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Twice upon a Never Again

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Friday, December 4th, 2009
6:16 pm - ok, i promise I'll stop soon
I mean, you'd think I was fourteen years old, but he told me he loved me. And, thats a big deal.

In other, less sappy news, i've been getting rather annoyed at the old men volunteers I work with at Morris. It isn't that they are mean, and i know they like me and like to tease, but I'm getting really sick of them commenting on my weight. Like "oh yeah, there is Sarah, eating like usual."

Now I know that generally people only make fun of things like weight if they consider you so not overweight that its funny. And so I think in their minds they see me like that. And so I know i ought not to care. But i do. Especially since my weight has been tipping closer and closer to that threshold that i never want to touch. But how do they know that, i suppose?

However, unlike every normal female who is concerned about her weight, I don't renounce food like I should. Instead i get depressed, which just makes me eat more. And i'm not eating fresh fruit, its all doughnuts and pizza and deep fried fat, which then makes me feel fat and then i get more depressed and eat more.

its a terrible cycle.

I really just want to work out, except its already completely dark out by the time i get home. and i'm so so so tired.

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Sunday, November 15th, 2009
11:27 pm - :-)
I'm just....

so happy.

I mean, work is getting to be a little blah, and i have no idea about the future at all. But sundays are my date days and i look so forward to them.

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Monday, October 19th, 2009
10:48 pm - I'm watching the phillies. Yes. the Phillies.
they are playing the Dodgers. its the top of the 8th and they are losing... it wouldn't be so strange except, you know, they are playing decent baseball which is all so different than the pirates i'm used to.

Which brings me to my reverie.

Mark came to visit yesterday. We had a photoshoot in John's house. With no heat. fun. It made me realize how much i still miss that life i left. And I was rusty at modeling, so that sucked, and i felt (and perhaps maybe was) a little too big to be doing that. I mean, it's true, i have been eating shit like doughnuts and not running at all. But it sucks to hear "watch your stomach" though it does motivate you to start eating better.

But that isn't the point. The point is we had our shoot at John's house (because i didn't have any location as it was literally freezing outside) and when he left us, Mark turned to me and said "so thats the reason you left everyone in Pittsburgh." probably, yes.

things have been really good lately. Like, REALLY good. Like, I met him after work on thursday to watch the Phillies game and then, of course, we stayed out till last call with everyone from his job and then we came home and had the rest of the steak that i made myself for dinner. And i was thinking we were just going to eat some steak and potatoes and go to bed, and we sit at the table, sharing a plate, and he just starts talking. About FEELINGS.

And of course he begins with 'I was thinking today and i realized something and i struggled all day with whether or not i should even tell you.' I was thinking A) he's in love with someone else or B) he got someone pregnant or C)he hates me and wants me to go away.

What happened was this: he started telling me that he likes me. *Really* likes me (and the fact that we were having an 8th grade relationship conversation didn't bother me at the time). And that he's fallen into "accidental monogamy" because although he knows he is allowed to tell me 'hey, girl X is in town this weekend, make yourself scarce' he doesn't want to. and he used all the right tricks. I believe he said 'why would i want to spend time with them when i already have perfect' which is SUCH a line, but i am a girl and it worked.

but you know, i didn't get all emotional until later, when i thought we were done. He turns and says, there is another thing too... but I don't know how to tell you. And then he simply says "my dad would have loved you" Fuck. i mean, fuck. how can you even respond to that? You don't. You just cry.

So i did.

But they were very very happy tears.

I'm very very happy

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Wednesday, October 7th, 2009
10:36 pm - time to start freaking out
so philly.

first off: the good. I know you all hate him, and you're probably right, but i'm so fucking smitten with this boy its insane. INSANE. but let's be honest, i moved here. Because he was here. So I want to bask in the glow of hand holding and cuddling and having him kiss me on subway platforms while it lasts. which is to say, for the most part, he makes me happy.

also my job still kicks ass. Today we went to harrisburg and i got to landscape at the governor's mansion. thats really cool. I met Ed rendel. I played with his puppies. it was a good day.

the bad: i need to move i need to move i need to move. i cannot stand the fighting the gay couple does. i hate that they never sleep and bang around upstairs keeping me awake ALL THE TIME. I hate that i am literally SO SCARED of creeper roommate that I'm having nightmares about him once a week. i hate that i'm an hour away from work. I hate that my neighbors never shut the hell up and that our street is covered in trash and always smells like pee.

