Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in remembermyname_'s LiveJournal:

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Monday, July 7th, 2008
11:31 pm	Grrrrrrrrr HE IS ALWAYS LATE. EVERY F*ING TIME WE GO OUT. I'm FED UP with it. DAMN IT! It's so sickening to me. And being black is NOT an excuse. (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 21st, 2008
3:20 pm	I'm so confused. He pushed me. Onto the concrete. It didn't hurt something terrible, but I got a couple little bruises that serve to remind me of what happened. It didn't come out of nowhere. I slapped him, first. He had threatened to go in and wake up my dad, because I was sitting in his car until he apologized for essentially "tattling" on me at work. Everyone knows what happens when my dad gets involved and angry with me. So, when he headed inside, I slapped him. He says it was self defense. All I know is, I was pushed into the concrete outside my house. I cried, hard, and he got mad at me for crying hard. Of course he did. I'm lying on the ground, bruised, and there's a 6'7 guy standing over me. I just can't believe he'd do that. I'm in shock. He asked me where I thought we went from here, and I told him I didn't think we had anywhere TO go. I'm not sure, though. I just need to push away for a while. I need time to catch my breath, to think about what I want. I know I initiated by slapping him, but if he woke my dad, I'd be in a LOT more trouble. I HAD to let him know he pushed a line there. I lost my head. But to push a female into a concrete driveway? Help me, am I overreacting or is that fucked? Positive note: I'm blonde again. And it looks amazing. I'm not even sure I liked the dark hair now. The blonde just...SUITS me. (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 26th, 2008
4:03 pm	I don't forgive you. I don't know if it's possible to take back forgiveness. I would normally assume that it's typically not, but that infers being 100% over something, I suppose. I do not forgive. Not anymore, at least. I've decided the ties that binded me and Cameron, as strong as they once were, pale in comparison to the hurt and outright disrespect that he caused me. I don't care who's side you've heard, or what you believe. Just...remember, there are two sides to every story. While I do not claim to be free of fault, he exploted me. He took personal photos that were between two people in the extreme most private way and blasted them all over the internet. He posted bullitens, making nude pictures of me the icon. He defaced me in front of every person, friend and family, that I know. He emailed my father the photos, claiming to be me. My sister discovered the myspace. He lost me nearly all my friends and most of the respect from many of them. The worst part was, I was never comfortable with the pictures to begin with. He URGED me to take them, mostly beyond my will. As our relationship progressed, I became more comfortable, but it was his urging that made me ever comply. He swore they would be private. He defaced my name and my honor. I do not hate him, as hate is too vengeful, too vindictive. I will never hold him in a high regard, however. He has tarnished his name and my opinion of him. This may mean nothing to him, but it's heartbreaking to me. To be with someone for such a long time; to be friends for so long; and to lose that... It's just not right. I've moved on, but in my innocent way, I wanted to stay friends. I begged for that. I can now say, in all truthfulness, I do not want that. I want to cut down every last tie to this awful man that wrecked my life. Though I am strong enough to put it back together, I will never forget, nor will I ever forgive. (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 19th, 2008
3:13 pm	Random Ramblings Marriage is a big deal. I suppose that's obvious, but not everyone in America feels that way. Sometimes I wonder if I have a fear of commitment. I severely shy away from harmless comments like, "If everything keeps going as the past few months have, [we could get married someday]." It scares me so much that after the first half of the comment, I can't even recall how the discussion went, apparently. Why? I suppose its simple. Dating someone, there's really no real commitment. There's obviously some level of commitment to stay loyal and respectful for most people, but when it comes down to it, there's nothing. Dating is essentially trying someone out. Dating is like saying, "Right now, you're the best." There's no promise involved. You could break up at any given moment, and there would sincerely be no one to blame. Sometimes people just don't work out. Marriage is a whole different level. Marriage is saying, "I've tried other people. I've gone out there, and I've loved, and I've lost. I know what I like, and I know what makes me happy. YOU make me happy." It's being fully comfortable with having that one person for the rest of your life. I'll be honest. I have no idea what I want in life. Somedays, I want to study film. I want to write, to direct, to act. I want to be in the business so bad