The View Through My Rose Colored Glasses..

riot_girl14_ @ 2004-01-24T14:33:00

2004-01-24T20:27:10Z

I'm Getting a new lj. I realized the whole Riot girl scene really didnt fit me anymore, and well, after all, I'll be 15 in september, The whole finding-myself thing has started up again.

www.livejournal.com/~MakeItASecret_

Or

www.livejournal.com/users/makeitasecret_

See you there?

Christmas, Daniel, and Bryan Adams

2003-12-27T02:10:46Z

So christmas was yesterday of course, actually it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. We went to my Aunt Karen's and all the girls did this Parrafin Hand wax thing, and then we all played Catch Phrase, the guys won because they kept handing it to us right when it buzzed! Hmpf, lol. It was actually really strangely nice, Christmas is the only time we're all there together, even if the day before we were all fighting, it's strange, I guess the Spirit Of Christmas really does exist, even if we're all in doubt of him.
Christmas Day I spent most the night talking with Daniel, and I took a major step..Giving him my picture
I seriously could not breathe, thinking about how he was going to think of it, or if his opinion would change about me, or if It'd disappoint him, or, I had a million scenarios running through my head, I swear when it loaded i exed out and was starting to get mad at myself. But Daniel of course,..He never fails to be amazing..He told me it had always been about the insides anyway, and He said It was a photo, and that picture or not, he'd always be here, and here's the thriller. You know what he said? We were getting into a tiff about truth v.s lies, and i said "which is worse? A lie that draws a smile, or the truth that draws a tear?" and he said "Oh, you want me to be truthful then, I'll be truthful!" and I said "What, I'm bugging you, I'm sorry!" and he said "No, of course not. I wanted to say something nice and truthful. You're beautiful."

We both had to go because of our older brothers at the same time, and Now I keep referring to his photo..It's really quirky, It was taken in complete darkness on a field trip to germany for disneyland, on a boat! He was wearing braces and he was laughing, but he hated his brace so much, he wouldnt let himself show teeth, and the flash was blinding, as I said..It's such a quirky photo..But I can't make myself Ex out at the same time...

What's going on? It's kinda scaring me...

heh, right this second I'm listening to Bryan Adams, whom Daniel introduced me to, at first I thought it was so cheezy, or boring, or something like that, but now I listen to them when Im not talking to him, they make me think of him. The songs have grown on me, too.

..I refuse to fall for this guy, I mean, it's insane! He lives an entire ocean away! He's too good for me! He's not even interested!

Why am i debating on this?!

It's simply just not an option.

Why is he so confusing??

UGH!

2003-12-23T05:46:44Z

There are few things more irritating than ignorant people looking to poke trouble. I'm looking up ICP fans on the livejournal thing and at Violet J's lj there was a bunhc of anonymous users saying things like "quit gaying up the internet, please. thanks" It bugs the heck out of me when people do that! If they don't like it, they don't have to read about it, but they CAN have the common decency to not be spiteful and keep their blind ignorance to themselves!!
Other than that little bit of ignorance that sets me off in a bad mood, I haven't heard from Leesha yet, and I'm supposed to be going to her house tomorrow for a pre-christmas for a sleepover. I got her present, along with Renay's and Leeshas!
They're sitting right in front of me, actually...
I really should wrap them
But whats on my mind is that we were supposed to go christmas shopping for my mom too but dad was too tired..
Christmas is three days away and mom knows we havent gotten her anything yet and I feel so awful...
It's been on my mind ever since we didn't go, my dad's supposed to pick me up from leeshas at 1 or around there and we'll go christmas shopping then and I really do hope plans work out..
Half of me is a Hardcore music Junkie Juggalette, but the other half of me is a bookish Sweet Country girl and a momma's girl..
You have no label to describe me and sometimes that leaves me really really confused, I should be happy that stereotypes can't touch me.
I'll write her a poem, she loves my writing
I have to do something for her NOW or I'll die of guilt,..Seeing her walk around with this little look of loneliness or disappointment is just heartbreaking. She tries to act like she doesnt care and she trusts us but I can see under and it hurts just to hear her say it. I want to get her something marvelously gorgeous that will take her breath away. I want to give her a perfect christmas, let her have a holiday, like that same joy of watching a three year old on Christmas eve, back when they're too Naive to know the truth about Santa or anything, that kind of small infinite joy..
This year the house has really been full of fighting, even though we all end up sorely talking like normal and forgetting it happened, we always get into a little argument every day!
It doesn't really feel like the holidays, everyone's in a really weird mood lately, not exactly deck the halls worthy.
I'll get to wrapping and writing that poem, and maybe think about this whole holiday thing a little more...If there's going to BE one this year.....

Rachel Maria

((oh P.S Daniel got AIM and he's gonna meet us online when I'm at leeshas! He wants to talk to my friends! Oh perfect, make christmas more complicated))

