000 achievement points out of it, though, and to its credit, you do have the option of killing Kate at the end of the game. I must've replayed that scene like five times.
Next up: Open Season.