Also, omg, grad school.

Ugh, i don't even want to go anymore. I want to stay in philly and open my amazingly inventive urban farm. But i have no startup cash. Does anyone know where i can find enough money to buy and retrofit a vacant building to produce crops? I'll take donations.

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Monday, September 28th, 2009
6:05 pm - NY eXXXotica - Friday Pre-Show

ok, so I might have done this this weekend...

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Monday, September 14th, 2009
9:51 pm - busy
i'm spending so much time running around and/or sleeping that I don't even know if I'm comfortable here or just so frenetic I'll never know i'm miserable.

its a good way to cope i guess.

I think i'm ok. I'm beginning to like it here.

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Tuesday, August 18th, 2009
10:19 pm - co-dependence
so yeah. I think the issue here is that I'm still too scared to say "you're being a dick" because then I'm alone. Not alone in the emotional relationship sense but actually alone as in "shit i have no other friends in this city and will go crazy without him around because even being treated badly gives me something to do"

so the solution is to get more friends. Turns out I suck at that.

On the up side, I'm getting some modeling work for being pretty and open minded. Which is good, since I quit working at that awful waitressing gig. I think 24 is the year of sexuality. Not even in the way you're thinking, but I've started modeling for this company that deals with the fetishy crowd and I've gone to some of the events and find them fascinating. And I might be going to the east coast porn convention in NYC as a model for them as well. Which I think will have to be quite an education. Maybe i can make friends with some porn stars... then i'll have friends, at least.

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Sunday, August 2nd, 2009
3:07 pm
he sucks as a person sometimes

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Thursday, July 30th, 2009
7:35 am - karma
well, at the very least, i fell asleep with my arm across his stomach and he now has a case of poison ivy where i touched him.

of course i have it on my arm and it SUCKS

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Sunday, July 19th, 2009
11:10 pm - dreams
I've been having these dreams (nightmares?) about getting married, or at least almost getting married lately.

they are never good dreams. The scenes change, but the story goes that I'm getting forced into a marriage to the wrong man. The first one I remember was back from before I left Pittsburgh: I was being forced into marrying my uncle and I was all tears and sadness in my awful dress in an old stone cathedral. I remember I was horrified because he was already married and oh god, what would he do to a 2nd wife. I remember, too, that there was someone else. My subconscious screaming that, in fact, there is a man worth marrying, though it never bothered to tell me who.

there have been fleeting fragments since then: pieces of lace and hazelnut batter with strawberry creme filling, but nothing as vivid.

And then last night: I was in the islands, or at least somewhere rather warm as Tom and Cindy were there and lord knows they wouldn't go somewhere cold. And my parents and family and lots of people where all on vacation in this place because I was getting married. to Greg. Only I didn't want to be. And I remember sitting at his feet, begging him to let me go and to not make me go through with it. That I didn't want to be with him forever and that yes, there was someone else. And I was crying and so scared to go tell everyone that had come that there was going to be no wedding, so sorry, and I was so afraid of disappointing anyone that I was debating going through with it anyway, and just not ever being a wife.

To which I say, uh yeah. That already happened that way. so I have no idea what my subconscious is trying to tell me with that as its the past.

But I'm not sure what the wedding phobia dreams are all about. Except that I did just finish reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and should be in want of a husband.

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Friday, July 17th, 2009
7:21 am - when you forgo sleep
i guess the point is that I'm in a lot of trouble.

and I hope it's all worth it

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Sunday, July 5th, 2009
6:48 pm - hmmm
So i love love love love love my job.

I hate hate hate my living situation.

You can't have it all i guess. But I'm stuck in a lease and can't afford to live anywhere else anyway. and thre is one more love than hate, so I guess that works out.

Still, my weekends suck because i'm stuck in the house, not at work, with nothing to do, no friends, and I'm slowly going crazy

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2:52 am - Oh jeeze.
So, I just got an email from one of the gay couple roommates that I live with - the one that is actually the lease holder.

He is telling his boyfriend to move out. I figured it would happen. I didn't think it would happen in the first effing month I lived here.

It sucks too, because the boyfriend was the roommate I really really liked.

