polaroid romance.

remorseful_ @ 2007-02-05T17:17:00

2007-02-05T23:22:46Z

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Books To Read This Summer.

2006-07-11T02:23:31Z

~~Harry Potter & The Philosopher`s Stone. - J.K Rowling~~

~~Harry Potter & The Chamber Of Secrets. - J.K Rowling~~

~~Harry Potter & The Prisoner Of Azkaban. - J.K Rowling~~

~~Harry Potter & The Goblet Of Fire. - J.K Rowling~~

Harry Potter & The Order Of The Phoenix. - J.K Rowling

Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince. - J.K Rowling

~~The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom~~

The Rescue - Nicholas Sparks

Smashed: Story Of A Drunken Girlhood - Koren Zailckas

The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini - Currently Reading.

The Mists Of Avalon - Marion Zimmer Bradley

~~The Notebook - Nicholas Sparks~~

~~A Million Little Pieces - James Frey~~

The Phantom Of The Opera - Gaston Leroux

~~The DaVinci Code - Dan Brown~~

~~Memoirs Of A Geisha - Arthur Golden~~

~~Honeymoon - James Patterson & Howard Roughan~~

The Magician`s Nephew - C.S Lewis

The Lion, The Witch, & The Wardrobe - C.S Lewis

The Horse & His Boy - C.S Lewis

Prince Caspian - C.S Lewis

The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader - C.S Lewis

The Silver Chair - C.S Lewis

The Last Batttle - C.S Lewis

Goals For The Summer.

2006-07-10T03:12:03Z

Read the Harry Potter series, `til I get to book 6. [[currently on book 4]]

Save money for the exhibition.

Try to get over a certain someone, that I`ve liked for years.

Read books that I had found in my mom`s room.

Work on my journal.

Make my own bracelets, & anklets.

GO OUT MORE.

Try to save about $1000. [[ currently have $200, but my grama is giving me $200 more.]]

Go to movies theatres.

This`ll be an interesting summer. I'm so unbelieveably bored right now, & I have just got back fromy my reserve [Patuanak] & I miss everyone, & my dogs [Teddy & Buddy]. The first person I contacted was, of course, Kit, but she has`nt answered my texts yet. The other person I`ve contacted was my ex, whom I still like, & that was really awkward. Nothing to interesting there. But I love how all my friends are with someone, and having a grand time, while I`m stuck at home, completing my list above, & ignoring my adolescent years. Which is why I put GO OUT MORE. Plus I am trying to get over someone, since he`s going to be in a relationship when he gets back from his trip to the states, which is in eight days! I`ve missed him horribly, but this situation is actually helping me get over him, and just learn to be friends with him, even though I know I`ll always want more. Mind you, he is 5 years older then me, but yet he`s still a kid at heart, & I love him to fucking pieces.
I'm finding it difficult to meet new people now, even though I tend to be outgoing & spontaneous, but when was the last time you went up to someone and introduced yourself & actually held a conversation when you`re overwhelmed with shyness and nervousness. It`s hard to go & say, "Hello, My name is Natashia, & I like to watch reruns of the oc that I have on dvd, will you be my seth cohen/summer roberts?" Yeah, kind of awkward. B
But the written works of J.K Rowling calls my name, so I shall end it here for now. I shall try to update this thing more often.
ifLu. <3

xo.gnat

remorseful_ @ 2006-05-19T14:48:00

2006-05-19T20:52:06Z

so many confusions. =(
I don't know how much I can handle anymore..
First of all, I've liked this guy for years, but I never had the heart to tell him, since he's one of my closest friends, & i wouldn't want to ruin our relationship for the world. But recently he just started dating a friend of mine & his, & they're so effin sweet together, & I'm happy for him, but I can't help to be jealous a little bit `cause he's just so wonderful. Ugh..
Also, I'm failing Math, Bio, Physics, & C.E.
=(
& I only have 21 days left to catch up & learn the new material.
OMGLKSJG:SD:LFL:DSJJ
I don't know what do to anymore.. </3 I give up... xo.gnat p.s he yanked my heart out of my chest & squeezed it til it ruptured in his hand..

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2006-03-28T23:29:03Z

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remorseful_ @ 2006-03-25T23:14:00

