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Tomorrow is the 9th grade cruise... -.-;
I still haven't gotten shoes which would be good for it...I got the dress...but I need to get the shoes, my hair cut, and things like that... :: sighs :: We finally got my room back together, but everything else is still out of place. Now on my website I have 84 members! :: squeals and claps hands :: I'm SO proud! T_T!!!
Woah...I just realized it's almost 9:30 and I haven't eaten breakfast, lunch, or dinner... o_o;;;
Man...I need to remember to eat. Jeez, my memory is getting bad enough to prove I can't remember that I need to eat. :: scratches the back of her head :: I want meat...I want to eat something good and juicey...like a bbqed pork chop... >> Those are so good... x3 The only thing I can find is bam bam shrimp from Bonefish Grill... Spicey, but good! :: licks lips :: I want more... @_@
Ah...well anyways I don't have anything to say. o_o;;
So night?
- Ruri Current Mood:  hungry Current Music: They - Jem |
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Oh how I love being upset. I've been quite pissed off for a few days....I hate people...I hate everything. I'm getting upset again. I don't want to go back to the hospital...I don't want my parents to know I'm crying. There are alot of things I don't like and I don't want. I saw something today...something that hurt me alot again. I hate girls...I hate people...No one insulted me or made fun of me...but it was something else. It didn't have to do with me at all... I'm sure some of you can guess. I want to hurt something, but if I hurt myself I'll only get in trouble.
Nothing is fair...it's not like I don't appreciate people caring about me, but sometimes I just wish they didn't care. I'm a bad person for not trusting people, I don't see what everyone sees in me, or likes me for. They just can't see I'm a bad person. Why does everyone enjoy being my friend? Aren't they noticing that I hurt them? Not physically but emotionally without even meaning to. I don't understand why they don't let me just crawl off and die. I deserve it. For all I've done, I'm better off dead. Worrying other people, making them cry, snapping at them when I was angry... Some people only see those as menial things, but they're big to me. I wasn't able to trust Zero and that proves how much worse I am. Why can't I just go off and die? Everyone was better off not knowing me... I know
I've helped a few people out. For instance, when I met Christina Hannick, she didn't have any friends and I became her friend and helped her make friends. I've helped out Jessica Shelton in being her friend and helping her feel better...I've helped quite a few people...but they enjoy being around me because they found that I was 'nice'. I'm not a good person at all... From all I've done, the bad things outweigh the good. It's been a while since I've been able to cry...the last time I cried was after I tried to kill myself. For some reason, during that time I couldn't cry. I don't know why.
Oh my...well this is just LOVELY. How I absolutly LOVE mood swings... :: sarcasm :: Oh how fucking lovely. Next thing we know it I'll be singing and skipping around the house until I fall down the stairs and break my neck. :: snarls :: God how I HATE HUMANS. I HATE THEM! :: makes hand gestures of strangling and stabbing people :: My therapist told me that if we can't get rid of my 'violent urges' I'll be stuck in therapy for a while. I don't think I should have told her I nearly two people 2 or 3 weeks ago, nor should have I told her that I hate seventh graders who don't know their place. :: cracks knuckles :: I'm in such a bad mood, I think I wanna go out and exercise until I faint. Maybe while I'm at it I'll starve myself. :: growls and drops to the ground :: I need to torture myself... I wish I had one of those...what do you people call them? Treadmills? Well how ever the fuck it's spelt... Anyways, I think I'm done showering you all in slightly depressing and annoying ranting... I'm off to go pray that some people a horrible, painful, slow, bloody death.
-Ruri
 Which Guilty Gear X character are you? Current Mood:  distressed Current Music: Ugly - Dir En Grey |
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Feh
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May. 17th, 2005 @ 04:02 pm
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Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday...Holy shit I hate this day more than Monday. -_-;;; I have horse riding today and I reaaaally dun wanna go... -snort- Ziggy is such an ass...last time he tried to bite my boob. D: That wouldn't have tickled. :: coughs :: Anyways, Today was uneventful...unlike yesterday. My friend took me to do yoga...it was the weirdest fuckin thing I've ever done in my life. They made us do atleast 1000 stretches, I was so tired and my stomach hurt. We were doing stomach excercises. Later on they made us go like, "I love my knees! I love my healthy knees!" Then a bit later they made us go, "I love my face! I love my beautiful face!" x_x;;; I was so weirded out and confused, I only ended up staring at people like they were crazy.