that I can feel it burn in my blood when I think about it. The passion exudes from me in tears; I feel as though I need it in my life. Then other days, I feel as though it's impractical. I feel as if I'll get out there and crash and burn. I feel as though I'll save every penny I can chasing a pipe dream that will only bring me anguish and despair. I feel as though psychology is interesting, and it really benefits other people's lives. I look at my reasoning for selecting psychology in the first place, and I see how much help people really do need. Somedays, I feel as though I could be content living the suburban American dream. If I don't know myself, how on earth can I choose someone to be in my life forever? Relationships are one thing. I'm fully comfortable loving someone and being loved. Contrary to popular consensus, love does not infer forever. Love infers caring, tenderness, passion. It puts the other person first when it won't inflict harm on yourself or others. It means desire, affection, and - I'll be honest - a certain degree of being jaded. It creates warm feelings and pings of jealousy when it feels threatened. However, love has NOTHING to do with whether a relationship will last. A relationship cannot sustain without love; yet the reverse is not true. Relationships have to do with lasting value, and an honest belief that nothing better will come along. That's really the essential paradigm - is this person really the best that will come along? It's selfish and primitive, but no one can argue it. Marriage is saying, "You are the best person that will come into my life, and I chose to share my life with you." How can one really decide that, without even knowing what that life will bring? If you have no layout - no real plan - you cannot work someone else into it. You can bring them along for the ride, but to commit - it's just unfair. Who will you be in 2 years? 5 years? 10? If you can't answer it, the other person is getting themself into something ridiculous. They're basing a lifetime on a person that may not exist come next summer. You may argue that anyone has the chance of dying at any point in time; however, the circumstances are different. Death brings pain and sadness, but the love is still there. You don't stop loving someone once they're gone. Changes in people lead to bitterness and feelings of deceit. Love can no longer exist where trust is shattered. Love can change. So, maybe I do fear commitment. Or maybe I just have a clearer view of it all. (Comment on this)
Monday, December 10th, 2007
4:19 pm	I HATE MY LIFE. just a quick vent. Go on with you lives now. :-) (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 6th, 2007
12:44 am	It's the little things... The weirdest things make me realize how much I like someone or something. Today, before I had to clock in for my shift, I was hanging out with my boyfriend.We were goofing off, and for one reason or another (though I cannot recall why) I decided to write on his face with marker. Lo and behold, he didn't love this idea, so we ended up in a marker fight, wrestling eachother for markers. Along the expo line in a restaurant is probably not the ideal locale for this, but I suppose no one yelled at us so there's no issue. That said, Doug (my manager) did tell us we were going to make him vomit, LOL. Either way, somewhere between fighting on the floor to get the marker back, and attempting to mark up my boyfriend, I realized I REALLY loved him. I'm not saying we'll end up together or anything - I'm far too cynical to make assumptions about the future right now - but I really do like him a hell of a lot. He's impossibly fun, and we just click somehow. It's like, the little quirky nerdy things about me are mirrored in him. However, he's still insanely outgoing and popular. I mean, every single person in knoxville seems to know him somehow - it's ridiculous. Also, he's absolutely adorable. I mean, true, my type is tall and skinny - which not everyone goes for - but I don't know one person that won't agree that he's pretty damn hot. And he's sweet, when he wants to be. I hate being teased - everyone knows that, LOL - but I love it when he does it. I just have a good time when I'm with him. I'm sure it will wear off, but it's nice to be able to really TALK to someone. It's great to get to have real conversations. I love it. We never have those stupid dead silence moments. That's not to say we don't have comfortable, cuddling type moments though... I don't know - he's just pretty great. I'm so in love, and I don't think I really realized it until tonight... So what if love is fleeting? I'm so damn happy; it's ridiculous. So, let love be fleeting, and let me enjoy my life while love's still within my grasp. Because life is feeling pretty great right now. (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 18th, 2007