The question now is this: whats going to happen? There are only three bedrooms. They were sharing one. No one is going to move into an occupied room. Luckily I signed a lease, i guess, because they can't raise my rent.

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Sunday, June 28th, 2009
7:38 pm - I'm going to tell you a secret.
Two actually.


1) It is honestly an act of God that I am not pregnant. I mean, seriously. I think in the past month I maybe took 10 of the pills on time. The rest were a day (or two) late. Did I do anything about that? no. Today when I was cleaning, I found a whole week of pills that I didn't take. WTF? where did those come from? I have no idea. And then there was the moment at Buffett when I offhandedly said something to Allyson about being late and freaking out and she goes, oh which one is it? and I had to honestly say, I have no clue. I mean, i could have guessed, but there is always - how did Nies put it in highschool: "they send scouts". So anyway, powers that be, thank you.

2) I'm here in Philly. My job is awesome. I have this feeling of... well I'm excited. I feel like I might be on the verge of good things. Today I met a photographer who is VERY well known in the area - we're going to shoot a Zivity set soon and I'm now on the list to call when he needs girls for local products (think: corsets). And I'm starting to feel like I might fit in.

But I realized something terrifying. With ALL the boys I had these amazing feelings. So overwhelmingly pure and true and disgustingly romantic. I fancied myself in love with all of them, each time thinking "oh THIS must be love" because it was even more intense than the boy before. Then they would move away. Or I would go away. Or we would no longer be. And as soon as they weren't around anymore, I was over them. Almost instantly. It happened every time. It's in the process of happening right now with the last one. My attachment is only as strong as the lack of distance.

Except for the one. And it was only 6 months. Then he was gone. And then there was a 1.5 year.... thing. And now I live here.

what the fuck. why didn't I forget about him like the others?

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7:07 pm - omgz philly
turns out I don't hate this. at all.

and my job kicks MAJOR ASS

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Monday, June 15th, 2009
9:59 am - On watching the Pens game in Philly
The Pens won the cup, and while I'm thrilled by this, it was a little odd, walking the streets of Philadelphia alone without Dok and Emily and all the other super important people in my life by my side. Still, this is good:

Share photos on twitter with Twitpic

And hell: I hear that the Buccos are only 4 games out of first place. THE EFFING PITTSBURGH PIRATES ARE ONE GAME AWAY FROM .500. WHAT THE HELL?

If, by some act of god, we end up on that run, i think i'll HAVE to go back to Pittsburgh.

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Friday, June 5th, 2009
5:17 pm - a million little pieces
I'm starting to fracture.

I so don't want to do this. So i'm just refusing to pack.

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Saturday, May 30th, 2009
3:08 am - to reiterate on birthdays and boys
I will say that it is now tomorrow. Meaning, not my birthday. And Philly didn't even acknowledge it.

I mean Jesus. at least last year he called to tell me about the roses in his back yard and wish me a happy birthday.

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Friday, May 29th, 2009
12:01 am - On birthdays and being 24 and boys
So. It's 12:02 am on May 29th, 2009.

I'm awake because I'm sewing. And I've already received a happy birthday phone call. An actual call, not a text, from a bar in Princeton, because that is where he is this weekend, being an alum and doing drunken alum things. And still, a PHONE call. At 12:01.

I really, really like this boy.

And doesn't that just figure? I mean, let's be honest. I've spent what? almost 2 years looking towards Philadelphia and the boy there. And now that I'm leaving Pittsburgh in 12 days, I've found one here.

HERE. IN PITTSBURGH.

I won't lie to you. There is a significant portion of me wondering if the reason I have such strong feelings for him is precisely BECAUSE I am leaving. He know it. I know it. So there is no... pressure. On that same vein, I'm much less excited to move to Philly than I was even a month ago. Read: I don't really care about the boy there anymore... probably because I'm moving there.

Still. What is up with me and having amazing relationships with boys who live in different cities? I mean, even Greg and I were fine until he actually moved to Pgh with me. Then it all went to shit.

But all I know is that here is a boy who i've only known for like 3 months and he called me, from his college reunion, secret society, ivy league tradition to tell me happy birthday. And that really makes me smile.

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Sunday, May 24th, 2009
12:37 pm - !!!!
I just got my first royalty check!

yay me

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