Now onto other matters, nothing too bad has been going on, on M.M. Nothing too eventful, I supposta be working on a tournament, but I feel really stressed about everything on the website. Ever since that whole slave problem and everyone getting pissed, I've been stressed and have been pissed for a while. I'd take a vacation from M.M. if only people didn't go insane and I wouldn't worry so much.
Mur, these CDs are SHIT! We have atleast 50 and only 4 out of 20 have worked properly, all the others have problem, my computer isn't the problem, it's able to burn CDs properly it's only the CDs. Holy shit...nothing is working anymore... I'm trying to click on stuff but it's not working. -_-; :: growls:: ...my mouse accidentally got unplugged so this is kinda hard... Ah scratch that, everything is working again. o_o;
Anyways, I have nothing else to post so... >>Current Mood:  relaxed Current Music: Resident Evil Main Theme - Marilyn Manson |
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May. 13th, 2005 @ 07:00 pm
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God, I'm so stressed. -_- School is out in 4 weeks and I'm still not out of the hole for my grades. Everyone wants to come over to my house today, and I really don't want to be around people anymore. I just want to lock myself away in my closet and rot. I think everyone just wants to make me depressed all over again... I just want to strangle someone or kill something. I'm starting to wish murdering people was legal. --; Everything is pissing me off, people from my website, just people in general, my drawings, my files on my computer, I SWEAR EVERYTHING IS! :: explodes :: -sigh- Man...I don't know how to explain how I feel, its somewhere between angry, stressed, bored, and depressed. I feel so...blah... Nothing good ever seems to happen anymore. Even I'm getting bored with my website, there is something really wrong with me. I think its because they increased my anti-depressant. Ahhh...well I've got some friends over, so matane! -RuriCurrent Mood:  energetic Current Music: Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen |
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God...everyone just has to piss me off, don't they? HUH? DON'T CHA?! -snarl- I come home in a good mood and first thing I do is check on M.M. and get pissed off. Okay, I emptied some of the forums out from no activity for atleast over a week. I deleted some members because one, they were inactive, and two I didn't think Assassin would come back. -breathes in and out- Okay...I think I'm better. I don't think I can keep up with M.M. It's making me stressed out about how upset my members are and what's been happening... This is becoming all too frusterating... x____x;
I need to get me some mods to help me...
Onto other things I've been talking to one of my friends, and I think this is so adorable, but she has this crush on a guy and to show her feelings, she drew a picture for him that showed her feelings. ::starts crying again:: It is so adorable! -is a big sap for lovey-dovey things- I hope he likes her back! T____T
-sigh- Anyways... I've been having problems today, really bad ones. I can't pay attention. All of a sudden I was staring outside of the classroom in my 5th period for about 5 minutes. It happened too at lunch, and in english. Mina and Mai were waving their hands infront of my eyes, trying to get me to stop staring off into space. All day I literally wasn't thinking of anything, nothing was going through my head.It took me quite a bit to focus on atleast something, but what made it even harder is that my attention span isn't even the size of a mouse. x______X;;
Anything else to mention? >> Uh...I did draw a picture of Viki from Suikoden 4, Yun from Suikoden 3, and my avatar from Gaia... They're all quite nice drawings.. @___@ :: really likes them and is very proud of them. :: I'mma have to scan them when I feel like it... >> I'm thinking about doing it tonight after my internet shuts off... :: is really excited to show it to Elly :: x3 Uh...I think I'm finished now... o_o; Um...now for the quizes! x3 :: took the same quiz over and over...:: @_@; Result number 1
You are Apple OS X. You are beautiful, stable, and a catgirl. It’s no wonder people love you. It's sometimes a little annoying that so many people stick with the obviously inferior Windows, but since you know you’re better, you don't let it bother you much.
Result number 2
Which OStan are you?
You are Windows 95. You are the oldest of the Windows girl who still hangs around, so you're bit more mature than some of the others, but not really any more effective. You dress and act like a traditional Meiji-era Japanese girl most of the time, but when confronted with your hated rivals, the Apple-tans, your katana comes out and you go for the kill.
