my area is extremely flooded, so school was cancelled, and all day i was glued to the tv watching cnn and seeing the death and injured count rise for the victims at virginia tech. i have way too many people on my friends list to remember where everyone is from, and i haven't spoken to some of you personally at that, but i really hope you are all okay and safe and that none of you suffered any personal losses.
this is just terrifying and horrendous and really sets everyone on edge. every other time there was a school shooting and i went to class the next day (if i wasn't dropped out at the time) people have always expressed worry that the same kind of horror will happen to them... and it seems each new massacre becomes increasingly vicious and it's chilling that they have been so frequent within the past few months. it's outright disturbing and i hate that no one can feel safe.
again, i hope you're all alright.
16th April 2007
27th August 2006
We drank bottled water together and talked business,
I think I played the right moves,
You were looking over my shoulder,
as I went through the motions of another night.
And it was alright,
because I thought I knew who everybody was just by looking at them.
My heart is anywhere but here.
And how tired I was from the past couple weeks,
from the past couple years,
well it hit me all at once.
On a balcony overlooking nothing,
with snow falling all around,
I called just to say good-night.
And you hadn't done anything wrong,
really, it's me not you.
I can't believe how naive I was to think things could ever be so simple.
And can you live with what you know about yourself,
when you're all alone,
behind closed doors,
the things we never said but we always knew were right there.
It's got me on my knees in a bathroom,
praying to a god I don't even believe in,
"Dear jesus... are you listening?"
If this is the one chance that really matters,
don't let me fuck this up.
If you had told me about all this when I was fifteen,
I never would have believed it...
ETA: mp3
gloomy18th August 2006
jesus christ, what the fuck is wrong with my neighborhood? i was sitting here doing nothing much when i heard the inevitable slap of my mailbox being smacked down (lmfao) which was fine until the van that hit it backtracked and actually stopped to inspect. this is a first and a monumental occasion. people have been knocking down that mailbox like they're in target practice for several years and i've even had someone run down my cat, and never, ever, has anyone come by after the event. so i see this girl trying to go in through all the wrong doors and i go out to reassure her that this particular mailbox is quite accustomed to rigorous and consistent abuse.
( cut for people who don't care ;) )
mellow10th August 2006
Police: Woman put razor blades in her hair
Manchester -- Expecting to have her hair grabbed during a fight yesterday, a Manchester woman put her long hair in a bun and laced it with razor blades, cutting the hands of her co-combatant, police said.
The move landed Nina Tyler, 18, of 63 Pennacook St., in lockup on a felony charge of reckless conduct. She was being held on $2,000 bail last night. According to Manchester police Lt. Jim Stankiewicz, the fight took place about 6 p.m. at the playground across from Beech Street School.
Stankiewicz said police found nine razor blades on the ground after the confrontation between Tyler and a 14-year-old girl.
The two had been trading insults on the Internet site myspace.com, and Tyler had put the razors in her hair because of a previous fight involving the girl, Stankiewicz said.
holy shit. an adult woman gets into a catfight over the internet on myspace, probably admonished for her split ends clearly displayed in her pictures that she took of herself in the bathroom mirror, and puts razor blades in them to dumb her IQ down even a few more points so that it's now in the negatives- and then, to resolve the situation, she chooses to meet the girl, who is FOURTEEN FUCKING YEARS OLD, to throw down at a playground?! i don't know whether to laugh or slap myself.
why the fuck did i have to be born during the first generation of internet raised babies? myspace and the internets have retarded us to the point of no return, i swear to god.
pessimistic20th July 2006
13th July 2006
anybody have any wisdom teeth extraction stories?
i've just been informed that i'm about to have all four taken out on monday. exciting times. the last time i had oral surgery, i was repeatedly told about the risks of a nerve being poked and thereby permanently numbing my jaw, and made to pop valium on the way over on the morning of the procedure. i was then put into a chair, choked with laughing gas, and the dentist forcibly applied headphones to my ears which loudly played the backstreet boys for several hours. you can imagine the state of mind i was in when "quit playing games with my heart" resounded all around me at the same time my gums were being sliced open. my recollection is fuzzy at best but i do remember best of all the crapload of backstreet boys i had to listen to. i was probably slipped a roofie somewhere in there as well and raped. all in all, it was a typical oral surgery, but the one on monday will be a little more serious and invasive.