12:31 am	Advice, please.. How do you break up with your only friend? ... Someone help, please. I'm really not happy in my relationship right now, but he's my only real friend in Tennessee. I love him to death as a person. I just...get the feeling that he's not happy with me. Being that we haven't hung out in over a week, and I have tried impossibly over and over to make plans that keep getting cancelled. He's great; fun; sweet; cute...an amazing guy. But I don't think he's happy. And...I KNOW I'm not. I'm having my heart broken 5 times a week with all the cancelling and not hanging out and late phone calls. Its just...over. I can't bring myself to tell him, though. I ask if he even likes me, and he bends over to tell me he LOVES me, that it's just a bad week, midterms, fall break coming up, friends visiting for thanksgiving. "I swear, after this week, it will ALL be different. We just hit a snag, but it will fix itself right up, and other than finals, I'm all yours come Wednesday" But then when we say we might get together tonight to watch some tv, it never happens, because he's off with friends. I wait for his call. Finally I call him. 45 minutes after he messages to say he's about to call me. His "I'm just gonna do my paper, then you can come over," became "I'm just gonna chill downtown, then do my paper. You playing poker Monday?" So, of course, I'm NOT playing poker. I'm not a good poker player. I don't want to lose $20. I don't really want to PLAY anyway. I just want to watch a tv show and cuddle a little so I feel like maybe I have a boyfriend that likes me. Our last date? 2 weeks ago as of Tuesday.... I mean, yeah, we went to a party on the 9th. And last Sunday we hung out for about an hour to watch the end of the Colts game, and then we made out at the bar for like 10 minutes. Whoop-de-doo. We haven't been alone since the 9th! And, that wasn't even ALONE. That was time in the car before and after the party to kind of talk. I'm bored. I want to move on. But we WORK together. And he's the only person I'm really close with here in Tennessee. And he's amazing when he wants to be. But...this relationship is going downhill REALLY fast. I'm planning to just not hang out for a while. I won't invite, and I'll say no when he does. If we both go to wine night Wed or Sassie's Thursday, it'll be in seperate cars. No Black Friday shopping together like we planned. If he wants to date me, he can fight to. I'm done calling and making plans. I'll give him one shot to get me back. If he doesn't...I'm out. I REALLY fricken like him. I know I vent a lot, but he's kinda amazing. I can TALK to him, nonstop, seriously. I mean, yes, we've only been dating a month, so I guess there's a lot of background stuff to still cover. But even at that - he's so FUN. I REALLY like him. I don't want to lose him. I SEE myself with him. I see myself HAPPY with him. Not in a ridiculous, "I'll love you forever" naive way, but in a, "Wow, you're a pretty damn amazing guy, and you make me ridiculously happy" way. When I AM with him, it's awesome. He's like my best friend, and on top of that, we have this "I can't keep my hands (or lips, for that matter) off of you" chemistry. He makes me feel special. He opens doors; he calls me baby or baby girl or sweetheart; he pays for everything even when I ask him to let me for once; he makes ME pick the movie, or what we watch, or if we smoke, or if we drink, or where we go...He just CARES about me. He told me he loved me, and he NEVER tells that to people. He made me his girlfriend, and I'm the first girl to ever officially hold that title in his life. He has all sorts of nicknames for me, and they make me feel special. The way he LOOKS at me makes me feel special. His hands are the softest I've ever felt, and the way he touches me with them (in a fully innocent way, mind you) MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL. His kisses...not even just the passionate ones, but those little pop kisses he steals when we're both working and no ones looking...they just make me feel so damn LOVED. And when he pulls me aside as one of us or both of us are leaving, and once we're outside and away from everyone, kisses me full on, passionately, for a short while? THAT makes me feel wanted. Needed, even. Now I sort of feel awful for the first half of this post. I know he's in school. I know he's fighting to keep his GPA so that he CAN stay in Knoxville, BECAUSE he wants to be with me. I know he likes me, and I know he's genuinely working. He comes online everytime a page is done for a 20 minute break to talk to me. He calls and talks to me on the phone every night i don't see him for over an hour. He cares. I just hate NOT seeing him. I'm selfish. I want to curl up to him, just for a night. I miss the one night we did sleep together (literally sleep, that is). It was sweet, and wonderful. Nevermind that I couldn't sleep all night. I MISS it. I REALLY loved that. I can't wait until he gets his own place, lol, because I really just want to sleep over. Or until I get MY own place. Dammit, now I'm head over heels again. How can I be this fickle?????? (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 21st, 2007
