| we are vagabonds, we travel without seatbelts on, we live this close to death. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 27th, 2009|12:47 am] |
the created world we bore against, towards,
from which outward
we are swallowed
if nothing stopped me, and i could see
ourselves removed to be
everything i wanted
feeling less like a mouse
and more like the smooth and flattest paper
you felt you had become one evening before we met |
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| cross posting |
[Feb. 20th, 2009|07:26 pm] |
for those of you who are not already aware:
I'm leaving austin in 8 or 9 days and I will be on the road until June, or July, or whenever our money or desire to be gone run out. I will be in New Mexico, then Colorado, Utah, Nevada, California, Oregon, and Washington for sure and possibly other places in between or after.
If you live in, know anyone who lives in, or know ANYTHING about:
Roswell, NM
Santa Fe, NM
Pike's Peak
Denver
Boulder
Estes Park
Moab, UT
Las Vegas
Kyle Canyon
Highway 1
Big Sur
SF/Oakland
Portland or Eugene, OR
Seattle, WA
or anything out there, in betwee, in Canada, or wherever...
please let me know. We're camping and sleeping in the car and with friends primarily so anything is helpful. Any information at all. It will only be me and my boyfriend and my small, well behaved dog and we're happy to camp in people's backyards if they don't want us in the house. 3 clean, respectful, quiet, well-behaved bodies. I need all the information I can get.
Thanks!
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| your interests as a novelty |
[Jan. 27th, 2009|02:17 am] |
Forever in the future, it will feel like, you're going to lose your false identity. You'll cry, with such stinging clarity, when you think of how heavy the skin you'll shed felt for all those years. You'll cry because your burden, your cross, your sense of entitlement-- the one thing will be lost. Everyone will be crying most honestly. "All these years we needed to be honest and sad to really feel", everyone will cry! "All these years we caged happiness and love inside our language, my life spiraled down while I pretended to be!" We forgive that instinct inside of us that betrays our every desire, and accept the uncontrollable power of being over the restricting force of ego. We really will change, instead of tabling our fears for a more convenient day, and hiding behind a word. Change. Hope. They mean nothing plastered blue, gaudy on the bumper of your car. They are minions of evil and destruction if we let them be, if we become idle as we hide behind a slick politician's campaign slogan. Do you want change? Change, then. You will, I think. Open your eyes any day you wish and ask yourself if you know what you are doing. Does that question frighten you, now, now that you are not a child? No benevolent forces drag you through, you drag yourself through. So do you know what you are doing? Of course not, nobody knows, no, no, no. But the false identity will not commit to that. It screams, "IF JUST! IF JUST!" and you go to sleep really believing that something will justify the way you act. It won't, though. And if you force your life energies into a stupid idea, a wasteful or evil corporation, a fraud, nothing you believe in, only for the money; if you lend your life to a compromise, you will always feel cold. Yes no WONDER if you'll feel judgmental or resentful of people who don't conform to your idea of responsibility or happiness. You are your actions and it must feel lonely to have no real ones to which you can commit. Everyone is only their actions. No credibility is going to save you. It's not, because because because (he or she said or they have), it's not just if. Commit, admit, be prepared to take blame. Love is not a novelty in even it's lowest or most novel forms..a pet is real, do you love your pet or do you love the idea of having the pet? And do you love your work, or do you love the idea of having work to do? Would it not feel natural and easier to do only what you can, take only what you deserve, and know that at any given moment you can be the voice behind the actions and reactions of your life? To say, I did what I felt was right and real, I tried my absolute best to accomplish honest goals, and that is all I've ever wanted or needed. I will not say that as I push forward I will never encounter compromise or shame, these are words and wishes, not a vow. I am plagued by my self-inflicted limitations, as scared as anyone. But I have honest goals, I am seeking truth and love but not artificially, I am balancing the chaos inside with the face I must present every day to coexist, I believe in what I am trying to accomplish even more so because of the uncertainties to what, exactly, that is.
i guess i need to make an internet home for deep thoughts with erynn chelsey, live journal isn't quite right. plus i have like 250 polaroids now and drawings and all sorts of stuff that i feel i should be sharing..
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 23rd, 2009|12:40 pm] |
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just let me make it through these days! |
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| also, |
[Sep. 30th, 2008|12:56 am] |
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i guess everything i've said lately has been pretty weird, but honestly it's all still okay and i want to kiss all of your faces. |
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| we are in love, we are at war |
[Aug. 21st, 2008|12:11 pm] |
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i wish i could put into words my summer, and what it meant to me, and everything i learned but i cannot. all the poetic lyrical flourishing language cannot even begin to explain. i'll remember in different ways, then, and you'll never know. let's live and move to paris and live and move to san francisco and live and leave and see and that is my only concern. that is my definition of success, even if i never compete with the monumental material landfills collecting everywhere. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 24th, 2008|01:37 pm] |
I think I'm tired of writing about my life in here. I think, if anyone should know about my life, they should be in it. So call me, or come see, or make plans, or write a letter. Come see my baby pets, come see my brown velvet couch and ice cream cone lamp, come meet my wonderful room mates and play catch phrase with strangers, come swimming, just be a part of my life. Pictures of Kenzington don't really do him justice, you need to come feel he and Chloe's soft fur. I can't really tell anybody about the flower carved cabinets any more. What good are all the loose descriptions and half-hearted attempts to convey the way I feel? These things are just fillers, corn mashed into your diet.
"I know myself, and that is all!" |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 18th, 2008|03:02 pm] |
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how do you fight it? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 8th, 2008|08:43 pm] |
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I just realized that my purpose in life is to open a no-kill animal shelter. That's what I'll do. So that I can finally save all the little critters. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 30th, 2008|03:38 am] |
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I'm the same as I was when I was six years old, and oh my god, I feel so damn old. I don't really feel anything. On a plane, I can see the tiny lights below, and oh my god, they look so alone. Do they really feel anything? Oh my god, I've gotta gotta gotta gotta move on. Where do you move when what you're moving from is yourself? |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 17th, 2008|10:55 pm] |
i'm happy
i just have to stay one steppppp ahead |
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| i just want back in your head |
[Feb. 12th, 2008|12:30 am] |
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I really want to succeed. I just want to be wonderful.
But sometimes I simply cannot.
I know why there is a difference between average people and wonderful people -
because wonderful is hard.
There are things just aching to get out,
I feel like I could explode
from all the love in my heart,
but I don't know where to put it,
and sometimes I get so sleepy I cannot do
a goddamned thing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 5th, 2007|12:42 pm] |
"Dear lady- I often thought at the time that I'd have to kill myself. Is everyone's path that difficult?"
She stroked my hair with a hand that was light as air.
"It's always difficult to be born. As you know, the bird must make an effort to break out of the egg. Think back and ask: Was the path really that difficult? Merely difficult? Wasn't it also beautiful? Could you have thought of a more beautiful or easier one?"
I shook my head.
"It was difficult," I said, as if asleep, "it was difficult until the dream came."
She nodded and looked at me penetratingly.
"Yes, one must find one's dream, then the path becomes easy. But no dream lasts forever, each one is replaced by a new one, and you shouldn't try to hold onto any of them." |
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