2006-03-26T05:36:15Z

Whooo.
I need to actually finish some entries. I never do really finish them, it's always later later later. blah. I hate laziness. I went to a concert tonight. It was really fun. A guy I know was in it. & they did really good. They had like 30 or 40 people there just for them, & when they were done, everyone left, but i stayed & watched the first act, but then afterwards it was awkward, `cause like ten people were left. Anyways, all day, I've been surrounded by couples & it's driving me nuts! It makes me want Simon [ nickname ] back, `cause I still like him alot.. but also, I kinda wanna be with Bruce [ nickname ], & my friend, Lisa [ nickname ] thinks I should be with him too, but Bruce & I are really really good friends, & I don't want to lose his friendship, if we break up, but it could also mean that our friendship could be going onto the next level, & it may turn out pretty good. It's just all so confusing..
Peter [ nickname ] isn't talking to me much anymore nowadays too. It saddens me, `cause we used to talk all the time, or at least once a day, & I haven't heard from him for awhile. I miss him.
Ryan [ nickname ] paid attention to me today, at the concert, that made me smile. :) I've liked him for years, & we're finally having a friendship. He has a girlfriend & he's happy and that's good. He's a good guy. & he's hot.
OHOH. I worked on friday, with Kyle & Brendan [ real names ] & I had so much fun. BRENDAN GOT HIS TONGUE PIERCED. [ droooooooool ] He's so hot with it now. The tongue, with the blue eyes. My god. Haha. I saw him playing with it, and I was like.. WHOA. Can I have you? lmao. crazy... Kyle such a sweetheart too. :) he makes me smile so easily, & when I smile he smiles, and his smile is so fucking cute.
But I shall end it here. I need a bath and shit like that. I'm so stinky.

i guess it's time to have the truth, `cause i know i`ll never be with you..

2006-03-13T07:06:09Z

my wonky moments with mitchell on MSN. <3
- × faberfied i love you. i need you. like a thousand times before.. said:
sdlf;sladjf lUGH. i hate the way he talks.
the-gleeks said:
keyboard on bonkers is it?
- × faberfied i guess it's time to face the truth, `cause i know i'll never be with you.. said:
O_O what
the-gleeks said:
jibberish you did type
he's going through a "yoda" phase.

i've been thinking about the past, & then it hit me, i only have a year left of high school, & i'm going to miss all my friends, & all the fun stuff we do & talk about. i mean, i've gotten a bond with all of my friends, good & bad, & close & not so close. it's hard to imagine life without them influencing me, & inspiring me. i love them all, even if they have their.... odd moments, but each of them of played an important role in my life.
Mitchell - we've known each other since grade eight, and it wasn't until grade nine we've gotten somewhat close. going through, what was probably the oddest grade eight year in history of st. mark with the principal getting arrested for picking up a prostitue, & our teacher having a heart attack when climbing a mountain, was fun, even though it was awkward. i'm proud to say that you are probably one of my best friends, & i'll love you always, as a friend.
Audra - grade nine year, i've met you, and we didn't really click that well, until the band trip, when you started dating travis & he was friends with mitch & them. i've loved every moment of your presence, even though i didn't show it sometimes, i've always cared & loved you, as a friend, of course. i'll always remember your silly moments, [ what's with all the moose?, is that ma flute? ] & how we had good laughs together. you've probably inspired me the most, out of everyone in the school, `cause in some ways, you're a lot like me, & i hope that after high school, we'll still be friends.
Anne - it wasn't until the grade ten year i've met you. once we said the first words to each other, i knew we were going to be close, & some what depend on each other for advice. you've become one of my bestest friends, & i'll never ever forget you. every bump in the road we've been through challenged us, & made us becoem closer friends. i love you, forever & ever.
Mike - the grand SLB, i still remember the first time we met, when i was in grade seven, & you were a drummer, although we never really talked during that year. it wasn't until 2003, we've started talking, and bonded. we've gotten so close that i can't imagine life, right now, without you. i know our relationship, right now, is dying, but i'm thankful for all the advice you've given me, & helped me through situations. it's not that hard to say that, i have, indeed, fallen in love with you, but i do know that we are going to go seperate ways soon. i love you. so much.
Kat - grade ten year, we've barely knew each other, & now, we're pretty close.

WORKING ONNNNN LATERRRRRR.

remorseful_ @ 2006-03-06T17:47:00

2006-03-06T23:52:52Z

WHOOO. 25 hours and counting until Faber/Hedley.
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
as you can tell. i'm overly excited. WHOOOOOOO. Get too see hot faber and sexy red bull again. :D
WHoo. okay. anyways not much has really happened i guess.
well my buddy bruce [ nickname ] is back at feehan. yay. ^_^ i'm uberly uber excited. whooo.
well nothing really exciting ti post. laterrrr.

UGGGGH.

