psychoprincess*...

Birthday Party

2008-02-25T20:22:20Z

Krissy & Everet's Birthday Extravaganza

When: Saturday March 15th

Where: The Pemby - 1011 Pembina Hwy

Time: 9PM-Closing

Come out and help us celebrate our birthday the only way we know how, with plenty of alcohol and the traditional KBOYD cake.

psychoprincess_ @ 2007-09-10T15:57:00

2007-09-10T20:58:35Z

Nothing

2007-08-28T19:36:12Z

The light’s been breaking
It’s been breaking ever since
And never am I in shadows
Not again, no reminders, floatin’
Dancin’ in the sun light, by the candle light
By the brightness of all that surrounds me
Never in shadows, not again
I can’t be reminded, I can’t be ripped back
To that dark forbidden place, where souls
Wallow, and emptiness ensues
Into the rapture of you and all that you embody
I won’t go back to that place, I won’t be reminded of that place
There is nothing, no words, no solace, nothing of value
That you can offer me.

Cuz I feel like dancing.

2007-08-14T17:37:55Z

Cat Empire - Two Shoes.

One day one woman asked him
'what do you to survive?'
he said 'oh my dear listen here'
and this is what he cried

On my feet I wear two shoes for dancing
'dancing to be free'
my feet they're paying tribute to
the Bobby Marley legacy

My knees they've got some cuts and bruises
from skating all my days
when i'm skating with my friends
my troubles drift away

I say my legs they're wearing baggy pants
I like to move around
cos getting down and jumping up
these are some good things that I found

Aeehhhiiiaaaaa
boom shak the empire be rising
Aeehhhiiiaaaaa
boom shak we making some lovin
Aeehhhiiiaaaaa
boom shak the greedy men running
Aeehhhiiiaaaaa
boom shak got two shoes for dancin

My waist it's got a slinky belt
with a clip that's quick to open
because loving is the sweetest thing
and from my waist it happen

And my stomachs got some tasty food
that's making me feel good
cos sharing some meals is something
i wish the world could do

And my chest it wears a singlet
ah my chest it beating proud
my chest suggest I am a man
that no institution can knock down
And around my neck is superstition
hanging from a chain
because i've got my gods but in the end
I make my own way

CHORUS

My mouth it's got a great big smile
that shows some great big teeth
to friends it brings a happiness
and to enemies it means defeat

And my eyes they've got some vision
that can see through many lies
ah my eyes they look for better things
the better things to see in life

And my ears are wearing head phones
that do play my favourite songs
not music i'm told to like
but the songs that make me dance along

Cos on my feet are shoes for dancing
'dancing to be free'
my feet they're paying tribute to
the bobby marley legacy

psychoprincess_ @ 2007-08-07T13:44:00

2007-08-07T18:47:55Z

Having this urge to post... with nothing terribly valid to say except I have this big stupid grin on my face these days, a little dance in my step, and a great big positive look on everything. There is a new chapter here... (and new hair to go along!)... rock on.

psychoprincess_ @ 2007-07-25T12:53:00

2007-07-25T17:53:27Z

I'm the girl floatin in the water
I'm the girl picking dandelions and wild flowers
and totally missed the storm

I'm the girl folding inwards
My wretchous stomach turning
In anticipation of nothing
My engery folding and fading and lowering and lifting
I'm your obnoxious cousin
I'm the girl you say
She'll never be her own
Always searching
Not ever really looking

psychoprincess_ @ 2007-07-12T15:58:00

2007-07-12T21:51:15Z

http://www.box.net/shared/oxqdernauk

does anyone use this thing anymore?

2007-05-26T03:47:42Z

come find me on facebook

krissyATpsychoprincessDOTcom

psychoprincess_ @ 2007-04-13T13:22:00

2007-04-13T18:46:04Z

It's been an odd week.

Wednesday had a bit of a scare - My Nanny was taken by ambulence late Tuesday night from her personal care home with her vitals crashing (extremely low blood pressure, my aunt was saying it was 40 over 20 or something) to Grace Hospital. Wednesday morning we got a call telling us to gather the family, she didn't have too long. Called work and headed to the hospital to a packed room in the ER. She looked the worst I've ever seen her. I've never seen skin so pale and she was so still. They asked my dad if she was a religious person and would she want to have her last rites read to her.
She almost died because she hadn't eaten in a week and the personal care home didn't tell us, and because she has a really terrible infection on her back that they think is actually eating into the bone, and because she was severely dehydrated.
What a difference some antibiotics and IV nurishment and fluid can make, she has colour in her face again and is out of ER, her blood pressure is back up to the 100's and her face doesn't look so sunken. She actually looked better to me than she has in probably a year. So I'm pretty impressed with the care at Grace Hospital and pretty disappointed in the care of the personal care home....