5:12 am	:-D I just got home from the most amazing, wonderful date. BC was making up for the fact that he never showed yesterday at a party we were going to (Or rather, showed, but showed at like 3am when I was absolutely trashed). First, he picked me up. We went out to an awesome movie, and then to a bar where we had a few tequila shots. Afterwards, we went back to his place to watch Weeds and smoke a little. I think we watched a total of 5 episodes and smoked about 6 bowls. Then, when we got to my place, he got my a present :-D Hot Fuzz! I <3 Simon Pegg. So, yeah, it was kinda fucking awesome. And now I'm giddy. And starving. Mmmm...pretzels. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
12:30 am	To all the boys I've loved before.. I'm sure many of you have heard the Willie Nelson song, "To All The Girls I've Loved Before." Well, a particular live journal entry I read tonight made me think of this very song. To all the girls I've loved before Who travelled in and out my door I'm glad they came along I dedicate this song To all the girls I've loved before To all the girls I once caressed And may I say I've held the best For helping me to grow I owe a lot I know To all the girls I've loved before The winds of change are always blowing And every time I try to stay The winds of change continue blowing And they just carry me away To all the girls who shared my life Who now are someone else's wives I'm glad they came along I dedicate this song To all the girls I've loved before To all the girls who cared for me Who filled my nights with ecstasy They live within my heart I'll always be a part Of all the girls I've loved before The winds of change are always blowing And every time I try to stay The winds of change continue blowing And they just carry me away To all the girls we've loved before Who travelled in and out our doors We're glad they came along We dedicate this song To all the girls we've loved before To all the girls we've loved before Who travelled in and out our doors We're glad they came along We dedicate this song To all the girls we've loved before I just want the men I've dated in the past - in particular, the last two - to know exactly what they meant to me. I've been meaning to call Brian and tell him exactly that, but I can't seem to reach him lately. And Cameron - well, he's difficult to reach as well. If it were not for Cameron, I don't think I'd ever really believe that I would find someone worth loving. Cameron showed me that love is worth finding. You raised my self esteem in ways you probably don't even realize, though it may not have seemed like it. You helped me through the most difficult periods of my life, and I owe so much to you. You gave me fond memories and a beautiful hope for the future. You gave me my first taste of idealistic love, and thus, I have not yet met a man that can now measure up to my standards. You helped me realize what I deserve, and you helped me truly feel love. If it were not for Brian, I would not have rediscovered myself. It was your passion and drive that helped me remember what I initially stood for. I would be so very unhappy with myself as a whole, had I never met you. You gave me a life, a reason to keep living. You ignited a flame, a passion in me. I would be so hopelessly lost without having known you, and I owe you any success I have in the future. You made me realize that I could be viewed as beautiful not only by the jaded eyes of a lover, but also by the lustful eyes of a stranger. Most importantly, you made me remember who I was. I am eternally grateful that I no longer have to struggle to remember what it is I want in life. You gave me a reason to keep going; something to strive for. As for all the other men in my life, they have all impacted me in ways you cannot begin to fathom. And thus, this post is dedicated to all the men I've loved before. (Comment on this)
12:22 am	ARGH Tennessee is frustrating. I finally meet a guy, and I truly like him. We hookup... ...At his going away party. Great timing, eh? He's so cute, lol, but obviously there's a slight issue in that. To top it off, he's a guy from my work. So when he comes back in a week to finish up working at Bravo, I get to face him in a work setting. And, I think pretty much everyone at work knows that we sorta hooked up at the party. Oh, and I've worked there all of a week, excluding my training...so that makes me look brilliant. Also, I'm kinda worried that because of this, a fair portion of the other attractive guys at my work are off limits, because they're his best friends. Oh, and it turns out he's actually like 30 years old. Ah, the decisions that smoking too much pot and drinking too much tequila in a night will lead you to. Thank god for alcohol and pot though. They're keeping me much more sane. (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 16th, 2007