2006-02-09T06:25:54Z

FUCKINGGUYS.
i hate them all..
well most of them.
okay let me explain but i'm using nicknames; but i'm sure some of you can figure it out if you actually are close to me.
k. nicknames are simon & bruce. okay.
well i /WAS/ with simon for about two months, and last week, he decides to end it, and i'm okay with that cause it wasn't really going anywhere, but how he ended it wasn't good. he sent me a fucking email, and gave me the true reason why he wanted to ended it.
he dumped me for another girl.
and on monday, it's so extremely awkward with him, and i'm just holding back tears, and the urge to slap him.
he's even trying to be friends with me. but still. i dunno AJSDL:FJ.
but i'm glad it's over.
i mean at least he was honest, and i was too cause i told him i liked bruce.
and i like bruce. alot.
but seriously, somedays at school i don't know how i can pull through the day.
anyways onto bruce.
yesterday, me and friend, kat, went to a movie, and i decided to call bruce and ask him to tag alone, he said no so i said okay i'll call you later, and kat and i made our way to the movie.
once we got there, we ate, then after boredly doing nothing, i called him again.
we talked for a few seconds, until he hung up so iwas like wtf, and called him back he's said he dropped the phone then i gave the phone to kat to talk to him, and he hung up again, so i called him and hes all stop calling me you're annoying so i did.. SO UGHHHHH.
anyways. enough about guys.
my schedule for this semester is gonna be fun.
c.e 20 - mr. soldo. i got billy in that class. ack.
bio 20 - mr. olver. i got ryan [ nickname ] in that class. [ girly giggle ]
band/english 20 - mrs. mcgonigal. i got billy in that class also.
physics 20 - mrs. dauvin. i got billy & adam [ nickname ] in that class.
math a30 - mr. fisher. adam's in that class.

yeah...... fun semester.

well i skipped school today/yesterday.
and slept from 2am - 7am then 9am - 2pm then 4pm - 8pm.
yuup. so i'm awake right now.
and pissed off.
and catching up on homework and such.
:SKJFSDFLK JSDF
okay.
but tomorrow i can't promise i'm not gonna kill simon.
until next time.

WOAH.

2006-01-13T11:18:30Z

Okay I haven't updated this thing in a while.. Wowwee.
Well Semester One of the school year is /almost/ over.
Thank god..
I'm on the verge of failing a few subjects..
Can't wait for my mama to see my marks.
WHOO. Gonna be trouble I tell ya..

Hmm Let's go back aways.
Nov.
Matt and I started dating.
Lasted two days before one month.
I care about the guy deeply enough not to hurt him; since I was crushing on Graham.
Matt and I still have an amazing relationship and are very very close friends. :) yay.
Nothing else really happened this month..

Dec.

I GOT A FUCKING JOB. WHOOO. < 33333
CHRISTMAS BREAK. < 3333
And Matt and I broke up on the 12th; and two days later, I asked out Graham.
I felt really really really really bad.
But now Matt and I are cool now, and even though I can still tell he likes me, I hope that we stay really great friends.
Graham. < 3
I love this kid; He always always ALWAYS know's how to make me smile and laugh, without even trying and I just love that about him.

Christmas.
My grent's came down, along with my uncle.
But for me christmas was NOT the same, since I didn't have my favourite relative, Natalia, here.
She's like my best friend and my sister to me.
We grew up together and I love her.
Anyways; I had fun with my family, staying home and being a lazy butt.
At 11;43pm. We all got into our presents; since it's a tradition, somewhat, and I got so many awesome things. ^_^
The harry potter Scene It game, make-up appliers, pj pants, candy. Also two gifts that I love. < 3
A electric guitar, anddd a brand new stereo. Yay. =]]]]]]

Jan.
School started, and so far, I've skipped three full days, where I stayed home and slept. Watch me get grounded for that. Ick..
JAN 7, 8 2006. < 3333
Best weekend so far. I got paid on the 6th, $454.44. Whoo.
It's all gone now already. Wow.
Alcohol - $126
Two dinners - $60
Movie renting - $35
Movie buying [[ Wedding Crashers ]] - $25
CDs [[ Fall Out Boy, < 3; Three Days Grace, <3; Two CD for Graham's Xmas Present ]] - $60
Junk Food/Fast Food - $30
School Vending Machine/Cafe - $30
Lent Money - $50
Late Fees for Movies - $10