riot_girl14_ @ 2003-12-21T12:54:00

2003-12-21T19:06:49Z

I am getting so bored with this LJ, every time i read my own it looks so teenyboppish!
I'm thinking of before the new year's starts to ask Leesha to make me a layout as awesome as hers, I frankly don't see what the heck is soo hott about Bam Margera, I'm thinking maybe either of Kris Roe, or I was actually thinking maybe of something like with a digital picture of a girl writing in a Diary.
But one thing's for sure, I'm deleting my old entries, I was reading them and look! I say "durr" every five seconds and I look so obsessed with Daniel! I'm really not, it just always catches me by surprise how sweet and generous he is, but if he read all these he'd think I'm some psycho stalker or something!
I'm thinking of bringing a camera to Aleesha's on tuesday, when we've planned to have Renay over too, I asked her if it was a sleepover or a regular visit but she hasn't answered yet. I've been trying to make this scrapbook of our 8th grade year, because of course that's something we'll want to remember, right? And this is planned for the day before Christmas Eve, so I can get a lot of Seasonal shots of us all, and plus there's Alec there too, and I'm not sure if our other sevvie guyfriend Tony will make an appearance or not, but I am saying it'd be momentous.
There's a possibility of going Christmas shopping today or tomorrow, and I'm really cramming on what to get Aleesha and Renay. Not so much Renay, it's just that Aleesha and I get eachother things for birthdays and christmas and we always put not so much money, but creativity into it, like on my 14th birthday when she wrote me a poem, about all the things we've been through in the past 10 years we've been friends, like, Barbie Fights and Andre'..lol And then She had enclosed some black jelly bracelets I'd been wanting forever and the revis CD whom I'd been gushing about for ages before my birthday! So I'm really trying hard to make this one just as sentimental and squishy..lol
This entire day we've been housecleaning and I realkly should get back to work now, helpful hands make good christmas presents..lol, and go christmas shopping
Either way my brother's being a brat about the precious computer so I'm off for now?

And If I get grounded before Christmas Day, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good day

hm, that rhymed.
lol
Talk to ya later, hopefully

riot_girl14_ @ 2003-12-21T00:05:00

2003-12-21T06:28:53Z

I haven't gotten word from leesha all day which was freaking me out a little to be honest, but you can imagine my huge sigh of relief tuning into her livejournal and seeing a big fat entry. Phew!
She wrote a lot of things about christmas gifts and whatnot, and can you believe it? only 5 more days till Christmas! I really need to get on the ball about Christmas shopping, it's just snuck up on me so quickly, you can't honestly say this month hasn't gone by fast!
Seeing as Only Mckenzie and aleesha read this, I might do a little thing she did and list my plans?

lessie-

Aleesha- durr, SO not saying

Mckenzie- DOUBLE not saying!

Renay - I'm not sure, I was thinking of this black headband with those little spikes you find on bracelets and maybe some black nail polish of her own with some cool stripey socks ((we're famous for our weird colorful socks..lol))

My mom - I've got SOMETHING in mind but she skims these sometimes so i'm definitely not saying

my real dad-a card i made.. he's big on that stuff *rolls eyes*

My stepdad a.k.a DAD- a tool or something? lol

Brisa - I'm thinking yellow smileyfaced pajamas.. She's obsessed with the color yellow and she's on this yellow rampage where she has to wear something yellow and Im thinking of being nice on the parents so she can wear actual pajamas to bed now instead of boycotting and being extremely stubborn and wearing that very very worn out yellow shirt

my front tooth is loose...omygod......thats a friggin permanent tooth!!!!!!!!!!!!
great these stupid freaking braces have rotted my teeth away and i am destined too look like those hillbillies...

Um....*sweatdrop*

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS -
1. Stop Caring!
2. Quit not caring about school
3. Make sure teeth dont fall out
4. Be a better friend
5. Remember to shave my legs in the winter
6. Make miss Beyer not hate you..somehow
7. Make mr. mitchell not want to murder you..somehow
8. Stay friends with Daniel
9. Break Valentine's Day curse!!!!!!
10. Stay Babi Chulos with Nay and Leesha

I was talking to daniel today, he is so stinkin sweet. I told him Aleesha wanted to see his picture and he said not until he gets his new one,, he wants to look good for my friends!
We're not dating or anything, its weird, I got this really sweet email from him being so talked into a corner and sentimental and he said it in the sweetest way

I..I think I've fallen for you

And I even told him I think I might feel the same and after a while of smiling and talking i just said "so what does that make us?" and we agreed to be great friends..because we live so far apart.
It's strange, we have this really long term date planned for when we're older and out of our cute teenage years or so he'll hop on the plane, travel all over here from britain to meet me.
It's strange how he can make me so sad, but then just by doing whatever he does that i just have to internetly hug him and spazz with sudden happiness!

Either way, my fresh ex newfound freedom and sense of happiness is coming to a close, I'm tired of this nostalgia that gets colder and colder, if that makes sense?
I'm starting to feel that lonely feeling again, but i think i've messed up so many times this year that I dont really think i deserve another chance at love, so I make peace with it, i guess..

either way, I'm gonna go to bed soon, its almost 1 and i just want tomorrow to happen, call leesha before she goes to her grandmas

The very last day I'm home sick-I swear it!

2003-12-15T15:33:39Z

honestly, I think this is the last day of my miserable 4 day weekends lol
Yesterday how was I supposed to rest and get better when we had to decorate the house with christmas cheer and re-do my room? yes Leesha, now I need you to help me pick out posters and trinkets and my room will be brand new! Well, at least, as brand new as I'm willing to change!
lol
I found my The Ataris CD!

Yeah so right now cause I'm the only one here I put it in our DVD player and turned on the surround sound

Yunno, I haven't heard the ataris in a while, seeing as I lost it and the Tv's pretty much been occupied by BAD christmas specials, i.e NOT the ones we HAVE!!!!! like frosty, a christmas story, those kinds, and lately and I can't even watch them on Fuse because the tv's been clogged with news shows
I really don't see why dad watches that stuff, I mean, when a big news story like that Saddam Hussein capture hits, they don't have any other news and plus they just keep repeating the same stuff they have been1
yes yes, whatever, saddam hussein was captured, yada yada, how the heck am i supposed to be glad when I don't even know what the heck that MEANS!?!
But I really should pay attention...Might be in Scholastic bowl...
BEING GROWN UP
Isn't half as fun as growing up!
These are the best days of our lives!
The only thing that matters is just following your heart
and eventually you'll finalyl get it right!

lol, Hmm, pimple faced geeks, or poetic last-guy-on-earth-with-feelings helluva hottie Kris Roe?