1:16 pm	Yay! Joining a gym today :-) I'm really happy about it. I'm gonna probably join a gym called "The Rush." It's not SUPER close, but it's by the place I want to work, and by my sisters school, so it's easy enough to get to and have reason to be by. I had blackberries today with lunch. Yay! I also had rotiserre chicken breast and a bite of a cookie, but that's not as exciting, LOL. I loooooove blackberries. I'd been craving them FOREVER! Unfortunately, one of the packs I bought was moldy when I took a better look, so I'll have to return it. I ate the whole pack. I wanted those so badly, lol. I'm really excited to go down to the gym. I can't wait to check it out. I made sure to eat protein with lunch and something substantial in case I work out. I usually stick w/ fruits and veggies until dinner, but I want to make sure I'm good today. I really hope we join it today so I can workout, lol. I'm really excited. The gym looks really nice. Except, when I just looked it up, the one near me doesn't have the rock climbing wall. That disappoints me, lol. I wonder if they'll let you use any gym of that type? And as I was typing this, I found out Allegiant Air added nonstop flights to Fort Lauderdale! It doesn't start till mid-November, but the cost is $59 each way. Total, to get to Fort Lauderdale and back is under $140! That slightly kicks ass, in my opinion. I wish Heather would fucking hurry up and get ready, lol. I want to gooooo... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 15th, 2007
7:38 pm	Hmmm My dad bought a yacht today. I got lots of yummy fruits and veggies today at a produce stand and Fresh market :-) I think I had like 7 servings of fruits and veggies. I feel good and healthy. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 22nd, 2007
11:31 am	... I blew it. It's over. He broke up with me. Completely. Officially. I could... Well, you don't want to know. Fuck. I can't believe I messed up so goddamn badly. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 4th, 2007
9:36 am	What is it with me and water? If I binge; if I purge; if I simply freak out - I must take a scorching hot bath or shower. Something about the hot water falling on me and burning my skin is purifying. I turn the water as hot as I can physically stand it and let it run over me for a while. I feel...cleansed, somehow, afterwards. I stopped at Panera this morning. I knew what I was doing. I knew as I purchased my pastries that I wouldn't eat one a day for a couple days or whatever. I knew I'd eat them all, then i would purge, then I would take a bath. Why didn't I stop myself? I know it's bad. I know it's not healthy. I hate doing it with a passion. I know I can mess up; can hurt myself; that it's addicting. I KNOW. But I did it anyway. Why is my life so centered upon something so trivial?? (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 28th, 2007
3:57 pm	Go see Pan's Labyrinth. It's violent, as a warning - brutally so, at times. This is especially magnified, given that the story is technically a fairy tale. This isn't your average fairy tale, though. It's a fairy tale for adults. There is plenty of mythology and mystique, no doubt, but the story takes place during the Spanish civil war. The brutality serves it points in the end, of course. I've never been one to enjoy tasteless violence (or sex, for that matter) in movies. When the violence aids in the story, however, the more ruthless and disturbingly captivating, the better. The movie itself is very dark. The protagonists are heavily human - flawed and imperfect. The antagonists are depicted even darker. There is redemption in the end, but nothing is idealistic. The artistic vision is beautiful. It really transports you to a different world. The movie serves as a captivating and contemplative escape from reality. .... .... Also...what is up with pweb?? (Comment on this)
Friday, January 26th, 2007
7:49 pm	For the first time in my entire life, I ran into my apartment and locked my door immediately. I'm oddly shaken up and scared. I'm used to cat-calling. I'm attractive - attractive enough at least. This was a step beyond your average cat-calling, though. I stepped outside my apartment just now to go put my phone in my car to charge. I left my charger god knows where, so that's the only place I can go to charge my phone. Anyway, I step outside in my pajamas - victoria secret shorts and an American eagle baby tee. I'm not dressed like a whore by any means, but I wouldn't very well go out in these clothes. My car is RIGHT ACROSS from my apartment, so I fgure no big deal. These two bigger guys start calling out to me when I walk outside. "Hey baby!" "I see you!" I ignore them, obviously, save for turning the first time. I didn't mean to turn, it's just when someone calls, "Hey," you typically look. I continue just walking to my car, and they start getting louder... "I see you. Don't tell me you aren't just looking for this in those sexy little shorts." Fuck off, okay? They're mother fucking SHORTS. Pajama shorts. I can wear them across the street briefly without looking for harassment. I start to pick up speed and walk back to my apartment at this point, when I realize they're following me. Thank god I live on the first floor. I ran into my apartment and locked the door immediately. They pounded on the door for a few minutes, then gave up. Fucking bastards. What gives men like that the thought that they have a right to harass a sick girl just