Wow. I'm bad with Money.. Ouch.
Anyways.
I HAD ALCOHOL. < 33333

Fri. Jan 6th 2006.
Kat, Matt, Graham, Anne and I decided to get drunk, and I had a pull [[ Jan, Thanks. < 33 ilu. ]] So we bought four packs of smirnoff twisted raspberry coolers, and a big bottle of smirnoff straight vodka. Everyone, besides Matt, spend the night. After a couple bottles of coolers, Graham [[ who didn't drink ]] was the caretaker. xD
Matt had to leave around 12; and we had the alcohol around 10ish. So yeah, he didn't get that drunk. But before he left, we played spin the bottle. Haha. < 3 Everyone eventually kissed everyone. ^_^ Well not the guys kissing each other, but still. We have fun. I kissed Kat twice, one peck, one 5 second, Anne three times, one peck, one 5 second, one 10 second, Matt once, one peck, and Graham 324750593475 times that night. ^__________^ Haha. This one kiss we had for 15 seconds, and every time we got up to 10 seconds he'd pull away and laugh, then we started over, he did that about... three times. Haha, idiot. I LOVE YOU < 33333
After Matt left, We played truth or dare, haha.
Anne's Dares.
One I cannot mention, but it involves a pole.
CHEERLEADERING!!!!!!
"F - U - C - K - Y - O - U!"
Kat's Dares.
.. I don't remember her having any dares..
Graham's Dares.
POLEDANCING.
You need lessons, sweetie. ^_^
My Dares.
Lick Graham's Nipple. AHAHAHHA. Stupid Anne.
Had some serious talks about sex and shit. Found out stuff, some of us were really drunk. [[ Me, Anne ]] Kat was...passing out, I guess you could say. So we just got comfy and talked still, then Graham and I started making out and Anne was touching me... ANDDD I'LL LEAVE IT THERE. Well she was horny, I was horny. XD We made out. Lol. Lip ring. OMG. < 333333333 × 643216813216451931 Anyways. I stopped making out with Graham, to talk to Kat `cause she seemed.. distent. aha. I told Graham to make out with Anne and he did. Sweeeeeet. Then Graham and I went upstairs, and I was sobering up. We made out; stopped `cause it didn't feel right. O_o; I STOPPED IT. We watched movies. ^_^ Lilo and Stitch 2. I CRIED. D: Then Anne got sick. < 3 Awh. She called her Gramma, and went home. Then I went to bed with Graham, around... 4am.
Woke up around 7 and he wasn't with me. Scared the shit out of me.. Wow. Found him, went back to bed.

Sat. Jan 7th

Woke up around 11;30. Went to the basement to wake up the other two, and I flipped the mattress over, and laid down then passed out once or twice. Finally around 2;30pm, we got up and decided to go for chinese food. Then got junk food, and went back to my place and watched the movies we rented.
Sex and the teenage mind. FUNNNY MOVIE.
Madagascar. Awesome movie. < 333
Lilo And Stitch 2. < 3333
Rock School. INNDIEEE MOVIEEEE < 333333
Anne came over. Then I bought Wedding Crashers, we watched it, and graham left =[. After we went to the basement once again, and Jan called and asked to borrow the movie, she did, and I got her to get more alcohol, [[ two cases; smirnoff twisted raspberry coolers, and strawberry daquiri bacandi breezers ]] and drank those. Then we talked once again, sexually of course. Anne left. So it was me and kat. Alone. AND NO WE DIDN"T DO ANYTHING. Lol!! We both got drunk, and then we wanted someone to come over at 2 in the morning, so I called my best buddy, mike up and we begged and begged him to come over, but he didn't. asshole. Anyways, We decided to check my MSN and matt f was online, so we talked with him, and yeahhh. he came over, with two of his friends, jesse and stefan and it was awkward. later on; they left. kat decided she wanted a hug from jesse [[who she liked btw]] and we ran outside and ran after them, wearing a t shirt and jeans. that's it. anyways we ran and ran after then and they kept frunning way from us so we kept running then we caught up to matt f, and talked with him for ahwile and he mentioned jesse was shy,

remorseful_ @ 2005-09-20T18:55:00

2005-09-21T01:08:48Z

WOWWWWW.
on sunday night, i dragged anne to see the used with me and a bunch of other bands were there too, but it was fucking awesome!!! OMG. lol i dunno where to begin D:
k well first this band i didn't know went on, they were good. and i liked them. i can't remember their name from some reason. anyways thennn after 15 mins, Underoath came on. and omg rocked i loved them :D so good and fun. thennn after thattt anne and i were hungry so we decided to skip alexisonfire...sorry, to get some food, and while we were in line, i looked back then BOOM there's sam. i laughted and then made anne look over and i was like IT'S FATE!!! ahahaa.. crazyyy.
so then we ate... then slowly made our way back to the stage, then BOOM. i see elliot, and i was like WOAH. O_O and i'm crazily looking for erica(my best friend when i was like 4 to 7) and then i saw her and i was like WOAH. she's short(ahah sorry) then i'm like.. hi. and then she said OMGGGG -hug- hii OMGGG -hug- -laugh- aha. crazy then she disappeared so i got mad D: but after that elliot was there so i was like..hmm i wonder if he'll remember/recognize me so i went up to him and said hi..then hes like O_o...hi? Lol. soo funny. then i just said; you don't remember me do you.. lol he shook his head, then i laughed and walked away, then i saw sam walking anne's and my way then i pushed her into him...sorta lol. sorry anne. :P THENNN
some drum band came on, there were good, but i was cranky cause i've been stading for a long times, and i wanted to see the used.
then FINALLY. they came one and i screamed my head off, and ditched anne (sorry againnn) and omg. i was so close to the stage. I WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF QUINN. <3333333 he's the most lovilyest person on the planet. anyways i watched, and screamed and watched. and sang along.
after that.. i was leaned over, then quinn threw his towel in my direction and i touched it, but some other person grabbed it. THEN HE THREW HIS PICKS. and i was like mineee. then some worker security guy got it D: then the drummer threw his sticks into the crowd and i got hit so i was like OWW HEY THAT'S MINE -grab- and while i grabbed it these two little girls nearly tackled the ground and i was like HAHA mine! SUCKERS. and i clung onto it for awhile. and then i was gonna wait for erica to get back from backstage, cause she told me she had VIP passes, but we got asked to leave so we did...
and that was my sunday.
woo. i got branden steineckert's drum stick!!! <3333 :D:D:D:D