What do you think?

I'm sick, I'm in no mood to THINK

Ooh god it's my favorite song! I forgot what its called because i lost the case and, well, lol, every time i hear it, the cd with the tracklist is, you know, being used.
lol
the one that says "I got your letter, and the poetry you sent me. Postmarked in December of last year. I really hope you're doing better. All your friends close by your side. One more step to recovery"

"If I die tomorrow, would this song live on forever?"
ACK i love that part!!!
lol
Leesha's right-we are SSOO going to an ataris concert this summer!!!
Sorry, oh so sorry, I'm just gushing
lol
Daniel'll be getting on soon, it's about 3:30 in Great Britain, poor them, they get out of school at 4
XD
so I really should stop being lazy and write more in the campfire.
It's been my turn for like 2 days.
Blech.
Nah..
lol
i'll write later if I cough up a lung or something

Sick STILL..and torturously bored

2003-12-15T14:44:27Z

I got this from Leesha's journal:

If I were a month, I'd be: June

If I were a day of the week, I'd be: Friday

If I were a time of day, I'd be: NIGHT

If I were a planet, I'd be: venus(luuuve..lol)

If I were a sea animal, I'd be: Seahorse!

If I were a direction, I'd be: a broken compass

If I were a sin, I'd be: Envy

If I were a historical figure, I'd be: Urm, history? do you know who I am??! well, I suppose, Kris Roe!! What, he's GOING to be a historical figure in MY eyes, doesn't THAT count??

If I were a liquid, I'd be: summer morning dew

If I were a tree, I'd be: apple tree

If I were a bird, I'd be: pink flamingo

If I were a tool, I'd be: very annoying and stupid and pointless and expensive

If I were a flower/plant, I'd be: a rose

If I were a kind of weather, I'd be: early summer

If I were a musical instrument, I'd be: actually..flute or violin

If I were an animal, I'd be: Nemo!

If I were a color, I'd be: fuchsia

If I were an emotion, I'd be: confusion

If I were a vegetable, I'd be: sweet corn

If I were a sound, I'd be: my sisters' laughs

If I were an element, I'd be: water

If I were a car, I'd be: Limousine!

If I were a song, I'd be: "Here In this Diary" by The Ataris

If I were a movie, I'd be: How To Deal

If I were a book, I'd be: Angus, Thongs, And Full Frontal Snogging by Louise Rennison

If I were a food, I'd be: Guava!

If I were a place, I'd be: great britain (*wink* *wink*lol)

If I were a material, I'd be: flannel..mm..so cozy

If I were a taste, I'd be: sweet

If I were a scent, I'd be: chocolate or tropical fruits

If I were a religion, I'd be: Christian?

If I were a word, I'd be: lost

If I were an object, I'd be: a guitar

If I were a body part, I'd be: lips

If I were a subject in school, I'd be: Music

If I were a cartoon character, I'd be: who ELSE! the wabbit hunter from bugs bunny! he's so cute! ^.^

If I were a shape, I'd be a: heart

If I were a number, I'd be: 21

Let It Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow!

2003-12-13T20:22:16Z

I wake up miserably sick, miserably sick for most the day!
But I read leesha's Lj and she's got a christmas Tree up now and I look outside and it's snowing Big fat Flakes and it's building up and I suddenly feel so Happy!
I think suddenly the christmas season is starting to feel more like Christmas! My fever broke and I punched in "now that's what I call Christmas!" which is the only time I'll listen to Nat King Cole or Elvis Presley or Bing Crosby to name a few oldies, and suddenly-
It's December!
My brother's quit his Job and now He can actually be home for christmas, which was my only Christmas wish this year-That My brother could be there to make our christmas cookies and put up the Tree with us and it's happened!
He just called and he had to work tomorrow too which is when we were going to put up Christmas Lights and our tree and things, I'm not surprised, Christmas wishes never come true, right!
But Apparently a miracle's happened and Someone's Listened to our Prayers! Leesha has a Christmas Tree! Her Parents are together for the season! My Brother's going to be Here for Christmas! It's Snowing!
Something's shifted in the universe!
Our Christmas wishes have come true!

I know this is Highly Unlike me, but suddenly I can't wait for Christmas! A sudden cloud of Optimism has rushed over me!

My Friends are going to Hate me, the Plague has overcome me, and then comes Daniel..