so. spill the beans, people. don't hold back now. how much vicodin did you get?
edit: a decision- i can either get stoned on valium, be treated with novocaine, and proceed with the backstreet boys torture (for over an hour) or i can get an IV and be out of it like rush limbaugh on a saturday night pill booze. OH, DECISIONS.
nervous28th June 2006
i went to transfer orientation today at unh (ALTHOUGH I AM NOT A TRANSFER STUDENT) ... (HEAVY BREATHING) but at least i got it the hell out of the way. my supreme awkward tendencies were celebrated today as i idiotically marched through the whopping two hour marathon of orientation-ness. and i'm very thankful it was all so short- i do not think i would have made it had the orientation resembled the one at the other campus, which consisted of "social games" and "pep talks" up the wazoo for an entire evening. sadists. never again.
( ... )
naughty12th June 2006
irritated16th May 2006
( it's been raining like crazy for days around here and outside it looks like world war iii. )
cheerful14th April 2006
yesterday was considerably fucked up- so really, it was quite normal. ( blah blah )
hot3rd April 2006
okay, it's official- i'm moving to gerona.
i might not be seeing dan brown after all; the tickets were wiped out in less than a day. but i've just discovered that someone is already trying to sell one on ebay for at least 70 fucking dollars when the going rate at the theatre itself is only ten fucking dollars. what an asshat. if i don't succeed in emptying my bank account to satisfy these ticket selling fascists then i may have to arrive on the night of the show and stalk the amateur scalpers around downtown portsmouth. that or cry profusely at the front door while clutching "the da vinci code" in my hands. whatever works.
i'm still waiting to hear whether or not i can attend durham in the fall. normally it wouldn't be an "if" issue, but i applied too late as my dickhead advisor neglected to tell me about the transfer deadline. i don't know why i have such incredibly shitty luck with school. nothing will ever top uno but the academic system hasn't been a smooth ride for me at all in the last four years. i feel like every academic administration is either out to get me or severely lacking in mental competence and it never fails to fuck something pivotal up for me.
thirsty19th March 2006
holy shit on a stick! i need to update but, unfortunately, i don't have much of consequence to report to you based on this last month. i've really been doing nothing. i actually executed a half-assed attempt at finding a job, and the only job that i found tolerable was given to someone else.
i've been agonizing over what my major should be- to the point where i feel like i must surely be retarded. right now i am pondering a dual major with russian and international affairs, but there are so many combinations you can do with the latter that i'm tearing my hair out. should i do anthropology and ia? political science and ia? european cultural studies and ia- but then i'd have to pick a concentration in europe, so what the fuck? should i not even take russian? with it, i'm trying to balance out employment opportunities and my ambition toward reading russian literature in its pure form. i thought being a foreign service officer sounded awesome on the government site, but then princetonreview made it sound like a prolonged, harrowing, and excruciating boot camp for the elite. they also made the occupation of a translator sound like an excitement stifling mode of existing. right now i would rather hire someone to plan out my next three years against my will than to have to choose myself.
i'm going to be busy soon. i'm seeing dan brown next month, and the month after that i'm going to the lestat musical, and immediately afterward summer classes will commence. i'm taking two courses that will be horribly fast-paced and for the first time at the durham campus with all the crazy unh people. yikes.
18th February 2006
5th February 2006
( cut out of mercy )
indifferent23rd January 2006
this weather blows.
( recap. )
cheerful31st December 2005
saw my dad today. i have been feeling like crap on a stick but giving him a hug became my mission and i fought tooth and nail to get to his apartment (battle of the panic attacks part two-thousand.) he told me that they actually removed my aunt's lymph nodes- i know, weird. i couldn't very well get into "which ones?! ALL of them!? wait, they do that?" and i just know she's starting on chemo. can you imagine having a hysterectomy and your lymph nodes removed within a short time frame upon which you're given the news that you are to start chemotherapy? fuck. fingers crossed.
i reminded myself just now to log into blackboard to check my grades, disbelieving i would find them there for i'm used to general laziness when it concerns anyone who wields authority in an academic setting. but, alas, they are up, and i have a 3.89 gpa and it's definitely high enough for me to know i cannot possibly top it next semester, when i'm actually going to have to work. i, quite frankly, hope the creepy honors folk don't come after me when they hear about it. i'm frightened of them. they kind of seem like a cult.