running to her car to put her fucking phone away? On a different note, I'm debating just tellling my mom I'll go ahead and have surgery on my back. Whatever will help it, that they're willing to help me out with. If my parents won't help with a chiropractor, at least this will help out SOME of the pain. I'm already paying out of my ass at chiropractors and such, being that insurance and parents don't seem to wish to help. My scholiosis is getting worse and worse though, and I'm having trouble living a normal LIFE being in pain so often. So it's worth it - when I have the money to do it. Surgery can fix the problem, but it seems so unnatural. They essentially stick a metal bar on your spine...Argh. I'm in so much fucking pain though, it almost seems worth it... Almost... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 25th, 2007
7:03 pm	Ick Not a good day. To sum it up really briefly, because there's no better way to do it, I'm having girl trouble :-p And it's INSANELY painful. I spent all day lying in bed. I got myself chinese food and rented a couple movies, and that's essentially all I've done. I got Water (The Canadian [and kind of Indian] foreign film nominated for the Oscar - though Pan's Labryrinth will most likely beat it) - and Sherrybaby (Which I've heard Maggie Gyllenhaal is fabulous in, and I love her). I'll let you know how they are once I watch them. That's basically all I've done today. It's been a really lazy day. I skipped class because of the pain, so there's nothing else to tell... Oh well. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 24th, 2007
12:50 pm	I took my car in yesterday, so I haven't really been home to post anything. Everything should be fine with it, luckily. They had to lubricate some parts or something like that to get it to run smoothly, and replace something or another, but that's all. It's free, because the car's still under warranty. Another really good thing, right now. :-p I finally saw The Last King of Scotland and Letters from Iwo Jima. Both were fantastic. Neither were what I would call my absolute favorite movie of the year, but I'd honestly give both 5 star reviews. The Last King of Scotland was a little bit better, imho, because it really took more risks. Some of the scenes were brutal. Forest Whitaker deserved the praise he has been getting. It was really interesting seeing this man in so many different lights, all in one movie. You love him, and then you hate him - and I mean, you REALLY hate him. James McAvoy was brilliant in a thankless role - his performance essentially carries the entire movie, and yet with all of the buzz about Forest Whitaker he's nearly forgotten. The movie itself will really make you think. James McAvoy's character was highly relatable for me, as he starts out clouded by innocence and slowly begins to really recognize what is actually going on. It's almost a coming of age story for him - a young doctor thrust out into a world he knows nothing about, being forced to figure out exactly who and what he believes. Forest Whitakers portrayl of the president of Uganda is brilliant. He has a childlike flaw of allowing his thoughts to become manipulated, and of conveying emotions strongly without much thought. It's an interesting role to see him in, as most his roles of the past tend to be the sort of gentle, simple man roles he could easily be type-casted for. There is one intense, cringe-worthy torture scene, and a few other shocking moments that really allow the movie to take the risks it needs to show the true message that it has. All in all, it's definitely not one to miss. Letters from Iwo Jima is really Clint Eastwood's masterpiece of this year. Flags of our Fathers was good, but nowhere near the level of this movie. When I first saw the Oscar nomination list, I was a bit irritated that Clint Eastwood had yet another nod for best director and movie, I'll be honest. After all, Flags was a good movie, but nowhere near grand. After seeing Letters from Iwo Jima though, I can almost see why the movie is up. Though I do not expect it to win, the movie itself was really the stronger of the two. Eastwood obviously had a stronger tie to the Japanese cast, which is shown through their unmistakenably brilliant performances. The acting was 100 times better, and the storyline was both more tragic and stronger. Watching the movie is nearly painful, seeing such a small, unaided group of essentially Japanese civillians being brutally torn apart. The pride of Japanese culture leads to their refusal to surrender, and essentially wipe out nearly every trace of life. It's painful to watch the inevitable as the movie unfolds. In one scene, a small group of Japanese soldiers medically treat a wounded American and show him kindness. Later in the movie, two Japanese men surrender to the Americans, and are left to be watched over by 2 American soldiers. Rather than watch the prisoneers overnight, the American soldiers shoot the prisoners and move on. I know it's easy to portray America in a negative light, especially recently, and that the movie really is just a