2003-12-12T16:46:45Z

Yesterday Was supposed to be THE day, the day that leesha and renay were going to finally make "The Plan" happen, I was supposed to call after school, when they told me to, they begged me to and I know I was annoying them so I said five minutes, because at the same time I really wanted to, but I was talking to well, Daniel..
Talking to daniel is really weird. I met him on a writing site and he's already a published author of a novel!
He sometime's seems to be the only person in the entire world sometimes that actually gets the nonsense coming out of my mouth, i was reading his little piece "the diary of daniel j. patten" of the entries before he met me, it was like reading my own a little, how he was talking about how he loves japanese music even though he can't understand it, or the sick feeling he gets when someone he knows reads his writing, or how he yearns for love.
He's british so I keep imagining a guy in a british accent saying all that stuff
Then there's this entry where he met me, simply titled "Rachel"
In it he wrote "A Lovely Girl named Rachel has asked me for help, out of respect, I will not tell anyone. I want to help, because..."
A Lovely Girl
For some reason that part makes me blush. lol
That was before we became friends.
Now, we IM on msn messenger a lot and I really like talking to me. He even wanted to give me a christmas present! And do you know what he wanted to give me? a YEARS upgraded account! Out of his own pocket!
How generous could he be?
I of course refused, I'd feel like the hugest mooch alive if I accepted it! I told him that if anybody deserved a christmas gift it would be him. And he told me that his returned gift would be being able to read my writings and know he helped.
awh.
lol
I still refused though, and playing one of our little games, we exchanged little smilie Gift Icons((lol)) instead of the real thing, but I look in my mailbox and he really did send it!!!!
It's weird, ever since Daniel, I don't avoid the reflection in the mirror anymore, and I don't feel weird doing nerdy things because I know there really IS someone out there who understands.
A guy's never ever made me feel like this, and I've never even seen him face to face!
Talking to him makes me happy, I told him about how i told my friends about him, and they thought he was a 40 year old rapist,, he laughed and said "really, I told my friends about you and they said you were probably some old granny! I immediately snapped back!"
lol, too funny, I'm actually talking to him right now, it's 4:45 in britain, but I have to admit I'm a bit relievedthat I didnt go to school todya, it'd probably get a little tense because I got caught up in the conversation with daniel and kind of didnt call and when i finally did call cause he stayed up till 2 am to talk to me((^_^)) they didnt answer so I'm suspecting theyre mad at me
I've got to gotho, as worried as I am about leesha n nay, Daniel's on!

What the freak is wrong with me?

2003-12-10T22:26:06Z

I talk all the time about wanting the truth, but when I finally get it, it hurts!
I've been writing a lot of poems and such on this www.writing.com thing and for the first time in a while, I was actually starting to get some positive feedback, and excuse me, but, actually maybe started to believe that I mighthave a flair for it
Then today I get this awful review about my writing being melodramatic, and everything being really weak, and I guess he's right, but he picked everything apart and put it under a magnifying glass, literally pikcing apart EVERY line
And I'm starting to really believe maybe I'm just not cut out for this type of thing, which makes me question, what AM I cut out for?

This'll sound stupid but I kinda sorta thought maybe I'd found my place.

But truth be told, It's Aleesha's place, and we both know it!
LOL:) :(

And I'd always thought music was my thing but lately now I'm just not that good anymore..

An email that DID cheer me up, though, from This boy I've been talking to, he lives in Great Britain.

He understands me, which is a nice feeling in the teen years

He's 15 and he's already been published, but In the email, he said that It was fun talking to me, because I'm a good listener and I understand HIM.

Either way, on the Alec files, seemingly aleesha is giving up on us.
Im not sure whether to be disappointed or relieved at this point.
Mostly curious to see how he'll reply..
lol
well, off to call her I presume, lol

It seems the whole world is obsessed with me and alec

2003-12-09T21:33:48Z

i was just reading leesha's LJ and yunno, Even her SISTER wants me and Alec to get together!
Along with Franky and tony and renay and aleesha and aleesha's MOM and aleesha's SISTER, and the list keeps freaking going!
lol
It's sort of funny, when me and aleesha were lil 8 year olds and he was 7 her mom would always say that aleesha was gonna end up dating alec's friends and I'd end up dating Alec, and of course, us being girly little kids, were all "EWWWW! no way, he's grosss!" and of course alec and his friends would be all "eww, girls are stupid" lol

And look where we are now. Aleesha's little brother supposedly has a real life crush on me and leesha and her little brother's best friend have been gettin cozy..

Funny, what age does to yah, one minute we're little kids religiously believing in cooties and the next we're falling in love and experiencing a waterfall of hormones with love notes and real life dates and kissing...

But why am I so surprised?

I must admit Alec IS really cute, and she says his voice is startin to drop. I cant wait to see was his cute lil raspy baby voice sounds like as a cute raspy manly voice..
lol

What can I say? He's a cutie, lol, you just cant blame me for bein suspicious, I mean, its rare that i get an admirer, and its ESPECIALLY unlikely for that rare admirer to be my best friends cute lil bro..or as she says, scrappy lil bro..
lol
But anyway, more updates later!

Call me a sucker but this looks authentic..

2003-12-09T01:08:57Z

Okay, this is BEYOND weird..
Checking my email, like normal, This english guy Emails me, wanting to publish MY poetry in the U.K!
He said he actually read my poems from the books I got published in by Poetry.com and he wants to make me an international author

I know i know, this is just SCREAMING "scam!" "scam!"

but this isnt even FROM poetry.com, OR an affiliate!

Excuse me for being a little excited, but maybe my parents and leesha werent lying when they said i have a little bit of artistic talent..

I dont know but now I'm trying desperately to find, or write a new poem for it..
Lifes too short to be sceptacle right?
lol

riot_girl14_ @ 2003-12-08T10:06:00

2003-12-08T16:08:29Z

woke up at 5:30 to do my homework cause i was too sick yesterday to do it, well guess what,. I was still way too sick, so here I am, alone, sick as a dog..lol
My mom even loaned me her softest and coziest nightgown, and I'm still wearing it...^_^
My mom's so sweet, I get into a lot of tiffs with her, but I AM a teenage girl! My IQ and mentality regardless!
I'm also starving. My mom left out some ravioli to microwave but that stupid new "easy open pop top lid" is SO NOT FRIGGIN EASY! I gave up, its still sitting on the table with a knife jabbed into it.
How primal you react to things when you're sick, yanno?
Everyone seems to be getting sick, I have no idea WHAT i've got, Alec's got the flu, poor guy, Paige's got bronchitis, and the list keeps going!
Either way, writing in your LJ is REALLY pointless when you're at home watching re-runs and starving to death because of economy's stupid ideas and thats the most exciting thing to happen all day, and all your friends and guyfriends are at school, gossiping, probably having fun at recess or lunch, they're probably having OATMEAL for breakfast and just one huge plate of the pepperiest, butteriest buttered noodles..
Yup, thats whats goin on RIGHT NOW..
Hm, right now I'd be in English Class, I wonder how mr mitchell's makin out with out his Torture Student..Hm, poor austin, he's probably getting it BAD.