Current Mood:  annoyed Current Music: Moonlight Shadow - Missing Heart |
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I'm sorry everyone...that its ending this way. I might not come back. :: smiles weakly :: I don't blame Zero-san...its just I wasn't good enough for him. He said he loved me just because he pitied me. And I forgive him for that...I'll always forgive him. The only thing I hold against him, is that he lied to me. I hate people who lie...Its hurt me deeply. I don't think I'll be able to recover from this...Its my fault I let this happen. I don't blame Hollow...I don't blame her at all...I'm happy she told me. Because now I won't keep on living in a lie... Jin, please tell Hiei and Kimi I love them and that I'm sorry... Jordan...I am sorry to you and everyone else. I might not come to school on Monday. By tomorrow you'll have known what I did by the post in my journal on Gaia. I'm sure Zero-sama dosen't care about me or what I do...because I wasn't enough...I was never enough. No matter what I did I wouldn't ever be enough...I'm sorry. You guys will never be able to forgive me for this... If I live, you guys don't have to be my friends anymore...I can understand if you guys hate me. I still don't think its Zero-san's fault though...
Goodbye everyone. I love you all...
- Meghan Wilkins
Mar. 18th, 2005 @ 11:37 pm
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Another horrible day... :: sighs :: I don't know how much longer I can take this. Its almost been a week ever since I started getting angry. Nothing is helping. I'm feeling more depressed and angry at the world and myself. I can't stand it. While talking to Doom Man, Lyra, and Amber...I accidentally clicked something someone sent me, and it was sent to everyone. Then... :: coughs :: SOMEONE IMed me and began to lecutre me on what I did. And well really...I was involved with this person a while ago, and talking to them again...I'm still not over what happened and what I did. So I ended up bursting into tears and having suicidal thoughts all over again. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be like this...Just talking to him made me feel even more angry and guilty. I can't live with myself anymore. I promised everyone I wouldn't do anything, but I can't keep that promise.
Its hurting me too much, I can't stand it any longer. I don't know what I'm going to do. If I do anything, I'll be sent back 'there'. and If I go back there, I swear I will die of misery. I want to die...I want to end this all. I can't live with myself any more. I hate myself. but if I die, it means I'm being greedy again... one of my friends told me that if I died, she would literally go insane. Theres nothing I can do...all I can do is sit here and suffer. If I die, my friends told me they'd kill themselves after me. Zero-sama said the same thing. I want to cry. I just want to sit down and cry until I can't anymore. But my body won't let me. Its like I've cried so much that I can't anymore.
Nothing is going to help anymore. I've bene having thought too about Zero-sama leaving me...and telling me he dosen't love me anymore. All I can see after that is just giving up on life. I keep thinking everything is going to end for me, and that I'm just going to end up alone. My friends hating me, Zero-sama hating me, and me just being sent back to the hospital. Nothing is mattering anymore...I feel like I'm getting desperate. I went to these doctors that are doing studies on depression, and they began talking about being clingy, for example, a friend decided to leave you, and you begin doing anything and everything in your power to try and make them stay your friend. You send them gifts, and whatnot... I feel like I'm becoming like that, enough to beg someone not to leave me. But I'm not suppost to be like that. I have to let people do what they please. It would be pathetic of me to beg someone not to leave me. And I don't want to be pathetic. All that will bring is pity from others. I don't want pity. I don't want it at all... I hate this. I hate it so much.
No matter how much I cry, and what I do, nothing gets better. I try to be happy, but its not working. I try to be kind to my friends like I once was...but for some reason I'm getting all snappy at them. (I mentioned that in my last entry) I don't know what to do anymore. Everyone is trying to help me with all their power...but only one person has been able to atleast make me feel better. Lyra's friend Amber. She was the first actual person to make me feel compleatly better...One person out of all the people I am friends with. Thats really really sad. Some of them can make me feel a little better, but not compleatly. I don't know whats happening to me anymore. I want to stop feeling this way. Usually I'm only like this for a couple days, but its been over 5 days... :: sighs :: I'm sure my talking about this is getting annoying...I just need somewhere to vent it out. I don't want any bullshit from people about how I keep complaining. If you don't like my complaining and ranting, you can just fuck off and stop reading. Lets get onto something brighter. I'd say what was brighter, but there isn't really anything bright thats happened today. I went to a play with my friend Ari, which was nice. It was actually a really good one. it was called, The Woman in Black. It was about a ghost. I guess you could say...a tortured soul. Quite a sad play, but good. It was worth my time. And since it was worth my time, I suggest to all of you whom live in Seattle to go and see it. It was near Pacific Plave or whatever it is called. :: sighs ::
I don't wanna go to school tomorrow. I can see myself having a breakdown there and being sent back to the hospital. The next time that happens, it could be my last time at school. Its happened 2 times already...I might be kicked out of school and sent to another one for people who are depressed. I don't want that. I love my school, because my friends are there. I don't want to be alone. Or if i have another breakdown they might send me to FairFacts. Or however its spelt. That place is long term, and while at the hospital...I heard bad stories about what happened to people there. Some were attacked in their sleep and so on. Its dangerous there, the people there are compleatly serious about death and hurting others. They told me when I went there, that if you do not comply, they're tie/strap you down to your bed. So as you could say...its a hell hole there. I'd rather be killed by someone than go there... ( Really to me, the worst thing that could happen would be, being raped, or killed by someone else other than yourself. In my mind, I won't let ANYONE other than myself, kill me.)