fictional account. Regardless, the movie provokes thoughts that the Japanese were just people. The corruption of governments , be it the Japanese through World War II or Americans today, is just that. The people, though all are flawed in some way, are not all in general bad. The story really sheds a light on the humanization of people that are so often viewed as nothing more than the enemy. Tonight's movie is going to be The Queen. Tommorrow is Pan's Labyrinth. Friday will be Smoking Aces (I'm not 100% sold, I'll admit, but I'll go with my friends anyway). Saturday is Volver. There are still a few more things I need to see, but those are the ones I'm planning on viewing in the next few days. I love Oscar nominations. Some of the nods irritate me slightly - some seem overrated. Others, I'm thrilled are getting the recognition they deserve. For example, the supporting actor nominations are my favorite catagory this year. My hopes will be resting with Jackie Earl Haley. His portrayl of a ex-convict, arrested for indecent exposure to a minor is nearly flawless. After being a childstar in the 70s, his comeback is both shocking and strongly received by old fans. Alan Arkin was hilarious and off-beat as the grandfather in Little Miss Sunshine. Dijimon Hounsou was brilliant, as always, in Blood Diamond. He has one particularly brilliant breakdown in front of Leonardo DiCaprio's character while crying for a chance to see his son. Though I have not seen Dreamgirls (It seems horribly overrated, with the real strongest parts being the supporting actors - but that's another vent), I have heard Eddie Murphy gives the performance of his lifetime. And finally, Mark Wahlberg was absolutely brilliant and hilarious in The Departed. I think that is easily my favorite role I've ever seen him portray, and he performs with such conviction that the role was unshakable in my mind, even months later. And now, because I have a test in an hour, I think I'll begin studying instead of solely going on about movies and Oscar nominations. However, I'll leave you with this final note - one day, my name WILL be on one of those ballots, for SOMETHING :-p (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, January 19th, 2007
12:07 pm	And then... Well, lunch went okay. I had half a serving of organic non-salted tortilla chips with about half a cup of organic salsa (I love my spicy things). I also had some organic fruits and veggies - 4 and a half stalks of celrey, an orange, and a tomato. Then I had a few cadbury mini-eggs. Not grand, but they're here and I like to give myself a couple of those (like 2 or 3) or a little ghiradelli truffle each day to curve my cravings. I figure it's a nice form of moderation. It keeps me decently sane. I even did that back in LA, where most days all I'd eat was a bowl of lettuce and a bite of chocolate. I can, of course, live without it, but why waste it? I'd say all in all, at MAX, I had like 500 calories. I think it's probably even less. I calculated it, but of course, I believe the calculation is a gross underestimate. If I followed that, I'd be fat in two days. Dinner will be a diet bar. I'll be on the road, picking up my sister, and so I'm just relying on that. That limits me to a maximum of roughly 150 calories for dinner. I'm okay with that, unless I start gaining. Sometimes upping calories helps, plus it means I can control myself. I'm not losing control to some stupid unknown power. I have Luna bars, Atkins bars, Kids organic Clif Bars (Try these. Especially chocolate brownie ones. Wow.), and Pria bars. If anyone has any recommendations, I'm always willing to take some. I'm thinking I'll try an Atkins snack bar tonight because protein at night is supposed to be good. That should top me off at 650 max, and that's okay by me. I also had 2 diet cokes :-\ Major vice. When these are gone, I'm not buying anymore. Just like the chocolate. I can't keep letting myself eat and drink such disgusting artificial processed crap. I feel better about the ghiradelli or imported organic french caramels I have than I do about the cadbury. Cadbury feels processed and fake. Maybe I'll give the rest to my sister tonight. And diet coke...I hope I don't get cancer. I drink that like water. It's a brilliant invention. No calories, and the bubbles fill you up insanely. The bubbles also work remarkably well for purging, but I've all but stopped that. Stupid vice. I need to stop. Green tea is my life. No calories, Organic, Antioxidants. There's nothing bad about it. It's insanely good for you It makes me feel healthier when I drink it. I try to drink at least 64 ounces of water and at least 20 ounces of green tea a day. The two diet cokes should be replaced by green tea and water eventually, but for now, I'll live I guess. I bought my Quia book code. Unfortunately, I can't find the paper that my teacher gave us to let us know how to link it to her course. I NEED that, as my Quia work is due TODAY. Luckily, I think I can get away with turning it in after class, since it's due online. If that's possible (Cross your fingers!), the teacher can