Cory burnt his hands at his 2nd day at his new job. Some idiot poured hot tar on him which leaked into his gloves and onto his wrists. It looks pretty terrible and seems pretty painful. I felt bad so I brought him an iced cap and some cigarettes and helped him out a bit.

Payday, and the weekend is almost here. Going to a friend's place tonite for drinks and then to the bar. Should be a good weekend as long as Nanny stays in good shape...

and now a quiz cuz I'm a dork -

You Are Jasmine!

Independent and adventurous. You don't want much; just to break out of the guilded cage society has put you in and experience life to the fullest. Following orders isn't really one of your strong points, and you would rather live a life of poverty than being forced into something that you hate.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

wow, and entry that isn't just a poem.

2007-04-03T02:44:52Z

I changed the colours. I want to do something nicer like make some nifty background image and play around with the style but i'm lazy and i don't really have time. but I just needed to get rid of those dark colours.

someone who only met me recently tells me how awesome it is that i am always so smiley and i can't believe it. i know that i'm different, and that other people probably see that too. but to have the complete and utter opposite of something you're used to hearing ("why don't you smile more?") is still just a little out of this world.

i had a totally awesome weekend. shopped like shop-aholic (god it's been so long), played cards with my bestests, jammed with some long-ago band mates, saw a show at the die machine, ran into some unexpecteds, went to a rave on a sort of spur of the moment decision (i was gonna go, then I wasn't gonna go, then last minute got convinced to go), danced my ass off which is again out of this world (Krissy doesn't dance). i'm drained tho. good thing this is a short week. then it's awesome weekend time again! woot.

psychoprincess_ @ 2007-03-28T20:43:00

2007-03-29T01:41:58Z

It’s so much harder
To move onto something else
When all I can remember
Is so much better
Dancing in our underwear
Being goofy
Singing along in the car, making waves
Staying up all night in our den
Liquid and true
Back rubs, and meditations,
Adventuring
Outfits
and Things I never thought I’d do
Poses I’d never try
For anyone else
And I open a little further
Like a flower I opened
Became something I never was
Something better, something brighter,
A girl who looked up
Instead of down
And into sunsets
Instead of moonlights
Who felt complete instead of wandering
Who was strong instead of soft
Who believed in magic, and love
And oneness, and spirits
Who believed in ever after, and got lost in it
Who still believes, but cannot find
The same
Not better Not fuller Not more

psychoprincess_ @ 2007-03-23T15:10:00

2007-03-23T20:26:41Z

I am bored at work

I hate being bored at work

Please give me something to do

But it's like a ghost town in the office

And I want to look busy

So I'm reading livejournal and myspace and good god, the begin of bad work habits. ahhhhh minimize minimize... gotta work on those reflexes.

Three weeks of new job completed (almost) = 3 paper cuts

wooooo... someone just gave me a plaque to hang on the wall ........

the three bad things that happened to me last week.... seem to all be mended. Got the window fixed for $100 which is an awesome deal. goodbye birthday money, but ah well I got a few awesome birthday presents anyway including a professional massage, dinner, flowers, new dress, feist! friends rock.

back to (not) work.

life is pretty good these days.

psychoprincess_ @ 2007-03-20T00:55:00

2007-03-20T05:58:52Z

Peach taffeta skirted on
awkward boyish legs,
always fighting with the hemline,
always struggling to stay afloat.
Little boats - words - stumbling.

Hello Universe, what's next?

2007-03-15T23:02:14Z

So this week has been fucking stellar. Not going into the personal details but one disappointed followed by another, then a day or two of things going pretty good, then another big fucking, and expensive disappointment.

Went to an awesome metal show last night. Saw the Cruelty (you guys rocked), Port Amoral (meh), and Into Eternity (who really got the crowd going and the singer was quite talented). I love metal shows, the energy there is exactly what you need when you have that 'itch' of wanting to go out and do something and you're not exactly sure what. It was great to get out, and see friends I haven't gotten to see lately, and bring friends that wouldn't otherwise go to a metal show but dammit if they didn't have fun. Got a little drunky. Accidently punched some guy I thought was someone else. Had fun. Stayed right til the end, then when we left and got to the car, we realized some fucker smashed out my back window. Fucking awesome. This is exactly what I need now.