And suddenly Cough Medicine doesnt taste so bad...
lol

riot_girl14_ @ 2003-12-07T21:12:00

2003-12-08T03:12:37Z

A GIRLY-GIRL. You dont have a lot of self-esteem
and people are always bringing you down for
being sad. What do they know, anyway? You feel
like youre too mature for your age and are
frustrated by the trend-followers who refuse to
accept you because youre not like them.
Your virtues: Intelligence, understanding nature,
modesty.
Your flaws: Lack of social life, inferiority
complex, timidity.

What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Miserable...

2003-12-08T02:46:57Z

No no, this isn't some stupid self pity party..As a matter of fact, I just got back from mydad's house, visiting my cousin that i havent seen in a while and my, now 3, year old baby sister's birthday party and went shopping!
Pretty day, right? It'd help if I actually wasnt so estranged with my dad, my sister wasnt so cute, or the fact that i was walking around the whole time in high high heels..
Mckenzie's right, why DO girls wear those things?
Either way, I got home, and felt just awful, my lavahot bath felt ice cold, I had goosebumps and chills all day and my mom gave me a couple pills...hrmm..feels a little better..still wanna DIE!
lol
I did get some adorably cute Piggie Slippers...yeah you know me, I buy what i think looks good even though...well...the result is well....weird....lol
The whole point of shopping was to get a new coat so i wouldnt get sick....
hrm..a little late. eh?

Also got me thinking a little more about christmas, reading aleesha's Lj..
We were supposed to decorate the house today ((one of my favorite christmas activities, btw)), but I get unexplainably sick, the first week into december and something's going on with me and aleesha thats been really bothering me that I cant figure out, The snow is melting the second it ever hits the ground, there's a prison escape headed for our school and My christmas Sheet music got thrown away with my scrap papers.
..................
Someone up there does NOT want christmas to come!!

The sad thing is, Grinchiness is contagious..

I fear that christmas is going to be one of those christmases you remember for the rest of your life, one of those revolutionary christmases, or one of those ones that you proclaim your worst ever...
Like your house burning down on christmas eve, or a theif coming on christmas morning and taking everything under the tree

You know how they say Children are somehow Psychic? Well my 3 year old baby sister went to the mall with us and saw "Santa Claus"..
She took one look at him and started crying. And she's the least antisocial kid in the world..

In the words of I hope is still my Best Friend that is a girl, Leesh, Somethins gonna go down, I just know it.

Or maybe it's the cough medicine...

The last of the josh chronicles......a promise

2003-12-05T22:45:47Z

Remember when you were a little kid and you were learning how to ride a bike? Your very first time you fell, and there was blood everywhere, right? But you didnt give up on bike riding..You fell a few more times and eventually got it down perfectly and now you're riding a bike like it's nothing!
I'm starting to think Love is like learning how to ride a bike. Your first love is always the messiest and its the most painful, and there's always that little scar in your heart, like on yoyr knee, from that first love. But you never really gave up!
I think I sometimes forget I'm a teenager and just starting the whole love experience. I guess sometimes I forget that I'm only 14 and there will be someone else, and that I'm allowed to make mistakes
When you're learning to ride a bike, after those first 2 or 3 falls, riding a bike doesnt look so fun, does it? But no little kid gives up! Except there are a few little kids who shut themselves away from even trying, and never letting those other cuts heal..
I think thats where I went wrong with love..

After Zack and Brian M and Josh, I guess I just kind of cut myself off from even trying to make it work, and I was convinced I knew everything about the world, and love, when the truth is, I'm 14 years old, and I'm still knobby kneed about love. You never get it right at 14! I just sometimes forget that i'm only an early teenager...
I was thinking of my baby sister's tricycle when listening to the ataris song "in this diary"- "being grown up, isnt half as fun as growing up! These are the best days of our lives" when I realized that, I have sucha jaded outlook on LIFE after those three STUPID guys messed me up inside, that sometimes i feel like i already know everything about life, there's nothing new to experience, nothing fun in the world, I somehow slipped into a very temporary Mild Cynical Depression, yunno? bored with life at 14, havign a sarcastic remark to anything anyone would say..
That I kind of forgot that in the teen years, you're supposed to mess up. The first love's heartbreak is supposed to happen
But I never let him go because I at least wanted something to believe in, or someONE, but i need to let him go. and not shut off every guy that comes my way. And if you get skinned, no matter how much it hurts, I have to remember, its like that song, in your teen years you go through weird little flings and hard "love" and eventually you'll get it right
I guess I kinda forgot that part...

So here's my GoodBye
It might sting a little
But we both know its the end of the road
And though as I cry
I have to smile a little
Cause Im finally free and im finally alonne

And I've never been so happy
Without
You

Yes thats true. In a nutshell, leesha's right. I need to get over that Fresh Ex thing...its lasted a few years..
lol
So as of now, Im giving up josh AND zack..
Happily!
and actually, Taking the icy shell off of my heart, and it feels pretty good...