exanimate30th December 2005
i've been thinking a lot about zach, and i asked my father online if he's donating to any charities this holiday season. his response was understandably not one i expected at all. my aunt (father's sister) had a hysterectomy yesterday because they found a form of deadly cancer in her uterus, but it was just a trace and they were hoping the procedure would remove it entirely. but my dad just informed me that the cancer was found in her lymph nodes- a death sentence. now i am sick to my stomach.
i haven't seen my father's side of the family in about four years or more- that includes a lot of cousins, aunts, uncles, my grandmother and her husband andy (my grandfather died shortly after i was born.) this is a predicament of tremendous guilt for me; my parents' divorce really created a lot of awkwardness between people, and i have always been either too messed up or too ambivalent to finally go back there and see everyone on the holidays. each year, it gets even harder. i somehow feel like i would be betraying my mother if i saw them. there's also the issue that they are all alcoholics (excluding the cousins, to the best of my knowledge) and anyone who knows me knows how upsetting drunk people can be for me.
of course, there is no question that i want to and must see my aunt now, for i might not have a lot of time left to delay it. but i don't want my family to think i'd only come to see them when someone is about to die, which is what i'm afraid they'd be thinking. however none of these worries matter, and they're so petty compared to the hell my aunt is going through. i am terrified of sickness and i would never wish it on my worst enemy. i think it's one of the most agonizing and horrendous prices one must pay to live. i wish i remembered the name of my aunt's cancer so i could read up on it more- but asking my father at this moment would be inappropriate.
cold29th December 2005
hey, it's the holiday season- if you're in a giving mood, there is someone who needs 250,000 dollars for a medical procedure in order to live. i know there are a million of these cases/sites/people out there, but there was an article in my newspaper about this nine year old boy and it broke my heart. i gave what i could but it barely made a dent. just putting this out there. if you are interested: more information
drained14th December 2005
i have for sure joined the masses of college students who are hopelessly neurotic over the last minute, end of semester rush. i am happy to report that i have just one pending final to fail and then i am done for a month. today, i kicked my mandatory oral presentation in anthro out of the way, and let me just say it was an experience. there is nothing quite like having a panic attack during an oral presentation in a close atmosphere with about a dozen people sitting at desks in a circle. i thought i would go blind or pass out and could not stop nervously raking back my hair or shaking uncontrollably. i should have just announced that i was coming off a hard drug and to excuse me for my mentally fucked up state. thankfully, i trudged through it like the soldier that i am but unfortunately i don't have any fucking idea what the fuck i said during those ten minutes of blind panic. toward the end of class, there was a girl who talked for twenty goddamn minutes about deaf... sorry, Deaf culture, and although i found it interesting i badly wanted to reach across our circle of pseudo-intellectualism and thwack her good with a remarkably heavy book. you could tell she really knew her shit, but everybody was dying to stand up in the middle of her speech and run for the door. at least i knew i was. what is it with people like her? have they no respect for time limits?
also, on the way home there was a large bail of hay seated in the middle of the highway for no apparent reason. it was hilariously random to pass it and look in my rearview mirror to see people freak out and swerve toward the brake down lane like retards. i've lost any sympathy for crappy drivers quite rapidly due to my experiences lately with some pretty colossal pricks. in conclusion, i think i ought to own the roads and that camrys should always have the right of way. (along with apollo of course, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
nonsex_elijah
i don't think i am going to do the tutoring thing, it's just not for me.
contemplative10th December 2005
on thursday my english teacher loudly proclaimed in class that she needed to see me- naturally, we were all assuming i was fucked, for whatever reason. but all she did was adulate me and say she'd like me to be a class link tutor. i am still confused as hell about this, because i am barely eighteen and she wants me to tutor a college course. we had two tutors this semester and when it came to helping students write papers, they did as much or more work than the teacher did herself, not to mention they were in their 20s or 30s and i believe they were both graduate students. my teacher obviously likes me a lot (however, her knack for assessment is overwhelmingly retarded) but i don't know if i should tutor. i have got to be the most unreliable person on the face of the planet and i don't understand why she didn't pick someone more qualified. i have such a fucked up education and i don't know anything about counseling people with their writing- plus, honesty around strangers doesn't come easily to me nor does patience. and important to note, the fact that this is a bit of a long term commitment makes me want to duck and run for life. on the flip side, i will be getting paid. i cannot wait until they give me money for being the shittiest tutor imaginable. have any of you tutored, and want to throw out any tips i could follow in order to suck less at this new job?