Just seems like everytime something bad happens, and I'm just getting my bearings again and knowing that it'll be ok, then something else always happens. Murphys law, but lets just call it Krissy's law already.

Then I wake up this morning and of course it's snowing in my car because the plastic doesn't hold. Great. Oh well, I fixed it, with big green garbage bags doubled up and taped to the inside and outside of the door with bright red tape. It seems to be holding ok now.

So, because I really do believe in karma, I'd just like to know 2 things universe, 1) what did I do to deserve all this because lord knows I wanna fix it, and 2) what's next? because now I just can't possibly care anymore. It's just gonna roll right off me. So cmon.... hit me with it....

psychoprincess_ @ 2007-03-10T03:30:00

2007-03-10T09:55:13Z

This is going to sound crazy coming from me, but right now, I am so happy. No I haven't met anyone new, and actually I'm kinda not planning to. For the first time in my life I think, I'm happy to just be me, and to just be alive, and happy to be alone. I know that one day, I will be ready for love again, but for now I am so happy existing in my life. I feel stronger than I have since I believe I was about 17 years old and I conquered my nerves and my fears to get on stage. I'm not talking about music now though, but the adrenaline rush, or whatever you call it, the exhileration of that moment, I now carry with me throughout each and every day. I appreciate everything now. I appreciate the little things. I appreciate good friends, and laughter, and quiet, and family, and good books, and music, and life. I am not totally independent yet, (though I am more independent emotionally than I have been in my entire life I think), I just started this new job (which I just love by the way) and haven't even gotten my first paycheck yet but I have this amazing feeling that my life will be fantastic. Everything will come in time, when it's meant to. I'm not just going through the motions anymore. I am sharing my heart in a different way. I am being the person I am proud to be. I don't feel drained emotionally and thus physically. It feels great to be this happy so simply, without something else or someone else defining that happiness for me.
I think my anxiety is totally gone, which is just like the strangest thing. There were so many little things in a day, every day, that would cause my body and my mind to go into overdrive. Little things that sound absurd when you say them out loud, that I can't even explain and you can't even possibly begin to understand unless you've suffered with anxiety and depression and this overall feeling of inferiority and guilt and shame for this impossibly paralyzing affliction. Simple things, everyday things like going to the store, and walking outside without makeup, and knowing where to park, or how to answer a phone, or speak properly without being so concerned about what you'd say that words just don't come at all, or they come so slowly, or they fumble out of your face. Everything is just seeming to come so much simpler now. I can sit comfortably and not have that annoying abnoxious frustrating knot in my stomach that would send the rest of me into a panic. Everything is so much easier. I wish I could explain this better.
But what's the difference? I'm not sure. Is it knowing that everything happens for a reason? Is it finally believing in myself? Is it that you really do make your own reality by just changing your perspective? I listen to myself speak these days and can't believe what a different person I am.
I wish I could go back and tell myself not to live in that paralyzed state. To not fall apart so easily. The past year is a bit of a blur because I sort of just shut down completely. But I guess I had to go through all this to finally get it.

psychoprincess_ @ 2007-02-24T21:31:00

2007-02-25T03:31:55Z

We can’t find our places
Together
When we can’t find them apart

We can’t look into the future
Until we can forget the past
Until our damages are healed

But I know, somewhere
Deep inside
Off away and into the sky
A star twinkles
Just for us
And one day
We will soar.

New Job!

2007-02-23T17:00:38Z

Say hello to the new Administrative Assistant for Video King Gaming & Entertainment Canada Ltd.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

miniture disasters.(KT Tunstall)

2007-02-20T20:56:09Z

I don't want to be second best
Don't want to stand in line
Don't want to fall behind
Don't want to get caught out
Don't want to do without
And the lesson I must learn
Is that I've got to wait my turn

Looks like I got to be hot and cold
I got to be taught and told
Got to be good as gold
But perfectly honest
I think it would be good for me
Coz it's a hindrance to my health
I'm a stranger to myself

Miniature disasters and minor catastrophoes
Bring me to my knees
Well I must be my own master
Or a miniature disaster will be
It will be the death of me

I don't have to raise my voice
Don't have to be underhand
Just got to understand
That it's gonna be up and down
It's gonna be lost and found
And I can't take to the sky
Before I like it on the ground

And i need to be patient
And i need to be brave
Need to discover
How i need to behave
And I'll find out the answers
When i know what to ask
But i speak a different language
And everybody's speaking too fast

Miniature disasters and minor catastrophoes
Bring me to my knees

Well I must be my own master
I've got to run a little faster
I need to know I'll last if a little
Miniature disaster hits me
It could be the death of me

---
Forgot to say that this isn't something I wrote, this is a song by KT Tunstall that I posted because I believe the message is that, when you are not in control of yourself and your life and your own emotional strength, everything will affect you strongly and negatively. "And I can't take to the sky Before I like it on the ground " is my favorite line in this song. Ah well... interpret in your own way if you want. But that's what it says to me. You've got to be comfortable in your own skin before your ready for anything else.