Phony Holidays

2003-12-02T21:38:53Z

Christmas is nearing, at least that's what people say. They have decorations up, some's trees are hung, but it still doens't really feel like the holiday season yet..
Maybe it's because there's no snow on the ground, or maybe because I can never feel that holiday spirit.
There are times like these I wish I was still a naive little child again, when every day we're closer to christmas and waiting for santa!
But now, there's no spirit, no certain feeling in the air! Where did it go? Now christmas seems like a holiday where you have to have a party and do certain things but there's no feeling behind it.
Times like today, I sometimes wish I wasnt born in Generation X((or Y, is it?)), In the olden days there was a certain feeling of it, and there were carols and christmas music everywhere and you probably had a little sister that could play the piano that played little jingles all the time.
Christmas was a treat, not a chore!
And in the kitchen all the girls were baking little sweets and cookies with there mother, so when the boys and their father came home from school they were treated with the warm smell of cinnamon, or chocolate..

My Dad tells me about those days all the time, cause he was a kid in those days. and he grew up in this very house that im typing this in, that i sleep in, he went to the same wimpy country school that I do now!
I suppose he didnt really think I was listening, but I've been thinking about that lately, why is it that holidays were so unique and traditional, and well, homey, but this is the same house and no matter how hard I try, it never really ends up being anything more than being forced to visit family members and grandparents and making a list of what we want.
There's no wonderment! There's no whimsicality! There are no unslept nights dying for Santa Claus to come down the chimmney and bring gifts to the children that behaved well..
Everything's just handed to everyone. No little kids strive to be good little boys and girls.
Everyone in this generation grows up so quickly!
......It's like we never got a childhood!

Sleepover

2003-11-30T23:13:55Z

I had leesha sleep over last night! It was actually pretty fun, laughing our heads off hearing the rammstein "Du Hast" song for the first time, which josh claimed was his favorite song because of the deep meaningful lyrics.
HA. HA.
He must think i'm some kinda idiot poser that knows nothing about heavy metal.
Turns out, "Du Hast" Is completely in german. Even if it was in english, the translation is
"You.
You hate.
You hate me"

Throughout the ENTIRE SONG!!!!!

It's hilarious, but the guitar riffs were SICK, and the other songs on the CDs we awesome too, only 2 of them were slightly flubbed, which was Dashboard Confessional's "Carry This Picture" - turned out a live performance, and Story of the Year's "Until the Day I die"..which turned out to be a cover of the song...meh
either way, it was awesome, Drowning Pool's "Bodies" has been in my head ever since then.
I am however somewhat disappointed about my Pedicure. I could have done SO much better on her! and The CD is so awesome anyway, I needed to do something at least HALF as good!
I'll make it up to her though, along with my hair treatment, my other form of payment that's scheduled for the next sleepover, which'll be at her house.
But there's well, something else thats been in the back of my mind
~!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!~((*))~!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!~
Well as you know, Leesha and I are, well, a bit supernatural, if you wanna sound completely SCI-FI, i just mean, we have a habit of playing silly little fortune telling games and then, well, sometimes it happens!
But I'll get back to the point.
Aleesha and I were playing M.A.S.H - you know the game, right? - and we were getting a little mushy about it..
Well what do you expect?
When we started to add stuff ((i was playing the burnt CDS)) Suteki Da Ne - Instrumental started playing and you cant help but get a little soft!

We erased the "reason for divorce" one, and added "When he knew it was love", "How he proposed", "The Rock" and things like that. Well for mine, lets just say it was really sweet..on top of bizarre...lol
~!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!~((*))~!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!~
Husband - ALEC!!!
Job - Poet
His Job - Pro Football Player
First Son's Name - Kyle
First Daughter's Name - Maria
Car - Jeep
Rock - Diamond
Home - ....Underwater..((LOL))
When he knew it was love - When it hurt to see you cry
Things Threatening the Relationship - Illness
Gifts - writing a song for you
Family Pet - Giraffe ((lololol))
How he proposed - Telling you he cant live without you
First Kiss - Holding you in his arms with a sweet ((not cheazy)) line
~!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!~((*))~!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!~
Too sweet right? For some reason I was trying to picture Alec saying that sorta stuff, or like leesha mushed it up entirely, by sayiong something like "Please dont be sad, it hurts to see you cry!"
And I can NOT picture it. It's nuttin against alec or anything just my imagination can only stretch so far!
lol
also aleesha got equally as freaky results
~!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!~((*))~!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!~
Husband - Tony F!!
Job - Starving Artist
His Job - Rockstar//musician
First son's name - Anthony ((freaky enough, I'm not kidding!))
First Daughter's Name - Sophie
Car - Evo
Home - In Italy
Family Pet - Bird
How He'll propose - Writing a song for you
He said I love you - After you sang to him
His Mom - Pities you
~!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!~((*))~!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!~
LOLOLOLOL..yes a couple of them are a little abstract but you know what I mean..It's just sweet, thats all..not to mention freaky
We did the True Love thing too AND the ""Push"" thing and every single time it came up Alec for me and Tony for her!!

Is the universe trying to tell us something that we're too blonde to see?
Well its freaky about tony and leesha because, well, they both have a thing for eachother in real life. I can just tell!
and if he doesnt really then he is the HUGEST FLIRT ALIVE!!!!!
The only superficial thing we did all night is me painting my nails black and her pedicure, the rest of the time we talked about kinda deep stuff, or played a bunch of weird fortune telling games.
Aleesha seems to think it means something as well for me and alec but....
i have no idea, its a confusing topic i guess. LOL
~!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!~((*))~!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!~
I haven't talked to mckenzie or Brian M in awhile, I guess it's sort of a given with Brian M, after I finally grew a backbone temporarily and cussed him out and told him to **** off and stop trying to coax me into "racing him"...
But mckenzie I don't understand much becuz well, no offense to him or anything but he loves chatting online!!
and..well...whatELSE would he have to do?
either way, I'm not going to find out about ANY of this tonight, I'll jut surf a bit, make myself some hot coco...pretend its summer...