remorseful_ @ 2005-09-11T14:38:00

2005-09-11T20:44:25Z

well..started school.
really crazy.
here's my schedule.
period one; mathamatics20.mrs.lovegrove.
period two; chemistry20.mr.nicholson.
period three; band20/english20.mrs.mcgonigal.
period four; history20.mr.mercier.
period five; psychology20.mr.deptuch.

so far i love my third and fifth. so exciting.

on fri. there was a dance, i went. it was okay. hated the music, but i didn't dance much either. just one of those days. bah. i practically cried all night. but whatever. it's over and done with and i'm over it.

next year though i plan to have some fun. imma try to invite mikey. lol, that'll be a blast. gosh. crazy. i miss him.

mondays school picture. joy. need to loook "pretty"

ummmm... yeah. nothing else new really. oh well..i think someone has a crush on me O_O not mentioning any names. mmmmkay.

oh and on fri. i told blaine i liked him. that was enjoyable...-sarcasm-
hmm oh well. i'm okay with being friends. no biggie.

lalalala. i miss mikeeee. i dunno why O_o; awkward. mkay later.

oh. my. god.

2005-08-14T04:48:02Z

alrightyyy.
well i went to the EX yesterday.
bumped into mike, ashley, mike m, teri, peter, and some person i didn't know.
and hung out with them for awhile until 4 so i can meet LC and others.
well, while i hung out with them, i could tell they didn't want me around, not that hard to figure out.. especially ashley, i could tell she hated me around. aha. don't care.
anyways after i left them, i waited for LC for about 30 mins, then left to watch the show, Terrance B. hypnotist. very very interesting.
i got hypnotized. lol very embarrassing. and i got it on DVD too so i could watch it over and over again.
i only got it cause i actually knew one of the guys that were up there, Ben and yeah lol i can embarrass him if i want. muhaha. and also cause a guy named Spencer was up there, and he was hot. omg. i wanted him haha. well after that, i actually talked to him too, my god. lol. knees were weak and he's so cute!
after i got the DVD, i went walking around, looking fo LC, and the others, found mike and them again, but didn't want to be around them since i was already on my way to crying, cause i got stood up.
well walked around more, and more, then saw both mikes alone so i followed them, to their cars cause i had nothing better to do, then after then i walked around more, and more.
then i found colten, and hung out with him for awhile. he hasn't changed really. but he had his friends there, and they were hot too. lol. well they were in line for the Ring of Fire, while they waited, Quin, i think it was, or maybe it was Zach, i dunno. anyways he was fixing his tongue ring, putting new studs in, and the other guy was helping him, lol and it was so amusing watching them haha. after they were done, he asked how it works, and i said looks hot, makes me wanna kiss you now, and he turned bright red omg. lol. then after that colten and i walked around looking for his other friends, and couldn't find em. so i ditched him and continued to look for LC.
FINALLY i found her at 9:30. then we went on some rides, thennn i was so sore from walking so i went home..
came home, and actually watched the thing with my mom, and grams, then went to bed.

that is all.. :|

remorseful_ @ 2005-07-17T22:55:00

2005-07-18T05:04:21Z

i figured out today i can't handle death very well. no one close to me had died, unless you count my uncle marcel..but i hardly knew him. well my great grandma's in the hospital and she's got cancer cell spread of her body. it's scary cause i love her so much and she's got a lot of people loving her also. she's has 13 kids, including one that died in childbirth, 26 grandkids, and about 18 great grandkids, so she'll be surely missed by everyone.

today i lounged in bed until 2pm then cleaned up my room amazingly, then took a shower and got ready to go out for awhile. i went to the hospital from 6-10 and it was so depressing. i ended up writing in my journal and reading a few chapters of harry potter 6 even though i know what's going to happen. sucky.

my friend, mike is feel really depressed and i feel so helpless cause i can't do anythign about it. i'm scared to call him, even talk to him but i hope now he'll be okay. i tried calling him a few times but i secretly prayed he wouldn't answer..cause i don't tihnk i can handle that kind of pressure. we might actually hang out tomorrow for awhile then he's leaving on the band trip again, until saturday. but yeah...nothing else to say and i smell food.

booo..

2005-07-13T23:58:00Z

k well i'm really really depressed, just because i have to be "perfect" for everyone, and be a rolemodel for my younger cousins. yet, i'm trying to fit in with my age, and older cousins.

i just need to talk to someone, i've been crying for the past couple of hours, even in front of my friend, dillon. i just...need to do something. i'm tired of succeeding in almost everything i do.

so much stress, plus my mom is telling me what to do and everything. find a job, clean the house, work some bingos, help kelvin, do laundry.