Where is she?

2007-02-11T01:52:47Z

I knew a girl, with long black hair. She had blue eyes that you could see right through. She had a sensitive soul and a heart full of hopes. Everything was infinite. But life was never easy, and for the sensitive soul it was especially hard. When hopes were dashed it shot right through her soul. Soon the world turned dark. Some around her, sort of took what they could and left her to fall. Then, when a hope began to shine again for a little while, and she again let it crumble, all she saw was black and she tried to end it all. For months she tried to heal. Tried to fit in the world. But getting up was getting harder. Sitting still was getting harder. Her mind full of turmoil. Absorbed in grief and guilt she began to turn inward. She was the darkness that didn't fit. "I don't want to die", she said "but it's too hard, so I'll stay inside and hide." But sadness and disease surrounded those she loved. In a way she can't explain, she blamed herself. Her negativity and darkness only attracted more of the same. She couldn't place herself in that world to share their pain, she turned it all on herself. Somehow unfinished, she doesn't know where to begin. She has one true thing that makes sense and she's made it her world. She's been stuck in a place, unfoiling, losing those pieces of herself that used to make her whole. Stuck between darkness and hope.

psychoprincess_ @ 2006-09-14T19:47:00

2006-09-15T00:47:24Z

Your Personality Cluster is Introverted Feeling

You are:

Tolerant, flexible, and open to new ideas.
A stickler for integrity and authenticity.
Passionate about causes, beliefs, or politics.
Likely to have many "best friends" from many walks of life

What's Your Personality Cluster?

man do i feel dorky.

2006-07-20T22:52:33Z

Scholar
You scored 68% spellworthiness!

You've scored well. There's very little chance of you just getting lucky with a load of answers to get into this category, I'm impressed. You have a solid grasp of English, and were probably able to deduce a lot of the correct answers for the words you haven't come across before (there are bound to be a few). Congratulations, not many people will score higher than you. Try my other tests, you'll probably make a mockery of those as well.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on spellworthiness

Link: The ULTIMATE Spelling Test written by poolkris1 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

psychoprincess_ @ 2006-05-28T12:03:00

2006-05-28T17:31:16Z

i had a bit of a breakdown friday. part of me gave up. i had just found out the night before that she had taken another turn for the worse and i could hear it in my dads voice as he said the words no one had been able to say to me before that moment - "this might be it". i was feeling so much that i had to turn my self into OFF mode. stay in bed. no more world. unable to deal with any of it. fought with someone i love. gave up and felt helpless. i wasn't going on with my life but i wasn't going to the hospital either. i was no where. and felt like nothing. Cory got me up off my ass again, snapped me back to reality. told me he would be there and support me as i needed. i wasn't helping anyone by being consumed in my feelings of saddness and helplessness. we went to the hospital together and met my family there.

two steps backward. one step forward.

she seems to be doing a bit better, in mind at the very least. she knows who I am again, and is perked up and understands what's happening. she's in ICU but this might be a good thing even though it sounds scary --- the quality of care upstairs in geriatrics does not come close to that in ICU. Although I continue to be unimpressed. One nurse to another - "your patients machine is beeping" ... her response "haha tell it to stop...." ok, i know that i am by no means a qualified health care professional - but when hospital machines beep it is generally not a good thing. not to make them all sound terrible - there have been some really good nurses.

i've never seen so many tubes in one person before. feeding tube, breathing tube (they both go down the back of her throat), like 4 IV tubes hooked up to one IV hole (in her neck after they stopped being able to find veins to poke in her arms). she looks so scared. she doesn't want to be there. she wants to go home. she wants to be better. and she wants to live.

I felt better to see her again after staying away for a few days because it got too hard. But I can't be too hard on myself for not going everyday either. i'm trying to balance, and i'm trying to hold onto some hope, and i'm trying not to just let the rest of my life slide away because i'm so consumed by this.

psychoprincess_ @ 2006-05-26T11:08:00

2006-05-26T16:35:34Z

I haven't been to the hospital in a couple days. I feel immense guilt for not, but it just got too hard to go there by myself and she didn't know who I was anymore. She wasn't comforted by me anymore. She didn't even look at my face as familiar, but looked right through me as though I wasn't there and something existed there that I couldn't see.