Hey

2003-11-29T03:36:09Z

It's been a while..
I've cooled off and let off a lot of excess energy, cause I called leesha.. I'm trying to get ahold of her somehow because I have to tell her about the visit tomorrow!
My parents said it was okay if she could sleep over here at my house!
I just got back from cleaning my room, vacuuming it and everything
Hey you guys swear not to laugh?

I've been working on a bit more profound poetry lately, I havent even finished a whole stanza yet but I'm reluctant to finish, I don't wanna ruin it if Its got somethin goin for it!

A single shard I hold entwined
Between my lonely fingers
Of a Frame that once beheld your smile
Your presence in it lingers

In this small shard of plastic
Your laughter swells inside me
I can feel your breath upon my shoulders
.................................

Thats where I get stuck!!!!!
AGHHH!
and not only that but stupid me, trying to uncover the writer in me now sees that its 10 ;00
and my only hope now is waiting to see if she gets online...
Literature kills sometimes

I have this really ethereal song in my head

2003-11-28T00:00:38Z

"My Immortal" - Evanescence, have you guys heard it yet? I was watching Fuse and it was on and, wow, its a slow song but it sorta sucks you in and, well, anyway,...yes..eherm...
It's been in my head ever since I heard it the first time!
I have no idea why but lately I've had this really weird obsession with Livejournal..updating and things, as you can tell. Well, as I explained to leesha last night, long point is a very barren, desolate, quiet little village in the country and frankly you have to occupy yourself somehow!
I usually do with thoughts, entertaining myself with silly questions and sometimes ending up being philosophical, but lately since that first entry, I've been dying for a reason to write in my LJ.
It might be cause I'm bored, tho, too, lol. We had our Thanksgiving Dinner at lunchtime so now it's just a regular sucky rainy day for me. But Right now. I'll bet everyone right now is having thanksgiving dinner.
Torturing mee!!!
lol
I'm gonna be online all night, aint i?
gawsh im hopeless.
well anyway, I'd like to say I'll write when the need comes but if Im telling the truth, I'll write when the urge comes again
Ooh! I know!
I'll chat with myself like leesha used to do!
okay!
me2-hii
me-and you are?
me2-you
me-but IM me!
me2-Exactly! I'm you and you're me! now that we've been accquainted...
me- what?

dang that is boring
I fear I'm slowly and torturously going out of my mind.
This is the first time i've been really really really hyper - ALONE!
aggggggghhhhhhhh

I got too bored for words

2003-11-27T23:46:58Z

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are an Angel! You love to guide Humans and lead
them on the path of ritousness and you love
white and peach. You dislike (you are to
heavenly to hate) Demons and you love being
around others. You love big cities because they
make you feel like you're not the only one out
there and you want to protect them.

(Pictures in results)What Mythical Being are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

It's me again

2003-11-27T20:36:51Z

Back from the Thanksgiving Dinner, and sometimes I think I'm cursed. Even for little things, like i got full just when My mom brought out the Pumpkin Pie, or just a second ago When, yes, thanksgiving day, the day before we put lights up, My Dad throws his back out.
Yep, I'm cursed.
Either that or I'm horribly unlucky.
He's in the hot bathtub right now, soaking away, probably asleep by now, its what he always does in the bathtub - Either way, we're so not putting lights up tomorrow.
Please don't think I dont care about my dad, I do, well, it's not an emergency, just a horrible inconvenience..

I've run completely barren and dry of things to write about. I crave someone to talk to but I don't want to disturb anyone
thus I have to wait until much later until they all get online. Chances are they will...
I'm just sooo apathetic right now and bored as hell.
but like you care, this entry has been overall pointless and meanderly so basically...yea...bye.

Lol my thoughts exactly

2003-11-27T16:16:43Z

"Death is such a sucky ending to life"

Thanksgiving Day!

