Below are the most recent 3 friends' journal entries.

Monday, October 13th, 2008
emerald_aurora	7:01p	Remember when I used to have non-negative posts? Sinus infections have a way of knocking me out. I got some antibiotics so I should be awake and motivated for stuff again in three or four days. Tomorrow's assigned reading is from The Hobbit, which is much easier than the Silmarillion and lends no excuse for not doing the reading. I think my experience with the professor lends an excuse, though. I am so over that class. I'm nervous about grades, though. I imagine if I write anything she doesn't agree with, I'll get a bad grade, whereas I should get a bad grade for a badly supported argument whether she agrees with it or not. Her insistence that I lack the emotional strength to deal with the paper topic became self-fulfilling, not because I actually lack the emotional strength to deal with the topic of violence but because I don't feel like revisiting my shitty experience in her office every time I think about the paper. I was really motivated to write the paper; now I really want to drop the class even though it's a bad idea. I don't think this turn of events is my fault but I could use some positive reinforcement. I'm nervous about organismal biology, too, because since skipping the first exam, I've skipped two classes. It's on account of the same sickness that made me miss the exam, but then again, I have made it to all my other classes over the past week. It's... kind of a boring class. Not nearly boring enough to make me feel justified in skipping it, but boring enough to cause my brain to latch on to any excuse I can come up with for not going. Such as, "What a weird dream that was. Better go back to sleep and resolve it" or "ACHOO! God bless me! I'd better stay home and rest..." I don't like wasting my [out-of-state] tuition dollars like that. Today's Diamondback featured yet another comic that jabbed at English majors with the whole "your degree is meaningless" bullshit. Hey sub-par-even-for-a-mediocre-publication cartoonist, how would you like it if people sneered at your intellectual interests, creative talents and professional skills all the time? If you're a hard-working student who gets everything he/she can out of higher education only to be told they're not actually getting anything out of it? I'm not really enjoying my lit classes this semester - Medieval Women Writers is pretty good, except it's right after Tolkien which can put me in a funk, and currently we're reading heavy-handed Christian stuff that wears me out. So I'm tempted to feel like I failed at picking a major, especially considering how good and interested I am in environmental science. Then I remember I'm really in the English major for the creative writing and I sort of kind of think I have a future in what I actually studied. But only sort of. Most likely I'm work at a nonprofit or nature preserve. Most likely I'll have to go back to school to get teaching credentials. I want to sleep. I kind of want to study abroad but I don't want to leave Sam. There, I said it. I am the ultimate fail. Please feel free to judge me as a pitiful co-dependent useless non-career oriented kitchen-dwelling sex-slaving emptyheaded wench, but only if you are a stupid judgmental asshole with no respect for other people's well thought-out lifestyle choices. Maybe we can study abroad together. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 6th, 2008
emerald_aurora	9:34a	Foolhardiness! Sometimes I don't get out of bed in the morning and I regret it. To deal with that, I need to be disciplined and will myself to get out of bed. This morning - I thought - was one such morning. I caught this cold and I felt like crap. I have an exam today, plus genetics class, the class I TA, and a grading session for the class I TA. The worst exam grade for the class with the exam today will be dropped, which is good because I barely studied, having a head full of boogers and all. Still, I thought I should try to take the exam, just in case something crazy happens before the other two that absolutely prevents me from taking them. So I woke up extra early to study, after having gone to bed early, and felt like crap. But I thought, no no no, we musn't let this happen, and after much pondering I decided to sleep in a little bit longer but still get up early. So I slept another hour and a half. By this time it was 8:00. Still felt like crap. Got up and tried to steam my face off in the shower so's I could get a new one. Got dressed, grabbed my coffee cup, and left, as planned. Today my bag contains my laptop, which is heavy, and my biology book, which is also heavy. After hobbling and swerving on the sidewalk for a while, I had the smart idea of taking the book out of my bag and carrying it in my other hand to balance the weight. I thought about giving up the mission but dismissed the thought with discipline. By the time I got halfway to the Student Union I'd broken out into a feverish sweat. Obviously I am far too miserable to do anything today. In the Union I left my stuff on a chair, which invites someone to steal it, while I went to the Food Co-op to get tea rather than carrying it one step farther... and that was after resting. I first decided not to take the exam, but to try going to genetics and definitely go to TA. Then I decided not to take the exam or go to genetics but I should stay on campus to rest so that later I can TA. Now I've decided to do none of the above, but I'm pretty much stranded on campus for 20 minutes until the bus comes. 'Cause I ain't walkin'. So I want to say the lesson here is, "Rebecca, listen to your body!" But the problem is sometimes my body feels like a lead brick in bed and refuses to go anywhere until I force it to, at which point it feels better. It's the body that cries wolf. It's been the body that cries wolf ever since (insert obnoxiously relevant but unknown date here). That'd be when I started having my Epic Sick Leaves. I've shaved them down to a day at a time now but they used to be weeks long. My head will feel heavy, and just stuffy and achey enough to trick me into thinking I'm sick when really I'm just depressed. So nowadays in the interest of treating depression, I say, "Nope! Come on now. It's not all that bad." Today it was actually bad and my body feels abandoned and wants to cry, while I feel bad for making it feel that way. But with the air of a parent who knows she pushed her kid too far in the mistaken spirit of doing the right thing, I'm trying to balance sternly reminding my body that it needs my discipline while compassionately swearing to it that I never meant to hurt it. Also I never want to push my kid too far. I don't think my pride will ever be so important as to let me do a thing like that without apologizing. I read my 11th grade "9 levels of Hell" project and was struck by how much empathy I have for people who suffer hell on Earth. Even rapists - I specifically mentioned them as a group I wouldn't sadistically punish because it didn't seem right to me to have that kind of power. And it still doesn't. I hate the dreams I've been having. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 30th, 2008
emerald_aurora	2:11p	Cuteness! Re: last post: I'm pleased to see that everyone on Livejournal is miserable. XD Maybe I should gripe about universal issues more often, rather than griping about my specialized personal issues, 'cause I get more comments that way. Nobody knows what it's like to be me, but people sure know what it's like to be lonely. I saw a mousie! Awwwww! Mousie mousie mousie mousie! Mousie!!!1!11 Also, I skipped class today. I think it was a good choice. I relaxed, ate a nice lunch, and got some work done sitting outside with my buddy the mouse. Also dealt with financial aid crap. I may feel at liberty to play Zelda later, if genetics homework doesn't take forever. I don't like skipping class - it's not something I do lightly - but a depressed and nonfunctional me wouldn't get much out of class anyway. I enjoyed reading the Lais of Marie de France. Made me want to write stories, made me happy about my plans to go back to the Ren Faire. Essay writing is so much less painful once I figure out a thesis, which I did. I am going to try to not get stressed out because that's not what I'm here for. Oh and boypocalypse lol. (2 Comments |Comment on this)