I CAN"T FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE.

i'm not fucking close to any of my friends, well the ones i thought i was. i'm not. i haven't even hung out with any of my friends from school since the holidays started.

i'm sick of this.

another fucking emotional entry.

wheee

2005-07-05T09:38:29Z

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARRELL.

i'm bored.
so what.
and i'm in love <33
just not stating with who.
OHSNAP.
hyper too.
whee.
television is boring at 330am.
bah.
my mom got a job up north giving two weeks in and the weekend out.
crappy deal but excellent pay.

and i need a job!!
so i applied at superstore. x.x;
i hear the pay is good..
i dunno.
this is enough for now.

fuck it.

2005-06-09T23:35:41Z

k life has taken another turn.
my mom had a miscarriage when she turned 2 months pregnant.
on june 8th; i lost my brother/sister.
we don't know the sex of the baby so we could name it.
but deep down my mom and i think it was a boy.
so we named him.
Kobe River Wolverine-Lepine.
he will be missed and loved; even if we didn't know him.
it's hard to for me to deal with it since i was FINALLY getting used to the idea of having a sibling.
it's hard.
i mean my mom is having a toufh time dealing with it and it's stressing her out more then she thought it would.
i told her i loved her and i meant it.
i do love her.
it's just, argh. hard for me to maintain a good relationship with her.

i got finals just coming up in the next two weeks or so; and yeah i'm nervous.
even though i only got two finals and two final projects and i don't need to show up for wellness.

also i'm still liking bart.
alot.
i don't care if someone sees this from school.
just don't go blabbing it out.
bahhhh.
stupid stress.
over and out.

remorseful_ @ 2005-06-05T12:11:00

2005-06-03T18:15:40Z

oh joy.
if my life couldn't get anymore boring.
my computer has a fucking virus on it so it's slow as hell.
and my mom told my uncle((whose the biggest fucking pervert ever)) who came over and screwed around on the computer.
then when i tried to get on a couple of days ago..it wouldn't let me in my account.
so i went on the guest account for awhile before the computer crashed and i wanted to listen to some of my music.
so i went into kazaa and i noticed i had some new videos on the computer..
clicked to see what videos i had.
and it was shitloads of porn.
fucking. sick.
so i just turned off the computer and sat in my room.
but ugh i got a virus and my mom's leaving today to go up north for work.

my school life's okay.
it's awkward though cause i feel like i'm getting noticed. :\
it's creepy cause i dunno i'm not really looking for a boyfriend right now.
but i do have several crushes but i don't really consider them to work out.
yeah but "billy" is being very flirty with me..and it's just like.
"why are you doign this now; especially when i'm over you and i don't need to like you all over again"
it's so confusign.
bah.

finals are comign up.
and i only got.
two!
whoo!
so awesome.

nothing else is to exciting really.
but yeah i gotta go eat.
i'm hungry.

:|

2005-05-29T04:37:02Z

MY MOM IS SEVEN WEEKS PREGNANT.

fucking posers.

2005-05-24T21:55:55Z

some people at feehan need to fucking die and rot while i laugh at them. i consider one of them my friends until now. fucking she always needs attention from her crush and it's just pissing me off cause she's acting opposite from her real personality, hoping to get noticed. i think someone should like you for who you are. not what you aren't and it just fucking tears me up cause i'm the one who has to take care of her when he rejects her.

another girl i've hated since the first time i met her. her fucking voice just makes me want to slap her and her stories/lies are just to fucking much. she's like the head bitch of all her friends. so when she's sad, everyone's sad etc. her personality is what pisses me off even more. she pretends to be the same as everyone but she's meant to stand out and when she does...it's not pretty. fucking ugh. i can't stand either of them. both girls deserve to be hated by me and fucking die while the sun burns their bodies to crisp.

one other who really pisses me off is probably my latest crush who i hate now. thank god. i hate everything about him. he fucking now likes me and UGHHH i can't stand it. i catch this cheesy grin on his face and i want to punch him so his face craves in. his laugh, to me, is like britney spears singing more horrible then she does now.