nervous6th December 2005
jesus god. i am so fucked. tomorrow i have an exam in anthropology that's worth a third of my grade, and i've barely studied! i was feeling under the weather since saturday and couldn't focus. i have at least 50 things to memorize on a bunch of collective lists that may or may not be included. he gave us all 10 essays to write on, memorize, and is only going to choose 4 for the exam- and we're only answering 3! it's a complete fucking waste of time. honestly, what is the point of these types of exams? to teach you how to cram really, really hard? it's not like we're going to remember any of it- except maybe little details like how holy mayan priests used to flay the skin of their human sacrificies and walk around in them. but i seriously don't care about the ten types of marriage and family and it's a lot of boring shit to remember. and i feel so fucking out of it because i had two really bad panic attacks today and had to pull off the road. mentally, i am spent. i just wish christmas vacation was here already.
damn, has anyone bought their tickets to the lestat musical yet? i haven't. i need to start sucking up to people with money immediately.
groggy26th November 2005
okay, i did this weird face recognition demo and it claims i look like the following people: ( ... )
they even listed lucy liu. SERIOUSLY WTF. you've got to try this, haha.
complacent24th November 2005
my mom finally apologized today and said she was "mortified" by what she did, and that she's "really going to try" this time. i wonder how anyone can stand lying so often. i constantly feel like killing my grandmother, she has to be the most annoying person on earth and i the meanest granddaughter, but i can't help it. she won't leave any of us alone and i even heard my mother complaining about it. my grandmother keeps inviting herself into my room and reprimanding me for the unhealthy ways in which i express my anger. i told her that the silent treatment i was dishing out was an isolated incident, only because what my mother did was so horrible and i knew if i dared open my mouth in front of her, things would get ugly very fast. last time i tried to be "honest" i slammed a glass door so hard that it shattered and a few pieces flew out and cut her- that happened, and i consider myself very rational and harmless. i am also a saint compared to how belligerent my sister is and the rages she's flown into on account of my mother's drinking. so, i'd really rather keep my silence than go on a rampage. i begrudgingly agreed to eat dinner with everyone, which will most likely be exceptionally dysfunctional, especially with my sister there too. the only good thing about today is that it is snowing. i keep reading all these thankful entries, and i'd like to contribute, but i'm definitely not in the mood. maybe next year.
i do hope the rest of you are having a good day.
tired20th November 2005
sick18th November 2005
my birthday was pretty pathetic. i ran for an hour in the morning while ignoring the pain in my foot, and now i am a limping mess. i have been angry off and on all day at that kid who ripped off my essay. my mother is still drunk and no one was around for hours, so i was all alone with my lame foot and nothing to do. then, i discovered that my advisor royally fucked up my spring semester schedule, and that half of it is wrong- i can't take italian i and human anatomy because they're both the second parts of what are whole year programs. and obviously, i don't have the necessary prerequisites. anxiety attacks ensued during the early afternoon. so i am mad as hell and i don't know when i can meet with him to fix it what with thanksgiving break coming up, and after that any extra classes i might like could be filled up. it's horrible, i thought i had everything worked out.
so then my grandmother arrived and subjected ditty and i to several of her stories which were SO unbelievably long and boring. i couldn't chance making eye contact with him or i would burst out laughing. and she basically brought her whole refrigerator over here, and whipped all this food out i've never even heard of and had the whole kitchen reeking of basil. we all ate some cake although i had lost my appetite and had those life conversations that are important but really unpleasant to go through. then my mother came down and insisted that i open her presents. i kept saying no, and she wouldn't let up. i finally snapped at her that it was retarded of me to talk to her when she wouldn't remember anything tomorrow, and i don't want any fucking presents. meanwhile, she wouldn't talk directly to me, and apologized to my grandmother repeatedly but never to me even though she ruined my birthday. to conclude this fucked up day, sara warned us not to stumble downstairs in the night because we all know that she sleeps naked and we might not like it if we walked in on seeing her bare ass bent over in the refrigerator, holding the disgusting basil she invaded it with. and that is what turning eighteen is like, at least in my house.
uncomfortable