2003-11-27T15:40:08Z

What have I got to be thankful for? Well besides the cheezy stuff, how am I supposed to spending my day being thankful and eating if yes, we have HOUSECLEANING!!!!
The only reason I'm up this early is because of my cursed body clock. Why does it never work except on the weekends?!?!?!?
Anyway tonight we're shopping for christmas lights and various lawn decor, it was my idea. I hate it that everyone else in this barren snowless town always goes all out for lights on their house - perhaps thinking that if they make their house bright enough, the snow people will decide theyve put a lot of effort into it and give us a white christmas after all? - and our house looks so naked all the time, when everyone else is wishfully thinking and their house is more vastly decorated than our christmas tree and then there's the zeilmans...Bland, boring, no fun, no christmas spirit, yada yada yada..
So this year I finally asked is we could PLEASE put lights up this year, I was even desperate enough to help! on the roof!
we're even lining the sidewalk with giant plastic candy canes...
I'm actually sorta looking forward to christmas this year - It always was my favorite holiday - Even More than my own Birthday!
Actually, I was sorta thinking these days, throwing a birthday party is almost depressing, like "One year closer to your death!!!"
But Anyway, my last Christmas was a tad,...experimental..lol
I tried a WHOLE load of eggnog, turns out its the nastiest thing in the universe, ditto for gingerbread men.
This year, I'm sticking to Candy Canes, Caramels, Apple and Pumpkin pies and of COURSE chocolate chip cookies..^_^
~!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!~((*))~!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!~
Anyway I was talkin to aleesha real late last night, and she told me about something her brother said, it really cheered me up!
I can't say exactly because I was on a different computer and I couldn't save it, but it was really sweet. Somethin like That nobody can expect me to have high self esteem with all the crapload of bad bfs Ive had and im better than all this and something else..
alls I know is, it really made me smile.
Alec sometimes has a way of doing that. Well, most guys only say a couple words at a time and he speaks in real sentences and even thats impressive but sometimes he has a way of knowing me better than *I* do sometimes! lol
And actually, I have no idea how, but something he said sorta mended me and got me over josh. Its like a heart bandaid or something!
I Don't know how he did it, but I feel a lot better!
I fear for aleesha's sake, though. I think I mighta gotten her in trouble with alec..lol
We were just talking and then Alec said he needed to "talk to her" like she was being punished, it was sorta funny, he was even moderating the minutes she had to say goodbye to me, but I haven't gotten in touch with her since and I'm sure as heck not calling on Thanksgiving so I kinda fear what Alec has done to her..
lolol
~!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!~((*))~!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!~
So anyway, Aleesha got a new CD Burner and she being the ultimate Sweetie she is is going to make me two CDS! I get to choose the playlist and everything! ((see below entry))
I had to pay her back somehow though, I'd feel like the hugest mooch if I didnt, so I'm making these little coupons, lol, one or two for an extensive hair spa treatment, a couple for a Pedicure..
^_^ I'm gifted with those sort of things, she especially loves my hair treatments lol..always picks her spirits up, I dont know howso that's how I'm repaying her, I'll have to think of many a coupon though, because honestly im going to be requesting lots....lol
If thats okay and everything, I don't wanna seem demanding.
But my Craving for Punk/Metal/Emo with be satisfied for at least a month when leesha finishes those killer CDS
~!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!~((*))~!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!~
For the first time in a while I downloaded a couple MP3's, I keep listening to that Coldplay song "yellow" - I used to be obsessed with this song when i was a little teenybopper
Yeah it brings up a lot of memories actually, like I keep remembering going to this little carpeted corner in mrs mitchell's class with leesha all the time.
There was something about that place, some kind of air, I liked doing any project in that one place. And a lot of times Zack Murphy, a good friend of mine back then, would come sit with us and talk about, well, kinda deep stuff for 10 and 11 year olds..In that corner we wrote our first pieces of poetry, they were class assignments of course, but, i just realized that it was then that we were introduced to poetry, we've been writing ever since, I remember my bird haiku
Birds
I envy them so
Flying so Free in The breeze
...at least I think that's how it goes
And I keep remembering that slambook, we were so immature, and me, being too sweet, started crying in the middle of the classroom, and the sensitive guys, zack m and jonny....they started comforting me
I just now realized that they now still are pretty much the only sweet guys even now.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, When zack murphy and I were best friends, i was 11, scrawny, bony, and sweet, in 6th grade, when everything went so emotional i wanted to cry everyday, i was still the same girl, but, I had this Prep Exterior, wearing Tommy Hilfiger everyday, always wearing my hair up somehow, but then he left. and since then both me and leesha have changed so much, I just have to wonder what he'd say if he saw us now? Aleesha, Punk Dressed and listening to any rap song available, an artist, and Me, mildly punkly dressed metal head listening to emo and Blocking herself out from the world with a cynical outlook on anything romantic and sweet..
I just have to wonder what he'd say, I mean we're so different its scary.
And maybe I'm just rambling, I mean when you get up too early because of a STUPID BODY CLOCK and you cant get back to sleep you're bound to drone a little
This song does bring back hashed memories
I was just wondering if back then I knew I was going to be a sarcastic metalhead that hates love and is just a little broken inside
I mean sometimes I look at myself and wonder who IS this girl?? This isnt really ME, is it?? When did all this happen>!>
And I wonder who i am.
But then again, this may be rambling on again.
I guess I'll let you get back to your lives, updates later, I'm in a contemplative mood...

The best things to happen to america

2003-11-27T06:30:45Z

MP3's and CD Burners...

heh
\m/ \m/
\ \ / /
\ \ / /

anyways at least for leesha's sake- I'm gunna just write down my finally playlists((lol, yes i finally got them done))

disc 1
Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down
Dashboard Confessional - Carry This Picture
The Ataris - Giving up on love
Story of the year - Until the day I die
Three Days Grace - I hate everything about you
Smile Empty Soul - The bottom of a bottle
Bowling For Soup - Punk rock 101
Chevelle - The Red
Disturbed - Down with the sickness
Lil Jon - Get Low
Babybash - Suga suga
Something Corporate - Punk rock princess
Rammstein - Du Hast
Nirvana - Smells Like teen Spirit
The Ataris - Unopened Letter to the world
Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes
Limp Bizkit - Eat you alive

Disc 2

Good Charlotte - The little things
Linkin Park - Somewhere I belong
Ludacris - stand up
Yellowcard - way away
Linkin Park - Crawling
Brand New - Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades
Simple Plan - I'm just a kid
3 doors down - here without you
system of a down - aerials
Sum 41 - Hell Song
Sir Mix Alot - Baby Got Back
The Ataris - Looking Back on Today
Godsmack - Serenity
Taking Back Sunday - Bike Scene
Ill Nino - What Comes around
Drowning Pool - Bodies
Cold - Stupid Girl
Suteki Da Ne Instrumental

yea im not sposed to be up so bye and lylas leesha forever for the CDS!