AND LAST AND LEAST. is another dude who thinks he's all that and needs to fucking hang himself with his self-esteem being way to high. he always needs attention from EVERYONE. and if he doesn't get it gets fucking angry and annoyed and just starts yelling at random people. AGH. seriously all four of them need to die.

anyways. i went to school. sat in the caf for the morning and just yeah...sat there listening to my music which was turned up loud but i could still hear what the people around me were talking about. i heard my name mentioned once or twice. fucking pissed me off cause i didn't do shit to anyone.

went to first where me and anne just sat there and talked about the band trip and the jokes we had. laughed a lot and then, with five minutes of class left did work just to get full marks on some project.

went to second and took this stupid test. i know i didn't pass and it probably brought down my average but i couldn't careless since they're only grades and my life doesn't need to fucking rotate around it.

skipped third to go downtown and walk around midtown for awhile. got some money out of my bank and brought lunch. ate then went to starbucks and got a mocha. then went back to school where i had 15 mins left so i just went to my locker. finished my mocha then got my shit and went to class.

in fourth stupid bart and tyler were pissing me off making fun of meghan then i started laughing...just to be cool. dunno why. was quiet in that class the entire time..amazingly. i don't really have any friends in that class, except meghan. but me and her are just...losing our friendship.

in fifth. got so fucking hyper people thought i was high or something..dunno why. i was just bouncy and slurring my words on purpose and saying stupid things like cheese is the foundation of milk..etc. i dunno. oh before i went to class i went to the vending machine and got a starburst deal. 2 for 1. as in i put 1.25 in. and got two. instead of one. fucking awesome. then the begging people started asking and since i was hyper enough...i gave a pack away to friends.

then came home. and yeah that was my day...so far. exciting. i need sleep. later.

welcome to my life.

2005-05-24T07:52:35Z

i feel like ranting or something. it's crazy. i mean; micah's back and i'm frightened. Cause the last thing i need right now is him around confusing my emotions for someone else. also he knows i'm home alone. ugh. i just need to slap him or something also he know very well i'm liking mikey. and he just...so insecure about that since he's pretty much been my best friend/"boyfriend" for the past two years or so and i'm just getting comfortable talking to mikey about anything and ugh. it sucks.

i don't recall making any decision with micah about our future and he's acting like i'm his fiancee or something. it's weirding me out. i don't want to be alone with him this weekend. i don't want to see him at all actually.

i went to see star wars today. really good movie. i cried. how pathetic of me. god i'm such a loser. bah. stupid stress.

also i found out my mom "could" be pregnant.

oh the band trip was crazy. that's all i can say. well day one. everyone was excited and jumpy in a hyper way. when we stopped in Hanley we played and yeah i screwed up so many times on some songs. oh well. after that we went to moose jaw, got to the hotel and went to supper at bonzana then went to a concert where i got slightly pissed off at a few people. the concert was really good though. after that we went back to the hotel and just stayed there until we had pizza, had a little free time and then went to bed since we had an early morning ahead of us.

after that we got up at 6;05am and took showers, then had breakfast, got ready then went to our concert. we were the first ones to perform and we did fairly well actually. so after that we had lunch at a beautiful park with a small pond. we saw swans and everything. very pretty. after that some of us had jazz band performance. went to that. and mrs. mcgonigal was getting angry cause we got stuck in the basement and locked in this very small room with about twenty of us. and i'm quite clausterphobic so i was having a hard time and ahh. crazy. after that we had to watch the choir sing. it was pretty. lol caitlin had a creepy part teehee. i had to sit next to billy in that...agh. i disliked it actually cause he was...odd. i dunno. he kept inching closer to me. oh and there was 276 red diamonds on the stain glass window up on the ceiling.

after that...we had supper. KFC. then had another concert to watch. then free time. but before bart bought this italian soda and it was good but it's pretty much water, sugar and flavor. anyways he got reallllllly hyper it's crazy. lol. he was so hyper he was bouncing off the wall literally and i heard he ran into a wall and then he got sleepy and passed out on his bed. so we checked up on him and yeah lol he was out. then rob started giving him a back massage and it was awkward and he's like....mmm feels good. then turned to see who was doing it then shot out of the bed when he saw it was rob.

after that we had pizza again...then went to our rooms and oreo, anne, larissa and i played truth or dare it was fun and i got pictures. :D then we went to bed. thennnn the next day was the best. free time galore. then we did the tunnels. it was fun :) i got freaked out though on the capone tour. there was this really narrow and small hallway sort of. and oh my god....i nearly passed out and i was like oh god. help...not feeling good small space...closing in.. ahh. once we got out of there...i was good. after that we had this place on the tour where we got so freaked out...haha. the lights started flickering and lol i freaked out and clinged to the nearest person, who was meghan. i was like AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and just clung onto her and she did the same thing. after that. free time. then lunch thennn after that we went swimming it was awesome then i went home...

it was the best. ever.

remorseful_ @ 2005-05-07T12:07:00

2005-05-07T18:07:24Z

whoo. Yesterday was my birthday. Kinda exciting. Turned 16; got tons of surprises and yeah i'm happy.

when i woke up i went downstairs and got two cards one of my mom and my grandma, read them, had breakfast, and got 50 bucks from my grandma. After i went to school.

At school; i went to the caf to get my usual morning orange juice. The caf lady told me i was in the paper and i was like what??? and i thought about the conference i went to yesterday and thought it was for that so i said yeah.. then she asked if it was my birthday today and i said yesss...and then she told me to check the newspaper. i did and in there was a baby picture of me and my school picture. and it was from my mommy but i wasn't in a good mood since my dad called in. it was awkward to talk to him but then i went to school, cried for like two minutes, then i went to first, people found out it was my birthday, and wished me a great day.