I seriously can't take this anymore. If anything happpens, I swear that I'll lose control of myself. I'm having a hard time contorling myself at the moment. Its harder than its ever been. Its never been like this before. Its going past back when I was really depressed. Its either this medication, or I'm just getting worse. My doctor made me promise to move my death date to December. It was going to be originally after tha anime convention, after my sisters birthday. I originally didn't notice my sister's birthday was the day after the anime convention. Nor did I know Sha-Sha's birthday was then. I can't die then anymore. it'd be like a horrible birthday present for my sister and Sha-Sha, just like when grandpa died...he died 4 days after my birthday.
I think I'm being punished by someone...I feel like someone is toying with my life, like I'm a little doll. Its not fair. I didn't want to be this way. Some people think I'm doing it for attention...but would I begin to cut myself to peices, and cry my eyes out for attention? I don't want attention. I hate having attention. It makes me feel embarrassed and nervous. And when something happens to me and people at school find out...they start talking about me. I hate it. I feel like shit. I feel like I'm nothing. I don't feel worthy of living. If I'm part of this horrible race...being a human is the worst thing... I hate this race...I despise it. I abhor it. Since I am apart of this race...I don't diserve to live. This race is lowely, filthy, pathetic, barbaric, I could trail on and on about how horrible we are. For all we know...I'm not even worthy of the friends I have. They're all too kind and good for me. I don't diserve them. I just don't diserve this family.
Its not that I hate my family and friends. I actually have the best life I could ever think I could get. I have a loving family, friends, all the stuff I want...but yet, I'm miserable. I don't understand why. No matter how happy I try to be and how much I try to make myself happy, nothing is working. It works on the outside but not on the inside. I can't stand to smile one more time. I don't want to fake smile anymore, I don't want to fake laugh anymore. I'm sick of it. I don't want to pretend I'm happy to stop my friends from worrying. I don't want them to worry, but I just can't take it anymore. I'm falling apart on the inside, I feel empty, and hollow inside. Like some has dug out my insides. Its not fair. Its like this is all a bad dream and I can never wake up from. :: sighs deeply :: Even venting this out on here isn't working. Usually it helps...but its not anymore. Maybe I am fucked. Maybe I am stuck like this for the rest of my life, misreble and wishing to die, but not being able to die... Anyways, here is to end my post. A quiz I found. Oh boy.
<a href="http://sparrow.net.tc" target="_blank"><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v98/xsparrow/shadow2.jpg" border=0></a>
<br><font style="font:10px verdana;"><a href="http://sparrow.net.tc" target="_blank">Which Elemental Are You?</a></font><br><font style="font:10px verdana;"><i>Quiz from <a href="http://sparrow.net.tc" target="_blank" title="sparrow* - http://sparrow.net.tc">Sparrow</a></i></font>
Mar. 6th, 2005 @ 08:53 pm
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| » Argh |
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Well...its once again. been a while since I've posted... Nothing muhc has happened except me being more pissed than I ever have. To the point where I don't even want to talk to my friends about it. So up until about 5 PM this night, I finally clicked into 'happy mode' when I found a Botan and Kurama fanfic. So just to make it short, ever since the last time I've posted, my life has gone down by about 5 feet. -.-
Nothing has kept me happy in the past few days, and I'm afraid of going back 'there'. I really have a bad feeling, like I'm going to have to go back for a week. And all I see out of that is me crying till no end. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I've been trying to hold back a few urges that would send me back, but its really not working. Its actually making it sound much better every time I think about it. :: sighs :: As for anything else, I'm just sure everyone is out there just to piss me off. So if you ask me whats wrong, you'd better be ready to lose a body part. --
Getting an answer from me about how I've been feeling is like a death sentence. Now on to my Rp site, well it seems that it is dying slowly and painfull, but I will strive on trying to revive it. Most of the orginal members are back, out of luck and a few bulk-e-mails to all members. -.-; but its still gunna take alot of work, and I have to fix up the layout. Cause it sucks ass. Eh, I finished my fanfic a few minutes ago and am now back to being pissed and depressed. Woo. While my friends were talking to me today, they told me I was acting weird. I told them I am more normal that I could ever be. This is actually how I really feel most of the time. -.-