Last night I called my dad to explain to him that it was too hard to go alone anymore and that I wanted him to go with me or meet me there. He wasn't home and called me after he got there. He had just been at the hospital and he said she had taken a turn for the worse, again. She's back in ICU and she's basically on life support. A feeding tube inserted because she hadn't eaten in days caused her to start choking and not breathe and now the machines breathe for her. How much can one person go through?? why a person goes into the hospital with back pain and ends up in ICU reliant on machines for life I do not understand. why this is all happening so fast and so soon I don't understand. It isn't fair. her suffering isn't fair, that she's going to miss so much isn't fair. I haven't even begun really, and she won't be here to see any of it.

if i would have gone to the hospital last night after work as I had intended I would have gone up to her room on the third floor and walked into an empty room with an empty bed for the third time. which is an awful feeling.

i should be getting ready for work. but i can't move. i should be going to the hospital but it's too hard. so instead alone i sit.

Reflections

2006-05-21T22:18:27Z

I've been doing some thinking. What else is new, anyone who knows me knows well that I think too much probably - but anyway.

I've cut people from my life recently, and it wasn't a thing where I hate them or there was some fight or falling out (well in one case there was sorta). It was just that I realized I didn't need them, and that they had different intentions or weren't giving back the same respect and kindness that they were receiving. Besides these outright cuts - I've been seeing and talking to people less --- And it isn't anything personal. It's that my priorities are different.

I have always tried so hard to make everybody happy and listen to others advice, been generous and kind, always forgiving, always seeing the good in others even when the bad was painfully clear to everybody else. I continued to believe.

But there comes a breaking point, maybe in everyone's life, or maybe just in mine, when you spend so much effort on everybody else that there is nothing left for yourself. And you cannot even see your own worth because you have for so long not existed for yourself, but for everyone else and what you can get and gather from those relationships. And not even always for the ones that do give back, but for the ones that don't. But there has to be a balance. It's so easy to fall and not see things clearly and do things anyone in their right mind would never do. And it's easy to say things later, looking back, that you couldn't of seen in that moment because all you really saw then was blackness and emptiness.

But then you can become close to losing something else, and you start to wonder why you didn't see the worth in the little you had left.

All I feel is guilt most days.

Every day I go and I visit. and it breaks my heart to see her this way but she wants me there and so I have to. I can't look at her and know she will get better. All I see is grim. I can't hold back the tears the second she falls asleep with my hand in hers and I can't hold them back the second I leave the room and know she cannot see, and the rest of the family cannot see. I am strong, that is what they will see. I hold her close and kiss her head and wipe the hair off her forehead but there's nothing I can do. I wish I knew the body better. I wish I had healing hands or an medical degree. Something. But I don't. I am helpless. All I can do is be the strong one. The angel. The one that makes her smile, doesn't fuss, doesn't ask where it hurts. Just looks on, with love in her eyes, and as much of a smile and she can force on her face. And I promise that I will be back tomorrow.

Her body isn't taking to the treatments. She looks like a battered pin cushion with puffy skin from the solutions they are trying to force her body to accept. She is in pain and knows who everyone around her is but still asks for her mum. When she is awake she is in pain, when she is asleep she looks so far gone that it is so hard to hold this emotion in.

And I almost wasn't here to help her through this. And for this, all I feel is guilt and selfishness.

I carry no ill-feelings anymore for anyone. It's not worth it. I may not be able to forgive so easily unless there is true sincerity, and I may not call as often as I should, and I may forget things. But know that there is probably some part of my heart where you exist that hopes that life treats you well and that you find the things you need to make it worthwhile, to keep pushing on knowing that really, as cheesy as it is, this love in our hearts is all we really need to make it through. It may be naive, but I hope to never lose it.

psychoprincess_ @ 2006-05-14T14:21:00

2006-05-14T19:22:05Z

Your Birthdate: March 18

You are a cohesive force - able to bring many people together for a common cause.
You tend to excel in work situations, but you also facilitate a lot of social gatherings too.
Beyond being a good leader, you are good at inspiring others.
You also keep your powerful emotions in check - you know when to emote and when to repress.

Your strength: Emotional maturity beyond your years

Your weakness: Wearing yourself down with too many responsibilities

Your power color: Crimson red

Your power symbol: Snowflake

Your power month: September

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

*psycho*princess*...