Then the surprises came to me. I got called down to the office, and there was a bunch of balloons and a little basket thinger, it was so embarrassing to walk down the hall with them and i had to take em to my class, so yeah awkward. After that i got a spare in 2nd, so i went to my locker to put the stuff away and my locker was decorated by Miss Oreo(LC) lol., i nearly cried. people signed it so yeah it was excited. After that i got another call to the office and i went over AND I FIND OUT I GOT FLOWERS. o.o

i was shocked. O.o so i hustled back to my locker, stuffed em in there and went to class, and yeah nothing stopped there.

they sang happy birthday to me..and yeah after 3rd i had lunch and got my present from Meg, 15 bucks. so yeah it was exciting.

during 4th, billy(changed his name to protect myself) was there and yeah i like him alot. crazy. all we did i that class was a wordsearch and yeah that's about it.

in 5th, i took everything out of my locker into my class, so it was awkward and people kept asking for my balloons until i gave them away and they just sucked the helium out of it and yeah lol kinda funny.

after school, came home, got more birthday wishes on the bus..awkward. then my mom and i went to eat at smitty's and got my daughter's pride ring and a charm braclet things for my bracelet. yeah.

then i went to look around the mall for a bit. got nothing, came home. slept on the couch. woke up. went back to the mall and got something for my mom for mother's day on sunday. then came home, woke her up then got my friend ashton to come over and had my cake, anddd that's baout it.

but i don't feel any different. just harshly older..
oh well.

hmm

2005-04-18T03:18:36Z

oh lordie, i'm going to be exhausted for school since i've been up since 12pm but i got to work a bingo tonight from 11pm to 4am. so by the time 12pm rolls around. lunch i'll be dead tired cause i'll have been pu for 12 hours. plus i'd would have about 3 more hours to go. and it's monday but thank god i don't have a piano lesson.

fucked up shit..

2005-04-14T04:26:29Z

lalala. i have returned. finally. all this shit around me is so fucking retarded and i'm just about to let it out in any second. stupid friends and crushes and schoolwork and parents, etc. just so fucked up.

first of all, i feel like my friends only talk to me cause i help them with certain stuff, or just cause i have money or something. so stupid. i'm about to fucking yell at them and shit. agh.

second, i have so many "crushes" and it's confusing me. worst thing is i happen to be friends with most of them and i hate ruining the friendship, even if it's a small level. i'm just about to give up on relationships and just become a nun or something.

then schoolwork. i got report cards coming out soon, and my mom is expecting high marks as usual and i know i can achieve them i just don't know too cause i don't really care about education, even if it's going to settle my career and stuff like that.

my parents constantly nag at me for shit i didn't do or i did wrong. even though they're no longer living together, i still talk to my dad..once in a blue moon. and i don't think i can ever forgive him for doing what he did for so many years. he caused me to be the way i am in relationships and avoid to get close to someone. ugh. my mom suggested consulling to get over it already but i can't since it's be a majority of my life so far and it's so screwed up now cause of it. anyways i don't really have to hear my mom nag since she's always at work or at bingo with her boyfriend. agh. i never get to talk to her much anymore and i just hate it so fucking much.

i can't help but be jealous of people's relationship with friends and that special someone, know i can't have that right away until i forgive my dad for what he caused me. i just can't help but envy them but yet be happy that they found happiness until someone ends up breaking their heart. it's just so hard to sit there like a third-wheel and just be ignored while they talk about the future or something about themselves.

most of my family loves me. but there's this one person in my family that actually wants to be with me. it's so fucked up and i hate it cause it's disgusting and agh i want to tell someone but then i don't cause it's hard enough that i have to hear him say shit to me he shouldn't say, at least at his age to someone my age. i remember this one night he practially hit on me and kept asking for sex. i couldn't get away cause i was baby-sitting and he was visiting, while i just sat there, almost in tears and just wanting to come home and be safe, for at least ten minutes.

i just need someone to get me though this, and to talk to. someone who's always going to be there, for support. i mean, i've been through a lot and i haven't healed from all the abuse i've recieved. i'm trying so hard to make everyone happy, yet i haven't made myself happy yet.

oh well. this is the end.
tune in next time.

lalala

2005-04-06T23:46:10Z

hmm well here's another update that might be short. not quite sure yet. oh well. but my spring break went by so fast. bah. oh well. but yeah i did nothing but sleep and computer. god i'm such a nerd. x.x;

hmmm i got the notebook on DVD finally. my grandparents came down and spoiled me. got some chocolate, and candies. good. got two more DVDs; yeah.

we had cleaned the house so it's all spiffy and tidy.

but i'm about to get booted off the computer by my mom. bah.

later.