Do you think acting like this is 'weird'? Hell no. Not to me. This is normal. Most of the time they see me as this hyper, bouncy, optemistic girl. But you know, thats not all the time. I've got like 3 different personalities in here. -.- What they don't understand is that its not weird at all to be pissed! If they could care less, they really shouldn't harass me about how I'm acting! It just fuckin pisses me off even more! I just want to throw something out the window or tear something apart. >.< GRAH! It also makes me to carry out that certain urge... :: twitches then sighs :: Okay, I'm good, I'm a happy child, I'M THE HAPPIEST FUCKING CHILD IN THE WORLD! :: THROWS HER COMPUTER AT THE WALL THE PUSHES THE TV TO SMASH ON THE GROUND ::
:: sits down in her chair and crosses arm :: Okay, I'm finished. Wait, no I'm not. Lets continue on with this ranting about how angry I am at everything. Almost being sent back to the hell hole has pissed me off! Just because I yelled at my parents, threw the phone at the wall, refused to leave the house, and broke down into tears. Come on everyone. Thats why you leave a ver pissed off female ALONE. ::Tugs on her hair :: THAT IS A STUPID REASON WANTING TO SEND ME BACK!
They were like, "If you don't stop acting like this, your going back 'there'. Ever since then, my life has sucked more than anything and I have been more angry at them than I ever have. I mean what if that place says I'm too much in a serious condition that they have to send me to a long term place. And I'm talking 3 monthes. If that ever happens, I swear I'll be dead sooner than you know it. If I ever have to go there I swear I will cry my eyes out and rip my body to peices with my bare hands.
::sighs :: Alright. I think everyone kind of gets the idea of how pissed off I am lately. All I want to do is be left alone, allowed to do what I want, to be able to relax, and actually have someone not try to piss me off. Lately I've even began to get pissed at my friends, just for saying something. I can understand for my sister, but my friends? I really think I'm getting seriously stressed if I start getting pissy and snappy at my friends.
Through out my whole life, I've never been that way towards friends, and I've always been open to tell them anything. But you know, with all thats happened to me, I really can't trust anyone anymore. I'm still having trouble trying to trust Zero-sama, let alone my best friends. I don't think any of this is healthy at all. All of this makes me kind of want to go back , but most of me hates it there and would litterally make me miserable, wait did I say miserable? I mean beyond miserable! No words can ever express my misery while I'm there. :: coughs :: Holy shit this thing is long. This is the longest post I've ever done for ANY of my online journals... O.o; This proves how much I rant I guess...
Mar. 5th, 2005 @ 10:55 pm
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Well, it seems I don't post much anymore... ^^;;;;; Tis kinda odd to post... >> Anyways... I gotz a meatbun! Pork at that!!! :: hugs meatbun happily as the insides gush out on the floor :: ^o^ I LOVE MY MEATBUNS! :: squeal :: Anyways, at the moment mutti is talking to me to take my meds, and I right now am listening to Dir En Grey. :: sighs :: Man I would LOVE it if they came here... @.@ :: screams and has a crazy freaky fangirl moment... :: Anyways, I'm headin off to my friend Ari's party for her birthday. Not much of a party due to it being only 3 people... o.o;;; So anyways! Matane! :: waves :: >> << :: is looking around for that guy I piss off by saying 'smexy':: SMEXY SMEXY SMEXY!!!!!!!!! :: runs away ::
Sorry everyone No Quiz of the Day! ^^;;;;;
Jan. 21st, 2005 @ 03:28 pm
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| » Blargh! ^_^ |
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HEY EVERYONE! Long time no post! YEAH! Well Its after Christmas and I'm stuck in my little room downstairs...well actually its kinda big and I've been on the compie for hours! ^____^ I'm quite a happy little person down here and all...but yeah! Nothing much to say but I'm TRYING to be happy and not having any luck... T_T;;; Turns out one of my friend...Brother Seventeen died in a car crash on Christmas... :: sigh :: I'm going to miss him alot... Anyways! Heres the quiz of the day! :: IS VERY PROUD OF IT!!!:: 
Kaoru is a definate keeper! Plus, he'd be a great
husband too!
Which Dir en Grey member would be your ideal boyfriend?
brought to you by Quizilla
Dec. 27th, 2004 @ 08:08 pm
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ruri_chan_