get me the code. If it is not possible, I'm screwed. I emailed the class to see if anyone can help me. I can't find the information online anywhere. I know exactly what I did with my paper, too. It's sitting in my notebook on Brian's parents' kitchen counter. I'm debating going to the mall today after class. I don't need anything, but it will give me a reason to be out by the airport when Heather comes in. Thats good at least. I'll just walk around and burn a few calories while I wait. Maybe I can even splurge and buy myself something in LUSH. They make the most awesome bath products, and they're mostly natural. Plus, nothing is tested on animals. I love it. Then I'll take her to her hotel. Ick. Oh well, maybe there'll be something down there that's intriguing, I guess. Then it's not a waste of time... I'll look into it. I feel like my life is a total waste. (Comment on this)
10:39 am	Oops. I forgot to fill out my Starbucks application - AGAIN. My boyfriend's getting on my case about it. He knows I need a job, and he's been trying to help me. Unfortunately, to get said job, I must turn in said application. I should have done it months ago, he says. I couldn't, really, until this past Friday when I had my schedule down. But still, its been a week and the application is still unfinished. It's not even a hard process. I just am having my doubts. Who on earth would hire me. I can't take more rejection. I have to pick up my sister from the airport tonight. That's all she told me. She left out the HUGE detail that I'd also drive her about 45 minutes completely out of my way. All in all, thats 30 minutes to the airport, 45 to the hotel, and an hourish back. NOT cool. Driving at night gives me panic attacks. My eyes aren't great, and my glasses are missing. I have night blindness, which means its dangerous for me to drive that late. Plus, it's just a total waste of gas. I don't see why her friends can't pick her up. I'm really panicky about what to do for food today, per usual. I feel grosser than normal. I'm debating a fast day, but I probably won't. After all, I have to drive. I should be able to concentrate somewhat. I'm scared that I'm going to fail all my classes. It's this illegitament fear I get every semester. I feel a rush of panick and remorse so strong that I truly believe I'll fail. Last semester, I got 4 A's and a B+. I cried to my parents that I might as well kill myself because I'm failing everything and my life is useless. I can't take pressure, I guess. I finally bought a calendar. Hopefully that will keep me on task at least a little bit. God, I feel like death. My room needs cleaned. I always feel out of control when my room needs cleaned. What I ought to do is take another bath... I don't know if anyone else in the world is like this, but when I panic or lose control, I need to be in the water. I purge in the shower with the water running over me. I take baths when I can't decide if I need to eat or not. If I'm panicking, I'll take one shower after another until I feel cleansed. The water MUST be scorching hot. Hot enough that it's uncomfortable, but not so bad that I'll end up with burns. It's my own private ritual. I've taken a dozen showers in a day before. I've been like this as long as I remember, to an extent. It used to be mostly when I felt sick, had headaches, or was stressed though. It's gotten periodically worse. I'm wondering if my water rituals are almost a slight bit of OCD - a way I cleanse myself of my problems by literally cleansing myself over and over until I feel better. I used to have a bit of OCD about fairness. If I'd hit my right foot on something, I'd smack my left foot against it, too. If someone gave me a high five in one hand, I'd slap the other. Everything had to be even, in sets of two or multiples thereof until I felt comfortable. Even eating had to be in sets of twos. Even number of pasta noodles, even number of M&Ms, even time on the clock when I started. I never told anyone this, of course. I think I'm going to buy some cords today to hook my laptop to my 23inch cinema display. I love that display. I love my apple products, despite the shitty time applecare gave me. Speaking of shitty time with reps, Coach can't fix my boots. My BRAND NEW boots. The ones I got for Christmas that broke. They're sending me a $550 credit, but I'm still deeply irritated. I loved those boots. They're sold out everywhere, so there's no shot at getting another pair. I suppose I'll just settle for a couple purses, or maybe a set - a purse, a wallet, an ipod case, etc - that all match. It'll be fun to shop, I suppose. Still panicking about food. I'm not even motherfucking hungry. I don't know why I obsess so much on the subject. It's JUST food. I have no need to read every menu, cookbook, food coupon, calorie book, diet website, dieting article, health news artcile, etc that comes into my path. I do anyway, though. It's always on my goddamn mind lately. I wish I could stop, I honest to God wish I could fucking stop. Lose the obsession. But then I wouldn't lose the weight. (1 Comment |Comment on this)